Ctn594

Well I have a long thread on my situation in the sex forum. Bottom line is my wife of 16 years and know her for 19 years as just told me that she has NEVER had any sexual attraction towards me since the day we met. NEVER!

Is this something that could be fixed by me finding the specific needs of love that she needs or should I just pack up and move on? We have three kids and i want to work on it, but it appears that she doesn't. She doesn't want to go to counselling or read any books about love or passion.

Please help...

cody5

At least you got your wife to admit it. And no, she's gone. If it wasn't there when your relationship was young and exciting, it won't be there now. I'm living it right now. It sucks, doesn't it?

sisters359

I can only speak for myself, but I'm not attracted to just any guy. A lot of good-looking guys don't turn me on, or guys who are good-looking AND awesome people. It has nothing to do with them; it has to do with what I find sexually attractive. It has a lot to do with a combination of their looks/sound/smell, and looks alone is almost irrelevant--I can look at someone totally gorgeous and it's like looking at a beautiful painting--no turn on whatsoever.

I think that a lot of women make the mistake of thinking that being responsive to a guy when he starts making moves is the same thing as being attracted to him. It's not. When I'm attracted, I want to rip off his clothes and do things to him; I fantasize about him, etc. If I'm not sexually fantasizing about a guy, I'm not attracted to him. The sex will generally be ok, but I'll have a "take it or leave it" kind of attitude about it. Add to that the normal frustrations of married life, and I will just want to "leave it."

If your wife has been having sex with you w/o attraction and despite feeling resentment, the sex with you has many negative connotations.

She has no right, however, to blame you. If you choose not to live without sex, then of course you must leave since she's not interested in sex with you. She is being extremely selfish to think you'd want to stay in such a charade of a marriage. She is not to blame for not being attracted to you, either, however--she can't help that. She made a mistake in trying to make it work with you--and remember, you married a woman who clearly wasn't head-over-heels sexually turned on by you. Both of you were not aware of the issues, and sadly, it is time to end this marriage. Part friends--do not resent what the other cannot give you. She cannot give you the desire you need her to feel; you cannot give her the sacrifice of a sex life. It's ok. No one has any right to judge you and if you stay kind to one another--or no worse than business-like--your kids will be ok. Read "The Healthy Divorce" and other things about helping kids weather a divorce. Go to the county "Children of Divorce" seminar together, and learn more, then keep the kids in the center as you dissolve the marriage.

cb45

i generally agree w/ most of what i read here, 'cept.......

she hasnt cheated, as far as we know.

she hasnt been truthfull. big problem. is she being
truthful now? or is she speaking up now 'cuz shes
upset/resentful over something she hasnt stated?

these parts are fixable, i think, and not worthy of
divorce. u have some communication sessions
to come, best w/ a counselor to ref over, as it may
become nasty.



peace---------------------------------------cb45

Susan2010

I read your other thread and saw that most responses made such an issue about your wife's job, but it's not about the job. It's about what you represent to your wife. In this instance, you told her to quit her job, a job she hated having to work. In doing so, you triggered something in her psyche that caused the dopamine to flow. It's like a high. That particular consideration for her on your part was her dope. Not realizing what you actually did, you thought it was all about her not having to work anymore. But again, it wasn't about the job. She didn't necessarily hate the job. She hated that she had to go work. In other words, you were promising to step up to the plate. For her, the plate is you having a job and taking care of your family the way she needs you to, the way she thinks you should. So that promise restored the image and respect she wants to have of you being husband, father, and provider.

So what happened when you told her to quit her job?...................

But shortly after, reality set in and what happened then?..................

Just like the respondents in your other thread, you keep making this whole issue about her job and quitting her job, but maybe you didn't read Turnera's response in that thread. Please go back and read it. Therein lies your answers.

Dopamine is what controls sexual desire. Either it is flowing or it's not. It is up to you to turn it on and by doing so, you turn HER on. It is also you who turns it off. So, what am I saying? I am saying you kill her high or prevent her from getting high. If she tells you she is not sexually attracted to you, she is trying to say you do things and say things that make her not want you. She is trying to say you do NOT do things and say things that DO make her want you. Where her job and your lack of work are concerned, she is trying to say you kill her buzz for you by not working and taking care of your family the way she needs you to do, the way you promised you would.

Now, I appreciate that you are trying to find answers and gain understanding. And what better way than to ask on forums like this one, where there is a vast array of people and opinions. But you have to filter through most of your responses. I know it feels good when someone tells you your wife is nuts and women need to work just like men, she was wrong to marry you, and all that jazz. I understand how a lot of the responses you receive serve very well to confirm your way of thinking or at least confirm your right to be confused by your wife's words and perplexing actions. But you need to get to the core of the problem in your marriage, so all that confirming your ego is not going to help. I think the core of the problem is your wife's sense of security. Very simply, some women are brought up to believe the man takes care of the home financially and the woman should not have to work outside the home. She cannot change the way she feels in this respect. It was ingrained into her psyche from a very early age, so that is the way she thinks. Then you came along into her life, and you confirmed that for her. You told her she doesn't have to work, that you would take care of her and the children that came along. Am I right? I think I am since you said in the other thread that she began working 6 years ago because you guys needed the extra money.

Okay, so what happened after that?...............

Everyone has their own triggers. When it comes to sexual attraction, what turns one person on doesn't necessarily do it for another person. I might be sexually attracted to a guy, but if he doesn't do it for me in bed, then the attraction very rapidly fizzles and I no longer want to jump his bones. Why, because he brought me back down to reality and stopped the release of dopamine/killed my high/turned me off.

At this point, you are nothing but demanding. I can understand why, in that you are frustrated with the situation and sexually frustrated also. But she doesn't care, just like you said. She doesn't want to be bothered with you being demanding because she isn't getting what she needs either. You have made many attempts to make her happy because you know if she isn't happy, then you are not happy. It's just that the efforts you made were not what she needed (except that one you know about). So again, you are right to seek answers, and I hope you won't give up on her, yourself, and your marriage. Honestly, if you give up and don't gain understanding of how to make your wife happy, you will also have problems in other relationships. So you might as well stay and work on this to keep your family together. And yes, it is going to be work.

First, stop demanding anything of your wife. You're killing her libido and she doesn't want to know about yours. Sex will resume in due time. You will have to be patient in the meanwhile. I really don't expect it will take long, not if you are serious about working on your marriage. Remember what happened the last time you triggered her. That didn't take long at all, did it?

Secondly, get a job. You might initially have to keep your promise and work two jobs, but I wouldn't advise that for very long. There isn't much more you'd be able to do in the way of repairing your marriage if you are never at home. So don't work two jobs for long, but keep looking for better-paying jobs.

Thirdly, rent this move. Watch it. And follow the principles.

Finally, learn the Five Love Languages.

So now, I'm wondering something. You said your wife doesn't want to go to counseling or read any books. But if she said she is not sexually attracted to you, then what do you expect counseling will do? Convince her that she IS sexually attracted to you? If she said she is not sexually attracted to you, then what do you expect her reading a book will do? Teach her how to get sexually attracted to you? Do you get the absurdity of you expecting her? You are suggesting she has a problem and expecting her to fix herself. And, you're expecting her to, suddenly out of the blue, become sexually attracted to you. I hope you understand now that fixing this is up to you.

I hope I helped you put some of this into perspective.

Ctn594

Susan2010 thanks for the detailed response. You make some valid points and I don't even know were to start.

The reaon why this is such a topic now is because I'm pressing the issue and becoming very resentful and bitter because of the lack of effection. I definitely felt that with me supporting her decision to quit her job that she would be more effectioniate to me. Did I do it because of that no. I wanted to make her happy.

I understand there is something that I'm not doing to turn her on, but from day one when we first met? There is alot of time between day one and today and for someone to say I never did it for them hurts. I feel I can't be anything different then I am today. Trust me I've had my bad days, but there has been plenty of good ones. Hard to swallow that I never lite her bulb inside through all that I have done for her. I've tried asking what does turn her on and she can't even tell me she says its been so long. I want to know what it is trust me.

She only wants to stay in the relationship due to the kids and told me without us having kids she would of divorced me along time ago. Then she flat out told me she wouldn't mind if I cheated on her. She was so cold an unemotional that at that point I knew I had to put the house up for sale and escape the hurt. After I told the kids that we would be getting a divorce and selling the house, she said i could handle the truth and like always I did things half ass because the lawn was not cut this week and the bathroom floor needs to be fixed.

All that I wanted her to say was that she would work on this with me, but I need to be understanding in the process. She doesn't want to read any books or go to counseling. To me she has given up as well and feels that her lack of sexual feelings for me will never be there. She has extremely a low self esteem, no friends and not really close to her family. She also has social aniexty disorders and hates going to family functions or friends parties.

So this is up to me to fix, but I don't even have a road map to even know were to begin. Its hard to fix something when I feel so bitter and wronged by this person.

Susan2010

Ctn594, I appreciate how you feel. By all means, keep venting until you get it all out of your system and there is nothing left to say or vent about. Vent until the pain subsides just a little and you can make it through the day. Believe me, I know how you feel. And then when you have vented until there is nothing left, then decide whether you want to try to work on this. I didn't say the two of you work on it. I said decide if YOU want to work on it. What does that mean? It means what I already told you.....to stop expecting her and stop making demands of her. Deciding to work on it involves no one but you. It will still be painful at first, but you will have to stick with it. So when you make the decision to work on it, you will be more open-minded and better able to listen. Because I already gave you a road map, but you came back with more complaints and demands. So when it's all out of your system and you decide to work it, determine when you would like to begin.

Ctn594

We talked a little this morning. She is crushed that it has come down to this and she said she wishes she never got into an arguement about this at all. She says it will be very hard on her because she has no job, no friends, the kids now hate her and no money. Of course to me this is a problem she doesn't care about losing me, but just the kids situation. I want her to come forward and proclaim her love for me and say she will work on this with me together, but I'm getting no response at all. She keeps saying what I'm capable of giving you is just not enough. She continues to say that I expect way too much from her 24/7. She said everything else about me is fine except this. I asked her to name 3 things that she would want improve in. They were sexual neediness, don't be so emotional and don't take things so personal. I told her its kind of hard not to take this personal after what she said to me. She then mentions that she had dreams of someone taking care of her and lifting her off her feet with financial security and car with a bow on it. She then mentions a few of my friends wifes who have never worked and live in mansions.

Susan I still want this to work out between us, but I have a strong feeling nothing will change. I can't meet all of her emotional needs and I think If I ever did she will still have no sexual feelings for me. If I never flicked her dophamine switch before and now with all this added pressure how will this ever work? I don't think I have the patience to see this through. Lets just say I financially support the family myself working like a dog, treat her with respect and do for and the kids. I hate to say this, but if sex is my vice to make me feel appreciated and like a man, but I know she is never interested in me in that way I might just crack.

Any suggestions for patience and to see this through?

Ctn594

One last thing my wife keeps saying this is all that I could give to me time after time. I take the comment as she is not willing to go the extra mile for this relationship. I even read somewhere that in a marriage both people just can't be who they normally are in a relationship, they need to work at it and go the extra mile to make the relationship work. My wife doesn't agree at all with those views and continues to just be herself.

CH

She might have let slip something important to you also. When she stated that some of your friend's wives don't work but live in a mansion.

Does she feel that she's getting the short end of the stick by comparing her life to that of your friends? Or do you guys also live in a mansion and have all the pretty toys etc...?

If not, that might be the root of her problem, I don't want to say it but I smell a gold digger. Mind you, this is just my opinion based on what I have read. It looks like she's looking for a free meal ticket by putting in as little effort as possible. And that my friend will never work in a marriage.

Susan2010

That was completely unhealthy, unhelpful, and untrue.

__________________________________________________

Ctn594,

1. I keep asking you to stop expecting her.
2. I wonder if she has ever had an orgasm.

Ctn594

I know but its hard not to think she feels something for me.

She has said she has never had an orgasm with intercourse with me only thru masturbating with me helping out, but I'm sure I wasn't doing anything exciting for her.

cody5

You need to start getting your physical and emotional needs filled elsewhere. Life's too short and she's NOT going to suddenly profess her love and atraction to you. You need someone to want you. Go find it. It WON'T happen at home. Sorry. Put your energies towards an endeavor that has a chance of working. I'll leave it up to you if you want to let her know what's ging on. If you want to be petty, you can look at it that she owes you 16 years of keeping a big secret from her.

Good luck. Sorry. Again, I'm living it right now.

Susan2010

Okay, here we go. I have tried to be diplomatic about some things, and some things I have not addressed at all out of concern for your feelings. But it seems whatever I do say, you are not listening to me. And, in that same vein, you have spent your marriage not listening to your wife. To tell the truth, not listening is very common for men, and they don't know the problems and unhappiness it causes their wife and in return, it causes problems and unhappiness for them. Invariably, they blame the wife without realizing the problems, lack of sex, arguments, etc. are of their own making. So, here it is, everything I want to say to you. I hope you will finally get the message. Incidentally, either you have been ignoring them or simply not listening but just in case you do not know, underlined words/phrases of a different color are links. Please CLICK and READ them.

As I explained before, your wife has in her mind the concept of what marriage means to her. And then, you came along and made promises to fulfill her dreams and to be her image of an ideal husband, father, and provider. No doubt you tried and for all I know, her expectations might not be practical or attainable, but still you promised and now she feels you have failed her. Right now, she is looking at her life and reflecting on the past 16 years, and she realizes the marriage not only failed to reach any particular pinnacle standard of success but also has not flourished sexually, financially, emotionally, or material-wise. There is a lot she wants, a lot she expects, and there's even a lot she will settle for, but she is looking around and looking back only to discover she has settled for everything and not received any of what she needs and wants. That is a GREAT big turnoff. She feels there is no area in her life that yields satisfaction, so she has checked out and shut down from disappointment. But, you can win her back if you want to. Stop looking at it in terms of you working on it together. Stop expecting her. She is not going to make any effort because she has checked out. She is looking at you talking and feels that is all you have done because, after all, she is looking around but doesn't see any progress, so she's lost faith. As was stated before, this is entirely up to you. You can do it but you have to make the effort alone to win her back. You have to step up and live up to your promises.

On another note, sexual attraction usually has little to do with a person's appearance. Yes, people are more readily attracted to people they deem good looking, or perhaps there is something about a person that attracts them especially. Initial attraction, however, can quickly fizzle, as I mentioned has been my experience. Conversely, if a woman is not initially attracted to a man, it doesn't mean she can never become sexually attracted to him. To compensate for initial lack of attraction, a man's prowess in bed can keep her coming back for more. This also has been my experience. In fact, the man who blew my mind in bed, taught me everything I know about sex and everything I know about my body was not the typical looking guy I was accustomed to dating. He was very much over weight and not good looking by anyone's standard. Although I was not at all sexually attracted to him, he was kind, intelligent, had a great smile, and possessed many other qualities that appealed to me. Therefore, he was no less a candidate for my affections than anyone much better looking. Then when we made love the first time, he had me hooked almost entirely. I couldn't keep my hands off him after that. It was at that point I became sexually attracted to him. Had he not been skillful and considerate, no doubt I would have rejected the notion of him as a lover even though I would still appreciate his many other attributes.

I'm beginning to feel like a broken record to keep saying the same thing to so many men who complain about their wife's lack of sexual desire. Men seem to think that because sex is a pleasurable act, that it automatically feels good to the woman since it feels good to the man. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Penetrating a woman and being inside her feels good to a man, but the man has to learn how to make it feel good to the woman. He cannot automatically assume that it does. Some couples have it going on that good but most couples don't. It is of utmost importance that you sharpen your skills in the bedroom to be the best possible lover that you can be. Following are some articles and videos to help you understand what women need most.

Note: I did not and would not link to any pornography but if you find any at this site and watch it, that is up to you. I linked only to instructional videos.

Oral sex techniques

G-Spot Massage

G-Spot Positions

A-Spot Massage

michzz

A couple of things stand out to be as flawed thinking.

1. You told her to quit her job when she is planning for YOU to move out. You just set yourself up for a larger spousal support nut to carry for her. You need to get her employed again.

2. YOU have to move? I don't think so. She's the disruptive force in your marriage and has harbored a secret disloyalty towards you--namely her lack of desire for you. I think you ought to inform her that she can move out.