A little info from the Ladies please.
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Old 12-03-2013, 11:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default A little info from the Ladies please.

My story: distant wife for the past 11 years intimacy wise. We still have sex, but no fore plah
in the past 10 years she will not let me touch her below the waist with my hands. Sex is just sex, no emotion. She is 50. Any ideas on what the problem is? She wont talk about our issues, so Im left with trying to guess and ask people on TAM.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: A little info from the Ladies please.

If she won't let you "touch" her below the waist, how are you having sex?

Ask her what is up with that. Tell her you wanna touch her sexy body!
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: A little info from the Ladies please.

The only person who knows what the problem is is your W and she isn't telling. It sounds odd to me that she's able to have sex without some prior activity in the southern hemisphere. Would she be amenable to MC?
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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The only person who knows what the problem is is your W and she isn't telling. It sounds odd to me that she's able to have sex without some prior activity in the southern hemisphere. Would she be amenable to MC?
She will absolutely not go to MC.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
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If she won't let you "touch" her below the waist, how are you having sex?

Ask her what is up with that. Tell her you wanna touch her sexy body!
I dont really know how to respond to this without being TMI, but here it goes
I use lube and put it in. Sorry about the TMI.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: A little info from the Ladies please.

Strange thing she doesnt like lube, but she wont let me do anything to prepare her properly.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: A little info from the Ladies please.

1. Your wife is either swimming in resentment over something (was it always like this?)....you say the last 11 yrs...what was it like before this...anything happen back then in your lives to bring about a change in her behavior? --that maybe she has stuffed and has built to mountain-ish proportions -unbeknownst to you?

2. Menopausal ?...but you said the last 11 yrs -unless she went through it early at 39....

3. Could she be depressed ?

4. It is possible she was sexually abused in her past..

How does she respond when you tube it up and stick it in? I can't imagine doing this or how you could even enjoy the act if she lies there stone cold... are any words even exchanged?

And on top of all of this, she refuses to talk to you about it...or marriage counseling...she leaves you nothing to work with...she has tied your hands behind your back.. she might as well hold up a sign that says "NO ACCESS ALLOWED"..

On your end...what do you feel she is holding against you ? Where have you missed it with your wife over the years... trying to gauge where her head may be at... or just a person's overall unhappiness with their lives -for whatever reason.
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: A little info from the Ladies please.

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She will absolutely not go to MC.
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And she won't talk about it? Then you have no alternative but to either live with this (IMO) unhealthy state of affairs or issue her with an ultimatum.

I can't imagine tolerating the sort of situation you describe, and I'm sorry that you have done so for so long.
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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1. Your wife is either swimming in resentment over something (was it always like this?)....you say the last 11 yrs...what was it like before this...anything happen back then in your lives to bring about a change in her behavior? --that maybe she has stuffed and has built to mountain-ish proportions -unbeknownst to you?

2. Menopausal ?...but you said the last 11 yrs -unless she went through it early at 39....

3. Could she be depressed ?

4. It is possible she was sexually abused in her past..

How does she respond when you tube it up and stick it in? I can't imagine doing this or how you could even enjoy the act if she lies there stone cold... are any words even exchanged?

And on top of all of this, she refuses to talk to you about it...or marriage counseling...she leaves you nothing to work with...she has tied your hands behind your back.. she might as well hold up a sign that says "NO ACCESS ALLOWED"..

On your end...what do you feel she is holding against you ? Where have you missed it with your wife over the years... trying to gauge where her head may be at... or just a person's overall unhappiness with their lives -for whatever reason.
Thanks for the reply. 11 years ago I got the ILYBNILWY speech. She had previously had a low paying job. She got a good paying job 2 years before I got the speech. She has had a lot of problems with her family, she said she would have left me years ago, but she didnt want to run home to mommy. I did do some things Im not proud of when I was youn, but cheating was not one of them. She thinks I had something going on with a coworker, but I didnt. I offered to do a polygraph she didnt want me to. I feel like she has put my face on everything that is or was wrong in her life. She has told me she feels like she is my mother. Since then I have detached and quit being needy. I dont cling anymore, that has helped. I have taken on more of a leadership role
When we got married I let her run everything. I thought that is what she wanted.

And yes before all this started I had no problems touching her. All my older friends said when she got close to 40 all hell was going to break loose. I never thought my wife would be like that. I guess I was wrong again.
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: A little info from the Ladies please.

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My story:
in the past 10 years she will not let me touch her below the waist with my hands.
Turn her upside down?
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Turn her upside down?
Lol thought about that myself. Thanks I needed that.
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: A little info from the Ladies please.

Has she put on weight at all?

Sometimes this sort of thing can be a self esteem issue.

Perhaps she just feels old and undesirable.

I had the "what on earth do you find so attractive about me." speech recently.

It can be a vicious circle sometimes, because they don't feel desireable it affects their libido.
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:28 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: A little info from the Ladies please.

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11 years ago I got the ILYBNILWY speech. She had previously had a low paying job. She got a good paying job 2 years before I got the speech. She has had a lot of problems with her family, she said she would have left me years ago, but she didnt want to run home to mommy. I did do some things Im not proud of when I was youn, but cheating was not one of them. She thinks I had something going on with a coworker, but I didnt. I offered to do a polygraph she didnt want me to. I feel like she has put my face on everything that is or was wrong in her life. She has told me she feels like she is my mother. Since then I have detached and quit being needy. I dont cling anymore, that has helped. I have taken on more of a leadership role
When we got married I let her run everything. I thought that is what she wanted.
It sounds you have both made your share of mistakes here... with never opening up talking about them....with understanding, forgiveness, resolving -as to put these things behind you......which has left her FILLED WITH RESENTMENT that she is holding on to.. until she is willing to talk about this....and yourself doing all you can to make amends.. have you apologized in your own way..offering an olive branch...to get it out on the table... and work towards re-building your connection...without this going forth, the intimacy will stay stone cold... she is bracing herself trying to not be there during the act.

The whole "I'm not in love with you anymore"- did she meet another man when she took the higher paying Job, that helped her detach even more so?

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And yes before all this started I had no problems touching her. All my older friends said when she got close to 40 all hell was going to break loose. I never thought my wife would be like that. I guess I was wrong again.
Anytime we stuff our emotions --this can have a devastating effect on intimacy... the 40's -women generally get a higher sex drive..this could be very bad if she is not in love with her husband... our hormones do go a little haywire (happened to me too but I was the opposite of your wife, I was chasing my husband down, he was saying "Rape ~ Rape" - joking here of course)... ..then add a mid life crisis to that..yeah...better hold on for the ride!!
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Thound View Post
Thanks for the reply. 11 years ago I got the ILYBNILWY speech. She had previously had a low paying job. She got a good paying job 2 years before I got the speech. She has had a lot of problems with her family, she said she would have left me years ago, but she didnt want to run home to mommy. I did do some things Im not proud of when I was youn, but cheating was not one of them. She thinks I had something going on with a coworker, but I didnt. I offered to do a polygraph she didnt want me to. I feel like she has put my face on everything that is or was wrong in her life. She has told me she feels like she is my mother. Since then I have detached and quit being needy. I dont cling anymore, that has helped. I have taken on more of a leadership role
When we got married I let her run everything. I thought that is what she wanted.

And yes before all this started I had no problems touching her. All my older friends said when she got close to 40 all hell was going to break loose. I never thought my wife would be like that. I guess I was wrong again.
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You could try pulling a complete 180. I'm not into game playing, but I don't believe the 180 is about playing games - just taking back your own power.

Are you a good husband? Do you have any hobbies? Do you spend enough time with your male friends? Do you take care of yourself physically? When last did you revamp your wardrobe? My line of thinking is that as your W refuses to give you anything to work with, start work on yourself and make any necessary changes. Not for your W, but for yourself.

Also, how do you feel after having sex with your W? It doesn't sound as though it can be in any way fulfilling for either of you, and in your shoes I'd rather take care of myself (regularly) than have sex with someone who doesn't want me. Frankly, I can't see this being healthy for your self-esteem, and I'd put an end to her getting to play martyr...

At the very least, the 180 might shake your W out of her apathy and get her to start taking notice of you.

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The 180

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life...with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available...for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/542526

Last edited by Cosmos; 12-03-2013 at 01:37 PM.
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: A little info from the Ladies please.

You have to get your wife to communicate with you Thound, she will be getting absolutely nothing out of the sex that you are having, and if she's getting nothing out of it she's not going to be very enthusiastic about the whole thing. She needs foreplay if she's going to enjoy it. You need to try and find out why she doesn't want foreplay and try to encourage her to have some foreplay, just a little at a time. When your sex life was better before she became distant what foreplay did she like? The lack of a satisfying sex life will only increase the distance between you, if you can encourage intimacy with her, you will become closer.

Good luck!
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