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post #1 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 10:03 AM Thread Starter
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Domestic Abuse.

Hi, posted about financial abuse/domestic abuse a while ago.
husband has cycles of running up HUGE debts in secret, credit cards/loans/secret bank account with overdrafts etc etc. each time he's broken all promises & starts again.

I didn't know until last yr that financial control, debts, making all the decisions etc was part of DV. He's hit me twice - yrs apart, but mainly he'll hold me so I can't move away from him, shaking, pushing, putting his face in mine while he shouts, squaring up to me, threats etc. I ended up feeling v scared of him.

I told my dr, broke the silence. he had some CBT. the last physical incident was about 2.5 - 3 mths ago. I told him any more debt/ hitting & it's over. he promised no more - so far there hasn't been, I've felt so on edge/scared. i'm disabled.

i'm wondering has he stopped?? there's so much info saying a abuser "makes a choice to abuse" even before a incident. can they make the same choice to just stop?? I find myself trying to soothe him so things don't blow. our eldest is home for visit, goes back in about 10 days - I've felt so much more relaxed with him in the house.

I am still finding him to be controlling, he wants to make all the decisions & i'm left feeling un heard/ ignored & angry at times.
can he keep the physical abuse stopped?

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post #2 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 10:09 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I don't know that he wont physically hurt you again, but I do know it seems he is still being abusive in his controlling ways. You need to ask yourself why you have stayed as long as you have, and if he were to hurt you again physically then you need to stick to your word and leave. Do you have kids? Do you have a job, and some money of your own? If not these are things you might need to start thinking about taking care of so if you need to leave you can, which you can anyway.

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post #3 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 10:19 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Abusers rarely stop abusing, but they're very adept at knowing when and how to abuse.

You really need to speak with your local Women's Centre and get some counseling, OP. Nobody needs to live with an abusive spouse.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #4 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 02:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

he's my carer - makes it more difficult. £ has been v limited with all the debts, i'm trying to save little bits when I can. our kids are grown up & live away from home.

it feels so confusing, he's so "nice" at the moment - yes i'm aware of cycles & the honeymoon phase. i'm in touch with Women's Aid & The Freedom Programme. I've got a counsellor - find her v good, she's the one who's picked up so much on the controlling behaviour.

we've been married a long time, my health & all his debt cycles mean we've rarely got much, don't get out much. sometimes I feel like i'm still trying to get my head round being in a abusive marriage - it's so confusing when he's more calm/nice, I look at him & wonder if he has stopped but fear lurks, my tummy goes so tight, heart races, I've become more sensitive to him looking angry etc, wondering what I've done etc - even when I know I haven't done anything.

yes I will have to stick to my boundaries if he hits me again. but God I dread it, so difficult on a practical level but I dread where I could end up - in council housing, with a carer on benefits. he REALLY is so nice that I don't think other people would believe me, he keeps telling me how liked he is at work.

he's drinking more often at the moment- not huge amounts but more nights.
I just wish I knew if he was going to blow up again, wondering if I can afford to "relax" is exhausting. i'm scared to let my guard down.
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post #5 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 04:12 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

####I just wish I knew if he was going to blow up again, wondering if I can afford to "relax" is exhausting. i'm scared to let my guard down.###

Thats no life. You cant live like that in constant fear. Does he know you are living like that.
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post #6 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-06-2013, 05:25 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Abusers rarely stop. This sounds like a high stress relationship to me and not worth it. Stress can have a negative effect on your health.
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post #7 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-07-2013, 09:31 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

What's your disability? Could the stress be exacerbating the problem? I'm wondering if you would be able to work successfully once you are no longer constantly nervous and fearful.

Very seldom do abusers stop. Mr. K (ex abuser) will tell you differently only his advice is you HAVE to be walking out the door - the abuser HAS to know you are absolutely serious about a zero tolerance lifestyle before he'll change.

Either way leaving sounds like the only option. I was, I left. I was terrified of the financial aspect and being a single mother but the PEACE you will feel... not worrying what the mood of the day is when the door opens, not worrying if you forgot to do something or did something 'wrong' or left something in the wrong place... whatever triggers their rage.

And yes, they can control it. He doesn't hit you in public when he's mad or in front of family or friends. Abuse happens in private.

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post #8 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-08-2013, 03:24 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
Hi, posted about financial abuse/domestic abuse a while ago.
husband has cycles of running up HUGE debts in secret, credit cards/loans/secret bank account with overdrafts etc etc. each time he's broken all promises & starts again.

I didn't know until last yr that financial control, debts, making all the decisions etc was part of DV. He's hit me twice - yrs apart, but mainly he'll hold me so I can't move away from him, shaking, pushing, putting his face in mine while he shouts, squaring up to me, threats etc. I ended up feeling v scared of him.

I told my dr, broke the silence. he had some CBT. the last physical incident was about 2.5 - 3 mths ago. I told him any more debt/ hitting & it's over. he promised no more - so far there hasn't been, I've felt so on edge/scared. i'm disabled.

i'm wondering has he stopped?? there's so much info saying a abuser "makes a choice to abuse" even before a incident. can they make the same choice to just stop?? I find myself trying to soothe him so things don't blow. our eldest is home for visit, goes back in about 10 days - I've felt so much more relaxed with him in the house.

I am still finding him to be controlling, he wants to make all the decisions & i'm left feeling un heard/ ignored & angry at times.
can he keep the physical abuse stopped?
Get out, get out, get out!!!!!!!!

He's not a real man, he's a coward. Please leave because you're still in danger as long as you stay with him!
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post #9 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-09-2013, 06:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

my disability is neurological & I have a congenital heart condition. I think my heart condition is being aggravated by all the stress. i'm sure the stress has shaved yrs off me - no joke.

I know I sound pathetic, wish I had more courage, more £. the cycles of debts & a secured loan (I was so stupid letting him bully me into signing that) mean there wouldn't even be enough equity to buy a room never mind a flat.

its the not knowing. wether it's more debt - multiples of £10,000's or the physical. I feel like i'm waiting for the final straw, saving what I can as part of my safety plan,i have enough to hand for a taxi to the nearest women's aid shelter if I need it. I am as practically ready as I feel I can be, I think emotionally I still HOPE he really does really "mean it this time", I think (??) he realises that I will report him to the police if he does it again - so yes he is in control because so far he hasn't. getting my head round him being in full control scrambles my brain - he "looks" out of control/scary to me!

he's trying to encourage our son into gambling - probably thinks he'd get £ off son if he won. he thinks if he could just win some £ he could "sort everything out", he thinks its all just about £, craving a big win. i'm past trying to talk it with him, it makes no difference.

there are other times when he's kind, loving etc, that's what makes it all harder,then I see the man I thought i'd married. then there's the deception, It all feels so mixed up.
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post #10 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-09-2013, 07:21 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Navy3 View Post
there are other times when he's kind, loving etc, that's what makes it all harder,then I see the man I thought i'd married. then there's the deception, It all feels so mixed up.
Thats part of the abuse cycle, and how abusers normally operate. Nice and loving one minute then they turn on you the next. It always keep you in a state of not knowing how to feel or what to do.


"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."
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post #11 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-09-2013, 07:56 AM
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Domestic Abuse.

In my experience it gets worse. Get out now ASAP. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to leave.
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post #12 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-11-2013, 10:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

I know what I ought to do, i'm just scared for several reasons. hanging on to hope.

now v aware of how he uses charm to try & hook me back in, I've been so deep in denial for so long. the Freedom Prog. leaders said it's just a way of coping, surviving.
he's chasing a lottery win, on & on about it. haven't had the courage to talk about gambling with him.

got a couple of things to do nxt wk for my safety plan before our son goes away. it's taken not just physical huge pushes but emotional too.

got a family gathering soon, dreading it incase he can sense I've told my Dad a bit of what's going on.
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post #13 of 1076 (permalink) Old 10-29-2013, 08:04 AM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Just found this, Navy. What's your status? How much have you saved? What has your dad said?
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post #14 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-01-2013, 09:59 PM
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

Get out before he kills you.
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post #15 of 1076 (permalink) Old 11-04-2013, 03:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Domestic Abuse.

my dad has said I can go & live with them if I want to - I know you'll say go! but, I find my mum very difficult, I would be moving into another dysfunctional home!! I really don't want to be at my age - almost 50, living at home, being told what i'm having for tea & having to ask if I can invite anyone round. but my disability makes this all so much more difficult & scary. I feel so trapped.

I haven't got enough for 1mths rent, I really need a place on one level with hand rails etc & i'd need help in.

he is v angry at the moment. he bullied me ( I was so stupid giving in,even with the pen in hand I was still saying it was too much) into signing a secured loan for £50k. at the time he said "if we ever split up i'll take it all on pay off". I've reminded him he said that,he said," oh so you remember that do you?" - but it was the nasty sneer,glaring. but he did say it - he's angry I remember.

he told me this week he used a broker to find this secured loan company!! I was so shocked! at the beginning he lied, gaslighting, told me I HELPED him find this company- lies. he produced the papers without any discussion of considering a secured loan.
and now he let slip he got himself a broker. so, I said "a broker knew about a secured loan for MY/OUR home BEFORE I did?". i'm so angry. I don't think i'll ever know the whole truth with him. the deception is horrible, it makes me feel so unsafe.

he's got a smartphone, he's on about selling it for £ 200 & wants to keep the money for himself! i'm so angry! we've been on the breadline some moths paying all the debts off, no weekend break never mind a week. he want to go on a pay as you go old phone he has - he's done this before, then they launch a new phone & he wants the new 1.

I said why don't we both sell our phones, use old phones in the house & go on pay as you go - cheaper. I said we could send the £ raised off the 2 nice phones as a extra payment off the secured loan. He is livid. I told him I think he's v selfish. if he goes ahead & sells his phone & keeps the £ there's nothing I can do.

I don't trust him at all. he's still saying I've said/agreed to things I truly know I haven't. no one will believe me, people see him helping me with my mobility scooter etc & tell me how devoted he is. there are things he's good with but there's all this other stuff. times he's taken mobility equipment away - not many but he has done it.

I wish we had enough equity in the house for me to buy a 1 bed,groundfloor flat, but we don't. I feel so aware of the added problems my disability adds into it all.

i'm sorry. I know I sound pathetic, I feel so trapped,my disability & all the debt just make it all worse. I just want to cry.
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