Should I chase after her or give her space?

JW24792 · 07-07-2010, 12:00 PM

Please help, My wife and I have been married 11 years and we have 2 kids (10 & 5). She is a very emotional person and I am lacking in that area. It's has always been a hurdle in our relationship, but she has always said she feels we were meant to be together and I agree. About 1 month ago we had a fight and I said something's I regret. She left with the kids and went to FLA to stay with her parents (we live now in Minnesota), something she has never done before. She told me she's seriously considering divorce because she hasn't felt like herself in many years. She feels I'm overpowering her and she has lost herself. I was following her and the kids on her facebook account (pics, etc.). She gave me her password about a year ago because we had a fight over her talking with her high school /college boyfriend about our relationship and it bothered me. She gave me the password as a sign she was not doing that any longer. About 1 week into her trip I found she had initiated contact with this old boyfriend and tried to have on-line sex chat with him one night. He wasn't really into it and it fizzled, but she was the aggressor and saying sex things to him that she has never said to me. I confronted her and it was a huge fight for several days. I came to my senses and realized that probably wouldn't have happened if not for this fight and said I could get past it if she would talk to me.She won't talk with me now about anything more than superficial issue, even though I've been apologizing and begging her to come home. I've tried flowers, thoughtful cards with gifts and many love e-mails. I've told her that this experience has opened my eyes and I want to change. I've suggested she come home and we go through counseling to deal with the way I deal with her and her sex chat episode. She has since gone over to our old home in TX that we moved from about 5 months ago and are still trying to sell. She really isn't talking at this point and I feel she is leaning towards divorce and just waiting for our home in TX to sell. I am thinking of driving from Minnesota where I am down to TX to "chase after her" and beg her to come back and work with me to save our marriage. I don't know if this is a good move, because she has been saying she wants time alone to find herself. What should I do leave her alone and simply call every other day to talk with the kids or drive across the country to chase after her and show her how much I love her and want to fix this?? Please help.

Neverwouldhave guessed · 07-07-2010, 01:01 PM

Well, I think one month is kind of a long time to cool off if this was just a serious argument. Here are a couple of suggestions, not knowing some of the specifics:

1. If you are being semi-ridiculous in your attempt to contact her (greater than 1-2 times/day), you need to back off. Begging and groveling never got anyone anywhere. If you have been trying to reach her that 1-2 times per day, try 1-2 days without trying to contact her.

2. How close are you to her parents or other family members? Can you call them for insight/help?

3. I would not drive all the way to FL without a plan. Think through details like - would you let her or her family know you are coming?, what are you going to say and do?,etc.

4. Those are your kids too, and legally, she can't just disappear indefinately. You have a legal right to see your own kids. If she is serious about separation or divorce, you need to get an attorney.

Hope these tidbits help. Good luck!

Amplexor · 07-07-2010, 01:09 PM

The more you chase further she will run. Begging, pleading and not showing confidence in yourself will only further lower your stature in her eyes. If she feels you have control issues showing up at the door will only reinforce those. Give her the space she's asking for. Let her know you are willing to give marriage another shot but don't revolve around that. Keep conversations at a "business" level about the kids, selling the house. Read Dobson's Love Must be Tough.