How to fall in love with your husband again?
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Old 04-28-2010, 12:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to fall in love with your husband again?

I know it's terribly cliche for me to say this but while I love my husband dearly, I don't feel that I'm in love with him anymore.

We have been together for almost 6 years and married for 1. He was my first bf, and I was initially attracted to him because he treated me like a queen. Friends used to enviously say that he worshipped the ground I walked on. I felt like the centre of his world in the first few years we were together, and it was the happiest time of my life. Over time, he has become much less attentive and romantic, but still treats me well. However, with the spark now long gone from our relationship, I feel hopelessly bored with him and our life together. It seems we have little in common and nothing to talk about.

It didn't help that last month I went away on a course and met a guy who ended up liking me. He didn't know I was married, and as it has been so long since a guy has shown interest in me, I didn't clarify things with him. Although I enjoyed the attention he gave me, I rejected all his physical advances. I didn't intend to have an affair.

We went our separate ways 2 weeks ago. He lives in another city 2 hours away from me so it's unlikely we'll see each other again unless we purposely arranged it (I'm very tempted to do this). I thought it would be easy to forget about him after the course ended but ever since I got back home, I have been pining for him and can't stop reminiscing our time together. To be honest, I don't think I miss him personally; I just miss the feeling of being pursued by a new guy, and it could have been any guy really (although this guy is lovely and I can imagine myself falling for him had I been single).

How can I improve my relationship with my husband at this point? I love he loves me and I do love him but I am so bored with our married life. He never does anything romantic or even spontaneous anymore. Each day after work, he will come home, turn on the TV or go on the computer. Sometimes, I will ask him to turn off the TV and computer and just chat with me, but then we seem to have nothing to talk about.

In the last few days, I have been crying at home because I am missing that guy so much. I have this guy's email and I can contact him anytime I want but I fear rejection from him since I rejected him so many times throughout the course. And also, I don't want this to be the start of an EA. I don't want my marriage to be tainted by infidelity. Nor does my husband deserve this kind of betrayal.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 04-28-2010, 12:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to fall in love with your husband again?

Tell your husband you want to have a closer relationship with him. Tell him you love him dearly, but you feel lonely and neglected. Tell him he means the world to you, and then madly seduce him. Tell him you want to start dating again...him of course.

Tell him to write down the 5 most important things is his life. Have him then create a time log to see if his allocation of free time matches up with his listed priorities. If not, talk about how he can change this, and by the way it wouldn't hurt you to work the same exercise either. Please let us know though if he ranked you ahead of the computer and the television. If not then you need a new thread.

Finally, tell him you'll break his legs if he doesn't treat you like the pricess you are. I'm sure all your hubby needs is a little nudge. Hang in there.

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Old 04-28-2010, 01:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to fall in love with your husband again?

I would say talk to him and spend time together. That might have saved my marriage.
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Old 04-28-2010, 04:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to fall in love with your husband again?

Thanks for the great advice. I really appreciate your responses.

I know for a fact that my husband ranks me ahead of the TV and computer as he will obligingly turn these off when I ask him to. I think he just uses them to keep himself occupied when we're not interacting. I think our problem is we don't really have anything interesting to talk about. We have no common friends, and actually, my husband doesn't have a lot of friends at all, otherwise I would be quite happy to accompany him to any gatherings.

I think I would like us to start dating each other again, but he works long hours and I only work part time, which means I always have more energy left at the end of the day than him.

I feel really bad for even complaining about my marriage as my husband is really great (especially compared to a lot of my friends' husbands). He is happy to do anything I ask and automatically does his share of household chores without my prompting. I guess I just wish that he had more spontaneity and zest for life. I like travelling and meeting new people, but he enjoys being at home and is socially awkward.

Am I asking for too much here? Maybe I'm the problem in our marriage - always wanting more and more?
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Old 04-28-2010, 02:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to fall in love with your husband again?

First of all, if you give a damn about your husband or your marriage then BURN that other guy's email addy. Forget all about him. Don't even THINK about him. You are suffering from a serious case of "the grass is greener" syndrome.

ALL relationships get stale and tired if you don't work on them. Haven't you ever heard of "The 7 Year Itch". Well, you are experiencing that.

It's like complaining that the 5 year old car you own isn't shiny and new looking anymore. Well, if you work at it, you can have a new and shiny 5 year old car! The same applies to your marriage. You have to make an effort to keep your marriage fresh and exciting and it's not just on his end. It sounds like you are content to sit back and wait for him to treat you like a queen and hope he comes around. Well, it doesn't quite work like that. Marriage is a two way partnership and you don't just bail when things start getting a bit tarnished. Your marriage isn't always going to be fresh and exciting and yes, you have to work to keep it that way!

It sounds like your husband has committed no greater sin than not being exciting and isn't putting you on a pedestal constantly. Do you love him and WANT to hold it together?

If you do then why don't YOU think of some stuff you can do together and talk with him about stuff that you both enjoy? Maybe it's going to museums or out to see a concert or hiking or ANYTHING! Doesn't sound like you have kids so the possibilities are endless! Cook him a nice dinner, light some candles, watch the news or read a good book and be prepared to discuss it with him. Start thinking of what you'd like to do with your husband instead of some guy you met out of town.

Above all, don't give him grief about being on the computer or watching TV but give him a reason NOT to do these things. Maybe get dressed in some nice lingerie and greet him at the door with bottle of wine some night when he gets home from work?

And yes, ask your husband if you could both take a day off and spend it together, even if it's only one day on a weekend. Tell him you are lonely for him and want to have dates. Make him feel wanted! I'm getting the idea that you are looking for an excuse to have an affair, which is unfair to your husband and your marriage.

Instead of pining for some guy you met for a few days out of town work on what you have..and next time yo go out of town, wear your damn wedding ring!

I mean seriously, you have a good guy but some of the excitement is gone so you are thinking about having an affair? That's pretty damn sad.
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Old 04-28-2010, 03:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to fall in love with your husband again?

Worried about having an EA, sounds like you are pretty borderline already...

Truly love your husband? How about yourself? Destroy the email (yes that does mean don't try to memorize it first ) And put your new found energy into yourself and your marriage.

Seriously, you want to date again? When was the last time you set up a date for the two of you and he turned you down?

No it is not all your job, but look at it this way...if you are feeling this way and he doesn't know, is there a possibility he is feeling the same way too? You can be a quitter and say "Oh that just means we weren't meant to be, we should just give up" (this attitude will repeat itself every few years no matter who you are with until the attitude is changed) or you can decide you, your husband and your marriage mean more than that and put whole self into it, which can't be done if part of you is planning or nurturing your escape hatch
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Old 04-29-2010, 07:32 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to fall in love with your husband again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyed View Post
Thanks for the great advice. I really appreciate your responses.

I know for a fact that my husband ranks me ahead of the TV and computer as he will obligingly turn these off when I ask him to. I think he just uses them to keep himself occupied when we're not interacting. I think our problem is we don't really have anything interesting to talk about. We have no common friends, and actually, my husband doesn't have a lot of friends at all, otherwise I would be quite happy to accompany him to any gatherings.

I think I would like us to start dating each other again, but he works long hours and I only work part time, which means I always have more energy left at the end of the day than him.

I feel really bad for even complaining about my marriage as my husband is really great (especially compared to a lot of my friends' husbands). He is happy to do anything I ask and automatically does his share of household chores without my prompting. I guess I just wish that he had more spontaneity and zest for life. I like travelling and meeting new people, but he enjoys being at home and is socially awkward.

Am I asking for too much here? Maybe I'm the problem in our marriage - always wanting more and more?
Apparently you are a major part of the problem. Your selfishness has directed you out of your marriage. But that is OK. At least you caught it before it got worse. Whatever you INVEST your time money and effort in is what will gain your interest. Now you have already said that when you try to talk, you both have nothing to say.

Pull him away from the TV and computer... Play cards. Make dinner together. Games. There are a number of things that have common areas. What do you both like? Is there something he likes, but you dont so much? Is it somethng that you can do? Heck if he is on the computer, go search things together, intentionally sit with him and ask him to search how to make marriage exciting. And when he almost falls off his chair and asks whats wrong. Look at him with a smile and either tell him or say I just don't want us to fall into the same ole same ole as others. I want to keep it fresh. Whatever.

Look at your time with the other. You were following your heart. But I have to tell you. Your heart is the most deceitful thing there is. It lives for the moment. If you learn to LEAD your heart, happiness is what your investment is in. And remember, when you follow your heart it leads to lust. And lust can be many things. Lust is the desire for things forbidden. So lead your heart, dont follow it.
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Old 04-29-2010, 11:23 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to fall in love with your husband again?

This is a website can help or lead to other sites

Indoor Activities That Bring Couples Closer Together

Enjoy it
Good Luck
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Old 04-29-2010, 02:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to fall in love with your husband again?

omg... I thought I was going to have to post this topic, but Starry you've already done it. I'm in a really similar situation, without any guy's email or plan to have any "over friendly" relationship with anyone but my hubby.

I'll post a similar topic explaining my "feelings" and situation, but I'm happy to have found your post and the replies. I know I'm not alone in this "feeling" and that my guilt of thinking I may be the problem and not him may have very well been right.

Starry I really hope the best for you and your marriage, maybe we'll chat about sharing our ideas to better our marriages.

Fury
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to fall in love with your husband again?

Thank you for all the advice here, I'm not the one who posted the query but I learned and enjoyed reading it a lot...


StarryEyed, you are not alone...I'm on the same exact situation, mine was 7 years together, 6 years married and yes there will com to a point that both will lose interest, but I admit, I was part of the problem as I don't make any efforts to make amends on our situation...

I do love my husband too, but you are right, I don't feel the spark...I married the guy and one of the reason is he is drop dead gorgeous and until now he is but I don't see myself being crazy about him like what I had before.....

I miss the feeling of being important and I miss the attention like treating you as you are the only girl in the world...My husband is even quite popular in his work and young women drool over him

However, my husband even lost the affection to me, all he did was to use all these gadgets and his ps3 sucks like hell

And there's this one guy whom I met while I was with girlfriends having ice cream, he is so straight forward and I could melt with his staring adorable eyes, he won't take his eyes off of me....but of course I never entertained as I know I am so married and this marriage really has to last a lifetime for me

However after several months of him hunting and pursuing me down where he could contact me (he has his ways and he is so intellect), he emailed me like a spam and there, I never entertained those first bunch of emails and send me but next email he pleads like a lonely child... I give it a shot and offered him friendship which is the only thing I can give to him...Same as you, I don't intend to have an affair....

But time pass by and I'm beginning to like him and cant't get him out of my head like an infatuated foolish girl, we always have a sensible and fun conversations...anything and everything under the sun....like you know how it feels when you're starting with someone

I found this site to get an advice, and hope I could try all these stuff I can do....

I also want to save my marriage and I won't pursue the other since it should not meant to happen....

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Old 03-26-2012, 08:44 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to fall in love with your husband again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarryMe View Post
Thank you for all the advice here, I'm not the one who posted the query but I learned and enjoyed reading it a lot...


StarryEyed, you are not alone...I'm on the same exact situation, mine was 7 years together, 6 years married and yes there will com to a point that both will lose interest, but I admit, I was part of the problem as I don't make any efforts to make amends on our situation...

I do love my husband too, but you are right, I don't feel the spark...I married the guy and one of the reason is he is drop dead gorgeous and until now he is but I don't see myself being crazy about him like what I had before.....

I miss the feeling of being important and I miss the attention like treating you as you are the only girl in the world...My husband is even quite popular in his work and young women drool over him

However, my husband even lost the affection to me, all he did was to use all these gadgets and his ps3 sucks like hell

And there's this one guy whom I met while I was with girlfriends having ice cream, he is so straight forward and I could melt with his staring adorable eyes, he won't take his eyes off of me....but of course I never entertained as I know I am so married and this marriage really has to last a lifetime for me

However after several months of him hunting and pursuing me down where he could contact me (he has his ways and he is so intellect), he emailed me like a spam and there, I never entertained those first bunch of emails and send me but next email he pleads like a lonely child... I give it a shot and offered him friendship which is the only thing I can give to him...Same as you, I don't intend to have an affair....

But time pass by and I'm beginning to like him and cant't get him out of my head like an infatuated foolish girl, we always have a sensible and fun conversations...anything and everything under the sun....like you know how it feels when you're starting with someone

I found this site to get an advice, and hope I could try all these stuff I can do....

I also want to save my marriage and I won't pursue the other since it should not meant to happen....

sounds like this guy is a sociopath.....
you might have a lot of fun with him.....
or maybe your whole life will be derailed...
be careful, make sure you look after yourself
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:56 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Starry - you have a good man who respects and loves you. He cares so much about you that he works hard to provide the family with a good living and he helps without prompting.

What more do you want. That guy who you allowed to follow you around like a dog in heat, did not respect you. PLease don't be flattered, be insulted.

He picked you out as a good target for some fun sex while on the road. He probably does it on every trip. You are not special to him believe me. You are a collection of warm holes that he wanted to use. That's not you is it? You are more than that.

It was not your attractiveness, it was your availability and parts

Please get your priorities strait. You are a walking target for predatory men looking for lonely married woman who are foolish enough to give them something for nothing.

You have had beginners luck with that wonderful man who committed to you. I can't believe you are not treating him like a king.

You got a diamond the first time around. That's why you think he is a dime a dozen. He is not.

He is special. If you do something foolish and lose him some lucky woman will have him inside of 6 months.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 03-26-2012 at 09:56 PM.
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Now, does that dose of reality help? If you are bored then you are boring. Why do you imagine that it is his job to reignite the relationship? I think you are being selfish too.

You get busy and do it. Read books to get ideas. Start new hobbies together, peruse new interest and spice up the sex.

I hope SimplyAmorous sees this post. She has a wealth of knowledge of good books. If she does not post, PM her.

You work part time. Make it your full time job to honor that man who honors you.

Don't be taken in by deceitful snakes that pursue married women looking for the most foolish one to debase herself for a nothing like him.

I'm scolding you like an aunt so take it in that light. Good luck.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 03-26-2012 at 09:15 PM.
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to fall in love with your husband again?

You *must* share these feelings with your husband--he needs to know what he is up against. Yes, it will be hard for him, but not as hard as finding out you are having an affair (which is likely at some point, if this issue isn't resolved), or finding out you've decided to divorce him and there is no turning back. Fear of causing him pain and failing to tell him will simply be the mistake that starts a negative chain of events.

You haven't had an affair, and you are not going to pursue this incipient emotional affair (right?). But you are so vulnerable that it's just likely to happen again if you don't take action now.

Work together to resolve the problems. Get some marriage counseling, because it will help--and get it before you have bigger problems. You are on the cusp of no return, so don't delay. Good luck.
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Starry,

I was where you are. I loved my husband when we got married but not the passionate, lustful, all-emcompassing way I do now. Yes, you can fall in love with your own husband.

Get rid of all contact means for this other guy and forget about him. It's an EA waiting to happen. You are just fantasizing about him because you are unhappy and restless in your marriage and he feels like the solution. He's not, believe me. You're right; he does NOT deserve that kind of betrayal. You will hate yourself.

My husband and I have virtually nothing in common as far as hobbies go. Spiritually and emotionally we are soulmates, but that takes time and work and understanding.

For me happiness with him is sitting on the couch and having him reach for my hand, or catching him gazing at me with a little smile and hearing him say, "Love you."

You're bored? Get stupid and crazy. The other day I walked up to dh when he was on the computer and poured a cold beer over his head with one hand and squirted him with whipped cream with the other. He gasped and turned around shocked but one guess what it led to? Don't recommend the taste combo, though. LOL

Work on it. You will probably find you are not as bored and unhappy as you think.
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