Re: Need Advice from a Woman's Perspective...
Hi Paul,
I can tell you from my perspective, I want my husband to come to me when he has issues, not take them outside of our marriage or keep them to himself to fester. For me, issues related to our sex life are very private and I'd be very uncomfortable if he spoke to family and friends about problems without coming to me. I also know he is hesitant to talk to me because I'm very sensitive (ok big baby) but we are both working on that.
I can understand why she is feeling betrayed. If she feels that she is the one person you know you can turn to and share your feelings you will have the closeness and emotional connection that has been missing. Since this is all new for you within the relationship, make it clear to her that your goal is to change that because you WANT her to be the one you talk to because you need and miss the closeness but that it is difficult because you love her and do not want to hurt her feelings or cause any arguments (which is why talking to an outsider is easier)
Don't feel you've made a bad decision by opening up. In time, these discussions will be easier to take in. If you keep things in, your feelings and your marriage will stay on auto pilot. Choosing to speak is speaking volumes to me. That your marriage is a high priority and you want to make it the best possible, even if it means bringing up difficult issues. I would much rather have my feelings hurt temporarily and be able to do something to address the issue then not even know about it and have him share it with someone else because he's frustrated.
Confrontation actually helps people look at themselves and hopefully make positive change. I think of in a restaurant when you don't like the meal and the waitress asks "how is everything" and my response is "fine"...they would probably rather hear the truth so they can improve the dish, talk to the cook, whatever rather than have me leave thinking I don't want to eat there again.
So, she feels betrayed. That gives you the opportunity to decide what to do next. You could apologize for making her feel that way, but that's the very thing you are trying to get past. What about just letting her feel hurt and betrayed and just be understanding? You could have some discussion along the lines of "I understand why you feel betrayed. Opening up about how I feel is new to me and I do want you to be the one I talk to so I hope you will be patient with me and I will plan to keep the marriage discussions between us and open up to others in situations that involve them."
I sort of feel like the blind leading the blind here because this is not my strong area either but I can certainly relate.
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