sunnycoast

Please bear with me as this is my first post.

Need some honest advice from the ladies on this.

Sunday morning was just relaxing in bed with my wife, when I got up to get a drink of water. When I returned to bed, my wife was awake and I started to give her a nice cuddle and stated to pet her clitoris. She moved my hand away and told me just to "relax" and then started to talk about the day ahead. I took this to mean "Ok, doesn't feel like making love this morning", no huge issue, as after marriage for almost 12 years, sex with my wife has pretty well slowed down to maybe once a week anyway.

The thing was, after 10 minutes of chat, I got up to go downstairs and to get showered and dressed. But when I came back up the stairs to grab my jeans, I see my wife is still in bed and even though she has the sheets over her, she is obviously masturbating. I just grabbed my jeans and left the room as I didn't want to embarrass her.

I REALLY don't have a problem with her masturbating, in fact I have told her before that if I was away on work, she should be comfortable using her vibrator if she felt the need. I have also told her that, on occasion I have masturbated as well, and she has actually walked in on me in the act as well. I guess I am looking at this from a man's perspective, but when I masturbate, it is normally a case of my need to release when her drive doesn't match up with mine, or it has been maybe 10 days to 2 weeks between love making.My problem is, why does my wife masturbate when only 10 minutes earlier, her husband was giving what I thought were clear signals I would like to make love,yet to be told "just relax", moving my hand away from her intimate areas, and yet I walk into the room to find her getting off?

Again ladies, I am not saying she is not entitled to masturbate, but given the situation I feel this was a real mixed message. Was I wrong to feel hurt that I was rejected only to find her taking care of business on her own? Any thoughts?

Blanca

i dont think you were wrong to feel hurt. its pretty obvious that she didnt want to be intimate with you. has she complained about the sex in the marriage? maybe she just wanted something quick and simple and is just a poor communicator? have you ever asked her how often she masturbates?

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

lbell629

You shouldn't feel stupid and you should ask your wife about it. Right now you can only guess as to what was really going on and why she was doing it, but you'll never know for sure until you talk to her. For all you know she wasn't in the mood when you were there wanting to have sex but maybe she was getting into the mood by the time you left so she felt the need to take care of herself. We could probably give you a million reasons why she was doing what she did, but you won't know for sure unless you ask her.

michzz

You do not know for sure that this meant she didn't want sex. Maybe she didn't want to be touched there first. A slower approach could have been it.

OR

You started the launch sequence and she was thinking of getting some from you after she'd signaled noninterest.

OR

Maybe she wanted you to catch her and and hve sex and you misinterpreted.

Then again, you could be spot on.

If I were you I would ask her about it.

cb45

just plain selfish of her.
its not rocket science here folks.
whys that u say? well, i think she noticed him tho' he says not.

thus u have what many men here have written about, and that is being taken for granted.

lime

It could also be that she knows better than you what she likes, and she doesn't want to bother with sex--after all, she knows exactly what feels best, and doing it herself is the quickest and easiest way.

Next time, you could stay with her and let her keep touching herself--involve yourself by kissing her, etc. but don't try to take over for her. Watch what she does and learn from it, and show your enthusiasm that she's taking interest in her own sexuality, even if she's not interested in intercourse. This might make her feel more comfortable sharing her likes and dislikes with you, and it might create some fun new opportunities. The trick is to show interest and involve yourself while still letting her take initiative--if you do this instead of leaving the room, she will feel more accepted, and you won't feel like you have been rejected.

aw5756

I have done this before and I can tell you that it's because reaching the big "O" is nearly impossible during sex for me. Sometimes, I want to make love to my husband regardless of the outcome because it feels good to be that close. And other times, I just really need to climax to help relieve some stress and it happens everytime I masterbate. It's a messed up situation and I hate it being that way but it is very difficult for women to achieve that result during sex.

sunnycoast

Thanks for the info and input everyone, this has been an amazing help. I know my wife does have a lot of trouble having an orgasm during intercourse, regardless of how long I take, even when I offer to stimulate her afterward (maybe its a subconscious thing). I guess what I am truly grateful for is that at least she feels comfortable enough to give herself pleasure this way, so thanks again for listening.

Therealbrighteyes

The stats say that nearly 80% of women cannot climax during vaginal sex. Sometimes we just want to get off without having to please a partner. I was only able to climax during intercouse 6 months ago. I am 38 and have been married for nearly 17 years. I still loved sex and it was because he is a great lover, despite being very frustrated that I could not climax during sex.
God played a cruel joke on mankind when he put the clitoris so far away from the vagina.

Therealbrighteyes

And Sunnycoast might I add, this might sound odd coming from a woman, but here goes....
Men use porn. Why? Sometimes it is the easiest way to get off. No expectation. Just you and yourself. How is a woman using a vibrator any different? I will admit, men don't like to hear that. It's a double standard.

sunnycoast

Just a quick update on where we are at...

Finally got up the courage to ask wife why she felt the need to masturbate when her husband was giving what I thought were clear signals I was ready to make love. Dear wife informs me that I sometimes don't give the impression I am ready to go (deep down I know that's true at times...sometimes I "withheld" sex waiting to see if she would be the one to initiate once in a while).

Told her that I understand the need to masturbate at times, and made sure she knew I was comfortable with her doing so IF it meant that she was willing to make sure my needs were satisfied as well.

She also told me she finds it VERY difficult to orgasm through vaginal sex, and finds she gets frustrated with herself that she is having trouble doing so. Again, I let her know that please don't be afraid to let me know if she needs more manual stimulation or wants to use her vibrator after we have made love. I told her I understand that I can't physically complete with what a vibrator can do for her, but I also have come to terms with her using it on the basis that a vibrator can't give her the intimacy I can.

Thanks to all for your posts. It has been a help.

posh7

Have you tried differnt positions? I find it sad that so many women find it difficult to climax.

lynst

Keff

Your not the only one out there bud. Ask her if she needs any help, or if you could do anything to make it more "sexy".
Do not know if this will help as I am going through the same with my wife..doh!!

Catherine602

Ahhhh strange but you Id the problem but seemed to gloss over the solution.

She is sexually frustrated that is the problem. She is telling you that she would like you to work at getting her to orgasm when she has sex with you. She is probably left frustrated seeing you orgasm using her body. Telling her that the "intimacy" that you provide is better than an orgasm with a toy on her own, seems a little obtuse. She obviously does not agree with you. She enjoys the orgasms that masturbation gives her and needs to experience them with you and that seems to be more satisfying than the "intimacy" with you absent of orgasms.

If she has an orgasm by herself then she is capable of having them when you both have sex. You have to work on it with her. Instead of telling her to bring a toy to do herself after taking care of you you needs, tell her that you want to make sure that she has orgasms with you and you want to work on it. Your response to her frustration seemed to center on what you need and what she should be happy with. It will not work, she told you about the problem and your response seemed off hand and insensitive, especially the intimacy thing. I suppose intimacy means hugs kisses cuddling? Woman need orgasms too, that's what you wife is telling you.

Let her know that you care about her pleasure and orgasms and that since she has told you about her frustration, you will work on it with her. If you need more information about female sexuality then read the many good books on female orgasms and what women need to help you wife.