My In-laws

dheading · 05-13-2008, 01:34 PM

I have a big issues iwth my in-laws. They watch my son for two hours while I work until my husband gets home. The problem is they refuse to come to my house to watch him because it is not what they like. She claims that she is to tired to cook dinner for the tow of them when she gets home but all she does is sit in my recliners and watch my son play and change his diaper what is tiring about that. Every time my son goes over to their house I can't get him to sleep until 2 in the morning then I have to work the next day and I dead tired from being up all night. I told myself I would give it one more try and see what happens that night. If my son doesn't go to sleep until 2 in the morning again I am not taking him over there anymore. How do you try to expalin this to my husband in a way he will understand and not get mad? Right now he is just making excuses about different things that have no effect on my son. How do you also explain this to my in-laws in a way they will understand and not get all that mad? Please help me with this issue cause I am at the point to where I can't take it anymore and I am about ready to tell my mother-in-law if she can't come my house then she will no longer watch him but I am a little afraid to right now for my husbands sake. What you guys do?

TheHubby · 05-13-2008, 02:28 PM

Maybe you should talk to your husband about it again. Because the other option is a baby sitter & paying all that money for one may be an incentive for your husband to help you to get your in-law in line & do what you need done to help the baby sleep at a decent time.

dheading · 05-13-2008, 03:03 PM

I know I need to talk to my husband but I don't know how word it ti where he will understand and not end up in a big fight between us.

draconis · 05-13-2008, 03:09 PM

You have two choices.

1) Deal with it and be thankful they are a par of your son's life.

2) Pay a proper childcare service.

draconis

swedish · 05-13-2008, 03:15 PM

What is your plan if your MIL no longer watches him? To hire a sitter to come to your house? I think if it were me, I would feel more at ease with grandma watching him than a sitter and would try to solve the sleep issue before going that route. Does your husband pick him up and get caught up over there talking, etc. so they get home late and throw the routine off? I guess I'm not sure why being there vs. your house is causing the sleep issue, but is there something you/your husband can try at home to calm him down and get some sort of nightly routine that would transition him better from the day at grandmas? I would have LOVED the peace in knowing my mother or MIL was caring for my babies while I was working...unfortunately neither were still living at that point but if anything, I wouldn't put demands on where they watched my kids.

dheading · 05-13-2008, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swedish

What is your plan if your MIL no longer watches him? To hire a sitter to come to your house? I think if it were me, I would feel more at ease with grandma watching him than a sitter and would try to solve the sleep issue before going that route. Does your husband pick him up and get caught up over there talking, etc. so they get home late and throw the routine off? I guess I'm not sure why being there vs. your house is causing the sleep issue, but is there something you/your husband can try at home to calm him down and get some sort of nightly routine that would transition him better from the day at grandmas? I would have LOVED the peace in knowing my mother or MIL was caring for my babies while I was working...unfortunately neither were still living at that point but if anything, I wouldn't put demands on where they watched my kids.

I plan is to have my mom contiune watching him three days a week and hire someone for two days a week. My husband does pick him up but normally ends doing something for them and is there until late. Like today for instance when I dropped my son off he cried bloody murder because I was leaving him because he doesn't either like it at their house or something else but I can't figure out what. What is worse is that when my in-laws put down the way I parent and dispile my son my husband doesn't even stand up for me.

swedish · 05-13-2008, 03:55 PM

I guess in that case I would talk to your husband about how it's only on the days he's at your in-laws that you are having problems to see if you can come to agreement on what to do there...either ask your husband to try coming straight home (explain to in-laws that you are having this problem with getting him down and need to get a better routine in place on these days) and that you want to avoid getting a sitter but it may get to that point if this doesn't work. If you put your energy into getting the sleep issue resolved (which all involved should agree needs to happen) they may be more apt to work with you rather than feel that you are being overly demanding or placing blame on them which will only put them in a defensive mode. As far as him crying when you leave, I know this is pretty normal for young children and the separation is more obvious when he's not in your home and you can 'sneak' out but as long as he is in a safe place it will help him in the long run when he starts pre-school, etc.

confusedinTX · 05-13-2008, 11:23 PM

First let me say good luck. I have issues with my father in law and am "lucky" enough to have our bro in law living with us. There is no easy answers to this one because it sounds like your husband is in the same place mine is in that he lets his parents take the lead and doesn't defend you. It is hard to be in the middle but I have to think at some point it should be about what is best for his family and his son. A lot of kids need a schedule and that alone could be why your son is acting strange when dropped off.
We fight a lot about his bro in law who is loud, messy and overall disrespectful. I have made the case that it is time for him to move out but have had the best results in framing it in that it is in the bro is laws best interest. The other way I have tried is to talk only about what is best for our daughter. Either way he seems to respond better then if I bring up anything involving myself. Maybe you can find a way to approach it where you don't bring up your feelings on the matter (especially about his parents). If you don't think you can come to an agreement with your husband then you might have to make one and risk him being mad at you. A tough choice between doing what is best for the kid and pissing off the husband but sometimes it has to be made.
I think a lot of inlaws second guess our parenting styles and if that is just the way they are that isn't going to change. I try to just live with it and try not to let it bother me so much. I know that is harder when it doesn't feel like your husband is on your side. I could tell you the horror stories from my inlaws but really what it amounts to sometimes is they probably wouldn't be better with someone else so I try not to take it personally. Good luck.

berlinlife06 · 05-25-2008, 03:00 AM

I'd say tray to suggest to have a sitter 3 times a week, so at least you can get your sleep, and Friday take your son there and you can sleep longer on saturday. Perhaps the compromise will do good for everybody.

tater03 · 05-25-2008, 08:41 PM

I think that you have come to some compromise. Does your husband see the issues your son is having at night sleeping? I would think that if he sees it he would understand what you are saying. I hope that this arrangement works better for all of you.

Cindy · 05-26-2008, 01:20 PM

You really need to talk to your husband about what is going on including how you don't feel he is on your side. He really needs to support your role as teh head female of the household. He doesn't always have to agree with you, but he does need to let his mom know when to back off.

Try talking to the MIL one more time about coming to your house. When she gives her excuses as to why she doesn't like that idea, tell her you understand and have been thinking about a babysitter anyway. Explain that it would just be easier on everyone and that way it wouldn't feel like a chore for her to spend time with her grandchild. Be sure to let her know you will still let your child spend time with her on the weekends or whatever. If she doesn't like it, who cares? You can't please everyone, so take care of yourself and your child. You have that power position in your home already, flex it. You are the mom.

I don't see why anyone would get mad about it. If they do, remind them that you gave them the option to come to your house and babysit and THEY chose not to. Put it back on them. Set the standard, you need your child at your house, child needs to eat dinner (which you can have prepared ahead of time) and be in bed at bedtime. NOT hard. They can either enjoy doing that or not have to. Again, if hubby disagrees, be in bed already when he gets home from his mommy's house so he can put his child to bed.

Same thing goes with dicipline. When she comments, thank her for her imput and let her know you have it handled. It's really not open to discussion. (Again, it's a power struggle that you've already won, you are mommy and therefore Supreme ruler of your own child, lol). If she throws it up to you that your husband doesn't mind her suggestions, thank her again for her input and let her know you will keep her suggestions in mind when you work on those issuses with your husband at home, when she's not there.
By doing that you are letting her feel heard and involved while reminding her it is ultimately between you and your husband how you dicipline your child.

I realize there is more comfort in leaving your child with family. But as you can see, you can get caught up in all this manipulation and drama where you are reluctant to stand up for yourself b/c of the possibility of hurt feelings. It's not worth it. Offer the job again with your standards in place (your house, dinner, and bedtime) one more time, then get a babysitter if you have to. If your husband wants to know why, explain that his parents turned down the offer and you don't mind paying for just 2 hours to have it done the way it needs to be done. The end! I hope this helps. Be a confident mom and let people know your standards surrounding your child are non-negotiable to people you aren't married to!

CaryLeb · 08-03-2008, 01:09 PM

Thats a tough one. What is your husband interaction in all of this? Does he stay up with you when the baby can't sleep? Does he take the baby to his parents house or do you always do it?
First talk to your husband and make him feel your pain in all of this or let him feel is own pain by making him an active participant to see how well he deals with the stress. If you can't come to a happy medium with him, then try to compromise with the in-laws. Structure nap times for your child and insist that they keep up with the pattern.
My mother watches my son while we are at work. During the warm seasons my mother pickes him up in the morning and I pick him up from their house after work. However during the colder months she will stay with him at my house and during the winter days if it is too hectic, my son will spend the night over at their house and I'll come and see him after work until the temperature lets up.

See what you can compromise with your in-laws and try to negotiate with your favorite of the two.