Ok I am 30 years old my husband is soon to be 37. We have been married for almost 7 years together for 9 1/2.
Over the years my weight has fluctuated and in the last 3-4 months was at its highest. I have gained 95lbs since the day we got married. I have gone on diets again and again lose some weight only to slowly put it back on. My husband has made comments encouraging, mean, nasty etc. over the years and has even said things about my weight and I guess quite honestly I never took them too seriously or we would just fight about it because I thought he was being mean.
About 2-3 months ago he told me that I had lost my confidence...that I dont care about what I look like anymore, my weight is an issue, I dont do anything with my hair anymore and all I wear is jeans and t-shirts. I completely agreed with him.....I told him he was absolutley right and that I wasnt happy with myself and I needed to change that. So I started slowly by doing my hair and putting on a little makeup (never wore much to begin with). I work in an environment that dressing up in inappropriate so I wear jeans, t-shirts and sneakers everyday. Then I started eating better and exercising since this began I have lost 30.5lbs. Well 3 weeks ago he hit me with the he didnt want to be married anymore.....and just kept saying he is unhappy.
After some time he has finally admitted that my weight is a big problem for him. My husband is a very good looking man and he said he didnt want to tell me because he thought it sounded superficial but he couldnt help how he felt.
He moved out of the bedroom 2 weeks ago and suggested that one of us needs to move out. I am afraid that no matter what I do I have already lost him. My friends that I have talked to have differing opinions. I know I am on the right track but I know in the back of his mind he is also thinking about how long will it last this time....is there anything I can do that might convince him otherwise? I know that I let this happen because I didnt take his comments seriously any advice would be helpful.
A couple of my friends are adamant that he doesnt want a divorce because he is still wearing his ring and he hasnt moved out of the house....
30.5lbs is awesome!! I think the only thing that would convince him that this is a lasting change is if you truly are doing this for yourself and not just to keep him/make him happy.
95lbs is a lot of weight to gain in 7 years time so if this has been due to using food as a comfort because you are unhappy, getting to the bottom of those issues and feeling better about who you are is what will make it last.
well done on losing the weight, you have made a start. unfortuately weight gain does not go in 5 minutes, unless your jennifer lopez. but talk to hubby again. get back in the same bed. find out if its what he really wants.
thats your start.
after my 2nd child i could not shift the weight. 18 months later stil down in dumps.
i got on scales and within 6 weeks lost a stone.
i can tell you love your hubby, but his concern is your weight, not n e thing else it seems.
so focus on that issue, obviously you have to do it for yourself ( if weight is making you unhappy) .
you might not win him back until its resolved.
so heres what i did to lose weight.
breakfast in am , breakfast for dinner and a cooked meal for tea.
or breakfast in am and a pink and white wafer for dinner and again a cooked meal for tea.
whenever i see my weight go up, i go back to that system every time.
i am a size 10/12. dont know wht that is, where your from .
but you can do it.
i dont do gyms. but i put the music on in my house (full blast) and dance. so you reduce calories and increase exercise.
nobody sees u in your home and you can do it til your hearts content.
do this every day with the breakfast and just tell your husband you need him to be there for you. sex is also good for reducing calories. have fun whilst your losing weight.
30.5lbs is awesome!! I think the only thing that would convince him that this is a lasting change is if you truly are doing this for yourself and not just to keep him/make him happy.
95lbs is a lot of weight to gain in 7 years time so if this has been due to using food as a comfort because you are unhappy, getting to the bottom of those issues and feeling better about who you are is what will make it last.
I am doing it for me because when he finally did say something to me about my confidenece I was in complete agreement with him. And I realized that I needed to do it for me.
I am not a comfort food eater...I think it came down to we ate out alot and grabbing fast food for lunch and our activity level just got reduced. He gained some weight to dont get me wrong but he is also down 32lbs (he still isnt at our marriage weight) but he just had a belly...it wasnt really a big deal to me. I still think he is the most handsome man in the world.
well done on losing the weight, you have made a start. unfortuately weight gain does not go in 5 minutes, unless your jennifer lopez. but talk to hubby again. get back in the same bed. find out if its what he really wants.
thats your start.
after my 2nd child i could not shift the weight. 18 months later stil down in dumps.
i got on scales and within 6 weeks lost a stone.
i can tell you love your hubby, but his concern is your weight, not n e thing else it seems.
so focus on that issue, obviously you have to do it for yourself ( if weight is making you unhappy) .
you might not win him back until its resolved.
so heres what i did to lose weight.
breakfast in am , breakfast for dinner and a cooked meal for tea.
or breakfast in am and a pink and white wafer for dinner and again a cooked meal for tea.
whenever i see my weight go up, i go back to that system every time.
i am a size 10/12. dont know wht that is, where your from .
but you can do it.
i dont do gyms. but i put the music on in my house (full blast) and dance. so you reduce calories and increase exercise.
nobody sees u in your home and you can do it til your hearts content.
do this every day with the breakfast and just tell your husband you need him to be there for you. sex is also good for reducing calories. have fun whilst your losing weight.
My husband has a hobby that requires us to travel so I went with him this past weekend and we shared a bed because we had someone with us and he cuddled with me all weekend. Then when we got home he went back to his room...when I asked him why he cuddled with me he said he was lonely and wanted to cuddle. A friend of mine suggested that I not push the issue of the seperate rooms..but at night when we go to bed go in his room and just hang out for a little bit. Which I have done the last two nights...so baby steps right!
He might feel the need to be honest with wearing the ring or to stay faithful until you two are parted.
As for the weight, you can continue but do so for yourself. A healthier you will bring more confidence too. This will only benefit you with or without him.
Thanks for the additional info. it always helps when responding.
I'm glad to hear you are not a comfort food eater because if it's just a matter of bad eating habits/lack of exercise, it will be more of a matter of getting over those old cravings/habits and the more you see the results of how much better you look/feel the less you even want to go back, so that's all good.
I do think that most people find confident people attractive, even with extra pounds. There is a lot to be said for the way you carry yourself. I know for me personally this is true. I'm not sure if that's more what your husband is saying or if it truly is a weight issue, but I really think the best thing you can do is to put all of your energy into the things you are currently doing for yourself.
Saying he was lonely and wanted to cuddle to me is a really positive sign. I agree, baby steps.
The more excited you are about your new diet/exercise the more he will believe you are in it for the long haul because he will notice the difference in your energy level, mood, etc. This can seem almost impossible (to feel and be happy when you are worried about the state of your marriage) but sometimes if you focus on all of the progress you are making you can somewhat 'force' a good mood.
You can also try asking him to join in on the exercise...go for walks together, etc. One thing I would avoid is complaining about dieting/exercising in front of him. That might give him the impression that this is a quick fix that you cannot wait to finish and stop (not saying that you are, just another thought)
Thanks for the additional info. it always helps when responding.
I'm glad to hear you are not a comfort food eater because if it's just a matter of bad eating habits/lack of exercise, it will be more of a matter of getting over those old cravings/habits and the more you see the results of how much better you look/feel the less you even want to go back, so that's all good.
I do think that most people find confident people attractive, even with extra pounds. There is a lot to be said for the way you carry yourself. I know for me personally this is true. I'm not sure if that's more what your husband is saying or if it truly is a weight issue, but I really think the best thing you can do is to put all of your energy into the things you are currently doing for yourself.
Saying he was lonely and wanted to cuddle to me is a really positive sign. I agree, baby steps.
The more excited you are about your new diet/exercise the more he will believe you are in it for the long haul because he will notice the difference in your energy level, mood, etc. This can seem almost impossible (to feel and be happy when you are worried about the state of your marriage) but sometimes if you focus on all of the progress you are making you can somewhat 'force' a good mood.
You can also try asking him to join in on the exercise...go for walks together, etc. One thing I would avoid is complaining about dieting/exercising in front of him. That might give him the impression that this is a quick fix that you cannot wait to finish and stop (not saying that you are, just another thought)
I think you are exaclty right....I asked him if he wanted a divorce in the very beginning and he said "I dont know" the other day the answer he gave me was "I think so" so I still think he is unsure and even though "I think so" isnt a "no" but it isnt a "yes" either. All I have is hope so thats what I am going to hold onto for now.
i had goosebumps reading your mail. it was nice you shared a bed. it wil take time. we all go through that i do , i dont know stage.
we all have twinges in relationships.
but i dont think your losing this battle, you can win it.
this is fact and my hubby and i are the same.
most ppl put on weight over time and age.
this is fact - and researched. for our every 10 years we gain a stone. its not down to eating. your metabolism slows down.
but at least you are aware of your food downfalls ( as i am ) chocoholic. but i know when i must stop.
and we all have fridge moments.
but for your hubby to cuddle you, tells me alot. hes not ready to give you up. there is no one else. hes just having his own bit of time out.
I ahve to admit if my wife gained 95Lbs since we were married, I would be very upset.
I have blatantly told my wife she needs to get in shape for health reasons. I think she is a georgous women, but not if she get's lazy and get's fat.
The problem is he waited to long to tell you, it has probably been eating at him for a long time.
Sit down with him, maybe you can discuss about working out together, maybe he can be your coach. He can help you eat better. make it a "team" effort. It is a lifestyle change and you need to change.
You may have a job wear you can wear jeans and sneakers, but you can still dress up somewhat, nice slacks and a nice blouse. My wife can wear some nice clothes to work, and then take them off soon as she gets home, and I say, why did you change? I didn't get a chance to look you over. (we are visual creatures) I feel bummed, Left out, when my wife wears asexy top to work, then changes to a t-shirt when she get's home, I understand the whole "comfort" thing, but hey, have a drink with me, let me drool over you a bit before you go change.
But I coach my wife, I have a routine she works out to and eats better becuase I brought it to her attention. Ask him for help and guidence about getting back into shape.
I don't think he wants a divorce, but he wants you in better shape, So honey losing 30 pounds is a great start!! Now keep going. Get him involved and communicate with him how much you love him and that you will do this for him.
If you put yourself in his shoes, what do you find more visually stimulating and arousing--- your husband at his ideal weight in good health or 95lbs overweight? My husband is amazed at the stamina he has now since he's lost some weight. You'll feel so much better if you lose it. He probably feels hopeless that you're saying you'll change but go back to old habits. Mind over matter. Make the choice.
I reread my last post and it sounded a little harsh. Sorry. It's just that I have been in your shoes before. I was always thin and then gained a bunch of weight during pregnancy. I couldn't stand the way I felt and I worked really hard to get it all back off. I had ballooned up to a size 16 and am now a 3. I've had to work hard all these years to maintain it but it's been worth it. I also know that I can be a better mother to my children and am limiting health risks by taking better care of myself. The self confidence you'll have will be a draw for your husband. You can do it.
I ahve to admit if my wife gained 95Lbs since we were married, I would be very upset.
I have blatantly told my wife she needs to get in shape for health reasons. I think she is a georgous women, but not if she get's lazy and get's fat.
The problem is he waited to long to tell you, it has probably been eating at him for a long time.
Sit down with him, maybe you can discuss about working out together, maybe he can be your coach. He can help you eat better. make it a "team" effort. It is a lifestyle change and you need to change.
You may have a job wear you can wear jeans and sneakers, but you can still dress up somewhat, nice slacks and a nice blouse. My wife can wear some nice clothes to work, and then take them off soon as she gets home, and I say, why did you change? I didn't get a chance to look you over. (we are visual creatures) I feel bummed, Left out, when my wife wears asexy top to work, then changes to a t-shirt when she get's home, I understand the whole "comfort" thing, but hey, have a drink with me, let me drool over you a bit before you go change.
But I coach my wife, I have a routine she works out to and eats better becuase I brought it to her attention. Ask him for help and guidence about getting back into shape.
I don't think he wants a divorce, but he wants you in better shape, So honey losing 30 pounds is a great start!! Now keep going. Get him involved and communicate with him how much you love him and that you will do this for him.
Best of luck!
Thanks for the insight =)
Like I said I completley understand where he is coming from and I think I know why it took him so long to come out and say it because he told me he didnt want to hurt me and it made him feel superficial. Which I tried to explain to him that I didnt take it that way at all.
About dressing up at work....I work for an Automotive Performance Shop and I have made some changes to look a little better but I cant really dress up with nice slacks or blouses because I move parts around not necessarily greasy stuff but tires etc. I am the office manager but we are a small company and we all pitch in and do a little of everything. Another reason why I wear sneakers is because you dont want your toes exposed in this place you might lose one! Like I said I have made steps to look more presentable by doing my hair and makeup instead of wearing a pony tail and now that I have lost some weight I am tucking my t-shirts in and wearing a belt (which I need a new one cause its too big now) instead of leaving them hanging out and looking sloppy. I am still girly as with getting my nails and toes done religously. And I have to say just the changes I have made are making me feel alot better about myself which is awesome!
If you put yourself in his shoes, what do you find more visually stimulating and arousing--- your husband at his ideal weight in good health or 95lbs overweight? My husband is amazed at the stamina he has now since he's lost some weight. You'll feel so much better if you lose it. He probably feels hopeless that you're saying you'll change but go back to old habits. Mind over matter. Make the choice.
Your absolutley right and thats what I told him when he finally said something and he said he felt superficial. I told him I couldnt blame him because I cant say I wouldnt feel the same way if he was the one that had gained 95lbs.
I know that I am the one that did this and only I can fix it....I dont have a problem with him being "superficial" as he called it I have a problem if he isnt willing to try to work through it.
I reread my last post and it sounded a little harsh. Sorry. It's just that I have been in your shoes before. I was always thin and then gained a bunch of weight during pregnancy. I couldn't stand the way I felt and I worked really hard to get it all back off. I had ballooned up to a size 16 and am now a 3. I've had to work hard all these years to maintain it but it's been worth it. I also know that I can be a better mother to my children and am limiting health risks by taking better care of myself. The self confidence you'll have will be a draw for your husband. You can do it.
Your post wasnt harsh at all...I would rather people be honest than sugar coat something. I understand that the changes I am making now are going to be lifelong changes. I already have it set in my mind that I will not go back to the heavier weight. I weigh myself everyday (Im an instant gratification person) and once I reach my goal I will continue to weight myself everday and if the scale starts to tip more than 5-10 lbs the wrong way then I will know I need to change something.
Weight ruining marriage
