Reasoning behind not being open about past
Asking this in the ladies forum, as I'm hoping for a more female-oriented take on this.
First, let me say that this is not something that is truly bothering me, it's more curiosity than anything. I also trust my wife and have no reason to distrust her. The caveat is that she is not, nor ever has been, an open person with anybody. Just the way she was brought up (I see this very clearly in her parents and family...)
So basically, my wife never talks about her past willingly, and the few times I've ever inquired, she gets defensive. She has given up few details, and generally gets annoyed if the issue is pressed.
For those who don't know, incidentally, we were each others first girlfriend/boyfriend, way back in high school. 3 years together, broke up at the end of school, went our separate ways. I was with someone for 14 years, she had several long term relationships, and we rediscovered each other (when we were both single, fyi) and have since married. That's the background.
When we got back together, I was, of course, curious as to her past, after our first go round. So I asked, innocently, never accusingly or in any way that (I thought) would come across as our relationship or how I thought of her depending on the answer. In other words, I wouldn't move on regardless of her answers.
Initially, I got very cagy answers, the usual "none of your business" and some white lies. Over the first 6 months of our relationship, I genuinely thought she had stuff to hide and it wrecked me inside. I made it clear to her that if she had a dodgy past, it would not impact how I felt about her (and it wouldn't have). Her answers (or lack of) actually did the opposite, and I did start to wonder if she was right for me. I stuck it out, because everything else is great, and I'm glad I did.
I have learned over the years that she is like that about everything, and to everyone. She really doesn't talk about, discuss, or vent to anyone, about anything. It's a family thing. I'm a talker, and a venter, and a solution-finder, so we are total opposites when it comes to this. She has made concessions in regards to our relationship (which is great of her), as I made it clear that if this is the way she is when we have relationship issues, I won't stand for it. When it comes to US, she needs to talk and communicate. So far, so good.
But what's always bothered me is her lack of trust, I guess, in regards to being open about her past. It leaves me wondering and drawing my own conclusions, which isn't a good thing.
Now I want to be clear - past history means very little to me. I won't say "nothing", because that's not true. There are a handful of things that would put me off of a relationship, but they are on the extreme end of things. (like serial cheater, escort girl, etc.)
I also want to mention that I have accepted this about her, and I do NOT obsess - I really don't. I love her for who she is, and we're happy.
However, it will always slightly hang over me that she can not be open to me about her past - it's THAT that bothers me, not her actual past, whatever it may be.
If it helps matters at all, what little information I have come by is that she has had many more partners than I have. I've had 4, plus 2 that did not result in piv sex. So 6, total. She has had 3 longterm relationships (3 years plus), an undetermined # of shorter ones (a few weeks to a few months, 3 that I know of), at least one fwb relationship, and an undetermined # of ONS.
What I am having a hard time with, as well, is whether her number means anything, at all. She did go through a period (less than a year, when she just hit the bar age) in which she did not have a boyfriend, and she had several, or more, ONS. The "wild years", which we all have to varying degrees. No problem. Over a 15 year period, between our first time around, and now, I've estimated her number at 20-30. Which isn't really THAT out of whack. 6 of those years were spent with 2 partners, about a year with another. 3 partners over 7 years. The one "wild" year, with 5-10 partners, maybe. Leaving 6 years to make up another, say 10-15.
Over all, the number is high, I know, especially given the 6-7 years with 3 partners. But she's far from a sex addict, which leaves me to believe it's more an esteem thing, or being wanted, or being non-committal, etc. Our sex life is infrequent BUT it's good. She says she's never been into sex, ever, and I believe her. However I find that she's always had a poor attitude towards it. It's just something you do with your partner, and it doesn't mean a whole lot. It's part of the relationship, but also it's not, if that makes any sense. It's separated somehow.
So am I missing the forest for the trees here? Is it really a case of it not mattering to her? Is she ashamed? (I don't think so, I really don't, I know her well enough). Is she keeping it from me because of my relative inexperience because she doesn't want me to see her in a bad light? Or is it, to her, just not of my damn business?
(addendum: I don't disagree with people who say it's none of their partners business, however I also don't think it's necessarily something people have to hide. Kind of on the fence about it. To me, it's not necessary to know one's past, it's really only the present that matters, however it's almost insulting to have things hidden, even if they don't ultimately matter)