My husband wont stop lying to me
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Old 05-06-2010, 11:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy My husband wont stop lying to me

My husband is a huge liar about everything, the problem is he's good at it. I was seeking help on google (as lame as that sounds) and found this website so here is my story: I fell head over heels in love with this guy when i was 12 (7th grade)...then we started dating for a year or 2 then we'd break up for a few days then get back together. The end of 9th grade (I was a month from being 15) we lost our verginity to eachother. In 10th grade (15) he asked me to marry him (he had a ring and everything) I of course said yes then in the middle of 12th grade (17) I got pregnant! I was over-joyed, then when i was about 2 months pregnant things werent working out and he started dating another girl and let me know one of the times we broke up he slept with another girl and he was sleeping with the girl he was dating now. Being totally heartbroken and paniced because I was carrying his baby I finished school as quickly as I could. I got done a semester early and started college. We got back together when I was 4 months pregnant. Everything was going great (I thought) then it was time for the baby to come we were so excited. I was still living with my parents at the time and we were trying to save up for an apartment. After our son came I asked when we were going to get married, he said he didnt want to get married so i begged and begged him to marry me ( my first BIG mistake) so 2 months later (I was 18) we got married in a courthouse infront of a judge a cop and the judges secretary...lame I know but he didnt want a wedding. We got an apartment about 3 or 4 days b4 we got married. Then when my baby was 10 weeks old I found out the birth controle I was using wasnt working so we found ourselves with baby number 2! we've been married for a year and 4 months and I keep finding out things he has been lying to me about for months and years ago that hes still lying about...i love the heck out of him and i have a 18 and 6 month old with him. I cant leave him but I cant stand to be lied to I need help, advice, anything. He wont go to counceling because "it costs too much" so evien if you know about a free or cheap councelor, that might help ( I hope) I feel bad for being mad at him about lying because he is the only one who works so i should just keep my mouth shut. but im not happy anymore, I just want the same guy I fell in love with back...
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Old 05-07-2010, 02:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wont stop lying to me

But he was never the guy you thought he was. Didn't you write you are finding out about lies he told years ago? So who is the guy you're looking for? The one who was a liar when you didn't know he was a liar? Maybe I didn't understand that part.

I feel bad for being mad at him about lying because he is the only one who works so i should just keep my mouth shut.

It's never okay for a person to lie, and your ire over the lying is understandable. There is nothing to feel bad about. What you're saying is you think you shouldn't be angry because you depend on him. That he works to take care of his family does not give him a blank check for lies.

I can't exactly determine why you feel bad about being angry. Is it that you think you should feel so grateful to him for working that he gets a free pass for lying? Or, is it that you fear he will leave if you express your anger to him? Neither of those should be acceptable to you.

There are two things I hope you will consider doing. One is to go back to college and finish. You did a great job preparing for your baby's arrival and finishing high school early. You knew you had to do it, so you did it. So don't stop there. Get your first degree so that you can ensure that neither your next meal nor your children's stability depends on someone you cannot depend on. You also won't have to be afraid to express your displeasure with your husband's dishonesty. You shouldn't have to be afraid anyway, but I guess you feel you do.

The first thing you should do is find family services in your area. Some of them offer free counseling. Check with the social services department. They can usually offer referrals. Also, check with churches, particularly Catholic churches, in your city. Many offer marriage counseling/couple's counseling and other resources even if you are not a member. I wish you well.
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Old 05-07-2010, 11:03 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wont stop lying to me

Thank you for mentioning places for counceling I made one call and I will hopefully be able to get set up with a date and time tomorrow! I guess your right he has always been a liar I just never put 2 and 2 together and got 4...I know what I need to do and thats leave him hands down. I guess I just cant get the courage to he's my only love and i've been with him for so long imagining a life without him would feel so imcomplete. I am just so lost...after I had my first baby my "friends" all left and my family are always too busy to talk and if they do have time to talk its about themselves. Thank you so much for replying and reading what I felt I had to say! Hopefully my husband will come to counceling with me and we can figure out a way to work things out...
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Old 05-08-2010, 12:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wont stop lying to me

Come on. You can't MAKE someone change. He got coerced into marrying you, he was too young to be married in the first place, you haven't dated anyone else so you are bound to BOTH end up wanting to 'test the waters' sooner or later so you'll start cheating (if he isn't already), you have given up on getting a college degree because you think marriage will solve all your issues...

Just separate, go home and get help for daycare, go back to college, and build up your life the way you should have been doing it. If he's meant to be in your life, he will do so - and you can then let him back in - from a position of strength.
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Old 05-08-2010, 12:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wont stop lying to me

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Just separate, go home and get help for daycare, go back to college, and build up your life the way you should have been doing it. If he's meant to be in your life, he will do so - and you can then let him back in - from a position of strength.


as hard as it is you have to stop trying to make this guy be what you need. let him be who is he. Learn to change yourself into what you need. Focus your energy on you and become what you need.
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Old 05-08-2010, 01:42 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Exclamation Re: My husband wont stop lying to me

First, you have to know you don't need him. Doll, you are young and frightened I'm sure. Imagining myself alone with just my daughter frightens me, but I KNOW I will make it. I have to, she depends on me. I met my husband when I was 18. I knew him for two weeks and moved out of my hometown on a whim. I was scared, but I knew I couldn't screw up with him any worse than I had on my own. I got a stepdaughter on the weekends, I got a house with my own (kind of- it was all his) dishes and furniture. I was quite happily playing house. The whole time I was trying to be the "good girl" I was establishing a role that nine years later is biting me in the ass. Pregnant after only a year he had the nerve to lay next to me in bed and tell me we should just be friends. I hated him. At eight months he begged me back. I wanted to remain independent, but the truth is I was terrified. I didn't like the way he treated me, I didn't like how I always felt like the weaker party. At the time I didn't feel like I had any options. I knew my relationship wasn't healthy, but I convinced myself that I was strong enough to withstand anything he could throw at me while always maintaining a "happy housewife" persona. I thought I could outsmart him and my heart. I knew I did everything the right way and it should have been enough.
I'm telling you now- it does not get easier. I don't want to end my marriage, but I'm not happy in my current state. I have learned so many things since I met him. (good truths, not tricks or ploys) Call him on every lie. You don't have to fight, just acknowledge you know. THe problem is you'll never get an admission. If you choose to stay with him you might have to accept that. Then get smart. If you know he's lying, figure out why. Is it to hurt you? Is he hiding something. Mine lies to make me believe everything is ok when it's not. Decide NOW. Are you gonna stay? Set your boundaries for yourself. Always, always, be ready to leave. He doesn't have to know you think it. He'll twist you up. Maybe he loves you... I hope he does. The best advice I have is to focus on your happiness and your children's happiness. Maybe you need him financially, maybe you start planning now and in time you won't. Listen to any advice you receive, but only, only follow the path that makes you STRONGER in the end.
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Old 05-08-2010, 05:15 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wont stop lying to me

I agree with the PP in that you Must focus on you and your kids. If your Husband is not mature enough to be honest and respectful, then you need to take care of you. You sound like you are already in a position where you feel like because he works and you don't, he has license to treat you any way he wishes. Never put yourelf in this position. Finish school, seek any help you can and make sure if you do break up, you make him support his children. Good luck and please keep us posted.
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Old 05-08-2010, 07:10 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I dont want to change him I want to change the lying. I love him I sencerely do but he is a habitual liar. He agreed to come to counceling with me although he feels our marriage is not at risk. I am going back to college this summer and I am going to finish it out and become a pediatrician. At that time hopefully I can confront him with more bravery instead of always cowering down because im afraid ill have no where for me and my kids to go if he decides he doesnt want to be with me anymore. I really am thinking of only me and my kids at this point, which brings up another reason its so hard to leave. My kids adore him they would be absolutely lost without him. Expecially when he's mad at me, I dont think i've seen a better dad. I know a lot of you think we were way too young in the first place and your probably right but we've been together 8 years, that may not seem like a long time for some of you but for me thats nearly half of my life, its just a lot to throw away i think. Lolalou thank you for making me feel that im not the only one with this problem. I keep saying im going to change and going to just start hanging out and doing things with and for my kids without his approval but I never do because I dont want him mad, but my kids are most important to me and for some reason what you said really made me realize this is real and the only one who can change my life is me no matter what that takes!
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Old 05-08-2010, 07:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wont stop lying to me

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I dont want to change him I want to change the lying.
What exactly do you think his lying IS?

It IS him.

Lying is HIS choice for how to deal with life.

His choice says "I am more important than anyone else. I have the right to be happy and get what I want and who gives a crap if my wife is left at home crying because of what I do?"

I have no room to talk; I've stayed with my husband for 30 years; 25 longer than I should have. So I get it.

But you seem to be thinking that you can change his entire coping strategy - his CORE BELIEF SYSTEM. Just by making him go to a counselor.

How about you spend some time with your own counselor for a while to understand more about how people work, why they do what they do, and what you DO have control over (answer: yourself)? You'll end up a lot happier, once you quit waiting for him to become the husband you wish you had.

fwiw, the only way I think you could get him to become a liar is: (1) you tell him you will NOT stay married to him if you catch him in another lie; (2) you MEAN it and you leave him the next time he lies; and (3) he actually DOES love you more than he thinks he does, so much so that he will be willing to undergo a major life transformation for you.

But, IMO, he will NEVER achieve that level of understanding unless you kick him out first.
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Old 05-08-2010, 10:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wont stop lying to me

I've told him before im going to leave him if he lies again and then when he lies again im too scared to leave, i really have no where to go and I cant kick him out because he pays the bills and if he does decide to leave me for good im left with 2 kids and no job trying to pay rent. Its like I know what to do to get him to change im just trying all of the possibilites that wont leave me and my kids stranded....
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Old 05-08-2010, 10:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wont stop lying to me

Excuse me? Have you even visited a lawyer?

You have rights. He OWES his children money.

Period.
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Old 05-09-2010, 09:18 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I havent been to a lawyer no but I know how this kind of stuff goes. He'll say he isnt going to pay child support and then ill take him to court and then they will start to garnish his wages. but that can be a very long and lengthy process...
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Old 05-10-2010, 09:41 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wont stop lying to me

So...you go through the process and 2 years from now start getting money for your kids...

or...

you DON'T go through the process and 2 years from now you have NOTHING from him.

I'm just asking you to be realistic about what you're talking about. You can WANT all you want, but that doesn't make it so, if the other person doesn't go along with you.
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Old 05-11-2010, 12:21 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wont stop lying to me

Your completely right in 2 years I could have money from him! But that wont help me keep a roof over my childrens heads now. I have no where to go like I have said in almost every one of these posts. So what do I do for now after I kick him out? I'll get evicted and my kids will be taken from me.
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Old 05-11-2010, 10:07 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband wont stop lying to me

You need to educate yourself. You don't lose your kids just because you no longer live with him. You are making this very simplistic, when there are 1000 resources out there (I assume you're in the US) that will help you take care of yourself and your kids. You are making excuses. If you don't want him to leave, just say so, and we'll change direction in the advice we give.
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