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post #76 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-11-2013, 06:05 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, I don't know anything about this programme that you're talking about, but I do know that any form of abuse counseling usually requires that the couple are living apart for the duration of it. Also, abuse counseling (which has a very low success rate to start off with) is NOT going to work with a man who isn't fully committed to changing and, frankly, I doubt that any 6 month programme is going to heal an abuser...

Please don't go back to your H, Navy. Even now he's playing with you from afar, and should you return to him the abuse will be a lot worse than before - it always is.

Hang on in there and remain strong. You can do this!


Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 12-11-2013 at 06:14 AM.
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post #77 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-11-2013, 07:11 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

You're sounding better.

DO NOT GO BACK HOME. No matter what. You should know you can't go back for AT LEAST another year. IF he is sincere in changing (doubt it), it will take at least that long for him to realize and accept what he's done, and then start changing his thinking pattern and replace anger with thought.

He's just doing what he's always done - manipulate you, guilt you, dominate you. Just ignore him for now.
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post #78 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-11-2013, 11:10 AM Thread Starter
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Smile Re: Domestic Abuse.

hi, I've been keeping a diary for a while. reading it back, reminding myself of what goes on, how scared & confused I have been has helped. I spoke to a man at the Respect pro hubby signed up to, he told me to expect him to get very angry once he realises I won't just go back especially now he's signed up & be prepared to involve the police. Respect said all I described is the classic abuse cycle.


Dad is pretty wise, he told mum last night he thought id get pressure over the next wk to go home for xmas.

it's shocking that my grown sons know what's been going on -and believe me- yet feel sorry for him!!!!!!! I expected this but i'm still shocked! told my oldest to watch out for little boy lost & that i'm not prepared to be bullied/threatened any more& I said his Dad had plenty of chances to go for help before it got this far.

i'm not prepared to have this go on a whole year! it's like being in limbo.

my sister's hubby is on a prog for abusing her! (different to my situation but still abuse) I was so shocked, but he reacted v quickly saying he was sorry & didn't want to lose her. she lives with him, she said it's been v hard. she said you've probably already been waiting yrs for him to change, broken promises. it's so true. having her to talk to has been a big help, she understands the cycles of the abuse. she started asupport group by the people running her hubbys course, she found going hard. it was nice to be able to encourage her because i'd done the Freedom Programme at home.

I've got all the financial abuse/debts too. (I rang the bank. he could try to take loans out via joint account - i'd be liable the bank say,so they've added a note to the acc. no loans/overdraft to be added).
got a form coming out to get his/my name removed from the account but concerned I then couldn't check things are paid.

dad's got letters drafted on his pc for me to switch to a sole acc if/when i'm ready in my head about that.

so some things i'm not "ready" for mentally yet but i'm practically a bit better. i'm not wanting to go back for xmas. doesn't feel safe but the pressure to return has started.

youngest has apparently been kicking off because I said any more abuse & i'd go right to divorce. I can't cope with him AND husband together, they'd be ganging up on me, i'd be bullied by the 2 of them, I must seem very weak & pathetic.

cried a bit again today. what a waste. my CODA friends rang& told me i'd blessed them. I found CODA because I came across the word enabling this time last yr. I didn't know that lending £ off my family, getting into debt re payment plans was all a cycle, part of "rescuing". I was horrified. this last 12 mths has been a huge learning curve for me.
step 1 coda , I am power -less over others & our lives have become un- manageable.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
& wisdom to know the difference
grant me too
patience with the changes that take time
appreciation of all that I have
tolerance of those with different struggles
& the strength to get up & try again
one day at a time.

my coda friend has posted me a CODA book to help me! the kindnesses blow me away,i cried - just for a change lol! at least they were happy tears touched by kindness instead of fear.

thankyou all so much, i'm in progress as my dear CODA friend says xx
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post #79 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-11-2013, 11:21 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, can you get along to Citizen's Advice? You could really do with getting all your finances sorted out on a legal footing. You don't need to be worrying about what he might or might not do right now. Your main focus has to be getting stronger and stronger.

You're doing very well!

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #80 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-11-2013, 12:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

yes, i'm going to see the C.A.B tomorrow, they do a drop in clinic here. bit worried about trying to get my clothes & shoes etc. my friend said if he realises you're not going back he'll try to hurt you via destroying your stuff. x
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post #81 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-11-2013, 01:04 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Here, you can ask the police to accompany you while you (or a friend) go in and get your stuff; the police will keep him from doing anything to you or your friend. Ask about that.
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post #82 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-11-2013, 01:09 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

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Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
yes, i'm going to see the C.A.B tomorrow, they do a drop in clinic here. bit worried about trying to get my clothes & shoes etc. my friend said if he realises you're not going back he'll try to hurt you via destroying your stuff. x
You can always get someone to go there for you, accompanied by a police officer. I had to have a police escort when I went back to fetch my belongings, and he was forbidden from even speaking to me... A few hours later, however, my ex ended up behind bars for the night for threatening to destroy some important documents I'd somehow managed to leave behind.

You don't have to do any of this alone, Navy.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #83 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-11-2013, 01:11 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

True. And if you have to ask for help from people you're not used to asking for things from, well, you can spend the next few years making it up to them, to show them how grateful you are that they helped in your time of need.
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post #84 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-11-2013, 01:20 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, have you registered with a doctor in your new area yet? If so, don't be shy about asking for a social worker to assist you with all of this. I was fortunate to be in a refuge (women's centre) when all my drama had reached a head, and was surrounded by professionals who pointed me in the right direction. I was (and still am) a very independent person, and it really went against the grain asking for help, but without that help I wouldn't have the normal, happy, healthy life I have now :-)

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #85 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-14-2013, 12:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I've not been doing so well. he got in touch about £, asking how I am. but he ended up pushing ?'s about a food shopping card - we'd saved up on 2 cards I've got 1 & left 1 at home for him for over xmas. he's on about me giving my parents keep & having a food card - round & round, I told him I need to eat too!

now he's wanting to plan nxt mths budget re mortgage, secured loan etc. he had asked me to go home, texts were very cold, no sorry's just that "you shouldn't be talking to women's aid". sometimes he seems nice, then he switches, I feel SO confused.
no I haven't had the courage to sort my car or £ yet.

please hear me - I am scared. he will be livid. I expect a big kick off. I'm aa long way away but he knows where I am. I'm scared of his anger.

he starts sucking me in then "I see" it's all about £.
he sent me a copy of the letter he had off the abusers programme &said he could push it away & never look at it again. he's still saying I'm "forcing" him to go. I said no, it's his choice if he goes but that I was saying what I needed if he wanted the marriage to carry on. he said, " you see. there's the problem - You are telling ME what to do."

I want my clothes & shoes, I know if I alter my £ or the car he will go crazy & it's unlikely I'd get my things in 1 piece.

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post #86 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-14-2013, 02:08 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
I've not been doing so well. he got in touch about £, asking how I am. but he ended up pushing ?'s about a food shopping card - we'd saved up on 2 cards I've got 1 & left 1 at home for him for over xmas. he's on about me giving my parents keep & having a food card - round & round, I told him I need to eat too!

now he's wanting to plan nxt mths budget re mortgage, secured loan etc. he had asked me to go home, texts were very cold, no sorry's just that "you shouldn't be talking to women's aid". sometimes he seems nice, then he switches, I feel SO confused.
no I haven't had the courage to sort my car or £ yet.

please hear me - I am scared. he will be livid. I expect a big kick off. I'm aa long way away but he knows where I am. I'm scared of his anger.

he starts sucking me in then "I see" it's all about £.
he sent me a copy of the letter he had off the abusers programme &said he could push it away & never look at it again. he's still saying I'm "forcing" him to go. I said no, it's his choice if he goes but that I was saying what I needed if he wanted the marriage to carry on. he said, " you see. there's the problem - You are telling ME what to do."

I want my clothes & shoes, I know if I alter my £ or the car he will go crazy & it's unlikely I'd get my things in 1 piece.

OK, Navy, I'm going to give it to you straight, hon. You've got to stop talking to him. Strictly no contact.

You need to see a solicitor (you should be entitled to Legal Aid), get a Restraining Order in place and get your solicitor to sort out the business with your finances and your car.

Talking to him about Women's Aid and any other support systems you have in place is just giving him the power to manipulate you and weaken your resolve.

You've been so very brave, and you can do this. But you really do have to recognize that your H is an abuser and will probably always be one.

Sweetie, you have to take the necessary steps to shut down your H and his abuse, and the only way is by doing it legally.

(((Navy)))

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 12-14-2013 at 08:35 PM.
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post #87 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-16-2013, 07:13 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

He has lost the right to know what you're doing.
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post #88 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-16-2013, 07:57 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MissFroggie View Post
I totally agree and I want to reinforce - DO NOT TELL HIM WHAT SUPPORT YOU HAVE!!!! He is likely to either undermine it or try to jeopordise it in some way. xx
The more you tell him, the more power he has to manipulate you. Take away that power, Navy!

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #89 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-16-2013, 11:56 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Hi, Domestic violence directed against women by their intimate partners (current or former spouses or boyfriends) is an epidemic of global proportions that has devastating physical, emotional, financial and social effects on women, children, the family and the community. The Stop Violence Against Women website (STOPVAW), a project of The Advocates for Human Rights, is a forum for information, advocacy and change in the promotion of women's human rights around the world. In a sentence we can remember always, Spread the love, spread awareness is the right key for this.

Have a good day
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post #90 of 1073 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 11:22 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

OP, I can understand where you're coming from, having been on the receiving end of DV. I also can understand why it's very difficult to walk away from the person that you love. I haven't. All I can say is please, please understand that this is about him, not you. It's about control and his own insecurities. Can he change, honestly, very very few of them do. I can't tell you what to do but please, never, ever blame this on yourself. Sure, sometime you may do something wrong or cause an argument, upset him, whatever but he is the one who is choosing not to deal with it constructively and either leave or work with you to resolve any issues. Never allow this man to devalue you and destroy your self esteem. As difficult as it is, that part you have complete control over.
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