Thank you for your kindness and support. Sharing here was one of the few places of support I had when I first started waking up to the fact that I was being abused.
For me personally I now recognise (or maybe admit to myself) that I experienced abuse in childhood too. I'm told by professionals " No wonder you were targeted by ****". Very sad.
My parents, in particular my father doesn't like the fact that I am (in a wobbly,shaky,scared voice) saying "No" "I don't want to" "I'm not doing that".
I worried I seem to be upsetting them. But I realised just like my ex husband some people don't like you to get stronger, they want you to be maluble, so they can control you.
On holiday with family last yr my father told my mother off, the hotel had tables set up at the entrance to the restaurant selling various things. Mum was looking on her way into the restaurant. I started looking.
My father came up to me, bellowed "Hey, what have I told you? No looking until after dinner tonight! You know the rules", at which I realised later I dissociated ( his bark made me jump) it felt as though I was far away with the dissociation, I wiggled my bare wedding ring finger out towards him and heard my voice saying," I lookie lookie when I likie likie. No man's telling ME what to do".
I got a nasty response,nasty pulling faces but he didn't do it again.
Some people seem to delight in my slowly emerging progress and my fragile growing confidence. Others seem to hate it. It's all about power and control.
That failed suicide attempt was such a terrible time. The hospital called my parents in without my consent. I wept in such a distraught state, I asked them to bring toiletries in for me, a hairbrush,toothbrush, soap etc & I said I'd reimburse them once I got home. They went and never came back.
Once home I wasn't safe to be home alone, I was persuaded to go into a mental health unit. I was so scared. But even now I know it's what I needed.
It was then I was diagnosed With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I finally had some understanding of why I was in such a state, nightmares,flashbacks etc. I didn't tell anyone I was back in hospital except for my friend and my oldest son.
I came home to a string of irate answered machine messages from my father each one more nasty than the previous one. He was accusing me of being un grateful and "isolating yourself from the family after everything we've done to help you. You're so ungrateful!"
I think it's very sad that I didn't even consider reaching out to them. I'd be looking for something that isn't there. I know I am not a ungrateful person. I have a deep sense of gratitude. But I am trying not let people like my parents use these things to shame and control me.
I've said thank you many times, I've paid money for their help,given thank you gifts.
That's enough now.
My dad describes me as "the battered wives group", I describe myself as a escapee -
" I lookie lookie when I likie like".
Jog on dad
his face was a picture ! Lol