MrRomantic

The line "we're just friends" is something that no man wants to hear. It appears it almost always not the case.

Are there exceptions? Is anyone here in a friendship with a guy that is actaully in it for being just friends?

CLucas976

while supposedly this does not exist. I have male friends that are just friends to me.

Before I got with my husband, my male friends were also his buddies (how we met) I hung out with them, partied with em, talked on the phone with them like girlfriends etc.

I have a coworker my husband and I joke about being my work spouse, I consider him my friend, and purely that.

our mutual buddies come over occasionally and have coffee with me, I used to have coffee time with our old neighbor buddy.

I can maintain a plutonic relationship, I have extreme amounts of self control.

That being said, if I felt something would make my husband uncomfortable, I would refrain from doing it. I do not go out drinking with these people anymore, I do not single myself out with them ever, and the closest I get to them is sitting on the couch playing video games.

with women there is a fine line, we call it the friendship line, my husband actually brought it to my attention and explained how careful he was to never cross it due to his wishes to pursue me. Girls have the tendancy to label certain guys as friends, and once that happens, we never want to risk what we already have and distance ourselves from any sort of relationship past the friendship barrier. I've watched many guys fall prey to this.

this might not apply to everyone, but thats how I handle it, other guys are friends period, I've always had guy friends and few female friends and thats just how I roll, my husband knows and knew that before we were together and as far as I know, he's fine with it.

sisters359

I think many men do not realize that women are NOT attracted to almost anything with a penis. Seriously. Non-sexual friendships are quite easy, frequent, and normal for a lot of women.

If your wife is someone who cannot see bothering with a guy unless she has sexual power over, or attraction to him, you may have a problem. But that is a very immature woman, frankly. Lots of us are 'way more developed than that.

I see a lot of men here who cannot imagine investing time in a woman unless the potential of sex was involved. This is equally sad and immature behavior. Not all men are like that, either, although *maybe* it is a bit more of a challenge for men to see women as PEOPLE the way women can see men as PEOPLE and not sex objects. I don't know. It's not that hard for a lot of women.

Raideress12

Absolutely! My best friend is a man. He and I dated in college but have since become best friends for the past 15 years. I have had boyfriends who were jealous, and have even been broken up with because of my best friend being male, but I make it clear to whoever I am with that my BF will always be around and they will have to accept it or move on. When my husband and I got together I made it clear that my BF and I were just that, that he will always be in my life but I am in love with my husband. Two totally different feelings.

greeneyeddolphin

Yes, I do have male friends who are just friends, I always have. I have far less of them these days than in the past, but that's got nothing to do with my relationship. I will admit, as well, that a couple of those friends were more than friends at one time in the past, but that is all in the past. There is no expectation, promise of, or hope for anything more than friendship on either side. For many years, my best friend was a guy I dated for 2 months at the age of 18. When he and I both married other people, our spouses didn't believe our friendship was nothing more than friendship and asked us to end the friendship; we did so for their peace of mind, not because we would actually do anything. Then, my other male best friend was there for me through my horrible marriage, my quick but not fun divorce and for the years after. He is still a dear friend, although he lives far away and we rarely talk these days. I have another male friend that I never dated, and we both know it's nothing more than friendship.

People always act as though simply because one is a man and one is a woman that there must be some kind of physical attraction or romantic feelings there. That's not the case. Just as two women can be friends and not be attracted to each other, or two men can do so, a man and a woman CAN be just friends.

kiwigirl

i have many male friends who r jst friends. thats jst who i am, i always will and any relationships ive has this hasnt been a problem in. sometimes you jst have to trust your partner. maybe you could try to become friends with her male friends too??

WantsHappiness

Yes, absolutely. I have always gotten along better with men than with women and have several guy friends who are just friends to me. Most are also friends of the marriage whether they became that way after we were married or they were mutual friends before.

cb45

sorry romantic/ladies,

but this post is too bland/vanilla and requires some input from a man on the subject. input of course that is a little more revealing, Condé Nast, or apropos if u will.

firstly this thread has been re-hashed several times over since i've been here, w/ very little differing results. oh, a few of the ladies have volunteered some juicy tidbits of what they're really thinking when they meet up w/ "new prospect" male. but most of 'em give us the plain oatmeal version of "oh he's nice but he's just a friend."
granted this should be the status quo when we're talkin' marr'd W meeting Sean Connery/Leonardo Dicaprio look alikes, right ladies? i mean, just 'cuz they ooze masculinity or a pretty face shouldnt sway yer morals or better judgement now should it?

or should it?
based on what i've read here(& prior to)no one is either (a) fessin' up; (b) putting themselves in "harms way" anyhow;
(c) not meeting any/many Brad Pitt types if they do go out w/ the girls for drinks; (d) really love their H's and r keeping their hair curlers on in public more often than not.

[IMG]<a href="http://www.bigoo.ws/Images"><img alt="myspace layouts" border="0" src="http://media.bigoo.ws/content/gif/peoples/peoples_507.gif"></a><p style="margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0"><a href="http://www.bigoo.ws/Images">myspace layouts</a></p>[/IMG]

SO heres what i'm gonna do. i'm going to offer up in 2 parts a real male albeit, minority p.o.v. on this subject of "friend or fox," w/ juicy insights wherever possible/permissible.

yes its true most men are like sexdogs when out there in the world lookin the "fi-fi's" over. being visually oriented(by science)we take in which dame/damsel has the best......well u know what i mean. But u gals know this much already, or i hope u do.
so b4 u show me the duh-duh-duh-duh door, lemme expand this idea for u a little.

while some men say/admit/lie/(whatever)they'd practically hump anything they're spotting on "radar," such is not always the case. some of these same men when they get a low down on her stinky breath, her smelly feet, or her slightly crossed-eyes, suddenly experience "non-clinical" E.D.
then theres the fewer bunch that have to make that "connection" w/ the gal/lady. u know some of these M.
some of 'em come here to TAM, "just to ck things out."
to "cruise" somewhere other than a meat-market.

Then there's the minority type of male, who's just like u ladies who say that most "prospects" are just in the friend-pen.
Well, i am one of these minority type men. not because i was born this way, heavens to betsy i was not. not because i cant feel attracted to beautiful women from a distance or up close, not that either.

No, i'd say most women get put into friend-pen, because i'm T-level reduced older, painfully experienced wiser, and (finally) listening better to God on this matter of M/F, H/W.

yet i want to share w/ u one special lady, one heart felt regret of my life, who i refrained from "exploring" her loving a$$ets, and instead put her into my friend-pen.

why do i wish to tell this? because u ladies have written too many times of fellas u put there also, but dont regret yer decisions later in life. maybe i missed one/two stories to the contrary, but alas my take on u ladies is, for being the so called sensitive sentimental ones of our species, u dont ever seem to tell of yer pining regrets of some of those decisions/guys u placed in the "pen." OR maybe ur like the guys. u dont admit it/them.

Alexandra was italian-american but, she coulda passed for a white egyptian should u grace those shores of her namesake, alexandria. brown hair, brown eyes and a bossom unmatched by any of the girls in our h.s., she had a soft voice and an even softer smile.
We shared too few classes in our 4 yrs together, but when our eyes first met, it was though we had known each other before, in another time. Both shy, we dared only glance when the other was not watching. she was the better student, and could focus moreso on the teacher and his lessons. thus i was the better "observer," and dreamer for the both of us.

Her "touches" came later when we were upper classmen.
they were politically correct, safe, touches on the arm, the shoulder. oh but how they electified the air around us ( not only myself ), so much so that others felt it too and teased us of "doing something dangerous."

"sigh"............if only we had.

senior yr came, and we had gotten to know each other a little better. we never dated because of both of us having too many interests. i was the jock type mostly, she was the artist involved w/ several clubs. neither of us dated much, or seriously at all. we both had matured physically n mentally quite a bit. i liked disco, and she teased me incessantly about it, for she was strictly rock n roll blue jean babe.
to this day, i still believe/fantasize that i took her to the Copa in NYC, just once. But it cant be true for i'd surely remember holding her beautiful body close to me on the dance floor.
what games the mind plays w/ us.......
........................INTERMISSION.............. ...................

Part two is the conclusion to the question ".....just friends?"

Attached Images

 

posh7

No, the male "friends" that I had before I was married don't want to have anything to do with me now. But I do have mutual male friends with my husband.

SimplyAmorous

I personally seem to get along better with men, than many women. Outside of my one very close girlfriend relationship in my teens, I have always gravitated towards men , especially the deep thinking type who loves a good debate, or is a good converstationist.

My husband is my very best friend in life, but after him, I would have to say I enjoy a certain male friend more than any of my female friends.

I am not at all attracted to him, so my husband has no worries. I can not say this friend feels this way about me,
but he is a christian man who knows his Boundaries & honors them - and only gets together with us when we are both here- our rules. We have maintained this friendship well over 16 yrs.

I think if you put male & female together (No matter what they call themselves) and they both find each other physically attractive, I feel you have to be very very careful. When one of them starts having marital problems- if they openly confide in the other, not sure that situation can be trusted.

If the marraige is on solid ground though, I think it is OK . But best to always have your spouse along with you.

2Daughters

If she can walk, talk like a woman, then yes, sex object.

MrRomantic

Oh, I'm well aware of this, I know how men think. I'm just curious if the female can maintain these relationships for the sake of really being just friends.

cb45

[Part two continued………………..”just friends” ]

There we were, like two superpowers afraid of letting the other know what arsenal they truly had in store for each other should “love & war” breakout. Carefully dancing a minuet off & on for 4 yrs, time was about to run out on the two star-crossed (?) lovers. Neither was brave enough to come out and say what both wanted desperately to say. “I’m crazy-obsessed about you.” “Let’s be somewhere alone.” “Lets go see ( YouTube - Van Halen - Why Can`t This Be Love (Official Music Video) High Quality ) in concert.” anything.

Instead we teased, flirted, and heart ached ourselves to sleep at night often.
We watched each other flirt, converse, and touch other would be suitors, until finally graduation gave us the desperate circumstance we needed to bravely seek out each other’s heartfelt ambitions towards one another.

It was at the graduation dance; Alexandra could bear it no longer and made the first move. Maybe it was dancing w/ Jeannette that made her jealous and ask me to dance to the disco hit “ring my bell” YouTube - Studio 54 - Ring My Bell - Anita Ward - RetroMIX By Gponto .
But whatever it was, we found ourselves outside on a beautiful NY summers night looking into one another’s eyes and talking about whether or not we’d ever see each other again since we were going to separate colleges and had differing vocational plans afterwards etc. We held hands. We kissed gently, but intently, w/
a passion we knew not how to fully express w/ each embrace. She told me how she felt all along about loving me and I told her how I held her above all and felt both fearful of losing her and yet unworthy of her at the same time. Torturous ambivalence indeed!

She went off for an internship that summer before college. I kept busy w/ my friends and dancing like John Travolta in every good disco we could find. But she & I finally came together that late august of ’79. We went to a movie in Scarsdale. I can’t begin to tell you what the movie was about as Alexandra was rockin’ my world w/ her kisses, her touches, her scent, and her beautiful smile. I don’t remember anything said, if much was said, but I do remember she made me literally cum in my jeans! (Pardon the cliché, but it’s true)

Now the decisive moment (drum rolls….) arrives. We drive to my home. We talk more about getting serious w/ each other but we both have reservations about the distance thing w/ separate colleges, studies, other people, etc. My folks are already asleep, and I’m debating taking her up to my room to which she seems willing to go.
What’s stopping me are two things I am immediately aware of. 1st, I really care for Alexandra. She’s not just another sex object to eat or play with. I’m really afraid of losing a good friend,(and perhaps a big time rel’shp later down mature road?) to a messy emotional sexual rollercoaster rel’shp trip.

2nd , as she makes me more & more painfully aware, she needs a commitment from me before she can go ahead w/ our impending hormone fest, re: steady or not steady, dating others or not dating others. It was almost as if meatloaf was on the radio w/ us there that night in my car, playing his first major hit: YouTube - Meat Loaf - Paradise By The Dashboard Light
So what did I do? Some of you may have guessed it. I chose friendship over getting my rox off a fox. Do I regret it now? Probably so! For many yrs I didn’t regret it, but alas in the fullness of time, I still lost her, so why not explore the “to be” side of our equation? Did she appreciate the sacrifice? No, I do not think so. I think she took it very personal. Though we stayed friends for some time even after college, she wound up marrying her college beau after graduating, and I before her to my college flame at the time.
Yet there was one time before we both graduated, that she was thinking of breaking up w/ this (very nice) guy. She was asking me for my advice/opinion. Oh was I tempted again, to think only of my self w/ her. I think I waffled on my advice, as I wasn’t sure if she was serious or was testing to see where I stood on my feelings for her.

We lost touch over the yrs. Last, I heard she’s still marr’d to the same nice fella.
She knew of my first divorce, as we talked briefly about it many yrs ago. I told her it felt like half of me was ripped away. I think that resonated w/ her as she decided to stick out her own ho-hum marriage (her words), to which I am glad.

Could she be the “one who got away?” Maybe. Though I came to see her older self as more demanding, insensitive, and assertive, many analytical yrs later, and this causes me to pause on the likelihood we could’ve worked out, long term.(as I can be a pain in the neck also….. )

I feel sad to think that she maybe harbors some kind of grudge that I didn’t decide to pursue “us” come what may, way back when. For when I attended a h.s. reunion in ’99, she was not there, but instead had shared w/ some female friends
bogus inconsequential reasons why she didn’t join us, a mere hour plus travel time away.

So let it not be said that men are not capable of putting women in “the pen” either.
Granted we don’t do that nearly as often as women do, but we do indeed do it. Yet I wonder ladies, how many of you have any “pen” placement regrets that you are willing to admit here, in the safety of a cyber land forum such as T.A.M.?
Alternatively, for that matter how many of the ladies here are “open” to discuss the ones they “enjoyed” before demoting them to “the pen” or forgetting them altogether?

And most of all……could you/can you……….feel the pain of it all.



“oh the pain, the pain, the pain of it all………!”

cb45

oh......
and for u young ones (more than half the rm?) that picture above was of Dr Smith from the TV show (1960's) "lost in space."

it was also his most famous/noteworthy phrase.

sailorgirl

I have friends who are male and who I have no sexual interest in. If any of my male friends are having thoughts about me sexually, then I am not aware of it. But then again I'm not very pretty anyways.