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post #136 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-19-2014, 07:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Hi taken a lot to post please dont hammer me i cant take it. Dr has upped my medication for heart etc &
Panic attacks.dr said im in a depression from the strain now. I am so exhausted both physical & mental.

Terrible night. We were arguing,i was upset hes working every day with no time off. It means im alone
a lot. He doesn't discuss any decisions he just does what he wants. I tried to explain i missed how we used
to be,i miss feeling loved,safe etc. He got angry. He started squaring up to me pushing his shoulders back
as he stood in my space ,i was so shocked,looked him in the face& he stopped.
Its shocked me. Thats twice now i didnt see it coming. I know. I know.

When hes in he's distant & withholding himself. He wanted sex. He was angry because i cried
afterwards - i just burst into sobbing,grief sounding crying,i dont know where it comes from i sound bereft.

He sounded different this time when he promised,it was in a different tone ,it threw me because he sounded
different. I kept thinking that maybe he could just control it if he wanted to after all i keep gegting told its
about control so maybe he could apply that control to keep himself in check?
So sorry.feel so low.
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post #137 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-19-2014, 08:17 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I'm sorry that you're so unwell that your doctor has had to up your medication, Navy, and I'm sorry that you're feeling so low.

Did you ask your doctor about him appointing a social worker to help you move out? I think it's important that you do so... There is help out there. All you have to do is ask.

I know you probably feel so tired, debilitated and ill that you feel that you can't face leaving, but I'm afraid you're going to feel this way until you manage to finally leave your H. It is his behaviour that is worsening your health issues, and I think you realize this.

I'm sorry, hon, but I don't believe your H is capable of changing. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with him, so why would he want to change? The only change that can be brought about is by your own actions, I'm afraid, and that means leaving.

((((Navy)))))

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #138 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-20-2014, 07:13 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

The cry of we abused women is "But he was so nice to me Today".

Those little crumbs of normality beat the fear of the unknown until you end up in the psych. ward.

Yes it's hard to leave a marriage, you grieve it like a death, it's incredibly painful to dissolve a union. People forget that when they tell us to leave. The pain of ending a marriage, no matter how damn necessary it is.
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post #139 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-20-2014, 11:40 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I was one of the few who left once and never went back. I know it is not the norm. I learned at the battered women's shelter that the average woman leaves 3 times before she stays gone. You are not alone. I'm proud of you for looking him in the face!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-...-my-story.html

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." - Albert Camus
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post #140 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-20-2014, 12:24 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by MissFroggie View Post
I've had 4 abusive relationships.

The 1st I went back 3 times
The 2nd I went back 3 times
The 3rd I went back 2 times
The 4th I went back 2 times

Thanks to the advice I've had on TAM I am hoping I never have another abusive relationship, but if I do I hope I fully recognise it for what it is and get out and stay out before it even turns nasty. The main reason I went back was because low self-esteem made me think that maybe it was my fault and not recognising how serious it was and how it would inevitably escalate. I felt peer pressure to forgive and allow more opportunities for change. I was in denial and didn't want to admit to myself, let alone anyone else, how bad it really was. To have had a string of abusive relationships also made me really question what I was doing that made these lovely men flip - I've come to realise it was not my doing at all and I'd just missed (or ignored) the early warning signs and was in a pattern of accepting the unacceptable. Going back is not something to feel stupid or weak for or whatever negative feelings you may have about it that you are using to blame yourself. It's a very common part of the cycle and it is difficult to work things out when you're already so deep into manipulation and then he can be so lovely when he wants to be and it's confusing because he knows what you want and how to treat you so maybe he can change? But then he doesn't and it gets worse and you feel less able to go and worry about what people think and wonder if you should just try harder, do more, be more this or that and less this or that....it's confusing and difficult to see and make clear, defined and assertive decisions when you're being controlled and manipulated. xx
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post #141 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-20-2014, 12:37 PM Thread Starter
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Thanku all for taking time to ans. I am so low, feeling tempted to go with it,over the edge im so worn out.
I did a tel. report to police & they are trying to set up meeting me at the Freedom prog to talk this wk.
Im scared of them comi g here incase a neighbour tells him. Tried to talk about it with hubby,hes minimizing
lying,trying to charm me into bed - sex but im too low.
Now he says he will go to his prog. again. Told i shouldnt have had to work so hard to get him to go he
should have wanted it.

I feel bad about the police ,torn in two but i told him what id do if tbere was any more abuse so i have too
or he'll carry on . Im close to a breakdown i think - if that happens he gets hold of all the finances
& control & starts debts up again. Am trying but so tired.
Womens aid rang but he was with me so i couldnt talk to them. Hes been accusing me of having a affai
Coz i was wearing a scarf mum gave me that he hadnt seen & a lady at church gave me a cross necklace.
He said im getting too many presents & too many calls/ texts.im in no fit state for a affair.

Thanku all so much x
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post #142 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-20-2014, 01:24 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, you really do have to stop talking to him about the abuse; ie

Quote:
Tried to talk about it with hubby,hes minimizing
You're just giving him more power and hurting yourself even more. Forget about the program for him. He doesn't think that he's got a problem, even, so no way could it ever work.

Also, you don't have to have sex with anyone - let alone an abuser. If necessary, tell him that you have a vaginal infection that won't clear up (caused by your meds).

Concentrate on nurturing yourself and getting yourself well enough to leave.

(((((Navy))))

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #143 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-20-2014, 05:07 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Can you do one thing for me until you move out? Can you watch what you say around him? You know you have to leave, so there's no point talking about any of this with him. And it endangers you.

Good job calling the police. It had to happen.
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post #144 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-21-2014, 02:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

hi, thankyou for the support.

I feel bad about the police. I feel scared I'm making it worse. he will see it as I've betrayed him - you're not supposed to tell, he says we don't air our dirty laundry in public.

I expect they will want to talk to him. he will be angry. sometimes he says "I thought YOU were going to hit ME", it screws my head, I'm really NOT doing that. I've recorded him admitting he lies about it, I will let the police listen to it. what a horrible position to be in with my husband.

he's angry coz he knows I'm at Freedom prog today. even the title of it angers him. he is saying he will go to his Respect prog tonight again now. he keeps telling me I shouldn't listen to women's aid.

I keep feeling it's my fault - it seems to have got worse because I've said no more of him controlling all the finances & I won't borrow any more £ to bail him out. after all the trauma of bailiff's, debt collectors, I.V.A, CCJ'S settles it all catches up with me & I go into a black hole of terrible depression where I'm on the very brink of suicide. I now see these terrible lows are triggered by all the strain/worry. I've fought so hard to not go down because I see when I'm that low I can't function &he gets all the control of the finances. by the time I do start to come back up he's got hold of everything, I wouldn't even have £ for milk.

not "enabling" him in these debt cycles is hard. if I do keep lending £, taking his promises of never again whatever he does to get these debts will continue. if I don't "rescue" by borrowing to bail him out we could end up bankrupt & homeless. to me there seems no win either way. dammed if I do, dammed if I don't. it's horrible & terrifying.

so nervous about the police. what a mess.
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post #145 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-21-2014, 07:35 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

If you're no longer living with him, it won't matter what happens with HIS finances. All the talk you do about leaving him seems hollow because it's all still wrapped around what will HE do (doesn't matter, you'll be gone), how angry HE will be (doesn't matter, you'll be gone), how will HE mess up YOUR finances (doesn't matter, you'll be gone).

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post #146 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-21-2014, 07:36 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

There's another poster who called the police and now he's treating her better than ever, cos the police showing up scared the crap out of him.
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post #147 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-21-2014, 11:24 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
hi, thankyou for the support.

I feel bad about the police. I feel scared I'm making it worse. he will see it as I've betrayed him - you're not supposed to tell, he says we don't air our dirty laundry in public.

If he didn't create it, there wouldn't be any "dirty laundry." Expecting you to hide his behaviour means that he knows that it's wrong, but does it regardless.


I expect they will want to talk to him. he will be angry. sometimes he says "I thought YOU were going to hit ME", it screws my head, I'm really NOT doing that. I've recorded him admitting he lies about it, I will let the police listen to it. what a horrible position to be in with my husband.

Abusers often report having been assaulted by their victims. The police are used to this and will take it with a pinch of salt. My ex abuser even laid charges against me for assault, but it didn't get him very far - particularly as the police officer who accompanied me to collect my possessions had had to call for back up!



he's angry coz he knows I'm at Freedom prog today. even the title of it angers him. he is saying he will go to his Respect prog tonight again now. he keeps telling me I shouldn't listen to women's aid.

Who cares about his anger? That's his problem. He doesn't want you to seek help because he knows what he's doing is wrong, but has no intentions of stopping it.


I keep feeling it's my fault - it seems to have got worse because I've said no more of him controlling all the finances & I won't borrow any more £ to bail him out. after all the trauma of bailiff's, debt collectors, I.V.A, CCJ'S settles it all catches up with me & I go into a black hole of terrible depression where I'm on the very brink of suicide. I now see these terrible lows are triggered by all the strain/worry. I've fought so hard to not go down because I see when I'm that low I can't function &he gets all the control of the finances. by the time I do start to come back up he's got hold of everything, I wouldn't even have £ for milk.

If you're feeling suicidal, phone the Samaritans:- 08457 90 90 90

not "enabling" him in these debt cycles is hard. if I do keep lending £, taking his promises of never again whatever he does to get these debts will continue. if I don't "rescue" by borrowing to bail him out we could end up bankrupt & homeless. to me there seems no win either way. dammed if I do, dammed if I don't. it's horrible & terrifying.

so nervous about the police. what a mess.
None of this is going to end until you leave him, Navy. If you don't feel well enough to leave (mentally or physically), speak to your doctor and get him to appoint a social worker to help you do so. There is no shame in doing this.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #148 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-21-2014, 02:06 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

My ex always emphasized "our business". Everything was "our business" and he didn't want me to discuss anything with girlfriends. I felt I was censored even if I so much as said I was worried about making the car payment because he had a slow month in business, much less saying he hit me.

The secret is their security. As long as no one knows, you won't get help and he will have you in his control. Once there is no secrecy and it's out in the open, he looses power and control. Blow the doors wide open.

He may be ugly and mean but as long as he knows everyone is watching out for you, his hands are tied.

It's NOT your fault. Another way he knows he's wrong? He wouldn't hit you or speak rudely to you within the hearing of strangers, would he? He is perfectly in control of his behavior; he CHOOSES to not control it.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-...-my-story.html

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." - Albert Camus
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post #149 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-21-2014, 06:22 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Just a quick *HUG* from the USA to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping you'll soon be on your own! I know you're swamped right now, things WILL get better! You're getting lots of good advice and support...just take it ONE STEP at a time and let the professionals help you. Listen to them, please; it's what they do for a living!

Feel better (at least a little bit) knowing there are others (even total strangers) who CARE about you and know YOU ARE WORTHWHILE and deserve HAPPINESS!!!

*HUGS*
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post #150 of 1073 (permalink) Old 01-21-2014, 09:04 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I find a swift right hook to the jaw works best on a abuser. Sometimes violence is the answer to people who only know violence I've found.
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