Hi everyone! I am brand new to this forum and desparately need to see if there is anyone out there who thinks like me.
I am 32 and my husband is 26. We have both been married before and had 2 children each. Then we came together and made 2 more children for a grand total of 6. Yes i know...what were we thinking? Anyways we have been married for just over 2 years now and were together 1 year before that. Nov. 2005 we decided that only one of us could work due to childcare expenses. So it turned out to be me because I make pretty decent money and we were both ok with that.
But here is the problem I cannot trust him. He has never been faithful to anyone including his ex-wife. However he has continued to be faithful to me. And every man in my life has let me down in one way or another. I am deeply scarred from my childhood and not sure what my problem is. But I always think that when we have an argument that he is thinking about leaving me and just hates me and wants to go find someone better. He cant even talk to other girls without me getting jealous and then saying stupid crap. When I am in the moment I actually believe what I am saying but when its all over I feel pretty bad. Its so hard for me to just trust him because of all the let downs. I feel that the minute I trust him will be the minute he does something stupid. I have talked to him about this and he knows exactly how I feel and is always so supportive and tells me that when I act like that he doesnt take it to heart because he knows me. I dont think that my husband should have to deal with this crap. I am not sure what else to do. There have been little things that he has sorta kept from me I guess, stupid things like talking to some friend of his from high school that happens to be a girl. He doesnt tell me because he doesnt want to hear me accuse him of crap. But then I find out and I just lose it, I am angry, I am hurt and for what? It seems so darn stupid and yet its almost like I dont have any control over myself. Which I know is a cop-out to just being an adult and taking responsibility for my own actions.
What I am most scared of that I will leave him because I dont think its fair to him that I am the way I am. He always holds us together but I am getting more and more saddened by this whole thing. I love my husband more than I have ever loved any man in my life. He is truly a great father and does try to be a good husband. He is not abusive to me in any way, he often sends me random texts throughout the day to tell me he loves me and we always say I love you when talk on the phone or leave the house. I could have the most amazing marriage if I could just pull my head out of my butt and trust him. Why cant I trust him? Someone please tell me.
hello- trust is a hard nut to crack. You need to try to occupy your mind with other things. If you truly love him you can do this--I was the one who always cheated--but I have found my true love and I could kick myself every time I have put my issues onto him. I have worked on this for 6 years with my hubby. I am 38 and he is 31. Hang in there flirting is safe and harmless--it is you he comes home to.
I'm just going to throw this out there and you take it for what it is worth. I think you two should try some counseling. I'm glad you are trying to recognize the issues. That is a very good start. It just sounds to me like you are having a hard time handling this on your own and some outside help might do you both some good. I expect that is one reason you decided to seek help on this forum. I realize therapy can be expesive and with 6 children it may seem you don't have the money to spare, but looking at the big picture, another failed marriage will be even more financially challenging for you, your husband and your children. You said you are deeply scarred from your childhood. I don't know the details of that, but there may be some there that a trained professional can help you with too. Again, just throwing this out there as an option.
Jealousy is a dreadful feeling. I know it well. It is tough to control and can certainly cloud your mind. It is hard to think clearly and objectively when jealousy sets in. I am sorry you struggle with these feelings and emotions.
I would also recommend spending some quality time with your husband without the children if at all possible. I only have two kids and can certainly understand it may be very tough to find alone time with your husband. But, there is no replacement for good quality time bewteen spouses. I believe it breeds trust and confidence in a relationship.
My very best to you. I'm glad you are trying to deal with these issues now before things go too far.
Have you ever tried telling your husband how you feel as far as the trust issue calmly? And the effects it has on you daily?I think if you cant afford any professional help try seeking a churches counsel its usally fee but more cheaper. I hope that I have helped you some.
I, too had a bad childhood. I am extremely sensitive. My relationship with my husband is the first 'real' one ive been in. If my husband was having a secret conversations with another girl and he had a history of cheating, I'd be pissed, and that's putting it lightly. His rationality for why he hid it from me would be dust in the wind. And in the not so distant past I would have packed up my stuff and driven half way across the country to my mom's house. i've left him more times then i can remember. i have no ring because i threw it out the window. I havent gotten another one because i'm pretty sure it would end up down the drain. I've filed for divorce because he didnt talk to me when i thought he should have. I have a rage in me that is easily triggered and not usually justified. It's a fight or flight syndrome.
I've been with him for three years or so. Luckily now I can laugh about all my eccentricities. He understandably is still having a little post traumatic stress from it all.
I'm extremely more mellow these days. I did a ton of reading about boundaries. I learned to respect who i was, what i needed, and stop doubting myself. I learned to give myself what i needed instead of expecting it from my husband. I can recognize when his actions cross my boundaries and I can react appropriately. I still do fly off the handle sometimes, but i accept that im human, i learn from it and move on.
The problem is not in what you're feeling, but in how you are reacting to what you are feeling. Your insecurities are justified on so many levels. Learning about boundaries will give you tools that will help to manage how you feel. It will help you sort out what emotions are your responsibility and help you understand what you can expect from others.
I think that like most women you are trying to beat him to the punch. Have you ever heard the saying "expect the worse and hope the best?" I think that psychology we expect the worse by preparing ourselves for them to end the relationship but deep down inside hope(pray) that will not go that far. As much as I hate to admit it, this is an insecurity that many of us live with.
The flip side to that is to think positively, and live in the moment. You can spend your relationship worrying about when its going to end or you can enjoy all of the years that you have spent together and look forward to all of the great times that await you as a family.
Men are human and they will look at other women the same way we look at good looking men, what makes it fun is when you can share the moment lightheartly.
Hope this helps.....even if it is just a little.
I think there are two issues here. One is that you are obsessive about the possibility of his straying.
The other is that, given his history, he might stray.
Of course it may well be that he will never cheat again, but ironically, what will make him most likely to cheat is if you constantly try to keep tabs on him.
My advice would be to learn to love yourself just the way you are. And while you're at it, learn to love him just the way he is.
Believe it or not, even if he did cheat you will get over it. So you can relax! It's your own tension that is driving you mad. Why worry about something before it has even happened? If you want to jump up and down, wait until he actually does it.
I am not condoning cheating in any way, all I'm saying is, to quote Roosevelt, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself"