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post #121 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 03:02 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Hang in there! We're all rooting for you.

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post #122 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 03:23 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Keep your cellphone close to hand (I used to keep mine down my bra) and try to relax, Navy. It's not easy, we know, but you can and will get through this.

He's playing mind games with you right now, so just recognize them for what they are. He wants to confuse you and have you walking on eggshells around him, because that's how abusers gain control in the first place.

As Turnera said, we're all here rooting for you!

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #123 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 03:28 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Here's another checklist for things that you need to pack in your emergency bag:


Identification

birth certificates
social security cards (or numbers written on paper if you can't find the cards)
driver's license
photo identification or passports
welfare identification
green card

Important Personal Papers

marriage certificate
divorce papers
custody orders
legal protection or restraining orders
health insurance papers and medical cards
medical records for all family members
children's school records
investment papers/records and account numbers
work permits
immigration papers
rental agreement/lease or house deed
car title, registration, and insurance information

Funds

cash
credit cards
ATM card
checkbook and bankbook (with deposit slips)

Keys

house
car
safety deposit box or post office box

A Way to Communicate

phone calling card
cell phone
address book

Medications

at least 1 month's supply for all medicines you and your children are taking, as well as a copy of the prescriptions

A Way to Get By

jewelry or small objects you can sell, if you run out of money or stop having access to your accounts

Things to Help You Cope

pictures
keepsakes

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #124 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-31-2013, 08:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

hi, thanks for replies.

I've got a list - emailed it to myself but couple of things listed I hadn't thought of so thankyou for that.

hubby being quite nice still at the moment.

saw a different DR today - what a HUGE difference! the last 1 was very negative even though husband sat there admitting things like intimidation. today this Dr listened & advised me on things I'd not considered. talked about being safe. he wants to see me again early new year but said after new years day they're open & go back sooner if I need it. tablets to help heart condition with stress. got upset but felt better & a more positive support than a previous DR. also he added the abusers prog info into my notes.

I find it hard not sharing things with husband, that's what you'd expect in a marriage but the DR told me to be very careful what I share with him incase it sets him off.

been very tearful, so tired & sad. having my husband admit he knows he's scaring me, that he knows it's wrong but doesn't want to get help has really hurt my soul. I don't understand how he can know it but not want to act & get help. I could turn myself inside out trying to understand.

my friends(married couple) took me to the DR, I felt so blessed to have the physical & emotional support, cup of tea & a hug after.

bag ready if I need it. thankyou all so much.xx wishing you all well for the new year xx
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post #125 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-31-2013, 08:17 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

That's just the definition of an abuser, Navy - knowing you hurt someone but not caring. Abusers are sick, self-loathing creatures who can ONLY care about themselves. They use people because that's how they pacify their self-loathing, by being on top or better or in control. It has NOTHING to do with you; you're just - and always have been - the tool he uses to soothe himself. Grieve that, if you must, that you got suckered. But don't blame yourself for being a nice person who gave him the benefit of the doubt. At least YOU can look yourself in the mirror and not cringe.
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post #126 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-31-2013, 08:37 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy3,

Have pretty much been a lurker on your thread (don't know if I've ever posted), but am REALLY, REALLY HAPPY for you that you're taking the necessary steps to protect yourself, improve your life, find some peace, move forward in a positive way!

GOOD FOR YOU!!! AM so proud and happy that you're finding the inner resolve to do what is best for you. Making yourself a priority means you will be around longer and healthier for your children and grandchildren!

Hang in there and the VERY BEST WISHES for you in 2014! When you make it out (and you WILL), just know that there will be dozens of people here on TAM from all over the world who will SHARE in your VICTORY! We will be CELEBRATING with you that you are on your way to a safer, happier, healthier life from here on out!


YAY!!!!!


.
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post #127 of 1076 (permalink) Old 12-31-2013, 09:20 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, you're doing so well! I'm glad you got to the doctors, and also that you got to spend time with friends afterwards.

Remember, your doctor is your first port of call in helping you find independent accommodation, too. A recommendation from him/her will help things run a lot smoother for you in this regard.

Wishing you a very bright and happy New Year!

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #128 of 1076 (permalink) Old 01-02-2014, 03:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

hi, happy new year.

been feeling quite stressed, panic attacks last night just sitting with him, it kicks my heart problem off.

he's got a call with the Respect prog Monday & his assessment next week.
I came back because he'd signed up to the prog. I'd said I wouldn't come back if he wasn't on the prog but even though he's signed up(but got to get through assessment still to get a place yet) I'm not feeling like I want to stay.

he's going to be so angry . he keeps saying, I signed up what more do you want? he's drinking more often ( he used to drink every single day up to10 cans). if he realises I want out after he's agreed to go to this assessment/prog he's going to be so angry. he's so sweet & charming at times what if he hoodwinks the guy doing the assessment?

got my grown up child home for a bit longer.
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post #129 of 1076 (permalink) Old 01-02-2014, 04:50 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I'm betting the assessors have had to deal with many abusers, most of which would be incredibly skilled at hiding it. That's part of their profile after all. Hide it until they have a person trapped, like a spider with a fly. They'd know ways to ferret out the truth I'm sure.

Probably best not to be alone with him when you end up telling him you're going, or from that point onwards.
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post #130 of 1076 (permalink) Old 01-02-2014, 08:38 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
hi, happy new year.

been feeling quite stressed, panic attacks last night just sitting with him, it kicks my heart problem off.

he's got a call with the Respect prog Monday & his assessment next week.
I came back because he'd signed up to the prog. I'd said I wouldn't come back if he wasn't on the prog but even though he's signed up(but got to get through assessment still to get a place yet) I'm not feeling like I want to stay.

he's going to be so angry . he keeps saying, I signed up what more do you want? he's drinking more often ( he used to drink every single day up to10 cans). if he realises I want out after he's agreed to go to this assessment/prog he's going to be so angry. he's so sweet & charming at times what if he hoodwinks the guy doing the assessment?
Navy, you keep saying this. A LOT. What does it mean to you? What does it mean in the bigger picture? It sounds like you're pretty sure you're leaving him, but maybe you aren't sure WHEN? And you're afraid he'll 'be so angry' BEFORE you leave?

Or are you afraid he'll 'be so angry' after you're gone and he figures out you're not coming back?

If the former, I get it; I'd be scared, too. Do you always have money in your pocket so you can call a cab, or a phone in your pocket so you can call the police?

If the latter, I'm going to ask you to look at this. If he'll 'be so angry,' once you are away...well, so what? Isn't it no longer your problem? What do you envision happening? Will he track you down and hurt you? Will he harass your parents? Whatever it is, what are your plans for dealing with it? These are the things you have to have thought out, so you act from a position of strength, not panic. Let's talk it out, ok?

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post #131 of 1076 (permalink) Old 01-02-2014, 08:39 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

btw, if he is drinking MORE than 10 cans a day, you may want to be seeking resources for help with this, too.
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post #132 of 1076 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 09:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

hi, feeling very stressed, panic attacks are pretty bad. I don't really want to resort to medication to treat them but I might have to, my heart isn't good either. horrible upset tummy, all stress.

our oldest child leaves soon to return to work. dread being here alone with hubby.

I start The Freedom prog again this week. I know I need to get out. I've been clearing things out (son here to help at moment).

feel so stressed, hubby's had contact with the D.V abusers prog with a date for his assessment. after pushing for him to do it I'm now almost hoping he doesn't get a place - the excuse for me to leave (yes I know I don't need 1 but have you any idea of how angry he will be when he's feeling "forced" to attend, gets a place & then I leave anyway!???). God help me.

I'm so terribly tired. I told my vicar what's been going on. he was so supportive about keeping safe & leaving.

W.A are looking into refuges that can take disabled women near my parents. I'm really not sure I want to go into a refuge but they feel I'd be safer incase he looks for me. I'm so tearful, trying hard to look after myself.
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post #133 of 1076 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 10:08 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
I'm now almost hoping he doesn't get a place - the excuse for me to leave (yes I know I don't need 1 but have you any idea of how angry he will be when he's feeling "forced" to attend, gets a place & then I leave anyway!???). God help me.
Navy, try to visualize this one thing: Once you are gone, it won't matter if he's angry, because you will no longer BE there for him to be angry AT.


The refuge sounds great, actually. And far smarter than being with your folks. I know a lady on another forum whose husband started getting aggressive with her, so she packed up all her kids and went to a women's shelter, and lived there for several months while she got her affairs in order and signed up for college so she could support them without her husband. Best thing she ever did. And it was temporary. But she needed it, and that's what they are there for.
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post #134 of 1076 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 12:34 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Navy, as horrifying as it might seem to you right now, a refuge is possibly the best thing that could happen right now. You would have a team working with you to move forward and you would be fast tracked for a lot of help (including legal, counseling and 'move on' accommodation) that you probably wouldn't get if you go to your parents.

I saw entering a refuge as 'the end' for me, but in reality it was the beginning of a whole new life.

Remember, you're not limited to a refuge in your area either. You can enter a refuge in any part of the country. Many victims do this to put as much distance between themselves and their abuser.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #135 of 1076 (permalink) Old 01-19-2014, 07:06 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by MissFroggie View Post
Navy, how are you? I hope things are moving forwards and you are okay. Any news on the refuge? I've had quite a few friends go to refuges when things got bad and they were very supported and helped so much. It sounds like a very good option for you and they will have access to all kinds of support and financial help for you.

If there is anything you need help with please feel free to PM me as I'm in the UK too and I'll do everything I can. If you need someone to chat to just drop me a PM and I'll give you my number (I don't mind at all if you don't want to give me yours too). Be safe honey and keep reminding yourself that you are exceptionally strong and that this situation is not forever and will change for the better. Big hugs x
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