No spark left, and nothing to talk about
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Old 04-13-2010, 04:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default No spark left, and nothing to talk about

My husband and i have been married a little over 5 yrs. been together 8 yrs. we have 2 beautiful kids that we adore . he is the best father but a sucky husband. I feel like i have tried to make him happy but get nothing in return. He is only affectionate when he wants sex. he has a construction business and that is the ONLY thing he talks about or we talk about the kids. other than that we have nothing else to talk about. when i mention something about how my day went , he rarely follows through with a comment . I have a lot of resentment toward him for making the decision solely on his own about the purchase of a house that i absolutely hated from day 1. He always takes on the attitude that because he makes the money he can make any decision he wants. I want to make things work because i do love him and he is a wonderful father. The kids absolutely adore him. But i am tired of crying all day and i am afraid i will regret spending many years sad and unhappy. When i mention to him that i am unhappy he tells me i know where the door is. What cAn i do to salvage this. It wasn't always like this?
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Old 04-13-2010, 05:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: No spark left, and nothing to talk about

Wow...your situations reminds me of mine at times. I spend a lot of time crying, and i'm a very confident and successful person. I quit my job recenlty so I could marry him and move here....but i get the I make all the decisions coz i make the money attitude too.

I'm in a bind with my husband too so I don't know if I can really help you, but I think it might help for you to get away from the daily routine. Take a vacation together or even a picnic in the park so you can have a happy conversation. I think ultimately you have to try and find a job and show him that you are not just furniture there. I don't if its right, but thats what I would do atleast.
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Old 04-13-2010, 05:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: No spark left, and nothing to talk about

it's not that easy. we have a business and i am on the payroll. we are not strapped at all. I can buy what i want when i want. but i hate it. i just wish one time he would take an interest in me , who i am , and bring me a frigin flower. and with the house he bought, i just wish that when i tell him how i feel about it , how i feel robbed out of the decision making process, he would say that he is sorry for what he did.
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Old 04-13-2010, 06:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: No spark left, and nothing to talk about

Does he know you are crying all day?
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Old 04-13-2010, 06:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: No spark left, and nothing to talk about

yes, and he justs thinks i should be medicated.
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Old 04-13-2010, 06:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: No spark left, and nothing to talk about

Have you tried counseling? If he won't go, go yourself.

Become financially independent. By throwing out at you that he holds all the $$, he's indicating that he believes money trumps everything else. Until you are able to walk out that door he keeps showing you, he may not take you seriously. On the other hand, you could just ask him if he really values you or not, and let him know that if change in the marriage does not happen, you might be walking out that door one day. Do not say it as a petulant child might, but calmly and seriously.

Get counseling, alone or together, or nothing will change. Get your own job if you must. He's treating you poorly and you are letting him, so why should he change?
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Old 04-13-2010, 06:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: No spark left, and nothing to talk about

I just noticed I'm in the ladies lounge (hey, how you girls get a chaise and all we get is urinals?) so if I'm butting in where I shouldn't just scream for the bouncers...

Well it sounds like you have quite a reason to be unhappy, you are being undervalued and disrespected. Your feeling of pain are being met with disregard. Many of your needs are not being met by your husband. (odds are many of his are not being met by you as well - but I believe he needs to man-up here)

The biggest concern I have is his rudeness to your emotional pain. Your relationship I'm sure is like most others - it is often hard to figure out which came first the chicken or the egg. In other words did he stop meeting your needs first or vice versa? The other is that as needs stopped being met the became met less often because both of you end up pulling away.

The difference is you are reaching out trying to make things work (I'm assuming you would be willing to figure about and help meet his needs as well) and he is being an ass.

Despite the fact he does not appear to be saying this for your good but rather his own selfish needs, don't totally turn your back on medication helping. I am really glad I got on some, I was just too torn and anxious to function well and they, as well as my wife working to repair our marriage with me and our good friend time, have helped me considerably.

As you know your marriage needs some help. You are right spending a lifetime feeling sad is no good.

So, I would let him know (assuming this is true) that you love him dearly and want to make him happy and that you don't feel you are. Also that the marriage just isn't where you think it could be and that you've set up an appointment for counseling to help you understand him better. Plan ahead and check out his schedule to make sure it is convenient for him. (Why all the kiss butt stuff for him when he really doesn't deserve it? Well my guess is that even with this he may well not go - just trying to give you the best odds of getting him into counseling)

Now here is the really important stuff. If he says he isn't going, DO NOT BEG! At most give him a surprised, yet gentle "Really? I thought for sure you would up for working on making our marriage better." And no more.

If he goes with you great, unfortunately you may have to take things slow and not pull out the guns right away on him if you want him to keep coming.

If he doesn't want to go, use that appointment for yourself. If he does go, get yourself separate counseling so that you can survive the slow process- after all even though he deserves to take the brunt on his chin, you may have to take some on yours to get there.

To be fair, you've given relatively little info on years worth of relations between the two of you and we are all complicated creatures, so my guessing at the best way to handle things could be totally off, but my worst case scenario is you getting to counseling by yourself and I think no matter what that is a good thing for you to do for you.

I wish you the best
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Old 04-13-2010, 07:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: No spark left, and nothing to talk about

thanks one married guy. oh and btw, i have been trying to get what i want by giving him what he wants and giving it to him good! but that is still not working. but i loved your advice
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Old 04-13-2010, 08:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: No spark left, and nothing to talk about

I agree with the rest that you should seek couseling. It always helps for him to hear the same thing from a third person than from you. Please don't cry infront of him. That only makes you look weak and dependant. Learn to be strong woman. He will respect you more for it. I know its difficult, but you have to.
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Old 04-14-2010, 10:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: No spark left, and nothing to talk about

As per the not crying in front of him. Different people are, well, different. If I see my wife crying it doesn't make me think she is weak and dependent, it makes me think she is VERY hurt and it hurts me just to see it. My wife could really use this to her advantage and manipulate me with it, but kudos to her, she doesn't.

Lisa - well keep on giving it to him good (sorry just having a guys sticking together moment )

In all honesty in time this may help. Did you ever read the 5 love languages thing? Basically it tells of 5 different ways we feel loved and that different people value different forms more heavily. If you are giving your heart out in three areas but he only heavily values one of those three he has two other areas that are empty. Same of course goes for you. Trick is the givers may not be giving in the most appreciated areas and the receivers may not be noticing all the effort placed in areas that are less needed by them.

Lets say your main three areas of love need are affirmation(need to hear he is proud of you), gifts(even small tokens that he is thinking of you) and quality time(where you truly have his attention). If he thinks the best way to show you love is acts of service(doing stuff for you like)- as a very big example for men - making a good living to have a nice house and food etc and physical touch(cuddling, kissing and more), then while he may think is he showing you love, you are not really receiving it because it is leaving your three primary areas of love need empty.

What I think can make it worse is that we tend to give love in the way we would like it. SO ... it is easy for the receiver to think we are only really being selfish and not giving love at all. Heck even the way we give receive one of the 5 may be totally different. Easiest example is touch. The woman may wish to receive many more subtle examples like hugs and kisses, holding hands while the man may not mind those but may be a little more heavily interested in getting his clock punched

As I think on this I believe there may be another dynamic not even mentioned in the book. I think to a degree most all of us want all of the love in some degree or another. Even if your needs are 1, 2, and 3. A devastating lack of 4 or 5 may make the lack of those so very much more important at the time if you are really getting 1 2 and 3 fulfilled. In other words we as humans tend a bit too often to concentrate on what we are lacking than on what we have.

Now having said all this... Yes, I still think you deserve to be treated better! Move forward with your happiness, he may catch up. Guys often need a 2x4 to the head before they realize anything is out of place with the marriage.

Just a hypothetical story. After months of telling John every day that she is sad and not feeling happy in their marriage, one day she tells John that she is going to live with her parents for a bit while she figures out what to do. She tells him the same thing everyday for the next week. Moving day...

John>What are you doing?
Martha>Packing up to go to my parents
J>Wow, you're taking a lot of stuff
M>I will be there a while John
J>Tell them I said hi
M>*facepalm*
J>Hey, I'm planning on moving that plant to the front that we talked about
M>(totally baffled and bit curious) Why?
J>I thought that is where you wanted it
M>I really don't care anymore
J>Why not
M>Because I don't live here anymore
J>What are you talking about
M>I'm going to my parents
J>yeah?
M>and looking for an apartment
J>what is wrong with our house?
M>you are in it
J>?
M>John I'm leaving you
J>?
M>We are separating
J> (its getting close now)
M> I don't love you anymore
J> (2x4 connects)
J> (stunned)
J> What do you mean you don't love me anymore? butt...butt butt
J> Nooo.oooo.oooooooooooooooooooo!

sorry you have buy the hardcover to get the rest
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Old 04-14-2010, 11:21 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: No spark left, and nothing to talk about

The thing is, OMGuy, many of us do not want to be trapped forever with someone who needs to be hit with a 2x4 to realize we are human beings with feelings, too.

Children are insensitive to the reality of others. They can be understanding and compassionate, but they have no real appreciation for what it means to see another as equally important to themselves. They are too self-centered--as they SHOULD be; it is age appropriate.

Too many people do not outgrow this stage. I'm sure there are a LOT of women who do it, too, but men may be more tolerant of immaturity in women than women are when it comes to men--and shame on men who let their wives act like children (by ignoring the man's rights to happiness, etc.), by the way. In any event, please do not assume that a wife has NOT done everything in her power before she shuts down and gives up. We usually have. No change in US will make a guy change his ways. He will only change when threatened with loss--and by then, to get back to where I started, it is too late, because we do not find such a person attractive.

Probably the biggest mistake most of us women make is living with the status quo, for the sake of our kids. We should leave when we give up on bringing about change. Now that I see how much happier my kids are, I wish I had left and not stayed for their sake. I was not the person I am now, but being "inside" the situation, I couldn't see it. What a relief to all of us to have me being truly happy again!
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Old 04-14-2010, 11:25 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: No spark left, and nothing to talk about

I just felt like her husband doesn't care for her tears so why bother sheding them. I really hope you can figure it out sister. You really deserve a happy healthy marriage.
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Old 04-14-2010, 11:46 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: No spark left, and nothing to talk about

Quote:
Originally Posted by sisters359 View Post
Have you tried counseling? If he won't go, go yourself.

Become financially independent. By throwing out at you that he holds all the $$, he's indicating that he believes money trumps everything else. Until you are able to walk out that door he keeps showing you, he may not take you seriously. On the other hand, you could just ask him if he really values you or not, and let him know that if change in the marriage does not happen, you might be walking out that door one day. Do not say it as a petulant child might, but calmly and seriously.

Get counseling, alone or together, or nothing will change. Get your own job if you must. He's treating you poorly and you are letting him, so why should he change?
Yep.
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