Mal74

When I hear this statement, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" in the context of a marriage, I always come to the same conclusion: the person saying this doesn't understand the distinction between a commitment and feelings.

I wonder how many times during the course of his life Lance Armstrong didn't feel like training, but got on the bike anyway. He was more committed to being a world-class athlete than he was to honoring whatever whim or feeling came by at some particular moment.

I think when we get married we are often laboring under the delusion that it will always be hearts and flowers, passionate sex, staring longingly into each others' eyes, and all-consuming delight right up until we're stuck in the cemetery. Then reality intrudes: it's dirty dishes, garden chores, annoying habits, work stress, children barfing at your feet, arguments about money, and the death of our beautiful bodies and the chance to be desired nightly in the clubs or what-have-you.

So we look across the room and we think, "what am I doing? I could've been (fill in the blank)," and THAT is the birth of that feeling. It's that feeling of, "I don't like this. I don't like this being married thing. I'm stuck here. I'm stuck with this person. If I had stayed single, I'd be free to come and go as I please. I'd be having FUN!" And then the next thing is this: "If I'm having these feelings, there must be something wrong with the marriage. After all, isn't it supposed to be all hearts and flowers, passionate sex, staring longingly into each others' eyes, etc.?"

And the "logical" conclusion that people reach is that they're no longer in love with their spouse.

I say that this is the great opportunity of our lives. It's the opportunity to choose. It's the opportunity to choose who we SAID we would be versus who we FEEL like being at any given time. Feelings are a lot like the weather - they come and go, and they change a lot. Our word and our commitments are the only thing that, as human beings, we can honestly keep forever if we honor them that way.

You've gotten great advice already and I probably haven't added anything, really, other than a rant. But I would say this: you need a counselor who is willing and able to cut through the bullsh*t of "I love you but I'm not in love with you," as painful and horrible and selfish as that is, and who can help you and your husband get down to what you are COMMITTED to creating in your marriage so that your commitment can be bigger than your feelings.

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to quit on my marriage, and I know my husband has wanted to bail at times too. For us, we found that once we really understood this distinction, and once we got genuinely committed, we found a depth of love that I never thought was possible. Believe me, it is NOT problem-free. We have had big issues and we will again. But we have a context for our marriage that lets us work through them.

I hope you will find the context that works for you. Thanks for letting me rant.

deanbert74

Thank you all for the wondeful advice. I have been trying so hard to save our marriage and just don't feel like he's in it 100%. I have started to become numb and bitter, and have begun to question my feelings too. I feel like he won, he has eaten away all my will to make this marriage work. I hate him for that, I don't know what I'm going to do at this point. I feel like this is an uphill battle I just can't win...

turnera

Did you install a keylogger, or check the phone records, or hire a PI?

If not, you haven't done anything meaningful to end the affair and get your marriage back.

hldnhope

Do we know the relationship between him and this female friend? Just asking, because I as well have a female friend that I bounce these type of things off of, but it is NOT any EA or anything like that, just want/need a womans perspective...
Are you OK with this friend?

3leafclover

My brother is this way. He jumps in and out of "committed" relationships and marriages because as soon as that new love high starts to fade, he's all, "I've fallen out of love". The worst part of this is that he left at least 5 children behind in the process (that we know of).

I never responded to that thread about why the divorce rate is so high, but if I had, THIS would be the answer...exactly what you said in your post. I think our culture now is constantly reinforcing the idea that love = that rush of feelings you get at the start of a new romance. Movies, books, etc. all teach people to expect those feelings to continue indefinitely.

Acorn

OP, I don't have any solid advice for you, but I will tell you that I've skimmed some of your previous posts and saw some of my marriage in yours. I am the husband of a wife that didn't quite realize how her actions affected me over the years. (That is greatly oversimplified ofc)

One dynamic that was in play for me was that my wife was extremely controlling, and in time I felt like I was not living my life, but rather hers. A lot of that was my fault, a lot of that was hers. Anyway, I felt so controlled that I literally felt the need to win at something, and in the end, I started feeling very conflicted at my wife's overtures - if I give in and start reconciling without some solid understanding that she empathized with my side of things, she would win. I really needed her to make a big change and when it didn't happen, I left. I am not sure about where your hubby is, but if my wife did make a solid change, I *know* I would have stayed.

If I were you, I'd take the advice here seriously that he could be falling for this female friend. My read on the email, as a guy, was that it was fairly harmless. But, who knows. I would take care to keep an eye on that. With that said, if he catches you snooping or any of the other blatant invasions of privacy, it's going to feel like he's being controlled all over again and it very well might be game over.

You have some tough decisions to make, but you know the situation best and you will make the right ones.

pidge70

Op hasn't been back in 2yrs.
Posted via Mobile Device

3leafclover

Dangit! Hate when that happens. The worst is when I see a "new" thread and it's a really long one, so I start reading from the beginning and get halfway through before realizing...

Stonewall

I agree with the others who have said he still loves you is a good thing. As relationships develop over time it is inevitable that romance waxes and wanes. None of us have that butterfly feeling all the time but one has to have vision!

There was a time when I was the one who was on the hurting end of a ILYBNILWY. Well that was the idea anyway. Actual wording was ILY but don't know what I want. It hurt me to the bone and I am human so of course there were times I had similar feelings but knew they would pass so I never acted on them or dwelled on them. I had vision!!

I knew she was going through a 7 year inch scenario and wanted to recapture her fun days. To a large degree I am at fault for being to much of a nice guy and not pulling her back in line. at the same time she is one that you don't command to do anything, you have to lead her to water and let her decide to drink on her own. If you do then the decision is permanent because its her decision not temporary because she was forced into it. It was a very fine line to walk and in the process I became a doormat of sorts.

all that was a longgggg time ago now and everything is wonderful but she still carries guilt for the pain she caused me. I wish I could take that pain away as all was forgiven long ago. He may have just needed someone to vent to IDK. I needed it badly but told no one and chose to push it down. But I digress.

I said all that to say this; you must have vision and often it is only one of the two who carries that burden. If you still love him and you see a chance don't let go of it but manage your passions carefully. you appear to be the one who has to do that to salvage it.

Stonewall

Crap! wish I'd seen your post before I bothered to type all that out.

that_girl

DAMNIT! Who keeps resurrecting these posts!

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Dollystanford

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OneLoveXo

Hun, first I am sorry that this has happened to you, but at same time you should be glad, you at least now know how he really feels.
Be the magic eight ball for him, and LEAVE HIM! Do you want to be with a man who isn't in love with you? Don't waste any more of your time on him, you TRIED but clearly he doesn't really love you-not they way you want him to at least.

Life is short, love is beautiful, and I am sure there is someone out there who would love you more than you can imagine. Leave him, don't keep on waiting and wasting your time on him.

Mephisto

It isn't an affair. He is expressing himself to a friend, as you said, you knew it, but to have it verbalised to someone else was a shock, more of a slap in the face. Use it as a wake up call.

Your problem with his reticence is that you have not yet resumed having sex, this is the biggest relationship killer for men, right there next to lack of respect.

If you guys are having issues and the sex is gone, so too is any hope for the relationship according to most men.... when sex resumes so too does the moving forward.

Mephisto

fark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!