Husband doesn't want to deal with problems
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Old 07-04-2010, 06:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband doesn't want to deal with problems

So, my husband and I have been married for a year, together for 4. I'm 27 and he's 25. We've had a lot of good times, but sometimes I get emotional and "meltdown" as he calls it, and basically cry uncontrollably and dump all my problems onto him. I'd say this happens every couple of months.

I've tried to stop, with some success, but I still feel like I need to cry sometimes. He hates it. I think if I don't stop doing it, he's going to leave me one day. He also told me today that he doesn't really want to deal with ANY of my problems ever - he just doesn't want to, doesn't think he should have to. I should say that I don't really have any huge problems - just little things that I am looking for support for. However, I don't really have any friends or people to go to besides him, and I think that may be part of the problem.

What I'm looking for here is opinions on whether or not he's being reasonable, or if I am being a doormat. I think the solution is to make friends and get out, but I don't like it that my husband doesn't want to support me. It feels like he doesn't care - but then again my problems are often trivial, incessant, and unexpected. He says he's never sure when I'm going to have a meltdown, and he's right - it happens pretty randomly and it sucks. I always feel terrible after I do it, and so does he.

So I don't know - I DO cry a lot and maybe I've just used up the well of his support? Maybe if I get an extended support group he'll be more willing to be support me when I actually need him to? What do you ladies think? I've been in therapy but had to leave a great group because we moved. Maybe it's time to get in again - I'm just starting to get tired of always feeling like I have to "fix" myself. You know?
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Old 07-04-2010, 07:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't want to deal with problems

Nobody needs to feel the way you do, or the way your H feels. Please find some therapy asap. Individual or group to help you deal with this. Also, get a doctor and see if you are a candidate for anti-depressants. They can be a great lifesaver when your world in turned upside down. You really need to find a hobby, take a class - SOMETHING that will enable you to meet new people and begin forging new friendships. They take time, but just a "wanna meet for coffee" can start a great relationship. Your H cannot be responsible to fullfill all your needs.

Start taking steps to have a life outside of your marriage. It will make your marriage so much better. Good luck!
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Old 07-04-2010, 07:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't want to deal with problems

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Originally Posted by Neverwouldhave guessed View Post
Nobody needs to feel the way you do, or the way your H feels. Please find some therapy asap. Individual or group to help you deal with this. Also, get a doctor and see if you are a candidate for anti-depressants. They can be a great lifesaver when your world in turned upside down. You really need to find a hobby, take a class - SOMETHING that will enable you to meet new people and begin forging new friendships. They take time, but just a "wanna meet for coffee" can start a great relationship. Your H cannot be responsible to fullfill all your needs.

Start taking steps to have a life outside of your marriage. It will make your marriage so much better. Good luck!
This is what I thought and why I posted here - basically to just confirm my suspicions. It's hard though, to know that you're in the wrong and have been for a long time. It's a tough bridge to cross because it means that the problems are my fault, and if I could just fix them things would be better for both of us.

edit: I think the first thing I'm going to do is take some kind of class, maybe a fitness one so I get the benefit of feeling good from exercise.

Last edited by kaala; 07-04-2010 at 07:26 PM.
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Old 07-04-2010, 08:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't want to deal with problems

I give you credit for taking a good look at yourself. That is not an easy thing to do, I know that firsthand. I didn't say all the problems are your fault, but from your post it seems like you are lonely and unpredictable. Two things you can "fix." You have no control over your husband, so get yourself feeling better about you and see if the marriage issues resolve. If not, deal with them when appropriate. You certainly don't want to be miserable for the many years you have ahead of you. Wishes for a good week!
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Old 07-04-2010, 08:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't want to deal with problems

Neverwouldhaveguessed has given you some wonderful advice and, as a whole, I would tend to agree with it.

I do have one or two concerns though ...

Quote:
He also told me today that he doesn't really want to deal with ANY of my problems ever - he just doesn't want to, doesn't think he should have to.
I'm sorry, but imho that is just not good enough. You shouldn't have to live in an emotional vacuum when it comes to your marriage. Relationships are a two-way street. Sometimes he will need your support. Other times you will need his. That's just the way things are (well, in my world at least).

Quote:
but then again my problems are often trivial, incessant, and unexpected
Please don't invalidate all of your problems. If they mean something to you at the time, then they are important.

By all means, take that fitness class. Go out and make supportive friendships. It will benefit you as an individual, and it will benefit your marriage.

However, please do not think that everything is all your fault all of the time. It's not! Sure, in the extremely rare occasion problems in a relationship may be all one person's fault, but the majority of the time that is just not the way it is.

Take care and have a great time at that fitness class.
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Old 07-04-2010, 08:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't want to deal with problems

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Originally Posted by dissok View Post
Neverwouldhaveguessed has given you some wonderful advice and, as a whole, I would tend to agree with it.

I do have one or two concerns though ...



I'm sorry, but imho that is just not good enough. You shouldn't have to live in an emotional vacuum when it comes to your marriage. Relationships are a two-way street. Sometimes he will need your support. Other times you will need his. That's just the way things are (well, in my world at least).



Please don't invalidate all of your problems. If they mean something to you at the time, then they are important.

By all means, take that fitness class. Go out and make supportive friendships. It will benefit you as an individual, and it will benefit your marriage.

However, please do not think that everything is all your fault all of the time. It's not! Sure, in the extremely rare occasion problems in a relationship may be all one person's fault, but the majority of the time that is just not the way it is.

Take care and have a great time at that fitness class.
I agree with you on the needing support from your husband thing, I think it's a two-way street and that's why his comments hurt me. However, I wonder if I have just tried his patience. He used to be very understanding and patient, as as time has progressed he's gotten more and more impatient, and I think it's because of the quantity of the problems I bring to him, particularly since I don't have anyone else to bring them to.

Do people run out of patience? I think they do and while I really wish he could just like me for how I am, perhaps how I am is unhealthy, since I don't get out much and require him for my emotional needs 100%.
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Old 07-04-2010, 10:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't want to deal with problems

The hard part about this is just how terrible I feel about myself right now. We had a fight last night which was one of those meltdowns for me, and he didn't get any sleep and is super grumpy today. I feel like he hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me, and every time I have a meltdown it erodes just a little bit more of the respect and love he has for me away.

it's hard to fix a problem like this when you feel like crap about yourself.
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Old 07-05-2010, 09:37 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't want to deal with problems

Assuming you have health ins.or can otherwise afford it, please contact a physician to discuss your mood instability. Again, you may be a candidate for anti-depressants (there is no longer a "stigma" in taking them - while I currently do not take them, I have in the past and found them a brdge to a better time.) They can take several weeks to 'kick in", but you could be feeling much more in control of your emotions by the end of the month. There may be other medications appropriate for you. Just be honest with the doc about what you are going through.

It also could be beneficial to let your H in on that fact you realize there is a problem right now with how you are dealing with your emotions, and you are going to address it by .....(insert whatever you are going to do such as seeing a Dr., taking a class, therapy, going to the bookstore and picking up a self-help book.) Hopefully, he will support these efforts.

And just for today, go buy yourself a treat or two. Maybe inexpensive flowers from the grocery store or a new nail polish. Something that makes you feel pretty and worthwhile. Do this once or twice a week. Make a list of what you can do to feel better, and write on a calendar your appointments, classes, etc. If you do the work and make yourself a priority, you could be feeling MUCH better by the end of summer. Two short months!!

PS - Do you work outside of the home, and do you have childen? If you have extra time, please consider volunteer work. It will help you to focus on people/animals less fortunate than you. We get a lot out of giving.

Ok, go buy those flowers
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Old 07-05-2010, 12:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't want to deal with problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by Neverwouldhave guessed View Post
Assuming you have health ins.or can otherwise afford it, please contact a physician to discuss your mood instability. Again, you may be a candidate for anti-depressants (there is no longer a "stigma" in taking them - while I currently do not take them, I have in the past and found them a brdge to a better time.) They can take several weeks to 'kick in", but you could be feeling much more in control of your emotions by the end of the month. There may be other medications appropriate for you. Just be honest with the doc about what you are going through.

It also could be beneficial to let your H in on that fact you realize there is a problem right now with how you are dealing with your emotions, and you are going to address it by .....(insert whatever you are going to do such as seeing a Dr., taking a class, therapy, going to the bookstore and picking up a self-help book.) Hopefully, he will support these efforts.

And just for today, go buy yourself a treat or two. Maybe inexpensive flowers from the grocery store or a new nail polish. Something that makes you feel pretty and worthwhile. Do this once or twice a week. Make a list of what you can do to feel better, and write on a calendar your appointments, classes, etc. If you do the work and make yourself a priority, you could be feeling MUCH better by the end of summer. Two short months!!

PS - Do you work outside of the home, and do you have childen? If you have extra time, please consider volunteer work. It will help you to focus on people/animals less fortunate than you. We get a lot out of giving.

Ok, go buy those flowers
Thanks! This is really great advice. I will say though that I am medicated on Prozac, and have been for some time, but maybe its time to see a psychiatrist and have my meds re-evaluated. I'm really bad without the prozac; I get panic attacks, really paranoid, and think everyone (including my husband) hates me. So it does help, but I still have these mood issues every few weeks to a month. I will have to wait to see a Dr. until my Care Card comes in (I'm a temporary worker in Canada), but I do have really good supplemental insurance, so I should be able to see a counselor in the meantime.

I'm feeling a bit better today, and I have several activities I'm looking into, including joining the local rec center for some classes, joining a community band, and volunteering with the local animal shelter. Hopefully soon I will be so busy I won't have time to have mood swings or meltdowns!
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Old 09-01-2010, 12:52 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't want to deal with problems

Your husband is supposed to be your best friend. Someone who wants and is willing to be a shoulder, and hear your hurts, etc. I have a husband who has never cared to hear me on matters like this. Because of this he has destroyed our relationship and I don't love for him anymore. I suggest you go to marriage counseling together. Don't let this go on for years, like I have, because it will destroy your marriage. Also, if you could talk to your husband without the fear of his rejection, I figure you will be alot happier because you're able to get things off your chest instead of having to bottle it all in.
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Old 09-01-2010, 01:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't want to deal with problems

My husband and i have been together for 3+ years and Married for 1+ year. We have our share of issues.

We have a 2 year old together and i have an 11 and 8 year old fromprevious marriage. I am a stay at home mom, we have one car and I babysit a 3 year old boy. I have one good frieind but she lives two states away and i have not seen her in 5+ years, other than her the only other people I know are people from high school who I talk to once in a while on facebook.

I wont go into our issues cause this is about you but I can say I can relate to you. One thing my mom has always told me when my husband I fight or whatever is that
"Men dont like tears, they dont know how to handle them. Just dont cry"
What are the real reasons your crying?
I go to my hubby evertime I have an isue or are stressed out or just need to vent. He is my best friend and just by talking to him I feel better. But I have learned in the past sometimes I overwhelmed him. I have learned to "talk" to him about all those things so he knows I'm just talking for support and not to have him fix stuff or anything like that.

My husband used to think I was telling him everything cause I wanted him to fix it all. And it was all stuff he had no control of and no way to make better for me. So then he felt like a failure as a husband. But we talked how I just talk to him to feel better about the situation then I am over it. I get very stressout out about stupid things. Three kids, five dogs, my mother lives with us and we are remodeling two different areas of our house.

I am not sure if I have helped at all. But someties it is nice to know there are others that can relate to what your goping through.

Friend (girl friends) are very importnant to have. I know that but knowing it doesnt make it easy to just all of a sudden have some LOL
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Old 01-26-2014, 11:30 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't want to deal with problems

hi there, ive just read your post and i strongly suggest you read my previous posts. ive been with my husband 14 years, you sound like me in the first few years of my relationship. I am sitting here at 4 in the morning because im angry at my husband again. He never listens to me but ive given up crying about it. Crying doesnt make any difference to him. Ive struggled years with a husband who has so many issues and doesnt deal with anything. I try talking nice, but just end up angry. Im sick of being with someone who ignores me all the time. I feel for you and if i had known he would be the same 10 years later i would of left him. Its hard now i have kids so its not about me any more. Im sick of living with a selfish man, i just hope you dont end up the same as me.
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