deanbert74

My husband and I have been married almost 11yrs, about 5mos ago he told me he loves me but isn't in love with me. We have been working on our relationship, and I thought things were going well, or so I thought...I went snooping in his email and this is what I found...

"As far as my wife and I....we are going day by day. I guess you could call things at a stand still right now. Part of me just wants to move on with my life, move out and get my own place. But, then the other part of me is just content with how things are going. Like I have said before...I do love her, just not in love with her. Maybe this what marriage is for some. That feelings change after some time and you need to move on. I'm just not sure. Wish I had a magic ball that would tell me the best avenue for me to go."

This was sent to a female friend of his. I am devastasted all over again. I feel so played and stupid. I have been giving him 150% to fix things and save our marriage. He acts like things are fine to my face, outside of the fact that we havent resumed the romantic side if our relationship. I dont know what I'm doing at this point.... I am so confused. HELP!!!

pinkprincess

Ok... so i can see how this would upset you when you read it.
Does he know that you have read it or been thru his emails?

Can you tell me what you are most shocked about?
Is it that what he wrote in the email was to the female friend.

is it because You thought that you were both going forward?

Is it because he didnt talk to you aout how he was feeling ( and again chose to talk to a female friend?)

The infomation that you have read in the email is this info that you already knew? or were you under the impression that he felt the same way as yourself about the 150%.

I think that the fact that he told someone other than you that he still loves you is a big step and sign.. if he didnt feel this way things may be different but the fact is he does still love you.
All marriages go thru this feeling at one point or another i think and i guess its about both parties making more of an effort.. you need to voice your concerns with him and maybe go out to dinner where things cant turn ugly and have an honest open conversation with each other... 11 years and still loving each other is something worth saving right???

deanbert74

I am more overwhelmed, not really shocked. Yes I did deep down know these things in my heart/gut but to read it was a real blow to me. It being sent to a femle friend isnt really the issue, I'm completely ok with his friends, I just think he may be more comfortable talking to or asking for advice from his female friends.

I guess what hurt the most, is that we seemed to be moving forward, or so I thought. And to read he is content the way things are-which is basically being friends/roomates. We havent shared our bed in almost 6 months. We have been intimate, but I was the agressor, and their is no romantic anything between us right now. I guess I read he was content keeping it this way.

I have been so worried about trying to give him his space and to not be pushy or overbearing, that I have avoided talking about how I/he feels and where we are going or not going. I have been an emotional wreck, and to be honest have not asked because I dont think I could deal with the answer at this point. I know I'm burying my head in the sand, but Im trying to cope with the reality that this may really be over this time.

No he doesnt know that I read the email. He left his email open and I clicked on the sent mail. Its not like I went digging around trying to hack into his email.

Its just so hard to spend all day together or as a family and then at the end of the day go to our separate rooms. Im trying so hard to be patient, but I guess reading that he is still contemplating leaving, when I am being given the impression he is staying to continue to work on things is what hit me so hard.

I am doing everything I can to save our marriage, and the fact that he loves me is great, but I just seem to be focusing on the 'I'm not in love with you' part.

Eraz2010

I feel for you. Many years ago I had the "I love you, just not in-love with you" line. It's a nasty one. I tend to agree with pinkprincess though...he's telling his friend he does love you.

I've been married 10 years, and my current predicament aside, it's great! But we've had our low points, and even had a stage where intimacy all but went. I'm trying to think how we moved past it, and I would say it was a change in environment/circumstances coupled with starting to laugh together again more. Oh, and red wine and weed ;-)

turnera

Do you want to stay married to him? If you do, you can FIGHT the affair, to get your husband back. If you don't want to stay married, no one will blame you for leaving him. Tell us what you want to do and we can help you.

Estelle

I have the same problem. Im married 11 years and have 2 small kids. My husband subscribe to porn and dating sites. He said that its only for chatting to other people but I saw some of the "sent messages" and he was talking about meeting the women. He told me to take the kids and go visit his father for 3 weeks, now I know why he said that. I cant go on like this. It hurts too much.

sisters359

OP, simply tell him and let him know that the information he is sharing with friends needs to be shared with you, first and foremost. Whether he chooses to share it with someone else after that is his decision. But by NOT including you in his deepest fears, and yes, fearing you aren't going to stay married is generally a pretty deep fear.

It's up to you to show the courage here by engaging him in discussion about his--and your-greatest fear, the problems in the marriage. Don't waste energy feeling guilty about the snooping--it's not an unusual response given that he had said he felt differently about you and the marriage. I'm not condoning it, but getting sidetracked by that is simply a way to avoid the more necessary discussion--what's going on in the marriage? Counseling would be great at this juncture.

Best of luck.

deanbert74

Thanks for the support and advice. I have been doing alot of thinking the last wwek, and I still want to stick with it and continue to try to save my marriage. I am going to try to make me more appealing to him and bring back some of the excitement from when we were dating. We really do become kinda boring as time goes on...lol. I'll post my progress! Thanks again!!!

turnera

The first thing I would do is install a keylogger on his computer for a couple weeks and check his phone/text records, to see if he is having an affair. Everything you've described points right to an affair. Maybe with this friend?

You NEED to know what you're dealing with. Just 'exciting' him is pointless, if he is seeing someone else.

Kimon

By now you should be well beyond the excitement in the marriage. After all how long can you keep the excitment? A week two weeks a year? Then what you will be in the same position you are now.

No you should be getting to the phase where you are companions who enjoy each others company. You should want to walk through life together, two pieces of the same puzzle. You cannot imagine life without each other. You get each other. You know what each other is thinking. You each have each others back.

You should have a serious conversation with him, and ask him point blank if he sees you as his partner, his piece of the same puzzle. If he cannot say yes he wants you as that partner, then you should let him go and each of you find that missing half.

Freak On a Leash

Yes, I can see why you'd be discouraged after reading that email but I don't think he's having an affair. I think he's just trying to confide in and get feedback from a friend who is a women. Female friends can give a perspective that men don't have, especially when it involves another women and relationships.

Even so, you are feeling that all your hard work at reconciliation is one sided and not being appreciated and wondering if it is all for nothing after all?

You have to go with your gut on this one. If you truly want your marriage to work then put this aside and look upon it as a chance to work even harder to put things right. All is not lost in that he says he still loves you. It seems that the passion and fire is gone. Try and be creative and come up with ways to get over that last hurdle. With me, it wasn't that my husband and I didn't love each other, but we had to learn to like each other again. That might be more of your problem then being "in love"

Is there any way you can both sleep in the same bedroom? It seems so cold and discouraging to go to separate rooms while living in the same house and spending the day together. Just the act of being together in the same bed is an important one.

Even in the worst of times my husband and I shared a bed but we'd be fully clothed and on each side of the bed and we rarely went to bed together. When we set out to make things better it became VERY important for us to not only go to bed at the same time, but to sleep unclothed and together. You might want to bring this up. You can make bed a more inviting place by doing things like lighting a candle, playing some nice music and offering to give him a backrub. Chances are he won't be in a hurry to leave the bed if it's made an inviting place to be with you.

Yes, you might be feeling put out but IMO the way to win someone over is to be nice, not angry and distant, even when you are feeling hurt and betrayed. It might make all the difference in the end. If you aren't doing so already, try and schedule regular "dates" that you can enjoy together as a couple. It really does make all the difference and you will both appreciate it. You should always have some fun times together to offset all the basic daily duties and chores that come with being husband and wife (and parents if you have kids).

I'm glad to hear you are still committed to making it work and wish you the best of luck.

deanbert74

This is the best advice I have received...Thank you so much for posting it. I have been so discouraged, and confused to say the least. The sleeping separate thing is a huge deal right now, but I'm not sure how to approach it without coming across as being pushy? I thought about trying to do it in a joking way, so it doesnt seem so serious. Is that stupid? The rejection just suck so bad and tends to drag me back 10 steps every time it happens. So I guess its just fear that keeps me with my head buried in the sand...

turnera

Marriage is about honest communication. And owning your own boundaries for personal safety. If you express yourself and your partner is unwilling to listen to you, then you have to ask yourself what your marriage is really all about?

Anooniemouse

cybercrime.gov

Checking the phone billing records is one thing, but key loggers are a whole different ballgame. This is not the legal grey area that it used to be. If you aren't a party to the conversation, this can easily fall under one or more of the multiple federal & state wiretap laws.

I know the inclination, and I know the type of claims the companies who make these things make. While the software itself is perfectly legal (which is why the FTC doesn't go after them for the claim), this type of use of it is not except under some very rare circumstances. In the 1980's you could get away with a ton of things, but in 2010 its a different ballgame.

In addition to title III, it can fall under the other federal laws if the computer has been used even once to make a purchase across state lines. It can also fall under several state laws even without any interstate commerce. These are not trivial offenses. They are felonies with 5 year jail sentences, and fines that range from 5 figures, all of the way to 6 figures, plus civil recovery up to $250,000 per party, and that means everyone whose communication was intercepted.

I know the likelihood of getting caught may be low, but all it takes is a scan for spyware, intercepting a credit card bill, or checking on what a check was really used to buy - and this gives one heck of a club to a divorce attorney should this break badly, and become a hostile divorce. Do you think that FBI agents don't get divorced (some of them bitterly)? Allies for such pursuits are far easier to find than one would imagine. A simple search on casenet (which holds divorce records) of the FBI agents, and prosecutors at the local FBI field office would yield potentially dozens of them in an hours time.

People do all kinds of interesting things when their backs are against the wall, they fear losing their financial well being, and feel violated. It may not be the act of a loving husband, but it can easily be the one of a scorned one trying to make a better settlement of assets.

There are plenty of legal ways to find out the same things. They make take a little bit longer, but they have the advantage of being ...legal... and less unethical. [This is posted a little more the benefit of others, but its something to keep in mind.]

Anooniemouse

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is a very bad sign, and some very stinging words to hear. I don't think he is having an affair, more likely confiding in a friend in what he feels is a safe place to do so, but I do know those words have been uttered often in those looking for an exit, and an affair is one exit strategy. Its certainly a higher risk in that state.

He is probably taking a long hard look at where he is at, and sorting out his own feelings. You aren't sharing the same bed, and things are much colder than he would like. He may love the companionship, and even value the friendship, but there is that other point of the triangle of passion/romantic love, and that is lacking. Its been my experience that I've only felt that way when some deep need wasn't being met for a very long time. The death of love isn't anger, its apathy. When it goes on long enough, it goes through those stages of resent, to bitterness, to indifference. Indifference is the worst state to try to recover from, and its never a quick fix to get back the warm fuzzies once you've gotten there. A lot of couples don't.

I had an issue with the lack of affection in a long term relationship. My love language is touch, and it rates infinitely higher for me than sex. To be candid, I don't easily feel loved without it, and sex without it wasn't going to fill that need either; it actually made me feel worse about the situation. So after many attempts to resolve it, spending more time, more money, and more energy, and hitting the same wall - it became more than a minor resent, it became indifference. I no longer believed those claims of "We'll come back to it when I'm less tired/in the morning", or "I've set aside the weekend for us" because those mornings, and weekends had came, and gone with the same results. A sporadic attempt at it wasn't really going to get my hopes up. It never stayed fixed for long, and after making extra time for it, different times for it, and even a weekend trip for it failed... Eventually it formed a hole in my well, and it was nearly impossible to fill that hole. Worse, those resents filtered into my other thoughts. Minor things that were simply annoyances became larger.

I started staying up later to have the time alone. Or getting back up after she had fallen asleep. I eventually lost most interest in even trying to touch her, it was not going to be reciprocated. All of the lingerie, and whatever else to try to make her more exciting to me couldn't change any of that. (Its likely not going to be helpful for you either.) The sporadic attention I was getting from her wasn't going to do it, it couldn't fill that need. I loved her friendship, and I valued it highly, but a warm fuzzy? Only on rare occasion. You get to there, and a ton of effort can be spent, and its not going to change easily. People slow down on doing the nice things for each other they did when they were in love. The acts of service, making the time to talk, to touch, to date, and the small things that add up. Pretty soon that hole seems insurmountable.

For us, it was two resents. She felt alone in some of the challenges in her life, and with some of the limits in mine, and that led her to a place that she wasn't willing to take that time to touch. (She couldn't put her finger on what, and how to articulate it for a long time, nor the ghosts from her own past that it brought up. She just knew it didn't feel good. A few other things too.) For me, she didn't realize how demoralizing it was to come home, and feel no amount of effort was going to change the situation. (Because it wasn't being applied where it was needed.)

For 6-7 months I felt like I was faking it every day, and it was pretty awful to feel that way. Even though I was still willing to try to make it work, I could have uttered the same words on any day of that in a moment of frustration. I felt like such an utter, and complete failure that here I had this person with so many traits I loved, good values, great with people, loved the kids, loved God, we didn't fight, we had no hostility in the home, she was my best friend, I loved to talk to her, and I still couldn't figure out how to make this work. I felt miserable. I didn't dread her coming home or anything like that. I just lost hope it was going to change.

We both came from higher conflict relationships, and neither of us wanted that again. We were far too polite to ever want to create hostility in the home. Two people together in that mode that value peace highly, and some things get stuffed. Unfortunately, that builds resents that erode those warm fuzzies faster than anything else. We had to make a decision to turn to each other, and be willing to hear, and risk voicing a lot of things that probably weren't going to sit well with each other to keep it from happening again. Then we still had the work of trying to repair feelings, and fall in love with each other again.

I look back at that a year later, and I can't believe both of us let it get to that point. We are both better for it now. We walk hand in hand, and have the ability to make teenager repellent displays of affection in public. It was not a fun process though, and some days it still isn't. We learned we have to deal with those things immediately as they come up.

Find out what makes your husband feel loved, and figure out what truly makes you feel loved, and focus your energies there. Find out what makes him feel unloved as well, and be honest what does for you that both of you may still be doing. You may have to pry hard, but there are still some resents there that are coming to the surface in other ways. You both have to feel safe to talk about it, and be able to turn to each other with those things, and and those needs, or this will never get better, and you will end up apart. You both have a deep hole to dig out of together, and its a hard process to stop the deterioration, and turn it around.

Good luck.