How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?
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Old 05-11-2010, 06:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?

Hi. Im new to this site. I am hoping that there is someone out there that can give me some advise.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years, but we are together for 8 years now and we have 2 kids. My problem is that my husband does'nt spend any time with us. He goes to work every morning and comes home and emmidiately starts playing computer games and only goes to bed in the early hours of the morning. I have tried speaking to him about this a million times but he gets so angry and tells me that I want to control his life, which is not something I want to do. He barely speaks to the kids or give attention to them. On top of this he is also a liar. He has some addiction problems and for 8 years he's promising to quit but it never happens. A couple of years ago he started doing that kind of stuff behind my back and when I confronted him he denied everything even though I had proof. He told me that it wasnt his and one of his friends had left it behind one time.
I am sad and lonely most of the time and I miss having a partner that I can share everything with. Our situation got even worse about a year ago when we started working together. Now we see each other 24/7, and its taking its toll on our marriage. We are constantly fighting and shouting at each other and calling each other names. I dont believe that we are giving our children a healthy environment to live in and I believe that they are affected by this. I have thought about leaving him and starting a new life with my kids, but Im not sure if this will be best for my kids as I feel they need a father in their lives.

Is it worth it to have a father in their lives even if it seems he wants nothing do to with them? I want a better life for me and my kids.
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Old 05-11-2010, 07:34 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?

The only thing I needed to hear about was the addiction piece. He cannot be a healthy father to your children if he is actively pursuing his addiction. The addiction rules, and all of the "stuff" that goes with it.

Get to Al Anon or some other support group for partners of addicts. You'll find support, and others that can truly understand what you are going through, in ways no one else can. You will learn skills and coping techniques that may help you stop the yelling, and name calling and gain some peace in your house, but as long as he has the addiction, that is his marriage and family - not you.
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Old 05-11-2010, 09:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?

Video Game addiction is a recent phenomena in our society. While it doesn't have a accepted diagnosis yet, most psychologists do admit it is a real issue. Just like drugs, sex, etc it's used to escape reality in an attempt to fill a void. Below are some sites with information on VGA.

I personally love video games and play when I have time. Between work, my family, etc I am able to play about 6-8 hours per WEEK. Usually after 10 pm when everyone is in bed, that's my time to play. On the weekends I generally don't even get a chance to play. Video games in and of themselves are harmless. It's when they are abused by people is when they become a problem.


Video game addiction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Video Game Addiction - Internet Gaming Addiction

Video Game Addiction
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Old 05-11-2010, 09:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?

I agree with you. His addiction is his life. I realized that a long time ago. Everytime I cought him drinking or found it he always use the excuse that that is the kind of person he is. When we first started dating, it used to be an everyday thing until one day I packed my stuff and left him. He came back 3 weeks later and promised me he had quit. A couple of months later I cought him lying to me and he told me that he only does it now when he feels that life gets him down and that he doesnt have a problem anymore, and its been going on like this for the past 7 years.
Now he has found something else that he can spend his time with and that is his computer games. Its almost like he replaced his drinking with his games just to avoid his family.
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Old 05-11-2010, 09:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?

I myself play Video games every now and then, but I prefer to rather spend that time with my family and as you said Crypsys, on the days I do play I wait until everyone is asleep. And as I said, I feel that his constant playing is just a replacement for his drinking. He does nothing else except go to work and play video games.
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Old 05-11-2010, 10:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?

Sorry, but this is one thing you will have to be adamant about: Either you set a limit of 1 to 2 hours of video each day, or we divorce.

It will NEVER get better, otherwise.

That said, you have to give him a REASON to want to spend time with you. What do you do if he DOES wrench himself free of the game? Is it something he finds pleasure in?
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Old 05-11-2010, 10:41 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?

It may very well be that he's replaced drinking with video games. It's an escape from reality and drinking is only a symptom of having a problem. Perhaps he just hasn't figured out how to deal with reality without having the escape from it.
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:19 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?

I know its something I have to do If i want to be a happier person, but its just so hard to do that, because I know what the answer will be. I know that I have been hanging on to something that will never be as I want it to be.

And as far as doing something else goes, we took the kids to the park a couple of times but that stopped very quickly for no reason at all. Everytime I asked him if we can go he was too busy with his own stuff. We used to go visit our relatives a lot, I cant even remember the last time whe did that. We both like to paint and build stuff, so we started to make a toy chest for the kids and I ended up finishing it alone.

Everything we do as a family or as a couple I end up doing it alone.

He got lost in his own world where theres just no place for me and the kids, and I feel that its time that I accept that.

Thank you all for the great advise. It felt nice being able to talk to someone
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:28 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?

He does it because you LET him do it.

This isn't about him.

It's about what YOU can live with. If you can live with a husband who ignores you for the next 50 years, stay.

If you need a husband who actually cares if you are happy, leave.

Separation or divorce is not always final. And it is often the ONLY wakeup call such a man will hear, before he will be willing to change.
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?

You're welcome Lonel. Keep reaching out to others. Whether you stay with your husband or leave, you'll need support from people who can relate.
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?

I have to say that I'm in similar straits. My husband works long hours for which I am truly appreciative and grateful, but after ten to twelve hours, you'd think that he'd come home immediately. However, he usually sticks around to BS with "the guys" whom he sees and BS's with all day long (I've seen them on the work site, CONSTANT banter). So after another hour with the guys, he comes home and sits in front of the tv, either to watch his shows (which the kids dare not interrupt) or his video games (which I take the girls back to the den to play/watch TV there with them). It's really sad and the girls and I are missing out. We love him very much and want to spend time with him, but every time I try to ask him to come home right away, he blows up at me, claiming that I don't appreciate him. He also has an addiction to pornography, much to my shame. He does not admit it, but he has watched it for up to twelve hours at a time. He doesn't understand that the girls and I need him to be an active part of our family. Tonight, it really blew up and he threatened to leave. There is a part of me (the angry and hurt part) that wanted him to go since it wouldn't make much of a difference, but then the larger part of me wanted him to stay. We talked it out and he said that the guys' wives don't react the way I do. Basically, at least from what I understand of it, he wants me to be someone that I'm not. We've been together 6 1/2 years (Married almost 3) and it's almost like he doesn't know me. It's really sad and the problems compound during the summer months when he's working. He's not a bad person, quite the opposite really. On the weekends, he does stuff with us, but sometimes, he acts resentful and has wistfully talked about "the good old days" before children (which of course, makes me resentful). I'm at a loss of what to do. I love him very much and so do the kids, but this is hurting us. I don't even want to think of the "D" word, but unfortunately, it's crossed my mind. Why can't love be easy? I mean, if people love each other, they're supposed to try to understand and WANT to be with each other and cherish the products of their love TOGETHER.
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Old 07-01-2010, 08:08 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get my husband to spend more time with his family?

We do what makes us feel good and we avoid what makes us feel bad. You make him feel bad. If you want him to WANT to be with you, you have to change that.
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