That is interesting and makes total sense to me & there is a definite distinction between confidence and dominance that can have the opposite effect you're looking for if you misinterpret the two.
Ok let me get this straight. My wife's been kind of cold to me lately so instead of kissing her butt like I've been doing for the last 4-5 months I should give it right back to her? Sounds like a good idea since I've done a ton of nice things lately and got nowhere. She is a hot head going through menopause but I need a new tactic. I recently went back to work after a 4 month lay off so I think my stock has went up some. I quit phoning her unless absolutely necessary. And I haven't said "Honey why are you treating me this way" for a while either. What are some other manly things I can do to get her mouse wheel spinning without pissing her off? She's going on a trip in July for 2 weeks and I want her to miss me not be glad to be rid of me. I am thinking of buying a bike. I haven't had one since before we were married. Something big and loud.
Not cold - just less available. In fact friendly but a different kind of friendly.
How about you make an effort to be more attractive and less available.
More attractive (to her) could be:
- Being more upbeat fun to be around (NOT complimenting her) just fun/playful in a non-sexual way
- Dressing a little nicer
- Light drop of that cologne she likes
- Better haircut
- If there are games/sports/card/board she likes - schedule some of that
Less available:
- Go to the gym more/longer
- Go do something new - takes you out of the house
- Don't do things that are going to put you in proximity of other women/younger women/drunk women
When at home make a conscious effort to compliment TASKS she completes well - nice dinner - say thanks - if she bought something nice for the house - same thing.
Back WAY OFF on initiating:
- I love you
- You are beautiful/sexy etc
- Hugs
- Massages if you normally give them - make em good but short or tell her you are tired and would like one from HER
- Giving her sexy looks, or making sexual comments to her/about her
- Initiating sex (don't initiate - just be patient and ignore it - like it is not an option) unless SHE initiates in which case don't say much just start undressing
- Gifts
- Dinners out, etc
If she says/does those things to you - respond warmly. But don't overdo it or seem relieved/anxious. If she says ILY, you can always smile or wink at her. If she hugs - don't seem relieved and DON'T hug longer than she does.
If she gets *****y/nasty with you - just calmly disengage. "You seem upset/angry, and I don't like your tone so lets talk later" and get up and walk away.
If your new job is stressful don't vent with her... Tell her the funny stories from your day and keep the bad stuff to a minimum unless you can even make those parts funny also. Just say "I am glad to be contributing financially again"
Quote:
Originally Posted by jhef83
Ok let me get this straight. My wife's been kind of cold to me lately so instead of kissing her butt like I've been doing for the last 4-5 months I should give it right back to her? Sounds like a good idea since I've done a ton of nice things lately and got nowhere. She is a hot head going through menopause but I need a new tactic. I recently went back to work after a 4 month lay off so I think my stock has went up some. I quit phoning her unless absolutely necessary. And I haven't said "Honey why are you treating me this way" for a while either. What are some other manly things I can do to get her mouse wheel spinning without pissing her off? She's going on a trip in July for 2 weeks and I want her to miss me not be glad to be rid of me. I am thinking of buying a bike. I haven't had one since before we were married. Something big and loud.
I grew up with a controlling, dominant father who felt a woman's place was barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. That a woman should not make decisions in the marriage. He even picked out my mom's clothes. It drove a huge wedge between and was one of the major reasons she started drinking and eventually left him.
Though I do not feel that it excuses her from drinking. But I can see how it was a temporary escape.
So no, I do not want a dominant man. I do want a man though who is confident, strong and capable of being a mature responsible adult.
I do not see that as being dominant.
I don't want a man who is going to say "we do this my way or the highway" I do want a man who is willing to discuss major issues in the relationship such as money, jobs, savings, where to live ect...
I don't want a man who is a weeping willow whose's feelings are always on display. I do want a man though, who is willing to talk with me and discuss his emotions, his dreams, his hopes who is willing to share himself with his wife and close friends and family.
OK I'll give it a try. Honestly I thought after you got married you were done with the head games. Thought it was OK to be yourself and all that. I don't know what she finds attractive now. I'm 6' 185 lbs. tanned from years of working outside. I do have some bad frown lines from the sun which make me look too serious but I'm working on those. I might need to add a big old beer gut and a beard to get her attention?
I think women are turned on by dominance, but they don't want to live with it 24/7. That is to say, the love a rugged man's man for sure, but they don't want to be controlled for more than a few minuets at a time.
Think: Harrison Ford
In short, fantasy figure.
The 'dominant man' wish is exactly, and I mean exactly, equivalent to the male desire for an orgy with the Swedish Bikini Team, or to be able to sleep around and still have his wife/girlfriend loyal and waiting. On a more diluted scale it's like a guy who fantasizes about his wife doing a whole bunch of things he wouldn't really like if she really did them, because fantasy and reality don't usually mix well.
(The question being whether he realizes he wouldn't really like it in reality.)
It's a natural biological desire/impulse that more often than not can't and should not be indulged, or is best indulged carefully.
When this particular subject comes up, my answer is always the same. Women say they want something, until they actually get it.
Not just women, that's humans. And there's a huge amount of truth in it, because it's so very, very easy to forget that reality never works like fantasy, sexual, romantic, or otherwise. Whatever it is you want, how long you've wanted it, or why you want it, the reality will be different than the expectation. It may be disappointing and not as good as you expected, it may even be better than you expected, it will be different than you expected.
At the end of the day isn't a rugged masculine dominant man what we really want deep down?
Someone who's not too nice, too kind too gentle, not too in touch with their "feminine side", someone who will protect us, provide for us (whether we work or not) and most importantly won't let us walk all over him and knows how to take charge and make women respect them instead of whining that we don't and should?
As far as I know, you earn respect, you make people respect you, you can't just demand to be respected when you do nothing to deserve it.
We all want that perfect person who can fill all our voids, whatever they may be.
Women and men want confident, capable partners who automatically know what we need, and who will provide it without question.
We yearn for that, and when they don't give us what we need, we blame them, we assume it's because they are lacking something, either confidence, sensitivity/empathy, strength or whatever.
Is every woman wanting to be submissive and is searching for a partner who can be her dominant? I don't think so. Are many women searching for that 'perfect' partner, and in their mind, they're picturing that guy on the cover of some erotica novel? Probably.
To be dominant is to be an *******, to be confident is to be smart and in control. It's the difference between a jerk in a nightclub and Indiana Jones.
It has not been my experience that being like her is any better or worse than not being like her. In my house 'dominant' just means you volunteered to do more chores. I think what women want is employees not partners.
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As a WOMAN - no, I personally am not attracted to a domineering man.
All of us WOMEN are not the same, just as all of the MEN aren't.
I am very dominant myself and am more attracted to a kind, loving, sensitive, quiet man.
My husband of the last 26 years is quiet and used to be loving, kind and sensitive - but not so much anymore - part of this is probably 26 years (people grow up and change) and part of it has to due with the brain damage caused by his TBI.
It's one of the reasons that we have been having issues is BECAUSE he is not the kind, quiet, loving, sensitive man I used to be married to.
He has become more dominant, insensitive, etc., and I DON'T LIKE IT.
So we are not all cut from the same cloth.
Some of us truly do like and respect the "nice guys."
and part of it has to due with the brain damage caused by his TBI.
I think this discounts your perspective in this discussion a little.
TBI is a much greater and harder issue than merely who is taking the lead in the relationship. It's not really a dominance and submission sort of issue anymore. TBI is very hard going.
__________________
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is available to buy! Love, Sex, Nice Guys, Alpha, Beta, Dealing With Cheating, Oneitis, Sexless Marriages, Sex Rank, Body Agenda, Sexy Moves, Seduction Skills and more! 344 pages of high quality practical information. The MMSL Primer Book
I think this discounts your perspective in this discussion a little.
TBI is a much greater and harder issue than merely who is taking the lead in the relationship. It's not really a dominance and submission sort of issue anymore. TBI is very hard going.
Hang in there.
I realize that.
My main point being - he was not dominant when I married him and this is the type of man I prefer.
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Re: Do women want a dominant man? 
