Domestic Abuse. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
The Ladies' Lounge Sharing and support.

User Tag List

 1576Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-24-2013, 07:33 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 4,457
Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
the local refuge isn't for disabled women.
Even if there isn't one locally, there could be one in a nearby town, and refuges help arrange transport. It wouldn't mean that you would have to permanently move out of your area, Navy. Just gain some respite and get the help (emotional and practical) that you need in rebuilding your life.

"A number of domestic violence organisations now do provide for a range of disabilities. Many have outreach services or independent advocacy services which can help you. Many refuges now have full wheelchair access, and workers who can assist women and children who have special needs such as hearing or visual impairments, and some Women's Aid organisations offer BSL interpreters. For more information, you should contact the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge."

There's are other resources and lots more info here:-

Women's Aid - The Survivor's Handbook - Disabled women

I'm glad that you've got a counselor, Navy. Your H sounds potentially dangerous to me. Right now, it's my guess that he's concerned that you might be on the brink of escaping his abusive clutches, and this is the only reason he's toning down the abuse. Not only does he stand to lose his victim, but also the extra finances your disability brings...

Do you have a social worker? If so, I'd also solicit his/her help, too.


Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 11-24-2013 at 07:56 AM.
Cosmos is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-24-2013, 12:22 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,180
Re: Domestic Abuse.

What is your limit Navy? Can you live with a man who hits you? Can you live with a man who backs you into a corner and holds you so you can't move? Can you live with a man who yells at you? What is your limit?
turnera is offline  
post #33 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-25-2013, 04:32 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 347
Re: Domestic Abuse.

hi. sorry I know I seem very weak, trying to be stronger.

my Dad is back now but he's at hospital today for a check up, he's been told he needs open heart surgery, prob early new yr - I feel bad about adding stress on him. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I can see why women commit suicide in these situations - i'm not feeling like that at the moment.

I've left a message for my counsellor to try & get to see her this wk instead of waiting. I find her very good to talk to, she's picked up on a lot I wasn't aware of.

I know what I ought to do. i'm just scared to death to start the ball rolling... once it starts there's no going back, scared of the fall out & still wishing he'd go for help but clear he won't, either way things are changed for ever now.

I feel shaky, daren't allow myself to cry, I'll fall apart.

what's my limit? I won't be hit. I won't borrow any more £ when he runs up debts.
AND I won't be intimidated so that i'm too scared to say what I think/feel.

I am going to act. I can't live in such fear, the waiting is awful. I just need courage now.
i'm at the Freedom prog tomorrow. if I haven't had the push/corage to make a call today I will talk to a leader tomorrow.
thankyou all x
Navy3 is offline  
 
post #34 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-25-2013, 05:30 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 4,457
Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
hi. sorry I know I seem very weak, trying to be stronger.

It's quite easy to be strong when you're coming from a position of strength. You're disabled and that makes all of this so much more difficult for you to deal with. One day at a time, Navy, but keep on moving forward...

I have health issues, and if I had an abuser around me right now, I don't know how I'd cope. Abusers suck the life out of those around them and cloud their victim's judgment and ability to act (which is their intention).


my Dad is back now but he's at hospital today for a check up, he's been told he needs open heart surgery, prob early new yr - I feel bad about adding stress on him. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I can see why women commit suicide in these situations - i'm not feeling like that at the moment.

I'm glad that you're not feeling suicidal. An abuser is never worth giving our lives for. In fact they're worth absolutely nothing!

I'm sorry to hear about your father, but none of this is your doing. You haven't created the situation with your H. He has.


I've left a message for my counsellor to try & get to see her this wk instead of waiting. I find her very good to talk to, she's picked up on a lot I wasn't aware of.

I know what I ought to do. i'm just scared to death to start the ball rolling... once it starts there's no going back, scared of the fall out & still wishing he'd go for help but clear he won't, either way things are changed for ever now.

Very few abusers change. Even those who desperately WANT to change often can't, and it sounds as though your H's attitude regarding help is tepid at best.


I feel shaky, daren't allow myself to cry, I'll fall apart.

what's my limit? I won't be hit. I won't borrow any more £ when he runs up debts.
AND I won't be intimidated so that i'm too scared to say what I think/feel.

I am going to act. I can't live in such fear, the waiting is awful. I just need courage now.
i'm at the Freedom prog tomorrow. if I haven't had the push/corage to make a call today I will talk to a leader tomorrow.
thankyou all x

I hope things go well for you today.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Cosmos is offline  
post #35 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-25-2013, 07:32 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,180
Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, if your child were suffering this much, but afraid to tell you so as not to add to YOUR burden, how would you feel? Don't you think your father would feel the same way? Let your father help you.
turnera is offline  
post #36 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-26-2013, 05:40 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 347
Talked to freedom prog leader. She said you've got to decide if you can live the rest of your life like this.
I was a wreck.i know.
I rang the Respect prog for abusers in uk.the lady said they get calls off men who admit they're abusive
& want to change.
Ive had panic attacks & the runs im so stressed & scared. He said tonight he's had his counselling - he
Finished C.B.T a few months ago. I said it hasnt worked though. Hes angry. OMG the panic when i can
see/feel him getting angry! I cant breathe. Hes angry with me for being scared of him - !!

Out is the only way. Felt like i wanted to escape. Hes angry i asked him to sleep in the other room.i cant
cope - cant breathe with him near me.
Dad is at the hospital for results but i will ring hin tomorrow. Im scared as soon as he starts gettinh angry.
Im so scared of not being able to cope physically & £ without him but the stress is awful. My heart has
over a 100 just sitting with him.

He said he knows im scared of him. He said hes not having any more counselling or seeing anyone.
Im scared incase he finds out i want to go. I am going to. I dont feel v brave at all.
Posted via Mobile Device
Navy3 is offline  
post #37 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-27-2013, 07:41 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,180
Re: Domestic Abuse.

You are brave for even considering leaving. But please let your family help you do it.
turnera is offline  
post #38 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-27-2013, 08:10 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 347
Re: Domestic Abuse.

i'm not feeling in a good place, v emotional.

dad is quite poorly so can't come in person, mum's no help.
dad suggested I talk to husband & tell him he either does the abuser programme or I want a trial of 1 mth apart - he said go to him& mum.
dad said he'll ask my brother ( lives nr dad) to come up & help me - he has a big car.
then,at the end of the mth if still he won't do the programme look at filing for divorce.

hubby has said AGAIN in his lunch break he's no intention of doing any programme. i''ve not mentioned the trial break to hubby yet because Womens aid are ringing me soon.i am scared of his reaction. he smiled, hugged me, i'm sure he thinks he's charming me - scary to see.

I said to dad I feel vulnerable going to them. what if theres a row & they chuck me out. i'm so tired of others having control.
husband was smiley & huge tight - too tight cuddles at lunch & acting as though nothing is wrong.

he said " i'm in separate rooms so you feel safe. it's gona take time for you to feel all your love & devotion to me,i know that".
what is he thinking?? i am never gona feel 100?% safe with him.i'd be crazy.
he looked in our bedroom & smiled, it all looks normal from the door, but I've got a case flat on the floor,& all my documents together.

he just thinks that "this time" i should trust him coz he says "it won't happen again" i said, "you said that last time". "i mean it this time". i'm still finding it hard but can see nothing is changing.

i don't want to have to go. i'm so scared. but nothing's changed.
i caught my neighbour on the front, she's a DV survivor, scared incase she gossips - told her, if he knows i'm talking he'll be livid. i asked her if she hears noise will she ring the police but we're not joined on to her.

waiting for womens aid now, local refuge is being done up so no places.
any advice please? he's thinking he's drawing me in but apart from separate rooms nothing else.
Navy3 is offline  
post #39 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-27-2013, 08:21 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,180
Re: Domestic Abuse.

Don't tell him anything. Just give flat answers, don't make any promises. Line up anyone you can to help you in a pinch, just in case. And don't worry about 'a row' at your parents' - if you can stay with this guy and not get in a row, it should be no trouble with your parents.

Are you reading any books right now? Try to get some, to empower you.
turnera is offline  
post #40 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-27-2013, 12:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 224
Re: Domestic Abuse.

Unless he is good friends with your neighbours who are attached to yours, tell them so they will call the police on hearing anything aggressive. They will not tell him - they never do. The last thing they'd want is to make things worse or get an angry man angry with them too. Too many people hear things and don't call the police because they don't want to over-react/get involved etc. If you have asked them to, they are far more likely to as psychologically you have made them partially responsible for your safety.

I know it is difficult and the fear of him finding out you have spoken is intense, but keeping it all to yourself is worse. You will be surprised how many people are there for you and how many people have their own experiences of things too. Knowing that if I failed to make it to the phone didn't mean the police wouldn't be called reduced my fear and anxiety levels.

MissFroggie is offline  
post #41 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-28-2013, 12:10 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 347
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissFroggie View Post
Unless he is good friends with your neighbours who are attached to yours, tell them so they will call the police on hearing anything aggressive. They will not tell him - they never do. The last thing they'd want is to make things worse or get an angry man angry with them too. Too many people hear things and don't call the police because they don't want to over-react/get involved etc. If you have asked them to, they are far more likely to as psychologically you have made them partially responsible for your safety.

I know it is difficult and the fear of him finding out you have spoken is intense, but keeping it all to yourself is worse. You will be surprised how many people are there for you and how many people have their own experiences of things too. Knowing that if I failed to make it to the phone didn't mean the police wouldn't be called reduced my fear and anxiety levels.
Posted via Mobile Device
Navy3 is offline  
post #42 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-28-2013, 12:30 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 347
Re: Domestic Abuse.

Had a terrible night with him. Read the Respect prog. Out to him - hes adamant hes NOT a abuser.
Not sure if hes just in denial or what.
Feel so low have thought of suicide.
Im so tired. Dont want to have to go but if i dont nothing is going to change. Been so upset & worrying about
how this is impacting my poor dad - his heart is v serious wating for open heart surgery.
Hubby said i'll take you to your parents if you want a break - he will come back in my otability car.
Thing is i feel v wary of leaving my personal possesions with him,i have a niggle he gambled as part of th
debt. He thinks if he won the lottery he'd sort "everything out" - its not all about debt.

I dont even trust him to leave him in the house- he doesnt seem bothered about me going. Hez angry -
Livid that my parents know what he's been doing.rather than upset about me. I think he's just so sure
I wouldnt leave him long term.

I am totally heart broken & my spirit is battered. I so wanted him to change but hes adamant. He even
wrote it down that he will not have counselling, & if we divorce he will put his share of equity off the
Secured loan because he knows it was wrong bullying me to sign for it,& that he wont bully me again
physically - then he signed it!!!!

I wanted him to change. He tells me he has. I know now it will happen again. Womens aid have said
they can link up with womens aid in m& d' areaa to get me counselling while im down there.
I think i need it. Hes so **** sure i'll come back. It was so heart breaking looking at him & seeing
him.
Posted via Mobile Device
Navy3 is offline  
post #43 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-28-2013, 02:13 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 347
Re: Domestic Abuse.

dad told me not to worry about taking things like furniture - I wanted to take a sm sofa & the washer - thinking I wont have much £. womens aid told me not to worry about taking big things - sort them later.

I think it's personal paperwork & possessions like jewellery or sentimental things & clothes i'm bothered about now.

I know I must drive you guys mad...I move emotionally away from him, he draws me back a bit, I get upset, he promises I won't intimidate/get aggressive &we'll clear the debt,we'll get you a bungalow.....but part of me feels v wary it's just a carrot on a stick....if he won't get help it will happen again won't it??

my body isn't good physically today.

womens aid ringing later, I want to try & see my counsellor today or tomorrow, feel I trust her. feels a bit like everyone's telling me what to do. some saying it's up to you, I get so confused with him at me on top of it all.

so, I am going to go to m& d, for 1mth, i'm going to take my dog, all precious things ie photos, things that were my nana's incase I don't come back. if he won't do a programme then no matter how much I love him nothing will change.

he's going to be dam angry if he "lets me go for a break" & I won't come back. at the moment I intend to keep the joint bank & pay the secured loan, mortgage etc with him for 1 mth in the hope he'll have time to think. I doubt it'll change his stand point. at the end of the 1 mth if he won't go to a programme then i'll have my £ paid into a sole acc i'd opened incase this situation arose.

a lot to do. I would like to go on Saturday or early next week.
i'm so sad I won't be home for Christmas day - our son's are home for Christmas - now that's making me cry!
thankyou all so very much, i'm a wreck but the support is giving me strength. bless you x
Navy3 is offline  
post #44 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-28-2013, 05:16 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 4,457
Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, I'm so glad that you're going to be going to your parents.

At this stage I think it's important that you stop mentioning to your H that he's an abuser and, at all costs, don't let him have a single inkling that you're leaving him for good. The most dangerous time for a victim of DV is when they decide to leave...

Get safely away from him and then hit with a restraining order, if necessary, and let Women's Aid help you work out all the legalities. Your main focus at the moment is leaving, so try not to think of anything else, because you need to keep completely focused...

Take the following things with you:-
  • Some form of identification
  • Birth certificates
  • Passports, visas and work permits (if applicable)
  • Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards
  • Keys for house, car, and place of work
  • Cards for payment of any welfare benefits you are entitled to
  • Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable
  • Prescribed medication
  • Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements)
  • Insurance documents, including national insurance number
  • Address book
  • Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value

Navy, if you need some IRL moral support right now, please PM and I'll give you my mobile number.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 11-28-2013 at 05:33 AM.
Cosmos is offline  
post #45 of 1073 (permalink) Old 11-28-2013, 08:16 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,180
Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
he's going to be dam angry if he "lets me go for a break" & I won't come back.
Navy, if you are gone, IT WON'T MATTER if he's angry, because you won't be there to be the brunt of his anger.

I'm VERY proud of you for taking this break. You SO need it.

And please call a help line to talk to someone. Please?
turnera is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
domestic violence cookie10 General Relationship Discussion 4 08-10-2010 07:56 PM
domestic help preso The Social Spot 12 09-03-2009 04:43 AM
Domestic abuse Abby_1963 The Ladies' Lounge 3 01-26-2009 11:04 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome