My wife and I have been married 16 years and for about the past 9 years, our marriage has lacked intimacy and complete closesness. Everything is fine on a day to day basis, but I feel like we are roomates more then husband and wife. There is no passion or emotion in our marriage. Also, our sex life is pathetic (twice in 08).
Everything came to a head recently when my best friend's wife passed away from cancer and my wife gave me no emotional support during this. Ultimately, I ended up becoming very close to someone to talk to and we ended up having an emotional affair (has now stopped) The woman I became close to opened up my eyes to see what I was really missing in life and made me realize what it could be like with someone who is passionate.
I am 43, my wife is 45, and I don't think it is a mid-life crisis thing. I am currently going through counseling and I do want my marriage to work but if it doesn't, I think I could be happier with someone else because I am very unhappy now.
I guess my question is...am I expecting too much from my wife?
Paul, your situation is so classic; millions of people have been through what you are going through. After a few years of marriage it can seem like a married couple are just room mates. You don't feel like you can be tender with your wife, but here is your friends widow, and what you need to feel to a woman, you can feel for her. You say your emotional affair is over; make sure it is. This is going to probably hurt a bit, but you have to woo your wife back into your loving arms. It's going to take awhile, and she won't get the hint for awhile. If your wife is like most women, she wants you to do it, but won't go out on an emotional limb and ask for it. You persist, and maybe the woman you fell in love with will make a comeback.
My story was exactly the same. I didn't go looking for someone else, but the other man was there when I didn't feel like I had a friend in my husband anymore. My husband and I needed a huge wake-up call. We definitely got it with my confession! I came to realize that I hadn't been in love with the other guy at all. I was in love with the fairytale that he represented. I was trying to create something with him that I desperately wanted with my husband. Counseling has done wonders for us. Try going on your own to see if a counselor can help you to refocus on your marriage. Then, try to persuade your wife to go with you. You have to resolve the problems with your wife. If not, you'll just be going through those same problems with someone else a few years from now.
You have to resolve the problems with your wife. If not, you'll just be going through those same problems with someone else a few years from now.
There does tend to be a lot of passion with someone you first meet and are attracted to, but it does eventually fade. It definitely does sound like you need to reconnect with your wife. I would recommend reading the 5 Love Languages by Chapman and see if you can reignite the spark within your marriage.
Thanks for the advice! Mommy22, I am going to a counselor on my own (will only be 2nd time this week) to seek some help.
I guess I was so hurt that my wife wasn't emotionally there for me when my best friend's wife had died. In my mind I am thinking, what is the point of married to her when she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most?? The woman whom I had the emotional affair with actually pushed me away and told me to concentrate on my wife. I just so feel alone in this marriage.
Day to day, life seems OK but I am really miserable inside until this can get resolved. Thanks again for listening.
Hello. Wet blanket here ...
Paul, is your spouse aware that you are going to counseling? Is she even vaguely aware that you perceive that there are significant issues with the relationship?
I have come here recognizing that the advice, and perspectives offered are all going to be colored by the experiences of those providing insight. That's pretty much the way people work. It's a good thing. I fundamentally believe that nobody wants to see someone else hurt, in any capacity.
However, where others may counsel communication, efforts to reconnect, work at being a better partner ... I make the assumption that by the time someone has come here - they have tried most of those inarguably positive steps.
I know all too well that it takes two, to address whatever challenges you face as a couple. The problems deepen if you discover that only one of you believes there are problems. Or, if only one of you is invested in addressing those problems.
So, here is my obscure analogy; "Use a hammer instead of a pillow to drive a nail home."
If your wife is open to the steps that you are taking, and even if reluctantly - is willing to participate in counseling or working to repair the marriage, then go that route.
If as in my case, it is easier for your spouse to avoid, dismiss, or belittle your desire to repair the rift and rediscover intimacy, try something less subtle to gauge her investment in your marriage:
Ask if she is aware of why you have chosen to go to counseling. If her response is luke-warm, and is along the lines of 'because you think we have problems.' or, 'because you're not happy ..'
you can emphasize the impact, urgency and gravity of the situation by telling her, what is ultimately the truth: "I am going to counseling to determine if I want to remain married to you."
That statement is far more about an outcome than something as intangible as working through feelings.
Many here may think it harsh, but it drives the point home. After putting it in those terms you will know if your spouse is with you, or not.
I have to say that i am having some of the thoughts that Deejo is having...
Have you spoken to your wife about all this? There is a toouch of 'grass is greener' about your post regarding the 'other' woman... Perhaps your wife is also unhappy about the emotional aspect of your marriage. You should be going to counselling together.
I guess I was so hurt that my wife wasn't emotionally there for me when my best friend's wife had died. In my mind I am thinking, what is the point of married to her when she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most??
Hi Paul,
I can relate to that. There were a few critical times within my 1st marriage that I really needed his support and he wasn't there for me. Each time, my resentment towards him grew. I'm glad you are trying to sort this out and I hope you are able to reconnect with your wife. She should be the one there supporting you & I hope in your case she will be and will put forth more effort into your marriage.
When I suggested he go to counseling alone first, my thoughts were that he needs to decide what he wants. Paul, you sound pretty unsure right now. You need someone to help you put things in perspective. I will say from experience, if the other woman is suggesting you try to work through things with your wife, it's her gentle way of pushing you away. She may be doing that out of guilt or she may not feel as strongly about you as you do her. My guess is that if you choose to leave your wife for her, she's gonna bail. Trust me, I tried the gentle tactic in trying to end things with the other man. I even used the same words that the other woman is using with you. It didn't work. I finally had to be blunt with him and tell him I no longer wanted him in my life. As for what someone else said-- that you had probably tried everything else-- I don't see that to be the case. Many people come to these boards as their first cry for help outside of trying to work through things with their spouse. I hadn't yet sought counseling when I first posted here. I needed someone to help me see things more clearly, someone to convince me that my marriage was worth the fight. Paul, your wife might have some issues or even secrets of her own. I think you see it as worth the fight, so fight. If it blows up in your face, at least you can say you gave it all you've got. I do agree that you may have to be blunt with her. People often don't get it when you sugarcoat things. However, I wouldn't come at her with ultimatums. Choose your words carefully, but let her know the seriousness of the situation. I will say that intercourse only twice in 6 months is unacceptable unless there are health issues. My husband can't even go two days! She needs to know how that has made you feel. Counseling has given us an outlet by which to vent our feelings in a much more constructive manner. I don't feel like anyone should give up on marriage until they've exhausted all avenues. I've had to learn this the hard way. If you don't try, you may always ask yourself what if...?
Thanks everyone again for all of your support!! You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
Basically my wife feels there are absolutely no issues in our marriage and I have explained to her I am going to counseling because I want our marriage to be better and stronger. As far as the "other woman," she has pushed me away because she wants her marriage to work and obviously I respect that. I still deal with her on a business level and when I talked to her today about business, we both admitted how difficult it is not being able to talk to each other like we once did.
Deejo, you are right, I am going to counseling to determine if I ultimately want to be married to my wife. Don't get me wrong, I do love her and divorce is a very last option, but something needs to give.
On the surface, my wife is a very nice person. However, she has no emotion, patience, and tolerance with others. I openly asked her why no sex, and her response was there won't be any until I am back to "normal?" What the h...???
I have tried talking to my wife to determine if she is unhappy or if there is anything I can do, and I get nowhere and she denies anything is wrong. If there is anything positive about this whole thing, I have become closer to my parents.
Again, thanks everyone for the advice. This whole thing is very very difficult for me. I meet with my counselor again Thurs. after work and will keep you posted.
The passion that people say they seek, is not sustainable in a sane human. Our brain's chemistry settles down when a person becomes familiar, and that feeling of butterflies in th gut, which is a form of anxiety, goes away.
This is why it is wise to find common interests that don't focus on the two of you, but add a third component. Shared goals fill this void.
What goals do you and your wife share outside of raising children, if you have any?
Sometimes it is better to look at what is directly in front of us before we seek counseling.
What did she mean by "normal"? Have you asked her?
Since this lack of passion seems to be common, perhaps your marriage is normal, and your upset is linked to your keen awareness of your mortality, brought on by your friend's loss.
Before you start looking for easy fixes, I suggest you actually write your thoughts down. The information you come up with may help you formulate suggestions to present to your wife.
Many people have complaints, confront their spouse with them, and then never come up with solutions.
In your shoes, I would try to come up with solutions before I went to counseling.
Well, after meeting with my counselor last week, the main issue I have is that I need to face my feelings myself and convey those feelings to my wife.
When I have started to talk to her about things, I find myself apologizing to avoid any potential conflict. My counselor had suggested that I need to think about myself first, let my feelings do the talking instead of my brain and go from there. Please wish me luck.....
Well, after meeting with my counselor last week, the main issue I have is that I need to face my feelings myself and convey those feelings to my wife.
When I have started to talk to her about things, I find myself apologizing to avoid any potential conflict. My counselor had suggested that I need to think about myself first, let my feelings do the talking instead of my brain and go from there. Please wish me luck.....
Thanks,
Paul
Hi Paul,
It sounds as though your meeting went well and your counselor has given you good advice. I have also been working on confronting my husband (and others) when things bother me and I normally avoid conflict/confrontation, but confronting it head on is sometimes the only way to get the results we want.
I wish you the best and truly believe if you put the effort into this you will see results. It has made a big difference for me and if I didn't start talking about my feelings I can be pretty sure that my marriage would have ended and I would have continued to keep things to myself in future relationships and gotten the same results.
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