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post #61 of 1103 (permalink) Old 11-30-2013, 09:45 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

You are so brave, navy, to do this. Please know that it is the best way for everyone.

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post #62 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-02-2013, 11:55 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I hope you managed to rest over the weekend, Navy, and that you're feeling OK? The first few days to a week tend to be the worst. After that, things start to get better as we see things more clearly.

You're one strong lady. Hang on in there.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #63 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-03-2013, 11:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

hi, not feeling brave,it's taken so much to get to this point, leaving was so hard in many ways but physically it was v difficult - impossible without help from my sis & brother-in -law.

at the moment mum's helping me in the shower - I wept the 1st time, it's along time since I've been naked in front of mum. she just held me. 2nd day was easier emotionally. finding it tricky practically, we will need help at some point with equipment etc but I can't cope with it right now.

the panic attacks are less. got a terrible upset tum - stress.

can't remember if I posted sorry if repeating - I was so shocked my sis said her hubby is on a programme for abusing! have had a couple of phone chats with her, her situation is different to mine but she understands how it feels - that's helped. he was livid I said I needed some money out of the joint acc. to give mum& dad keep - they are both on a pension! but it's my too!
he can't pay the mortgage & secured loan without my - it will fall like a pack of cards v quickly.

I've felt angry today, wanted to cry but couldn't - 1 of our grown up kids got in touch. it's husbands birthday next wk - he said"it's his birthday & he's on his own". I know it's his birthday!
should I have stayed for it? Christmas next...new year, he's on his own... if i'd stayed I know he'd have hit me again. he had such rage in him it scared me. if he came near me being " nice" I had a panic attack.

he is very good at charm & little boy lost, seen it all before. had a handful of nasty/cool texts. no calls & I have no desire to ring him,none.

i'm looking at his photo here, I cry but even if he did sign up for a programme i'm not sure I would want or be able to go back.
being here isn't ideal but i'm not scared to death that i'm living with him & knowing in my gut that at some point he will hit me again. I think if he let rip he could batter me.

it's quite quiet right now, if he realises I don't want to go back & then I switch to a sole bank acc. he will go mad. thank God i'm a long way away.
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post #64 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-03-2013, 11:30 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I think you should tell your child who tried to guilt you "Shame on you for telling me that I should just stay there and get beaten, just to keep your father from being alone on his birthday."

If he goes 'mad,' you call the police. He has NO RIGHT to punish you or any other human being just because he is 'mad.' If he were 'mad' at any other person on earth, he'd already be in jail.

Navy, I am SO proud of you for doing this. And please let your family and friends be there for you. It's a gift to them, to allow them to help. Ok?
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post #65 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-03-2013, 05:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

i'm not doing so good, don't really know why, think it upset me that the kids are feeling sorry for him.

it took so much for me to realise I had to get out, I knew he'd hit me if I stayed, I was so scared daily.

sat here with mum& dad watching what they want realising it's their home not mine, but mine felt so un safe - the threat of violence & the threat of constant worry he'd get debt's & it'd be reposed. the walking on egg shells, keeping quiet to try to avoid a blow up.I could never relax.

I find myself thinking of him. why? what's wrong with me? I really am scared of him. i'm not missing him. i'm hurt he can't see or doesn't care what he's done.

I rang Womens Aid the lady is going to arrange contact with the local WA she said I need outreach support& that how I am is normal, like I've had a death. I just couldn't stop crying.
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post #66 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-04-2013, 07:33 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

You'll get through it. And PLEASE stop feeling bad about how your kids feel - you and your H trained them to admire the abuser and ignore the victim. They should be grateful you took it all on yourself instead of letting THEM be at the end of his fist, too.

Let that aid person help you see that you DO have value. After all the things you've suffered, it's normal for you to not understand that - yet. You will, once your mind is able to understand that he won't get near you anymore.
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post #67 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-04-2013, 10:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

i'm at a v low point.

Dad has told me my dog has bitten him 3 times. my brother visits with his little baby so it isn't safe.

the animal shelter won't take her because she's aggressive so she will be put to sleep. it is the right choice but I've been a total wreck. they way i'm going I will kill myself.

I feel so trapped, stuck with what others want, hubby has got me over a barrel - Dad said "i'm sure he know's it too". Dad said they'll go on hols for a mth when his op's all done& recovered, so i'm going to need carers at least part of the time. He's concerned as they're aging they won't cope with me.

I can't go back to hubby without him being in a programme.
if I did i'd be going back to be hit, the power he'd have, i'd rather be dead. i'm not messing. i'm so tired. i'm so sorry to write such a negative post.

1 of the kids has said i'm killing the dog. I can't take the chance that my baby nephew might be scared for life.

if I hadn't given in to my husbands bullying to sign for the secured loan of 50k I might have been able to buy a cheap flat.
if there's any equity it wont be enough to buy anything but it'll take me over the limit for benefits & savings - they'll stop my .

I don't want to end up with no option but to return to a husband who won't get in a abusers prog. I will be going back giving him a green light.

please, please, help with words to give my some strength. I am so low & distraught.
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post #68 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-04-2013, 10:20 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, the FIRST thing you need to do - today - is find a lawyer near you and go for a consultation. He will tell you what your rights are as far as the money, once you are divorced. You simply can't make any decisions before knowing that.

The next thing you need to do is arrange for either a place for your dog to be confined while you don't have him on a leash (you DO have a leash, right?), or for a rescue organization to foster your dog until someone can adopt him.
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post #69 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-04-2013, 10:29 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

The next thing you need to do is arrange an ongoing visit with this worker's aid group so you can start having regular counseling; or else you're going to end up in a hospital somewhere when you collapse. You absolutely NEED to start hearing hope in your life; your parents have given you a temporary reprieve, but it's up to YOU to arrange for living your own life and contributing. It's hard for an abuse victim who is handicapped to be able to think positively, but you CAN get there. But you need a professional's help to do it. Do the right thing and get that set up - TODAY.

The next thing you need to do is figure out how you can earn some money. I know lots and lots of people who earn money at home. Some do writing or editing or whatever skill electronically. I know one woman who makes a living just going to garage sales, buys things, and then sells them on eBay! You could be buying things, having them shipped to you, refurbishing them, and then reselling them for a small profit. What else are you going to do with your time? I know others who make crafts and sell them online. I just bought some stuff online for my daughter from a lady who makes hairbows and jewelry based on the show Supernatural. Who knew?

You have time on your side. Use it to think proactively on what you can do to start moving UP in the world. You're a smart woman; use your time wisely; make every day count in your rise up this ladder you've slid down.

And, personally, if I were you, I would stop taking phone calls FROM YOUR KIDS. At this point, they are absolutely EVIL and HARMFUL to you. It will take a long time for them to wake up to the abuse their father is responsible for; they WILL learn it, as they watch you blossom and heal, and see what he has done. But for now, HIS WAY is all they know. So avoid them. There's another woman here who is MUCH worse off than you, with her own medical issues and depression from the abuse, whose own sons hit her now because they learned it from their dad. And she can't even see that she has a right to tell them to stop.

So start taking these steps. No one can do it but you, ok?

Let me know later today how much you've started.
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post #70 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-06-2013, 02:12 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, how are you today?

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post #71 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-06-2013, 02:29 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Navy, how are you today?
I'm hoping you haven't gone back to your H, Navy.

You really do need a social worker on your case to help get you to a lawyer and help you find accommodation. They will also assess your care needs and sort something out there for you, too.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #72 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-08-2013, 06:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

hi. I've had a better day. dad came out with me on my scooter. i'm finding where they live easier than home to get out, its all flat & there's so much around. I looked at a church with Dad on Friday, v good flat entrance etc for my scooter - went to my 1st church service without hubby today. it helped. people were welcoming.

my poor little dog, she was put to sleep. I have been a total wreck to make such a heart breaking choice, totally bereft. please don't write much in response - it'll send me back down. I loved her. my youngest (in his mid 20's) kept sending me horrible texts "you killed out dog". she was my dog, I made a terrible choice in concern she might bite a child, that doesn't mean I didn't love her, she'd licked so many of my tears.

so, hubby & 2 sons are all giving me the cold shoulder. hubby has managed to manipulate them into feeling sorry for him because it's his birthday next week " and dad'll be all on his own".

hubby rang me up about leaving him,he said, "you've had bad advice &made poor choices & why don't you just come home? I've promised it won't happen again, why won't you just believe me?".

I asked him if he'd rang the abusers prog. he came out with a load of excuses - no he hasn't
he said," i'm just trying to work out what I can do to get you home for xmas". I told him I won't go back if he's not on a abusers prog. I daren't tell him that I am really not sure I could go back even if he does sign up. thinking about it gives me panic attacks! he now says he'll make the call this wk

I left saying I was giving him 1 mth to look& sign up for a abusers prog.
but now i'm out i'm not sure I could even try. I was so scared of him. I knew if I stayed he'd hit or batter me, it was a gut feeling& his behaviour.

friends I made at CODA have been in touch, they've helped me so much with encouragement. they keep saying i'm brave - not feeling it.

my heads all over the place. no word off him today - glad of the peace! I know there are things I need to do, I can't hold things in my head,forgetful! everything is a effort. CODA friend says "baby steps & 1 day at a time." i'm 1 wk 1 day out.... I NEVER would have believed i'd have left him, my disability made it all so much more difficult & scary but here I am.

thankyou for all the support, I felt so trapped& alone,hug x
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post #73 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-08-2013, 06:42 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I am SO happy to read this, Navy, progress all around! Wow! Just keep on moving ahead (in your scooter, tee hee!) - every day will be better than the last.
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post #74 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-09-2013, 06:31 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Well done!

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #75 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-11-2013, 05:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

hi, spoke to hubby yesterday. he rang the Respect prog early when they opened at 9 but left it all day til late afternoon to tell me -felt like he was playing games, don't get why.

he said he's signed up even though he doesn't want to go & he's only done that because i'm pressurising him. no mention of being sorry. he wants me home & said I should know he won't hurt me. I asked him who else he's intimidating/squaring up to - there was just silence. he said the prog. people have told him it is DV but he doesn't agree but he's being forced to go. he hasn't told them he's hit me in the past or about the control & huge debts - all part of the cycle.

I said he has a choice. so do I & choose to not put up with it any more. then he accused me of taking things but wouldn't say what. it set me panicing, what have I done? is it the marriage certificate? what? the ans is nothing but my reaction & panic at what i'd "done wrong" highlights how he gets at me in other ways. I told him i'm scared of him & he says he's stunned but will go onto say "I know I scare you I can see it". it gets confusing.

I told him the way things are cant go on, I've not got all my equipment/car & I need to live on, told him my parents can't afford to keep me - he's angry I want to give my retired parents keep!I mentioned the secured loan etc, he said he'd realised that he can't afford to keep the house/secured loan going without me.

i'm really not sure he's signed up to this course because he wants to change, it seems more about . he knows- he said it - that he cant stay there without me.

he just doesn't sound sorry, the only thing I hear is anger or poor me, "my leg's sore, it's difficult cooking for 1,you've made poor choices on bad advice, come home", no sorry, no I love you.
he said, "it must have taken some planning." he's angry but v controlled not shouting.

the man I spoke to at the Respect prog. said I should be ready for him to get very angry once he realises im not just going to return. i'm a long way away so I hope he won't turn up here.
Respect said the things he's doing from a distance are all part of the abuse cycle.

Respect have told me that if I wanted to return I shouldn't rush it's not safe. it doesn't feel safe. he is going to be livid if he's signed up to this 6 mth course & I wont return. but I really don't know if I could, he's so angry I left, I think that would come "out" with him at some point.

Womens aid - rang them & something will be set up soon for support. wish i'd brought more out, I've just got a holdall of stuff. i'm worried he'll trash my clothes,treasures like my clock & old family photos.

i'd have to face his wrath if I went back to stay. I think i'd be having panic attacks just on the drive back!
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