Womens sexual attraction towards men, please help

flatterpuss · 05-26-2010, 06:22 PM

Ctn594 - have you had sex with your wife throughout the years? I take it as a yes.

Have you had passionate sex?? I am a woman, and the thing about women is that we often say things in the heat of the moment and we respond to EMOTION. Men are much simpler. Their word can more likely be counted on.

Did your wife say this in the heat of the moment?? Had you had a fight recently? Or has sex been off the cards recently?

cb45 · 05-26-2010, 09:33 PM

oh my........what a mess.

-----------------------------------cb45

Ctn594 · 05-27-2010, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flatterpuss

Ctn594 - have you had sex with your wife throughout the years? I take it as a yes.

Have you had passionate sex?? I am a woman, and the thing about women is that we often say things in the heat of the moment and we respond to EMOTION. Men are much simpler. Their word can more likely be counted on.

Did your wife say this in the heat of the moment?? Had you had a fight recently? Or has sex been off the cards recently?

Yes we have sex. She spelled it out to me that only because I wanted it and never did I turn her on. She has hinted this for the last few years, but always took back what she was saying at the very end. Now she told me she did this because I couldn't handle the truth. She is right about that. She would give me oral sex or sex on my request a couple times a month. Two months ago we had a nice encounter after she drank two glasses of wine. First time in the relationship she let me go down on her. I was happy as a pig in **** for weeks after that.

She says she has only climaxed through masterbation. At least I was involved with stimulating the chest, but during an agrument months ago she even told me that did nothing for her. I do look back at those moments and did feel i was involved and make her feel good a little bit. She has told me she has tried to make it happen between us, but nothing has worked. She is a type of person that never lets anything go and keeps it harbored inside of her for ever. She says she wishes she didn't feel this way at all because everything else is good between us.

Ctn594 · 05-27-2010, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Susan2010

Okay, here we go. I have tried to be diplomatic about some things, and some things I have not addressed at all out of concern for your feelings. But it seems whatever I do say, you are not listening to me. And, in that same vein, you have spent your marriage not listening to your wife. To tell the truth, not listening is very common for men, and they don't know the problems and unhappiness it causes their wife and in return, it causes problems and unhappiness for them. Invariably, they blame the wife without realizing the problems, lack of sex, arguments, etc. are of their own making. So, here it is, everything I want to say to you. I hope you will finally get the message. Incidentally, either you have been ignoring them or simply not listening but just in case you do not know, underlined words/phrases of a different color are links. Please CLICK and READ them.

As I explained before, your wife has in her mind the concept of what marriage means to her. And then, you came along and made promises to fulfill her dreams and to be her image of an ideal husband, father, and provider. No doubt you tried and for all I know, her expectations might not be practical or attainable, but still you promised and now she feels you have failed her. Right now, she is looking at her life and reflecting on the past 16 years, and she realizes the marriage not only failed to reach any particular pinnacle standard of success but also has not flourished sexually, financially, emotionally, or material-wise. There is a lot she wants, a lot she expects, and there's even a lot she will settle for, but she is looking around and looking back only to discover she has settled for everything and not received any of what she needs and wants. That is a GREAT big turnoff. She feels there is no area in her life that yields satisfaction, so she has checked out and shut down from disappointment. But, you can win her back if you want to. Stop looking at it in terms of you working on it together. Stop expecting her. She is not going to make any effort because she has checked out. She is looking at you talking and feels that is all you have done because, after all, she is looking around but doesn't see any progress, so she's lost faith. As was stated before, this is entirely up to you. You can do it but you have to make the effort alone to win her back. You have to step up and live up to your promises.

On another note, sexual attraction usually has little to do with a person's appearance. Yes, people are more readily attracted to people they deem good looking, or perhaps there is something about a person that attracts them especially. Initial attraction, however, can quickly fizzle, as I mentioned has been my experience. Conversely, if a woman is not initially attracted to a man, it doesn't mean she can never become sexually attracted to him. To compensate for initial lack of attraction, a man's prowess in bed can keep her coming back for more. This also has been my experience. In fact, the man who blew my mind in bed, taught me everything I know about sex and everything I know about my body was not the typical looking guy I was accustomed to dating. He was very much over weight and not good looking by anyone's standard. Although I was not at all sexually attracted to him, he was kind, intelligent, had a great smile, and possessed many other qualities that appealed to me. Therefore, he was no less a candidate for my affections than anyone much better looking. Then when we made love the first time, he had me hooked almost entirely. I couldn't keep my hands off him after that. It was at that point I became sexually attracted to him. Had he not been skillful and considerate, no doubt I would have rejected the notion of him as a lover even though I would still appreciate his many other attributes.

I'm beginning to feel like a broken record to keep saying the same thing to so many men who complain about their wife's lack of sexual desire. Men seem to think that because sex is a pleasurable act, that it automatically feels good to the woman since it feels good to the man. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Penetrating a woman and being inside her feels good to a man, but the man has to learn how to make it feel good to the woman. He cannot automatically assume that it does. Some couples have it going on that good but most couples don't. It is of utmost importance that you sharpen your skills in the bedroom to be the best possible lover that you can be. Following are some articles and videos to help you understand what women need most.

Note: I did not and would not link to any pornography but if you find any at this site and watch it, that is up to you. I linked only to instructional videos.

Oral sex techniques

G-Spot Massage

G-Spot Positions

A-Spot Massage

Susan at this point I'm not even thinking of what I could do to improve my sexual prowness with her. I've learned over the years what to do and not to do and seriously believe I could make a woman climax if she was sexually attracted to me.

Yesterday I sat down with her and told her I thought I tried everything to make you happy, but the one thing I haven't tried is not to expect affection and sex from you. Moving forward I will not expect this (God damn I really need help finding serious ways not to) from you. I did add in (which probable wasn't a wise thing) that I only need support from you when I'm down and not be the burden that you make me feel. She agreed. Unfortunately throughout the night watching TV, laying down going to bed all I thought about was all the signs and arguements we had over this throughout the years which of course wanted to either jump of a bridge or through her off because she has caused all this pain.

Ctn594 · 05-27-2010, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cody5

You need to start getting your physical and emotional needs filled elsewhere. Life's too short and she's NOT going to suddenly profess her love and atraction to you. You need someone to want you. Go find it. It WON'T happen at home. Sorry. Put your energies towards an endeavor that has a chance of working. I'll leave it up to you if you want to let her know what's ging on. If you want to be petty, you can look at it that she owes you 16 years of keeping a big secret from her.

Good luck. Sorry. Again, I'm living it right now.

Cody this all spiraled out of control Tuesday afternoon. Tuesday night I signed up for a dating site. So far 5 woman contacted me, 2 of which we have sent emails back and forth and i know have their phone numbers. Yesterday I talked to my wife and removed the for sale sign on the house. Now all of these woman think I'm still in the early stages of divorce, but maybe I'm not. I need to be honest with them as well, but If I do find someone who is right for me then who knows...

Susan2010 · 05-27-2010, 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ctn594

I've learned over the years what to do and not to do and seriously believe I could make a woman climax if she was sexually attracted to me.

That makes no sense whatsoever.

amanda1959 · 05-27-2010, 10:24 AM

wine=oral sex
dating websites+for sale sign=confusion

pick one

cb45 · 05-27-2010, 09:56 PM

hey was that a
cheap merlot or a pinot noir de blanc ??

and....re: the 4 sale sign, best put around yer neck when

sitting for yer website pic, no es verdad ??(dont u agree)

---------------------------------------cb45

Ctn594 · 05-28-2010, 09:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Susan2010

That makes no sense whatsoever.

Susan I guess by you making that comment about it not making sense has me thinking. I was trying to say if a woman has sexual feelings for me I believe I have what it takes to make it happen in the bedroom. Foreplay, thinking about the woman 1st and what to do to stimulate her.

From your point of view if I never could create the passion before the sexual act with my wife or for that matter with other woman it doesn't matter at all how I perform in the bedroom. Am I right?

Now I'm really looking for any glimmer of hope that one day she will feel something sexual for me with me finding out her love language. Does masterbating infront of me or wanting to stimulate her chest during this a good sign or giving me oral sex a couple times a month? I know she isn't doing it for her, but can I at least look at it as she isn't vomitting or refusing at all to do it? Even having sex with me after having a few drinks?

Thanks for the advice.

Mrs. Spice · 05-28-2010, 10:59 AM

This is not about sex. You are not meeting her emotional needs. A woman is sexually aroused by a man who meets her emotional needs. The fact that she is not attracted to you, I guarantee, has 90% to do with what you are not giving her outside of the bedroom. If you can find a way to make her feel loved IN THE WAY SHE NEEDS YOU TO, she will become putty in your hands. Trust me.

The first thing you need to do is set your wants/needs aside and learn what SHE NEEDS. Do everything you can to meet those needs, and things will turn around.

Be patient. It will take a lot of work, especially at first, because the pattern you have set up in your current relationship will make her skeptical of anything you try. But hang in there, and it will be worth it! You'll see.

Ctn594 · 05-28-2010, 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs. Spice

This is not about sex. You are not meeting her emotional needs. A woman is sexually aroused by a man who meets her emotional needs. The fact that she is not attracted to you, I guarantee, has 90% to do with what you are not giving her outside of the bedroom. If you can find a way to make her feel loved IN THE WAY SHE NEEDS YOU TO, she will become putty in your hands. Trust me.

The first thing you need to do is set your wants/needs aside and learn what SHE NEEDS. Do everything you can to meet those needs, and things will turn around.

Be patient. It will take a lot of work, especially at first, because the pattern you have set up in your current relationship will make her skeptical of anything you try. But hang in there, and it will be worth it! You'll see.

Mrs Spice thank you very much for the advice. Do you feel this is still true since she said she never found me sexually attractive since day 1? She said I was good looking and nice, but she didn't want to rip my clothes.

Now today I had a long nice 1 hour conversation with her. I told her that since I met her 19 years ago I always felt that I wasn't good enough for her and maybe my insecurities about her were very apparent and she was turned off by them. She didn't say a word one way or another about what she doesn't find attractive about me. I'm thinking to myself that because of this I also wanted her to proclaim her love to me through affection and sex and pushed the envelope way to much. I also told her that after are inititial agruement and when I made a quick decision to put the house up for sale that I joined a dating site and within 48 hours I had a great number women who were interested, but with each interaction from the woman I found out that I wanted to work it out with her more then ever and not start a new life with a different woman. She didn't really seem to care, but told me that you didn't see her look for guys when she was frustrated. Shen then told me that she is unhappy and feels like something is missing in her life, but she doesn't know what. She said she knows its just not leaving her co-workers at work and having no one to speak to. I asked her if she thinks its me. She said she don't know. I told her to go out for the evening and see if she even feels a little bit of missing me, alot or couldn't care less. She then said why do you think its you, why can't it be something else? I told her you did say you were never sexually attracted to me, but I also added that its been along time since I saw her happy. She agreed and doesn't know since when. I added that she did say a few months ago that the last time she was happy was after the birth of our third kid. She got bad because I was putting words in her mouth. I didn't want to agrue so I just left it at that. Funny thing about this is during the last 2 months since she left work I asked her (maybe in not the nicest way) why she was unhappy, rude or moody and I got a **** full from her that I'm always trying to dig when there is nothing there. Well what do you know I was right all along. I asked her if there was anything I could do to help just ask. She says she knows she should be happy. She has a husband who cares, 3 lovely kids, a nice house and doesn't even have to think of working for the next year or so, but doesn't know why. Why doesn't the female mind just say I do have all of that and my husband is decent looking so lets just ****! Why the drama? It doesn't also help that my wife just finished reading a book about a lady that traveled 3 continents to find happiness with some wonderful guy. Why do females always have such high expectations when it comes to falling romantically in love, with fireworks going off as they drive into the sunset. Why not appreciate what the your currently have and try to explain to your spouse what makes you happy emotionally and sexually.

Overall I got a cold distant response, but like most on her told me was not to expect anything from her. So for once in this relationship I didn't and let her be. I guess the good part of the conversation was that I mentioned a number of things I needed to work on in the relationship and I never got any agruements from her or why couldn't you of done this sooner or its too late.

Well later tonight (9pm) one of my kids, her and me were watching TV. I closed my eyes for a minute and she disappeared. At 9:15pm a found her laying doen in bed. I crawled in bed with her and asked her if she was going to bed. She said why not, there is nothing to do. Normally she goes to bed around 12midnight to 2am. I suggested she take a ride to a store to go shopping. She said no. I asked her if she wanted to take a ride to the new casino that I will be working at shortly? She said no. I asked her to go out to a diner for a desert? She said no. I asked her to take a walk? She said no. I asked her if she wanted me to leave her alone? She said yes. So I left nicely and closed the door.

One other thing the other day she said I try to spend more time with just her then with our whole family involved. So yesterday the whole family decided that we would go on a small 2 day vacation next Thursday and Friday of next week to the Philadelphia Zoo and Hershey Park. I even purchased 5 tickets to Saturday's Bon Jovi concert for all of us as a surprise. This should go over well since the wife hates concerts, but my three sons love Bon Jovi. I thought it would be a fun family evening.

Well wish me luck.

michzz · 05-28-2010, 11:25 PM

She wants nothing to do with you, it has nothing to do with the specific thing you propose to do: shopping, concerts, etc.

If you say up she will say down. If you say left, she will go right.

You only are in her head as an invasion.

I think you ought to reassess your strategy.

Ass-kissing is not working for you.

Kobo · 06-03-2010, 10:13 AM

Listen to Mich. How are you going to fill someone's needs if she isn't attracted to you? Why would you want someone to give you pity sex? Time to grow a pair. Your happiness is just as important as hers except she has no concern about your "emotional needs" by telling you she has never been that in to you. Work on yourself. Go back to doing that hobby you gave up to spend more time around the house. Pick up a couple more hobbies while your at it. Take a weekend trip with your friends.
Posted via Mobile Device

NicoleT · 06-04-2010, 09:02 AM

Sisters359 totally nailed the aspect of attraction in a woman on the head for me. "If I'm sexually attracted I'm fantasizing". Thanks for putting it so eloquently *kudos*

turnera · 06-04-2010, 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ctn594

I know but its hard not to think she feels something for me.

She has said she has never had an orgasm with intercourse with me only thru masturbating with me helping out, but I'm sure I wasn't doing anything exciting for her.

Neither have I, but my husband makes sure I do in OTHER ways - ALWAYS - before he gets what he wants.

If you're sure you weren't doing anything exciting...well, why not?

Come on, be creative! ALWAYS put her first! LISTEN to what she wants, and do it!

All that aside, she is obviously not happy with you in general. And no amount of SF is going to make up for it, no matter how great you are with the SF. As Mrs. Spice has already told you,

Quote:

A woman is sexually aroused by a man who meets her emotional needs. The fact that she is not attracted to you, I guarantee, has 90% to do with what you are not giving her outside of the bedroom. If you can find a way to make her feel loved IN THE WAY SHE NEEDS YOU TO, she will become putty in your hands. Trust me.

Don't just walk away from the marriage. There is a lot YOU can do to make HER happy, so that she WANTS to make YOU happy with SF.

Has anyone advised you to get the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from marriagebuilders.com yet? Print them out and ask her to fill them out. They are your guidebook on how to make her care.