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post #91 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 11:27 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, are you ok?

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post #92 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 11:38 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, I haven't read the whole thread but please, please do whatever it takes to keep you safe. Worry about the practicalities later. I've been in a DV situation the escalated WAY out of control. Thanksfully nobody was seriously hurt but one misplaced punch or kick and it absolutely would have been a completely different story.

Please reply and let everyone know you are safe.
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post #93 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 09:05 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, how are you? Did you go back? Are you safe?
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post #94 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 11:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I have gone back to him, only been here a couple of days, not sure if I've done the right thing. feel ashamed, so sorry.

all those times I said " if my husband ever hit me I'd leave him!" and look at me. I went back! I'm so confused.

we've both had letters - he signed up to Respect a prog. for abusers but still says "you forced me". last night he said he couldn't see how he could pay the mortgage & secured loan without me - my heart sank.

both of our kids are home so probably safest now.
spoke to a solicitor before I came back, he is on his very, very last chance. mum& dad have said the door is open if I want it.
my disability has made it all so much harder.
no excuses. I'm sorry. not sure I've done the right thing. time will tell.
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post #95 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 11:58 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, please don't feel ashamed at having returned to your H. It takes many women several attempts before finally leaving for good...

The first time he kicks off again, I do hope you manage to leave him for good.

Remember... No one is here to judge you. Many of us have been in similar positions to your own, and we understand that leaving isn't always that easy.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 12-25-2013 at 12:37 PM.
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post #96 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 07:08 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2galsmom View Post

I know I am American and perhaps hold an unpopular global stance but it is true, there is NO negotiating with terrorists, and what you are experiencing is domestic terrorism. No negotiating, no deals next time, take care of Navy and end your own war on terror in the home.
This exactly what it feels like and, in essence, exactly what is!

I had to become very sneaky with my ex-lunatic, because anything could set him off and result in me having to spend the night in my car on some dark country road.

In the end, I even kept a spare cellphone down the front of my bra, because the first thing he'd do before descending into 'the red mist' was lock the house phone in a cupboard along with our cellphones and laptop. He 'only' whacked me twice, but the 'terrorist' activities and verbal abuse could last for hours and hours.

We can never afford to negotiate with people like this, and we need to out-manoeuvre them by playing our cards close to our chests, telling them absolutely nothing and making meticulous plans to make a safe escape.

Dealing with an abuser is not like dealing with a normal, rational human being - because they're not.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 12-25-2013 at 07:12 PM.
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post #97 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 08:06 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

You'll leave him eventually b
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post #98 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 05:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I found it hard to post I'd gone back. thankyou for you messages. I will think about the things said.

if he realises I mean it - any more & i'll leave how likely is it he'll keep himself in control & not do it again?
he looks at me, narrowed eyes, I think he senses I do mean it.

I think getting out a 2nd time might be harder now he's watchful.
(disability means I need physical help to pack/move out).

he does work, does overtime but because of all the debt cycles we've never got much, things are always tight. he's doing overtime again today, I get sick of spending holiday times stuck at home alone.

I've told him I'm applying for a grant with my next Motability car for a lift to be fitted to get my scooter in/out . Dad's heart is bad
so he couldn't lift it when I was there. it made me realise another way husband keeps me dependant on him & it means I'm very limited without the scooter.

I'd opened a sole bank account away from our joint account, a letter came while I was away, he'd opened it he wasn't pleased.
still can't believe I've been living with this for so long.
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post #99 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 06:09 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

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if he realises I mean it - any more & i'll leave how likely is it he'll keep himself in control & not do it again?
he looks at me, narrowed eyes, I think he senses I do mean it.
The thing is, Navy, this isn't about you or what your intentions are or how much you "mean it." It about him being an abuser. Abusers are very rarely able to change, and those who do have to want to change so badly that they freely submit to intensive therapy, and a requirement for this is that the couple live apart during the therapy. Even then, the chances of success are slim... In your H's case, he doesn't appear to even realize that he has a problem.

If you were to live alone in the UK, social services would bend over backwards to enable you to live independently. They would modify your home, where necessary, to suit your needs, and would provide you with practical help in the form of a carer. There are so many resources out there, Navy, and I think your first port of call should be getting your GP to enlist the services of a social worker to help with the transition. Your doctor needs to know that you are being abused, no matter how embarrassing this might feel...

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 12-26-2013 at 08:22 PM.
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post #100 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 08:21 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

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Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
I'd opened a sole bank account away from our joint account
Good!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
, a letter came while I was away, he'd opened it he wasn't pleased.
Too bad, so sad. For him. It's called a consequence.

Spend this time lining up real help that won't require your parents to do anything, ok?

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post #101 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 10:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

my sis rang, they have some time off work, a small window of time I could have help to leave. going to my parents means no big panic of where to go right away.

im hesitating, not sure why, a bit scared he's watchful now so it will be harder.

so sad, he said yesterday that he still feels he's being "forced" to do the abusers prog. if he still doesn't want to go, it isn't giving me much confidence in him really wanting to change.

I'm scared of making the leap to leave him, I know they'll be no going back, at least with him I have a roof over my head & food on the table. my sis said my parents are worried about how he is with too. the debts he gets into have got worse the last lot was over 50k plus the 50k secured loan . it's the constant fear of has he started debts again? I never know until its bad.(always hear via 3rd party ie debt collectors).

I think I know I ought to get out, I'm scared of letting go, I still love him but it's changed.
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post #102 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 10:18 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, once you get to a lawyer, you won't have to worry about him and his money issues. YOUR money will now be yours, and he will be free to figure out how to pay his own bills. Your lawyer can set it up so you can pay your part and keep the rest of your own income. Please don't stay there. He will only become meaner and more abusive. If you were physically able to defend yourself, it would be one thing. But you're not. So your FIRST priority is to ensure that you stay alive. Money issues can be settled later.

You can do this!
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post #103 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 10:23 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
so sad, he said yesterday that he still feels he's being "forced" to do the abusers prog. if he still doesn't want to go, it isn't giving me much confidence in him really wanting to change.

He has no intentions of changing because he doesn't even acknowledge that there's anything wrong with him. IMO, the abuser's program would be a complete waste of time for him.

Only you will know when you're ready to leave for good, Navy, and only you can get the help that you need in order to live independently of your parents.
  • GP
  • Social Services
  • Suitable accommodation

Focus on these things, rather than what makes your H tick.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #104 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 01:26 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I am sorry to hear this going on, and some what disturbed about it. No one should live this way . It is not healthy for anyone. Although I do applaud you on your love and commitment to him ,and share a son together . There are a lot of issues to deal with , not only with his behavior but there are some mental and control issues that are causing this behavior. Sounds like a mess . Even though he has not hit you lately , it does not mean he won't do it again, and this is what is eating at you and keeping you afraid . I have experienced verbal abuse , from an alcoholic husband is now resting in peace . I know when you are torn in two, his good side and bad side. The love is still there but there are trust issues . If he really wants to change , he will go to councilling with you and he really needs it. From the sounds of things deep down he is the man you fell in love with , but your health and safety should come first. Verbal abuse is one thing phyical abuse puts you in a terrible unsafe position. Try in a calm loving way to communicate how your feeling without making him feel like he is under attack ,and he should be way more responsive or hear what your saying . Let him know your relationship means so much to you that you are willing to go get outside help , not only for his issues , but for well being and as a couple . If he is not receptive to the idea at that time of discussion let him ponder about it , sometimes people need things to sink in a bit. You need this for the health and well being of both of you . I hope this helps you .
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post #105 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 01:37 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2galsmom View Post
If he has a history of abuse, which he does, then turnera is right, the lawyer will be able to file and halt further financial abuse. This may entail freezing accounts, so you should have some cash available at your disposal.


This is vital, Navy. You can't afford to have him get you into any more financial trouble. You don't deserve it, hon.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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