husband negativity has turned me off
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Old 05-05-2010, 12:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy husband negativity has turned me off

i am hoping someone else has the same problem as i do. my husband is a very negative person and everything is such a big deal to him. i can't go out in public with him and enjoy myself because he is constantly talking about people or complaining about something. i try to ignore it but i have gotten to the point that i don't want to go anywhere with him. i've talked to him about it and he doesn't think he is negative. i don't feel close to him anymore. he used to be so funny and made me laugh a lot. i have lost interest in being intimate with him and don't know if it's because of this or not. i don't know what to do. i have started taking anti-depressants to deal with it. i think he lives in an unrealistic world where everything is perfect and nothing ever goes wrong. please give me some advice.
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Old 05-05-2010, 12:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

i will profess to being somewhat similar to your husband. bottom line is I have very little making me happy in my life.
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Old 05-05-2010, 01:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

Negativity can destroy many things. Continue trying to communicate your feelings to him about this, but also look into counseling. There may be depression on both sides of the fence to deal with.
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

I do have the same issue. I am not quite sure when this really started to bother me - but I do try to give my H some slack as he has a job where he sees the worst of our society and works in a non-supportive environment.

Despite this, I find it difficult to do anything with him - as sometimes I am embarrassed by the things he says and his behavior in front of our child ( another topic!). What I try to do - is turn the situation into a positive. For example, if a negative comment is said about a person (a stranger), I will try to respond by saying something positive about the individual - like - oh I think he looks really nice - or he reminds me of a coworker I like, etc. Sometimes, I will make a comment about how the person remindes me of a friend of my H's. Just try to remain positive - it will help you get through it and hopefully your behavior will have a good influence on him.

And yes, this has had a negative impact on the relationship - all the way around. I have not found a solution to that.
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Old 05-06-2010, 10:23 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

I am sarcastic, esp when trying to be humorous, but am sure my
wife can take this as negative too often when its not really.
(funny but she used to laugh more at my comments)

Yet, i too can cross the line sometimes
I grew up in NYC. thats my excuse

I feel W can be too much of a stuffed shirt sometimes. so do my sons,
who appreciate my humor, and share it to some degree.
(they're def not the milkmans, or the postmans, or the.....)



But really, like i post often here, communications the key, and
most H/W's dont hold off on blasting their mates once n awhile,
so OPEN up yer traps and let 'em flap in a positive dialogue for
this once. who knows, it may become a new habit?

-----------------cb45----------------------------------
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Old 05-07-2010, 08:11 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

i can relate my issue is when you find it funny that he I call pick's on people then i grew up and he didn't... what is worse though is when to strangers he is the best guy the person people like to talk to and then at home or behind that persons back well a different story...

i guess there is a fine line between houmous and hurtful.
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Old 05-08-2010, 01:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Unhappy Re: husband negativity has turned me off

I was an unabashed optimist when I met my husband. Also, I was horribly naive. I put myself in so many bad situations by refusing to see the bad in anyone or any situation. In some ways, my husbands negativity saved me. Sometimes you have to consider the ugly truths in life. That being said, I'm older and wiser and long to have my optimism back.
I know his outlook on life, he knows mine. It tends to turn into fights where there is no need to fight. I decided not to let his negativity seep into my mood. The frustration being that he won't let my sunny side interfere with his. Damn it. I just remember that in the end we we're both usually right. And being right just isn't that important in the long run. I value the moments he's at peace, and know it must be really good when he says something positive-.
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Old 05-08-2010, 07:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

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Originally Posted by okeydokie View Post
i will profess to being somewhat similar to your husband. bottom line is I have very little making me happy in my life.
ok, not a dis at you, just an observation that you still have CHOICE in your life...to look at the bad in your life and work PAST it, instead of letting it color your whole life as a negative. It's called attitude.

My life has sucked WAY more than yours ever has, but I still try to wake up every morning and look for the potential in today.
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Old 05-08-2010, 07:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

Negativity...

My DD19 and I once asked my husband to go 30 minutes without saying a negative thing about something. He couldn't make it.

I, too, was the one who laughed all the time. I saw the good in everyone. I expected the best in every day. I was ok, despite the bad hand I'd been dealt.

Until I met my husband. He was the poorest...had to dig through trash bins to find food for his younger siblings and mother. But he busted his BUTT to earn a living and he bought a house at 18. Working three jobs. He's brilliant and amazing. Smartest uneducated man I've ever met.

But because of his childhood, and his alcoholic father and schizophrenic mother, he sees the world as him against it ALL.

I can't even remember all the times he's yelled at a cashier because she didn't respect him enough. On and on. He screamed at our next door neighbors because their lawn crew smashed our sprinkler head several times, despite the fact that I kept asking him to TELL the neighbors their lawn crew was doing it - no, he waited until he'd had enough, replaced 3 sprinkler heads, and stormed over to their house and screamed at them - when he had never even told them he had a problem. They almost called the police on us because of his negative, me against the world attitude.

For 30 years, I protected him from himself. Agreed with him. Never told him that he was sounding like an ass. Making a fool of himself. Losing clients and contacts because no one wantd to deal with him.

I'm trying, today. To show him how his negativity hurts him, me, our daughter, his coworkers, society. But he can't hear it. If I even HINT at the possibility that he is anything but wonderful, it is ME who gets reamed over the coals. For not supporting him.

Don't make the same mistake of silencing yourself to keep the peace.

Tell him the truth.

Let him SEE what damage he is creating by CHOOSING this attitude.

Last edited by turnera; 05-10-2010 at 09:58 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 05-10-2010, 09:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Negativity...

My DD19 and I once asked my husband to go 30 minutes without saying a negative thing about something. He couldn't make it.

I, too, was the one who laughed all the time. I saw the good in everyone. I expected the best in every day. I was ok, despite the bad hand I'd been dealt.

Until I met my husband. He was the poorest...had to dig through trash bins to find food for his younger siblings and mother. But he busted his BUTT to earn a living and he bought a house at 18. Working three jobs. He's brilliant and amazing. Smartest uneducated man I've ever met.

But because of his childhood, and his alcoholic father and schizophrenic mother, he sees the world as him against it ALL.

I can't even remember all the times he's yelled at a cashier because she didn't respect him enough. On and on. He screamed at our next door neighbors because their lawn crew smashed our sprinkler head several times, despite the fact that I kept asking him to TELL the neighbors their lawn crew was doing it - no, he waited until he'd had enough, replaced 3 sprinkler heads, and stormed over to their house and screamed at them - when he had never even told them he had a problem. They almost called the police on us because of his negative, me against the world attitude.

For 30 years, I protected him from himself. Agreed with him. Never told him that he was sounding like an ass. Making a food of himself. Losing clients and contacts because no one wantd to deal with him.

I'm trying, today. To show him how his negativity hurts him, me, our daughter, his coworkers, society. But he can't hear it. If I even HINT at the possibility that he is anything but wonderful, it is ME who gets reamed over the coals. For not supporting him.

Don't make the same mistake of silencing yourself to keep the peace.

Tell him the truth.

Let him SEE what damage he is creating by CHOOSING this attitude.

You need to record him and then play it back at a later date. I did that to my 13 year old to show him how immature and mean he was towards his mother and younger brothers. Give me his phone number and I will call him and pretend to be a former client and tell him what an ass he is.
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Old 05-10-2010, 09:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

lol, I'll think about it.

I have recorded him. He just thinks he's got the right to be mad at the world. Everyone is out to get him.

Yesterday, he was talking about the boys running around outside the restaurant, saying they should be quiet and refined and respectful, and I was saying something like isn't that - the way they were roughhousing with each other - how boys are supposed to be? And he went into how he never got to BE a kid cos his dad had him working from the time he was 5, putting roofs on houses. I tried to say something about how his childhood was bad, but why did that mean that other boys couldn't enjoy being a boy? So he changed the subject.
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Old 05-10-2010, 10:26 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

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My life has sucked WAY more than yours ever has, but I still try to wake up every morning and look for the potential in today.
i'm really not sure how you arrived at that conclusion
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Old 05-10-2010, 10:37 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

When I went into pre-term labor, my ex sat down and sad, "Why do these things always happen to me?" When a friend's child had a life threatening asthma attack, he said, "Well at least they have money." Same thing when the same friend had another child diagnosed with autism. And not said in a "let's find a silver lining" kind of way--said in the spirit of "everyone is so much better off than me."

My dh's mother is equally negative and self-pitying. It is so draining. I had NO idea how dragged down I felt until my separation. OMG. Like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders--I'm so much happier not to bearing the weight of his constant negativity. My kids are too. I had no idea it was affecting them so much, either.

I obviously don't have any good advice for improving things within the marriage. I ended mine. I hope you find a solution that works for you. Good luck!
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Old 05-10-2010, 10:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

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i'm really not sure how you arrived at that conclusion
Just going to assume that you haven't been through the things I've been through.
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Old 05-10-2010, 12:46 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband negativity has turned me off

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When I went into pre-term labor, my ex sat down and sad, "Why do these things always happen to me?" When a friend's child had a life threatening asthma attack, he said, "Well at least they have money." Same thing when the same friend had another child diagnosed with autism. And not said in a "let's find a silver lining" kind of way--said in the spirit of "everyone is so much better off than me."

My dh's mother is equally negative and self-pitying. It is so draining. I had NO idea how dragged down I felt until my separation. OMG. Like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders--I'm so much happier not to bearing the weight of his constant negativity. My kids are too. I had no idea it was affecting them so much, either.

I obviously don't have any good advice for improving things within the marriage. I ended mine. I hope you find a solution that works for you. Good luck!
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