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post #106 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 01:41 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by denisefire View Post
I am sorry to hear this going on, and some what disturbed about it. No one should live this way . It is not healthy for anyone. Although I do applaud you on your love and commitment to him ,and share a son together . There are a lot of issues to deal with , not only with his behavior but there are some mental and control issues that are causing this behavior. Sounds like a mess . Even though he has not hit you lately , it does not mean he won't do it again, and this is what is eating at you and keeping you afraid . I have experienced verbal abuse , from an alcoholic husband is now resting in peace . I know when you are torn in two, his good side and bad side. The love is still there but there are trust issues . If he really wants to change , he will go to councilling with you and he really needs it. From the sounds of things deep down he is the man you fell in love with , but your health and safety should come first. Verbal abuse is one thing phyical abuse puts you in a terrible unsafe position. Try in a calm loving way to communicate how your feeling without making him feel like he is under attack ,and he should be way more responsive or hear what your saying . Let him know your relationship means so much to you that you are willing to go get outside help , not only for his issues , but for well being and as a couple . If he is not receptive to the idea at that time of discussion let him ponder about it , sometimes people need things to sink in a bit. You need this for the health and well being of both of you . I hope this helps you .
Couple counseling doesn't work in abusive relationships. If anything, it gives the abuser more tools with which to abuse his/her victim.

Abusers aren't interested in how their victim feels, and trying to reason with an abuser can actually make matters worse.


Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #107 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 01:55 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Have to agree with cosmos . Your husband is an abuser . Hes been an abuser for a long time and likes being an abuser. Its not likely he will change, and you wont do so by being nice or reasonable.

I hate to be negative but you need to get strict and ditch him. Get a tough lawyer and go the whole nine yards.
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post #108 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 04:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I am feeling so messed up, he kissed me so passionately just now, told me he'll be up to bed soon. total turn around. I've told him he's hurting me, cold & distant & now this.

I'd spoken to Womens aid tonight, told them I felt ashamed to say I was back but feeling it was a mistake.
now he's giving me the come on. The Freedom Prog I did via Women's Aid works on the different aspects of a abuser - ie The Dominator, the sexual controller, forces sex, demands or he can with hold sex & intimacy. I've had the demanding, he'd switched to with holding, I get to feeling I should leave & he's wanting me. I've cried.
I don't know where I am with him. sorry I know the confusion is all part of it.

he's been staring into space biting his lip clutching his hands together so tight his fingers are red & knuckles are white.
sorry.
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post #109 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 05:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

and no I tried couples counselling with him a few years ago, came away thinking we were doing well but he was secretly racking up debt.

womens aid & The Respect prog for abusers don not recommend couples counselling for DV. I'm too scared to even try it.
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post #110 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 05:17 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

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Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
I am feeling so messed up, he kissed me so passionately just now, told me he'll be up to bed soon. total turn around. I've told him he's hurting me, cold & distant & now this.

I'd spoken to Womens aid tonight, told them I felt ashamed to say I was back but feeling it was a mistake.
now he's giving me the come on. The Freedom Prog I did via Women's Aid works on the different aspects of a abuser - ie The Dominator, the sexual controller, forces sex, demands or he can with hold sex & intimacy. I've had the demanding, he'd switched to with holding, I get to feeling I should leave & he's wanting me. I've cried.
I don't know where I am with him. sorry I know the confusion is all part of it.

he's been staring into space biting his lip clutching his hands together so tight his fingers are red & knuckles are white.
sorry.
A typical characteristic of an abuser is keeping their victim walking on eggshells, keeping them off balance and creating chaos. Sounds like your H is doing the first two right now... It's designed to confuse, make you feel vulnerable and prevent you from thinking coherently, and is a form of mind control.

You have no reason to feel ashamed, Navy, and the last thing you need to do right now is beat yourself up. That will only weaken your resolve to leave him - which is exactly what he's banking on.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #111 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 08:40 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

The trouble here Navy3 is that you do (have) loved him and think that he loves you back. Some of the time he might even come close to doing so, but how ever you look at it he is an abuser, and he has a vested interest in making you think he cares about you just to keep you around to be his victim - it's easier than going and finding another one.

To get rid of the creep you are going to have to get just s little bit mad about what he has done to you, and be a little bit mean.

Be strong - you can do it.
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post #112 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-29-2013, 08:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

hi. I'm a mess, so confused, tearful.

finding it all so hard. my heart ( condition I was born with) is playing up, not sleeping. feel wrecked. I wish I had more strength & courage, I'm so scared of being without him but scared this is as good as it gets with him.

dad is saying the door is still open with them but longer term i'll need outside help because of their age& health problems.

I rang womens aid, the lady I spoke to said hubby might change once he starts the abusers prog. - totally threw me, I'm still not convinced he wants to change - he'll just end up charming the people who run the programme.
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post #113 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-29-2013, 09:36 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, for health reasons alone you can't afford to be with this man. I'm sorry you're hurting so badly right now...

I know I sound like a stuck record, but:-

GP
Solicitor (Legal Aid)
Social Services
Suitable (long term) accommodation

is the way to go in the new year.

I don't want to disagree with the person at Women's Aid, but I do know from what I was told when I was in abuse counseling (after my stint in a refuge and then a safe house), unless an abuser is desperate to change, no amount of therapy (or in this case, an abuse program) will be effective. Even if your H goes through the motions, it' will just lull you into a false sense of security with him before the nonsense starts again...

Hang on in there, then come the new year - quietly make your plans to leave.

You're not lacking courage or strength, Navy. You're stuck in the cycle of abuse and your disability is making things worse for you.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #114 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-29-2013, 09:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

ok I hear you. thankyou..
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post #115 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-29-2013, 02:33 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

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Originally Posted by 2galsmom View Post
This is very interesting navy3 that a woman said that to you. To help ease your mind you may want to ask more questions about her, what is her story, why is she working there, how long has she worked at the woman's aid and what are her qualifications for answering the phone and providing information.

In my experience such organizations in the States attract young naive do-gooder women. Kind hearts and souls, all positive thinkers that did not have the statistics or experience with them to advise anyone on anything let alone the difficult trauma of leaving an abuser as you have described your husband to be.
I have to agree with you 2Galsmom. I find the conversation with the woman at Women's Aid a little disconcerting, because it's quite contrary to the advice given by refuge / women's centre support workers...

I remember when I returned to my abuser (after him furnishing me with a signed declaration that he was mortified by his atrocious behaviour and that he was being fast tracked for anger management / therapy), I remember the refuge telling me to be very careful as abusers rarely change and that I should return there immediately the abuse started again. They were right, of course... Within 2 weeks the 'honeymoon' phase was over and the abuse was worse than ever.


Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #116 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cosmos View Post
I have to agree with you 2Galsmom. I find the conversation with the woman at Women's Aid a little disconcerting, because it's quite contrary to the advice given by refuge / women's centre support workers...

I remember when I returned to my abuser (after him furnishing me with a signed declaration that he was mortified by his atrocious behaviour and that he was being fast tracked for anger management / therapy), I remember the refuge telling me to be very careful as abusers rarely change and that I should return there immediately the abuse started again. They were right, of course... Within 2 weeks the 'honeymoon' phase was over and the abuse was worse than ever.
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post #117 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 10:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Thankyou. Ive got a appointment at drs my friend is taking me. Ive spoken to my support worker from
The Respect Prog for the wives of abusers. The lady i spoke to said changing is very hard work &he has
to want to change,she said him saying he's being forced is a bad sign,she'll feed it back to the man
doing my husbands risk assessment but that if the assessment picked up on hubbys true feelings he
wont even be offered a place on the programme. She said she thought i ought to be thinking of my safety
plan.

RangWomens Aid,support worker has cautioned me that husband is going to be VERY angry i left&
am now back.that sensing im strongrr will anger him. Last night he said "i know you're stronger i can
feel it".! She advised i pack my safety /go bag as 1 grown up kid has left & the other is away new yrs eve.
Scared me a bit. So will get that ready now.

Rang bank because he'd opened a bank letter to my new sole bank acc while i wasaway. They put a note
on the account but have advised withhow he gets debt i close the acc & get a new number so will do.
Feeling tired. Overwhelmed & scared & sad. Thankyou xx
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post #118 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 10:38 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, the best is ahead of you, I promise. Once you're away, and can start thinking clearly, it's going to become evident that you've made the right choice and that you now have many options. Speaking of which, what kind of skills, training, or experience do you have?
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post #119 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 01:01 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, it is scary, but a future with your H is even more so because the one thing with abuse that does change is that it tends to get worse.

Go through that exit checklist outlined in an earlier post and make sure you have all those things in your emergency bag. Tell him absolutely nothing and, if anything, lull him into a false sense of security. Nothing deceitful in doing this - it's about survival.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #120 of 1103 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 02:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

this all screws my head up. he's being nice again now. why can't he just get help & sort himself out?

rang another number I'd been given for a DV police officer & they've put a marker on the house incase I have any trouble - quick response even if I can't speak on the phone. I must admit that's made me feel a bit better.

still can't get my head round being in this situation, it happens to others not me.
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