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post #16 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-04-2013, 05:28 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I think if you don't take care of issues now while you can, you won't have a choice later. You'll end up as one of those people who is kept alive just so the carer can have the extra income. Since you need help to move around and get in or out, and there's no money available to you, he could easily cut off your phone and internet and access to computer, and you won't have any options. I think you know this, you just don't want to have to face it?
So what if you move into council housing with a paid carer, he wouldn't be able to get to you there, you wouldn't be living under the conditions he creates, which all seem to be unhealthy. As for your parents and friends, be careful because he may have already dropped hints to them that you're unstable and paranoid, many abusive people do this, they manipulate your credibility behind your back, so that when you call for help, nobody takes you seriously. :-( Trust the people you should trust, who understand how abusers work. This would be the professionals at the women's center. You need to have some courage, and the sheer will to do something for yourself. Not sure why you feel that you don't deserve to be living a life that's free of this horrible treatment, you do. Suppose you were someone who could solve problems, who knew the details of the situation of someone like yourself, and had the time and energy to help. As a kind stranger, would you not want to help someone like yourself? Step outside yourself and let the capable part of yourself help "you". Sure there will be struggles but you will be in charge of how you manage them.

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post #17 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-04-2013, 08:13 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, at least your parents won't abuse you like he does. You may be confined a bit at first (you can CHANGE that!), but the lack of the mental abuse will be freeing and HEALTHY for you. Tell your dad you need his help protecting you from your mom, and move in. THEN start saving money and paying bills.
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post #18 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 04:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I feel I would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

my mum can be cruel, Dad copes with her by being in denial. she chooses her times when he isn't present. I really don't feel living with her would be good for my mental health. it is tempting, it seems a easier option but I think if I leave I should at least try living alone with support first, at least i'd know i'd tried then even if I can't cope physically (even with outside help). I am thinking about it but i'm not at that point yet.

to realise this wk my husband is STILL lying to me about the debts has been another blow. can't remember if I've posted it or not,sorry if repeating - he initially told me I had "helped" him find the secured loan company - this was a lie.

he researched it, the first I knew about it was him producing the paperwork. then he kept insisting i'd agreed/wanted it - lies, he pressured me into signing it after a period of manipulation - "niceness",angry/shouting/swearing/pleading/begging/silent treatment/finally pressure,shouting & swearing. he bullied me into it.

this wk he let slip he'd got himself a broker!!!!!!!!!!!! to help him source this loan. so a broker knew a loan was wanted against MY home before I did!! i'm stunned, angry. and then he had the gall to tell me I had known about the broker!! i'm so angry.
is there no end to his deception? he's still lying to me.

lying saying I was involved with the process/decision's just feel's like another betrayal. or am I being too sensitive?
I am not unstable. I haven't been depressed & "forgotton" but it's how he paints me. Because of The Freedom Programme (for D V) I am so aware of certain tactics, it's knowing myself within myself when he lies that's given me the inner strength to know the truth even if I don't feel safe to challenge him.
I feel scared of him, he's messing with my head, am I being too sensitive? he tries to make me doubt myself.
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post #19 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-21-2013, 10:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

i'm hesitant about writing. I know.

it had been over 2mths since he squared up to me. I kept wondering if that meant it'd stopped?? coz if as The Freedom prog. states "he makes a choice" they maybe he can chose to stop?? round & round, hoping, wanting desperately it to have stopped. wondering if i can let my guard down?

we were arguing, I stood still holding on a rail, he was several paces way from me, he came at me, his shoulders pushed back, chest out in my face, red, angry. all I could see were the speckles in his top - it happened SO quickly, it shocked me, normally I can see or "feel" him building - &I go into soothing/placating or get away but it happened so fast, I was cornered.

I put my hand up in front of his chest(no violence) & told him to get out of my space & not to "do that to me". he backed off. but it's left me feeling very shocked & faced with the ans. to my own question of has it really stopped?

my counsellor has suggested looking at trauma bonding. not seen her to talk about this latest yet.

he's back to being nice, charming like nothing happened. he says, "I've apologised what more do you want?". I said," you promised me you wouldn't do that to me again", he just said, "yes", nothing else. he didn't actually say i'm sorry at all but kept saying "I've apologised". it feels surreal because he's being nice, winked at me, wants cuddles.

I've had the run's with the stress& he keeps trying to kiss me but it sets a panic attack off, i can't breathe.
I feel scared, shocked, sad, devastated, it feels unreal. i wish with all my heart he'd just stop.

i'd be losing my home with all the adaptions, my carer, as well as letting go of a long marriage to the man i expected to grow old with. i have my ans. it's not what i wanted to hear. i'm so distressed, sad.
I know. i know.
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post #20 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-21-2013, 11:36 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I'm sorry you're losing the dream. But you can build a new one, navy. A better one where you never have to fear again.
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post #21 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-23-2013, 03:05 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
i'm hesitant about writing. I know.

it had been over 2mths since he squared up to me. I kept wondering if that meant it'd stopped?? coz if as The Freedom prog. states "he makes a choice" they maybe he can chose to stop?? round & round, hoping, wanting desperately it to have stopped. wondering if i can let my guard down?

we were arguing, I stood still holding on a rail, he was several paces way from me, he came at me, his shoulders pushed back, chest out in my face, red, angry. all I could see were the speckles in his top - it happened SO quickly, it shocked me, normally I can see or "feel" him building - &I go into soothing/placating or get away but it happened so fast, I was cornered.

I put my hand up in front of his chest(no violence) & told him to get out of my space & not to "do that to me". he backed off. but it's left me feeling very shocked & faced with the ans. to my own question of has it really stopped?

my counsellor has suggested looking at trauma bonding. not seen her to talk about this latest yet.

he's back to being nice, charming like nothing happened. he says, "I've apologised what more do you want?". I said," you promised me you wouldn't do that to me again", he just said, "yes", nothing else. he didn't actually say i'm sorry at all but kept saying "I've apologised". it feels surreal because he's being nice, winked at me, wants cuddles.

I've had the run's with the stress& he keeps trying to kiss me but it sets a panic attack off, i can't breathe.
I feel scared, shocked, sad, devastated, it feels unreal. i wish with all my heart he'd just stop.

i'd be losing my home with all the adaptions, my carer, as well as letting go of a long marriage to the man i expected to grow old with. i have my ans. it's not what i wanted to hear. i'm so distressed, sad.
I know. i know.

He backed off when you did something differently: you said put your hand up and told him to get out of your space. You forced him to respect you. I haven't read all of your posts in detail, but it seems as though this small gesture is actually quite huge.

You cannot change other people but you can change how you react to them. Your gesture was one of calmness and firmness. I truly hope that you can maintain your relationship on your terms, not his anymore, because it sounds like you do love him.

All the best.
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post #22 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-23-2013, 08:34 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
my counsellor has suggested looking at trauma bonding. not seen her to talk about this latest yet.
Navy, 2 more links for you:-

Trauma Bonding
:

Untitled Document

Stockholm Syndrome:

Stockholm Syndrome: The Psychological Mystery of Loving an Abuser, Page 1

I know it's scary, but leaving this man is the best thing you can do for yourself. He isn't going to change - a very few small percentage of abusers do...

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 11-23-2013 at 12:45 PM.
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post #23 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-23-2013, 07:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

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post #24 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-23-2013, 07:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Thankyou for the support. Ive read the links - thankyou. I will pass them onto others i've met at The Freedom
Prog.
He said today he knows its wrong what he's doing! Usually he dodges,minimizes etc or says lies.
I showed him the Respect prog online (Uk) for abusers. He read the1st line & refused to look at any more
Says he' "had a word with himself." & that he cant afford to get into a argument or dissagree with me
at all. Having a argument isnt the issue.its abuse or the threat of violence thats the issue.
He said"theres no way im doing ANY programme. I know its wrong".

Him saying he cant "afford" to get into a argument with me un nerved me a bit.is he thinking
about doing something or worried he'll lose it?

My parents are away at the moment. Will talk to Dad when they get back. It all feels surreal, part of me
wants to cling to hope yet another can see how unlikely it is he will change. If he wont go for help
there's nothing i can do.
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post #25 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-23-2013, 08:29 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, the ONLY way he will ever get help is AFTER you leave.

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post #26 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-23-2013, 09:00 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

If it comes down to you parents and your abusive husband, then I guess it comes down to the lesser of two evils.

This man has the ways and means to if he wants to put you through more hell than your already going through. Maybe he's cooling off now but what about tomorrow? Please get out of there and go with your parents. The man is dangerous and it won't take much to set him off if he's holding it all in him. You and I along with everyone on this forum supporting you know what could happen when he finally blows up. Please go and do not look back

By the way, do your children know about this? If they don't you should fill them in. No son. NO SON will ever let his father hit his mother. I loved my father to death. he was a good man and I would cut my arm off for him but I would not hesitate one minuet going after him if he had ever hit my mother.
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post #27 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-23-2013, 09:36 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Navy, the ONLY way he will ever get help is AFTER you leave.
Even when an abuser is willing to go for abuse counseling, it is a prerequisite that the couple aren't living together during the therapy.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #28 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-23-2013, 09:43 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

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Originally Posted by 6301 View Post
If it comes down to you parents and your abusive husband, then I guess it comes down to the lesser of two evils.
Another option is a women's centre / women's refuge. They have many resources available to them (legal, counseling and accommodation). This route should never be seen as 'the end,' but rather a road to freedom and a new beginning.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #29 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-23-2013, 09:58 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
Thankyou for the support. Ive read the links - thankyou. I will pass them onto others i've met at The Freedom
Prog.
He said today he knows its wrong what he's doing! Usually he dodges,minimizes etc or says lies.
I showed him the Respect prog online (Uk) for abusers. He read the1st line & refused to look at any more
Says he' "had a word with himself." & that he cant afford to get into a argument or dissagree with me

at all. Having a argument isnt the issue.its abuse or the threat of violence thats the issue.
He said"theres no way im doing ANY programme. I know its wrong".

Him saying he cant "afford" to get into a argument with me un nerved me a bit.is he thinking
about doing something or worried he'll lose it?
Posted via Mobile Device
A abusive personality is extremely hard to change, it sounds like he is nowhere ready to do the work it takes to change (or he doesn't want to).
Yes it's possible to change the same way a drug addict can change but it takes a h*ck of a lot more than just choosing not to abuse, they have to WANT to truly change because they don't like what they're doing (rather than the threat of losing what they want. That just brings temporary changes until you get comfortable, then the abuse cycle starts all over again with a updated manipulation strategy which to be honest sounds like what he's doing).

Last edited by TiggyBlue; 11-23-2013 at 10:22 PM.
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post #30 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-24-2013, 05:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

know that I am trying,please.

it wouldn't matter to me if he went for help after I left. once I leave I will not come back.

you're right, the more pressured I feel the worse it all feels - even harder if he's "on best behaviour". I feel like i'm being torn in 2, just as I get my head to think I should get out he turns on being so "nice".

I know I should leave him now. its taken so long to get here but I can still feel him trying to draw me back in - like i'm fighting the pull of the tide. its horrible. the good patches,hope, keep you locked in.

kids are both grown & away from home. 1 at uni, don't want to distract him. they do know what's been going on but not about the latest. can't bring myself to tell them.

at Womens aid a women's husband did the programme but he's gradually slipped into different abusive tactics.
the local refuge isn't for disabled women.

this is so very hard. I still want it all to be ok but I can see its unlikely. I made a mental list of things to do but he's being so "nice" again now, kisses, I love you's - it's all such a screw up for my head, if seems un real, not knowing what's what, so confusing - my counsellor said, "you know that's his intention don't you?" it's all smoke & mirrors, I don't know which way is up. I don't know what's real with him.

his "I can't afford to lose my temper" comment has niggled me, because I've said i'd report him? or afford because he knows i'd leave & he needs my to help pay mortgage,secured loan etc? is it he can't afford to lose my ? he can't afford a car - he uses my mobility car.
And he keeps asking me what my counsellors name is, seems funny, he drives me to the app. is he just playing mind games?

the incident was about a wk ago. is it too late to report itto the police just incase he does anything else? I don't want to get him in trouble, don't want him to know just to get it logged. he didn't hit me so I end up minimizing it myself! I feel like it sounds silly - he said"You should know I won't hit you", but how when he's coming at me?
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