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post #46 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-28-2013, 08:18 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

And your sons will come see you at Christmas. Trust me.

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post #47 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-28-2013, 08:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

hi thankyou for all that. mum said to me make sure you bring your disabled blue badge & my wheels - walking aid for outside as he will go to work in the car the day i'm going & they're in the car. so much to think about. i'll have to lie to get them indoors - he'll be angry when he see's I've gone without telling him.

son can't get time off to help so my sis going to make a 180 mile trip to pick me up,get me & take me over 200 miles to my parents - i'm gobsmacked - i'm not emotionally close to her, so thankful...I wept.

lunch time, he got v angry - god the sudden panic, gut in knots. I told him dad's said he wants keep off me, told him how much he was LIVID. he said "so you're going to really go then?" I said, "I told you last night, just for a month for a break."
he said I hadn't told him, I did.
he said " so you want money as well then?" its my money!!! God I was scared. he went back in a temper. i'm very aware he could get worse because im going, scary.

so my day is arranged. pray I don't forget anything important. he's still refusing to get help so I won't come back once I go but daren't tell him that. once I know for sure after the mth i'll change banks - he'll be LIVID but i'll be a long way away then.

i'm leaving him my motability car to use for the month. he's agreed he'll bring it down if I want it but he might play up. not worrying about it for now -it's mine.

my women's aid lady rang, helped to talk. she said think of it as just having a break if it's over whelming, she reminded me I can go back if I want to but I need to give it a full mth. she said she will link with womens aid in mum & dads area so I've got on going support.

my heads swimming with practical things had to make alist. seeing my counsellor tomorrow - she's been bril . I can't pack things like photos in the living room until the day i'm going - don't want to alert him, so scared but bit better than yesterday now I have a plan. medicines ordered too.

can't believe it. can't believe this is happening to me. would never have dreamed i'd be in a relationship with DV. it feels surreal & scary.

Turnea I think(not sure of spelling)
you said to me on another thread - you know you'll end up leaving him, it shocked me, no I didn't!! here I am. it's be a long road.
thankyou all so very much.
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post #48 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-28-2013, 08:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

yes women's aid lady said ring the helpline at any time.

my oldest has said he'll bring his brother down to see me 1 day over Christmas. I got upset - he can't cope with tears, I was so choked up I couldn't speak. the toughest thing is not being a family Christmas day - v distressing.

hubby was livid coz he realised I won't be there Christmas day. just hope I can get away without too much trouble. i'll have to lie which will anger him.
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post #49 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-28-2013, 09:18 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Two things, Navy. First, your sons can bring you your pictures and other things. Remember that.

Second, the LAW will help you get your car back and any furniture. Let the legal process take care of things like that.

Oh, and just tell your your husband that you just need time to regroup, you need some rest and recreation so you can come back rested. Yes, it is all right to lie to him. Your lies are nowhere NEAR as bad a thing as what he has done to you. Let the counselor sort out why it's ok to lie to an abuser, ok?
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post #50 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-28-2013, 09:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

ok. i'm usually so open& honest with him it feels awful but I can "feel" it's not safe.

dad has said I can stay permanent if I want to. too far ahead right now.

I've said to womens aid here i'll need counselling once I get down there.
thanks so much x
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post #52 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 02:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

thankyou.

i'm a emotional wreck. yesterday he got angry coz I said I was still going to mum & dad for a break, the look,sneer, god my tummy flips& tightens, then my heart races.

I keep questioning myself,wondering if i'm being too sensitive,especially as he's been so nice,kind,caring this morning. but I know it's not right to get so scared when I see him building. he said i'm making out he's battering me - i'm not. but he has hit,knocked me down in the past, held me, blocked me in, this squaring up to me - shoulders back,chest in my face, eys bulging,spitting in temper has me fearful of being badly assaulted. it hasn't got to that point but I fear it could.

last night he said again, no programme. I have to reign myself in to stop myself begging him to try. he said "you're just backing me into a corner, you're bullying ME!" am I?

if I stay I feel it'll be like saying it's ok,i accept it. I just can't do that.

I can see it's a cycle having done the Freedom prog. but it is agony trying to step out of it. I would come back if he goes on a programme but i'd need solid proof rather than his promises.

busy day. keep me in your prayers guy's i'm really struggling.
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post #53 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 04:11 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
he said i'm making out he's battering me - i'm not. but he has hit,knocked me down in the past, held me, blocked me in, this squaring up to me - shoulders back,chest in my face, eys bulging,spitting in temper has me fearful of being badly assaulted. it hasn't got to that point but I fear it could.
He IS battering you. Both mentally AND physically.

I wish you a safe exit, Navy, but you really have to stop trying to reason with him... You need to just get away safely.
Quote:
I would come back if he goes on a programme but i'd need solid proof rather than his promises.
I find this worrying. Once you leave he will promise you the earth just to get you back but, believe me, if you buy into that you'll find the abuse will escalate very quickly. Programs for abusers usually stipulate that the couple should be living apart whilst it is in progress. Even then, the success rate isn't that good...

Good luck!

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 11-29-2013 at 04:50 AM.
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post #54 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 11:32 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Cosmos View Post
He IS battering you. Both mentally AND physically.

I wish you a safe exit, Navy, but you really have to stop trying to reason with him... You need to just get away safely.


I find this worrying. Once you leave he will promise you the earth just to get you back but, believe me, if you buy into that you'll find the abuse will escalate very quickly. Programs for abusers usually stipulate that the couple should be living apart whilst it is in progress. Even then, the success rate isn't that good...


Good luck!

Thanku. Really tough day.emotional wreck. My oldest rang - he was a bit better today,he couldnt
handle it yesterday. Feel awful asking them to keep secrets from their father. I will cover it once im away

This is all v bizzar. Hes acting all normal & nice,Dad said im sure he does love you.

Counsellor said its worrying he admits to knowing he scares me but refuses help.
I took a pad&asked her for a few sentances to help me through the coming days - so many women
struggle to stay out.

If all goes well i will be gone tomorrow. Please keep me in your prayers. He is going to be so shocked
Ireally did mean it & i expect he'll be angry. Thankyou all. Cant believe im at this point but hes given me
no choice.
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post #55 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 12:01 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I agree, Navy, many women find it very difficult to stay away - but they're so glad when they do. It's vital that you keep on talking to Women's Aid and your therapist after you leave.

Right now you're caught up in the cycle of abuse and that cycle has to be broken once and for all. It isn't easy, but you really can do this!

You're in my thoughts and prayers.


Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #56 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 03:20 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Cosmos View Post
I agree, Navy, many women find it very difficult to stay away - but they're so glad when they do. It's vital that you keep on talking to Women's Aid and your therapist after you leave.

Right now you're caught up in the cycle of abuse and that cycle has to be broken once and for all. It isn't easy, but you really can do this!

You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Feeling awful - my deception of what im about to do. He is being so nice. This is so hard why wont he
go for help? Why? How can he say he knows but refuse to sort it out?
I know im lucky to have somewhere to go,many dont. But i want this to be ok.if i let myself cry im in bits.
Hes going to be shocked & v angry.
WA should do a link up for local support - gonna need it. Cant believe im dealing with this.making horrible
choices.
Sorry. V wobbly.
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post #57 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 11:26 PM Thread Starter
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"Nice" is part of the cycle, a nice that does not last and part of a cycle you are trying to break. The "nice" is a way to control others and has no root in altruism.
Been awake since4.4.45 am. Woke twice with fright from nightmares.so tired but cant sleep.
Terriible scare last night he waz looking for my tablets .he suddenly said he knew where they
were - pack.god i was scared.he said youre really going to go arent yoj? I said its just fora break,a rest.
Lying is awful.i siad next week.

So scared in case he looks in a bag hes seen - marriage certificarte etc incase i want to file for divor e.
Ive prayed he doesnt. Darent try to move it as it might alert him to want to look. Got a lot to do..

I know to be this scared of him kicking off isnt right.
I was ready to ring the police if he got scary last night.
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post #58 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-30-2013, 02:07 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, look at it this way... If you were a prisoner planning your escape, would you feel bad about trying to deceive your captor? Of course not. What is the alternative right now? Tell him and have him, perhaps, seriously injure you? Please don't feel bad about trying to get yourself to a place of safety!

Take care and good luck!

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #59 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-30-2013, 02:42 PM Thread Starter
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That should tell you something right there Navy, you cannot be honest with your partner. You are on a self-help support board and you feel "wrong" for trying to help yourself. You are in a situation where you are afraid to tell the truth, afraid to say no, you are being controlled and it is about to end by your very brave choice.

Thanku all. A v difficult day,was so nervous ,fell apart once we were on our way.
He was angry.texted where are u? Told him then who with. He replied he wont ever forget this!
Wept when iwent for a rest. I was last at mum&dads 6wks ago with him, family photos on walls bring tears.

Realisation of coping physically without him makes it worse. Mum helping me.
Thanyou. Please keep me in your prayers,am so very sad. Xx
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post #60 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-30-2013, 02:52 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, a big well done! You've been so very brave and taking the first step towards a much better life...

It's vital that you keep on talking to Women's Aid and your counselor, because your H is going to manipulate like bad to get you back.

Once you're settled you can speak to Social Services about getting physical help, but right now I think you deserve to rest for a while.

You've shown enormous strength, Navy, and should be very proud of what you've achieved :-)

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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