Why do I feel like it's all my fault when it isn't - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-22-2010, 07:25 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Why do I feel like it's all my fault when it isn't

My exhusband is the whole problem of the marriage from the begining. Well from the start he had been verbally abusive. But he was all I had as far as support for living. I was 16 and he was 23, I had separated from him last year. It was September 8, 2009 when I left him. My husband had alway's called me names that where very hurtful. As well as he would yellling at me, for no reason. I got blamed for doing nothing, he would say I'm cheating on him, when I wasn't. He continued on and on and would never stop. So as the saying goes, if I'm blamed for something I'm not doing, I mite as well do it. So yes I had an affair, and that is because, I was so sick of hearing that I was cheating on him, so I went for it. The thing was I didn't feel bad about it at all. I could look him in the eyes with no remorse. My exhusband is an alcoholic and is addicted to pornography. He has terrible rages that really scared the heck out of me. He would be so wasted he would wake in a drunkin rage. He alway's had to watch pornography as well. He had alway's told me, I was the sexiest hottest woman he's ever had, but that didn't stop his addictions. But his saying was I've done this before you and I'm not changing for anyone. I did the best I could to keep the marriage together, but he just got worse year after year. Others say they are surprised I stuck the marriage out for 20 years. But honestly I'm not divorced yet, I will be marred for 21 years on June 30,2010. I still communicate with him via text every now and then. The reason being is that we have 2 childeren, I have my daughter she's 16. And he has our son he's 14, so I do communicate with him at times. My ex is still very abusive via texting as well it makes me cry. He say's he still loves me very much, and I do love him as well. But all he does is hurt me no matter what the case. I will say that I left him, for a wonderful man who treats me and my daughter with the most respect ever. My daughter will not visit her dad and she plans on getting her last name changed as well. After my divorce I plan on marrying again, and my daughter is taking the last name of my second husband tobe. She say's he's like a real father should be, she even calls him dad. Her real dad didn't do nothing, but call her names and give her very mean looks, and treat her like trash. My son he's different with, he treats him like just a bit more but not much. He doesn't care about anyone but his self, and he will be alone and unhappy for the rest of his life.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-22-2010, 07:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why do I feel like it's all my fault when it isn't

My life is much healthier now, but I have so much pain and memories of a very toxic relationship. And I now know that he is crazy and it's not me.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-23-2010, 01:03 AM
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Re: Why do I feel like it's all my fault when it isn't

I'm not really sure what your issue is... Seems like you made the right decision - for you and your kids.

Your subject line says that you feel bad? Why? If you have tendencies toward enabling, perhaps you should see a therapist or something, because really - you did the right thing!
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-23-2010, 06:51 AM
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Re: Why do I feel like it's all my fault when it isn't

I'm no therapist, but if I had to guess, I'd say that you feel like it's your fault because of your affair. Even though you didn't feel guilty when looking at him, you were probably raised, like most people, to think cheating is wrong. So you probably feel some guilt over having done that, even though he really did push you to do it. Although I don't approve of cheating, I think you did the right thing in leaving him. He treated you horribly. Whatever he did, whatever he does now, it's not your fault. Don't feel bad. Don't let him make you feel bad. Raise your children, move on with your life and forget about him.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-23-2010, 01:17 PM
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Re: Why do I feel like it's all my fault when it isn't

I will have to agree with atruckersgrl, you made the perfect decision for you and your children. and im happy that you have found someone who treats you wonderful...and of course he's going to text you he loves you and misses you because he doesnt have you there anymore but if you ever went back or gave him another chance he'd be the same way. There is nothing that you should feel is your fault...you have been with him for so long and he knows what to say to make you upset and he will keep doing it cause like you said he will ALWAYS be lonely and unhappy for the rest of his life, and now he sees you with someone better so hes really going to do it. And also one more thing...if a man accuses you for cheating and you are not...its more likely hes the one who's cheating and has guilt for it so he has to blame you to make him not feel so guilty. whether its physical or watching his pornography 24/7 and him knowing it bothers you. I wish you the best of luck with your new prince charming, and a lifetime of happiness!!!
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