Unsatisfied with my marriage
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Old 05-31-2010, 03:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Unsatisfied with my marriage

Hi
Me and my husband have known each other for 3 years and we started dating while doing our PhDs. During these time we shared apartment in two occasions. During that time he was not sure about me (as his parents wanted him to marry according to his culture). Despite that we continue seeing each other, he used to take so much care of me, cook for me, and he was always thinking of me...but he always told me it was because i was his friend...sex was not much but he was more affectioned...
We travel together to meet his parents and after that he told me that he told his parents about us and if they agreed he would like to marry me. They accepted and now we've are married for 11 months. During this time we both finish our studies and he got a full time (9-5) job while im doing part time and we have started thinking in getting settled, buy a house, kids, etc.
He is a good man and caring, he loves his role as provider but when it come to house chores...he has never been the most active one but it was enough for me, before marriage he just to go for shopping, clean once in a while, wash dishes...
The problem is that now i feel that everything at home is my responsibility, that i have to do everything (even washing the car) and i feel like a servant because he doesnt help anymore. Even after cooking, i have to serve, heat the food, take his plate, etc, then he goes and sits in front of the computer or TV and sleep...
I have asked him wheter he wants a traditional marriage where i stay at home and he brings the money, but also he wants me to get a good job better paid than his and bring the money...sometimes even before ive been paid he asks for the money, he checks my payrolls, etc.
So i feel that he wants me do everything plus bring the money...and without affection...
since we got married he doesnt prefer to have sex anymore...it happens only when he wants...i have to beg him to have it at least once a month...
because im feeling so unsatisfied i have become less caring, stop saying i luv u, etc., I have asked him to tell me how i could be a better wife and he replies that he has no complains he just likes to be left alone...
During the last months i have tried to improve my personal appearance and dressing, im doing more exercise, trying to loose weight, i started using lipstick and mascara and put some color in my hair, and this morning he told he is not liking it...dont know if it is because im spending more money on that or because he just doesnt like it...
Our close friends have told thay have seen he is changing for good, that he is more affectionated in public but for me is more important our life at home....
I think this is the time to start putting an effort in our marriage, i want to be a better partner but i feel so much like im the servant now... Any advice is appreciated!!! Thanks
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Old 05-31-2010, 09:44 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unsatisfied with my marriage

Tell him in the very least you expect him to be the man you married. It was not fair of him to trick you with affection and acts of service, and then none of those things after marriage. You are not his servant and his behavior before marriage did not lead you to think he expected you to be his servant. Then tell him you expect him to go to marriage counseling with you.

He has given you no other options, so don't ask him. Tell him what you expect of him instead of your marriage being whatever he wants it to be. You are entitled to your own desires and expectations, too. Also, stop giving him your money. That is your money, and he has no right to think he can take it from you. If you want to help out by paying a bill or two, then do that but keep your money. There is no reason he needs it.
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Old 05-31-2010, 11:46 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unsatisfied with my marriage

Sounds like he needs to be the one to change, not you! Have you told him how you are feeling - and not about what you can do to be a better wife - but how what he is doing is hurting you and confusing you?
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Old 05-31-2010, 01:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unsatisfied with my marriage

As a husband that "was" like your current husband I can tell you the best thing to do to get thru to him is to sit him down and calmly explain how you are feeling. Don't start with the chores. Start with with relationship side of it. Then talk about the not pitching in etc. In my situation my W would comment about me not helping out in more of a nagging way then talking to me. I blew it off as no big deal. Until I discovered that she was seeking out attention from another man. I had discovered prior to finding this out that I wasn't the husband/father that I needed to be and started the process of changing. It sounds like you are hurt and feel you are being used when he feels like it. You need to share all these thoughts and feelings. Hopefully that will break thru to him. Just do so in a non-judgmental way. I know it will be hard but if you want your husband to truly understand where you are this is what you have to do. Also pick up the book 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Great book and see if you cant start to speak his love language to break thru.

Now mind you it sounds like I am making you out to be the one at fault here. I am not. I just know where I was within the confines of a similar situation. Yelling arguing wont work here. He is comfortable in his life. He has no idea that his wife is upset - when he hears from his wife its in an argument in which he shuts down and hears nothing. Being kind and explaining this to him should break down the walls and get him to understand he needs to make some drastic changes to keep his marriage alive.

Best of Luck!
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