hi, thankyou for the support.
I feel bad about the police. I feel scared I'm making it worse. he will see it as I've betrayed him - you're not supposed to tell, he says we don't air our dirty laundry in public.
I expect they will want to talk to him. he will be angry. sometimes he says "I thought YOU were going to hit ME", it screws my head, I'm really NOT doing that. I've recorded him admitting he lies about it, I will let the police listen to it. what a horrible position to be in with my husband.
he's angry coz he knows I'm at Freedom prog today. even the title of it angers him. he is saying he will go to his Respect prog tonight again now. he keeps telling me I shouldn't listen to women's aid.
I keep feeling it's my fault - it seems to have got worse because I've said no more of him controlling all the finances & I won't borrow any more £ to bail him out. after all the trauma of bailiff's, debt collectors, I.V.A, CCJ'S settles it all catches up with me & I go into a black hole of terrible depression where I'm on the very brink of suicide. I now see these terrible lows are triggered by all the strain/worry. I've fought so hard to not go down because I see when I'm that low I can't function &he gets all the control of the finances. by the time I do start to come back up he's got hold of everything, I wouldn't even have £ for milk.
not "enabling" him in these debt cycles is hard. if I do keep lending £, taking his promises of never again whatever he does to get these debts will continue. if I don't "rescue" by borrowing to bail him out we could end up bankrupt & homeless. to me there seems no win either way. dammed if I do, dammed if I don't. it's horrible & terrifying.
so nervous about the police. what a mess.