Well my letter to BIL didn't go so well. He called my hubby and told him I was a fu+&%$# liar and that his wife would not say the things that I have told him.yes,she did. I had no reason to lie. My hubby let him have it and told him that he heard her say things too. It really ticks me off when BIL KNOWS she lies and everything has to be a secret. But I responded back to him and told him that he had every right to belive his wife as he has to live with her. I don't care what he does next as I have let it goooo.
My niece and nephew came for the weekend and we had a blast. My hubby who usually doesn't do anything, was involved all weekend and even told me he had such a great time. We had a fight on Thursday and I told him that I did want a divorce because he does not understand me and I guess I can not let go of the last twelve years of him being totally absent and now he thinks his six months of trying should make up of years of lonliness. I feel lonely now and he is here. He is trying but kissing him or him trying to hold me feels akward. He told me that he realizes what he did and wants to be there now. He suggested marraige counseling. I don't care to go. Last time, he didn't like what was said and quit going. I just feel like it is too late. He should have been there a long time ago. If he would have stuck up for me with his family,been a dad, and participated in our marraige. I would have attempted to work this out. He said I haven't given him a chancein the last six months..maybe he is right but I have to get off this crisis mode all the time.
I feel like I have gone dead inside.all I can think about is working on me and the kids. I don't see the hubby there. Is this a sign? Posted via Mobile Device
Tonight my husband scheduled a marraige counseling session with our parish priest. I am not sure how I feel about this as the last priest informed me I needed to forgive hubby from having the EA and be a good wife. It was my duty.
I am trying to be patient. He bought me a kindle last week. He asked me out to lunch today. I think he felt bad cause his dad is in town and gave our Christmas gifts. I got a medical encyclopedia from 1998 that came from a thrift store. I just don't even care. His brother has not made any attempt to right his wrongs and yet my hubby talks to him on a daily basis. I feel this is being disloyal to me.
Hopefully this priest will have words of wisdom........ Posted via Mobile Device
Well it turns out that the priest apparently forgot his appointment. Hubby mighty distraught as it made him look bad. I took opportunity to do emotional questionairre that evening. Posted via Mobile Device
EA lot of things have happened this week. First, hubby's dad came from out of state. He is a total user. When he realized hubby was not going to repair his car for free,he informed hubby that we would see them once out of a two week visit. They also brought Christmas presents. They are sooo cheap. His wife(stepmom to hubby) called me the day before they came, all flustered as they had not gotten anything for my son. I stated he is goingto be a teenager,money or gift card. He was the only one that made out. He got fifty dollar certificate for Christmas and birthday. My daughter got a used perfume bottle(no perfume in it) and a nail set from dollar store. I got a medical book(as I am earning my medical degree with the kids. They said this to me) it is dated from 1988. My hubby got a book too. Both came from a thrift store. Hubby's disappointment in his father is getting really huge.
Hubby upset over the priest forgetting appointment. The marraige builders questionairre for emotional needs really helped with understanding not only my feelings but his. I think he sees what I mean after his dad's visit. He has repeated the same behaviors.
He has started helping out with the kids, and household chores. He says he wants to be a better man. But I don't think it is that easy. Last night he brought a glass of water into living room. When he sat it down,it tipped and spilled into the floor. He blamed a piece of paper for tilting it,then he goes into kitchen,freaks out that somebody used the last paper towel and didn't replace it, then he gets mad garbage is way past full. I waited until he stopped carrying on like a mad man and pointed out that this was nothing. You spilled some water,so wht? Just grab a towel and clean it up! It is not anyone's fault. He sat there stewing and then he says I am sorry that he made me uncomfortable. I question wether he really got it, but this is a deal breaker for me. I see my daughter doing this. I feel if you can't deal with the small stuff, there is no way I can talk to you about the big stuff.
I see that I am changing and voicing my needs more. By the way,I got my kindle! Woo hoo! I was like a kid in a candy store! I LOVE it. I made sure I thanked him and he was very pleased.I am not sure if it really was the gift, but the fact I voiced what I wanted and didn't back down and say take the money,pay a bill. I am so sick of being the marter, I really want to do better for myself. Today, I found out that my insurance covers a year gym membership at Gold's gym. I am going today to sign up! Posted via Mobile Device
Great news all around! I, too, am speaking up. Just this week we had real conversations about money, something I'd hidden from for 30 years; it was so freeing to be a real adult in a real conversation with him about it, AND to be heard and NOT yelled at!
Quick thought about the anger at the spilled glass: This may not apply to him but a lot of people, when they make a mistake, blow up in anger to hide their embarrassment or shame.
I do know hubby never has felt he is good enough. His childhood sucked, he overheard his mother tell the attorney at their divorce/custody hearings that she didn't care about hubby just take her ex for all he is worth.
Found out his father dresses as a woman and kept it a secret. Then at Christmas his dad tells him they are putting on plays and he is a woman. His wife(stepmom) thinks this is funny and all just a game. He has a female name and has been running errands dressed like that. he says it is for fun with the plays but we know it goes farther than that and this is his way of doing it and getting out of the closet without telling the truth.
I know hubby feels like he is not earning enough to support family but we have two chronically ill kids,no one can do everything to support them! We just do the best we can. I think it makes him feel less of a man as his brother is very successful.
Hubby blows up in anger over little things like this all the time. When he does it,it is like he can't just take responsibiity for it and move on. He has to find someone or something to blame it on.his dad does this too. When the kids do something, he freaks out the same way. Then makes comments like he always does this. I could care less,if you drop it,clean it up! No biggie. My parents would beat me senseless or I would get a knock on the head (like a knock on the door) by my mother. I refuse to do that to my kids. I know my daughter is more sensitive to this than son. She burst into tears for dropping one of my favorite plates. And freezes like she is going to be clobbered(although she NEVER has). I just tell her, I can replace it, I can't replace her. It doesn't matter,she still cries for an hour. I think this is cause hubby would freak out about it in the pst. Posted via Mobile Device
A person with toxic shame spends his whole life worrying about whether people will find out the awful truth: that they are a fraud, worthless, unworthy of love, and to be put down. They spend their whole life putting on a front. And deflecting whenever they do something that could get them in trouble, like the water. Anger is the best deflection for them because it turns the other person into having to defend themselves or, at least, staying out of his way.
Some info (but the best thing to do is read "Healing The Shame That Binds You," by Bradshaw):
Neurotic Syndromes of Shame -
Toxic shame is an all pervasive sense that I am flawed. It is a belief that we are worthless and defective as a human being. It is more than just a fleeting feeling of unworthiness, it is an internal sense of falling short. If we experience toxic shame, it is difficult to recognize. As Bradshaw says, "A shame based person will guard against exposing his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against exposing himself to himself."
- Internalization of Shame -
Internalization of shame involves at least 3 processes:
1) Identification with Shame-Based Models
The need to identify with someone, to belong is one of our most basic human needs. Second only to self-preservation. This begins
with our primary caregivers and significant others. When children have shame-based caregivers and significant others, they identify with them. This is the first step in internalizing shame.
2) Abandonment: The Legacy of Broken Mutuality
Children find love, acceptance and identity in the mirroring eyes of their parents or primary caregivers. Abandonment can include this
lack or loss of positive mirroring, not just physical abandonment. Besides physical desertion and lack of mirroring, abandonment
includes any of the following:
- Abuse of any kind
- Enmeshment into the needs of the parents
3) Interconnection of Memory Imprints
Shaming experiences are recorded in a child's memory banks. As Bradshaw explains, "Because the victim has no time or support to
grieve the pain of the broken mutuality, his emotions are repressed and the grief is unresolved." Any future experience which even vaguely resembles the original shame-based trauma can easily TRIGGER the words, sights, sounds, smells or other senses involved in the original trauma.
- Self-Alienation and Isolation
Alienation means that you experience parts of yourself that are alien to you. For example, I was shamed for crying during my childhood abuse. Therefore, feeling grief and crying became an alienated part of myself. When ever I feel grief now, I often experience toxic shame.
This is why it is so important to lean how to heal the toxic shame that binds us to our past trauma in order to adequately process
these unresolved emotions.
- Shame as the False Self
"Because the exposure of self to self lies at the heart of neurotic shame, escape from the self is necessary." This is accomplished by
creating a false self.
- Shame as Co-Dependency
As discussed on the Nurturing Parent page, people who are co-dependent try to get their inner child's needs met through another
adult and/or they focus all of their nurturing abilities on other adults (usually a significant other) who are trying to get these needs met through others. People who are co-dependent have no inner life.
They lack the ability to get their needs met from within themselves.
Therefore, happiness and feelings of self-validation are found outside themselves.
- Shame as Borderline Personality
Many psychiatrists today see many types of mental illness as rooted in neurotic shame. Borderline Personality involves self-image
disturbance, difficulty identifying and expressing one's own thoughts and difficulty with self-assertion.
- Shame as the Core and Fuel of all Addiction
Toxic shame turns a person into a "human doing" rather than a human being. A person's self-worth is measured by what they DO on the outside instead of what is on the inside. Addiction is a self-fulfilling shame based behavior. One seeks mood alteration and emotion numbing with the addictive behavior. What follows is shame over one's behavior and the resulting consequences; i.e. hangover, infidelity, etc.
This toxic shame fuels the addiction and starts the process all over again.
- Shame as Guilt
Healthy guilt is at the core of our conscience. It helps us determine right from wrong. Toxic guilt carries a sense of hopelessness, since one believes they are flawed beyond repair.
- Character Disorder Syndromes of Shame
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The narcissist is continually motivated to find perfection in everything she does. Beneath this external facade lies an emptiness. This emptiness is caused by internalized shame.
Bradshaw believes that "the paranoid defense is a posture developed to cope with excessive shame." Any wrongdoings on the part of the paranoid person are disowned and transferred to others as kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy of the betrayal they knew was coming.
The criminal offender "acts out" in much the same way as he was originally victimized. This is often referred to as the CYCLE of abuse. Unless we find help and healing for this victimization we are bound to carry on in the victim role, seeking out others who we instinctively know will abuse us or we will reenact it over and over again. Parents who physically or sexually abuse their children were typically abused similarly when they were young.
Grandiosity is a disorder of the will. It can appear in one of two extremes: in being more than human or less than human. A person with a disabled will can believe they are the best of the best or the worst of the worst. Bradshaw explains it this way: "As emotions get bound by shame, their energy is frozen, which blocks the full interaction between the mind and the will." Without the thinking mind, the will is blind and can cause severe problems, such as trying to control everything or willing in absolute extremes (all or nothing).
- Toxic Shame as Spiritual Bankruptcy
Spirituality is about BEING. Spirituality makes us human. Toxic shame is de-humanizing. Toxic shame creates a life dominated by DOING. Since it is based on a belief that what's inside is flawed, it looks outward for self-worth and justification.
Wow! I am going to have to research it today. A couple of them apply but I can also see a couple of examples fitting me. Need to mull this over!
This weekend bit the dust. Hubby's brother of course, needed his car fixed and only my hubby could look at it. It never fails that when the brother calls, my hubby is conveiently not busy at that moment. Brother decided to buy a new car,so his wife has to come to my hubby's job.Hubby is all nice to her. I am thinking WTF????? Your brother just called me a f#$$= liar and you know I did not lieand it was his wife that did and you are NICE to her? Brother stated regardless of what goes on with me he wanted to make sure that it didn't effect his relationship with his brother. I look at it as you just insulted my wife dude,knowing your wife is a living freak show,yes,it is going to effect our relationship. Not my hubby, he assures brother that they were just fine. Doesn't that just seem wrong or is it me?
I feel like there is family loyalty and hubby has choosen his side. Between dealing with his father. Who is an a--, his mother who comes from out of state(who is declared legally blind,but can see whatever she wants to) stays three weeks at a time and guess who has her? Then the deal with his brother, and his mom and aunt get on to me that I need to open my heart,we all know the way SIL is and I am seperating the family. Excuse me? If SIL has been the problem all along and we have stayed quite for brother's sake, why do I get the blame when I stand up for myself? My feelings are really hurt.
Hubby set up another meeting forTuesday with priest. I have no intention of taking this seriously at this point. If he can't be loyal to his own family,I don't see this changing. I don't care what the priest says about it being my duty and I am to forgive. Why is it, I am the one asked to change, when SIL causes all the issues. Why am I to change if hubby is continuing his loyalty to them when he knows they were wrong? Posted via Mobile Device
Just keep repeating that to the priest: Why is it YOU are supposed to forgive and give up what makes YOU happy, when he isn't asking your HUSBAND to give up what makes HIM happy (clinging to brother/SIL and family).
Don't back down. Make sure the priest answers that.
So met with priest tonight, he told me that I was one of the unhappiest people that he has seen in awhile. That I had to forgive hubby for EVERYTHING in rder to move forward. That since hubby has started changes, that I have to provide hubby a positive environment.
I brought up that I have two kids with chronic medical, myself and all three of them with ADHD. I do not have time to babysit a forty year old and make sure he remembers to do the things he is supposed to do.Priest stated that I need to make a decision because I should write it out for hubby. I state no hubby has android phone with all kinds of apps that HE can be responsible of writing it down(hubby just mentioned how computer savy/electronic savy he was). Priest said that wasn't who my hubby was and I have to accept that fact or move on.
He did catch hubby in excuse making about trying not planning a date night, helping with kids,etc....
Told me family is upset with me because I am finding my personal boundries and that since I was always people pleaser, that they have a hard time dealing with me changing and crossing the boundry lines.
He didn't seem to get my point that I expected hubby to put me first and our family. He kept asking why I needed to be put first. I said because as my husband, I put him first except when kids were sick. He stated that was why my hubby cheated and got himself into messes was because I didn't give him attention. I said, that is true but I had two kids under the age of two with chronic health conditions. Since hubby couldn't hold either of them, couldn't care for them, when did the priest feel that I should have neglected my kids to give him the attention he needed?
He then stated some people were meant to never have kids. I totally disagree with that. My kids are not a mistake and if hubby feels he can't be a father, he can't be a hubby either.
The priest set up another meeting and wants me to forget and forgive the past. Hubby needs to work on listening and learning more about his ADHD.
Seriously, again, I must provide hubby with all the encouragement, take care of the kids, all the housework, bills,and everything.How much do men think women can actually handle.
After I explained why I felt that I can't let go of the past because he does really well and then goes right back to behavior we were working on. The priest told me that I am a victim and until I can stop being the victim and support hubby then I am doomed.
Yep again, support the hubby!!
I didn't back down, gave recent examples of what I was talking about. I stayed calm, and never let the priest run over me but I felt like I was in an intervention for treating my hubby bad.
As much as I know it will fall on deaf ears, you should REPORT that priest for being INCOMPETENT!
OMFG! What a huge, stinking, reeking pile of HOOEY!
It's ALL about the MAN. The woman should ALWAYS SUPPPORT THE MAN! The woman shouuld STOP COMPLAINING AND JUST SUPPORT THE MAN!
Hon. do this one thing: tell your husband that you have given his 'priest' enough chances. Tell him that, if he wants to stay married to you, he will NOW go to YOUR therapist - one who actually went to COLLEGE for a PSYCHOLOGY degree, unlike a priest who was raised in, and believes in, a MAN-DOMINATED world.
Hubby and I discussed the whole event after I typed the event on here. I made it clear that I am not responsible to babysit him, he is 40 years old and I am not his mom.
I get the victim thing as we discussed the victim thing before, but I merely told him what has happened and what I am not allowing to go back to. I don't think I am a victim nor have I been a marter. But I will not allow myself to get lost again and deal with inappropriate behaviors because I am too scared to do anything about it.
I feel that I am certainly not perfect but hubby needs to own up to his responsibilities and realize after18 years, I can't forget in a day what happened. As I see that he is truly committed to me and our family. I need my physical and emotional needs met, and I need to focus on me for a change.
Hubby agreed the remarks about the kids and how some people are not meant to be parents was wrong. Hubby is all proud that after nine months the kids are responding to him. That is all neat and dandy but now they are old enough to fend for themselves, they are independent and certainly not half the work of bottles diaper bags,crying, and the real hard work. But his inability to literally help with any of our kids can not be explained away as oh, I had adhd. When our son was born, the doctor broke two spinal sacks in my spine. I lost spinal fluid and had to have three spinal taps to fix it. I didn't have the oppurtunity to just say well I have spinal headaches and my back hurts like hell, I can't deal with the baby! That was MY child and he needed to be cared for. I think he is using adhd as the entire excuse for all his behavior.