Once he feels loved by you, he will return the love.
I fought for two years over at marriagebuilders to do what I'm telling you to do. Why should I? HE was the one messing up the marriage! I just wanted people to agree with me.
Instead, they calmly and patiently kept doing what I am doing with you - pointing out that YOU are just as responsible for the state of your marriage as he is because he is right there with you, experiencing something. If it's negative, he will withdraw. If it's loving and wonderful, he will expand and give.
The #1 thing to do is try to see what he is seeing. Measure every single sentence you say. How does it sound, coming out of your mouth, from HIS side?
I told them once that I yelled back when my H yelled, and they chewed me out! I had no right yelling. But HE yelled. So? Does that mean you have to lower yourself to that level? Stop yelling. So I did. And he changed.
It's all reciprocal.
We haven't had affair/women issues. In fact, he doesn't want to do anything but be with me and DD19. It's smothering. So I can't help there. The best thing I can think to say is to explain to him (not judge him) how it feels to YOU when you are cheated on; help HIM see how YOU feel. And then leave it; he knows he hurts you; let him choose.
Are you ordering His Needs Her Needs? Read that first, and then do the Love Buster questionnaire from MB. That's what you need to do first - learn and eliminate your LBs of your husband, and he yours. The rest will fall into place.
Yes, I ordered the books but they have not arrived yet.
We went to dinner last night and he said he was feeling more in control than he has in a while. That could be a combination of the new meds and getting sleep. He has not slept so well in awhile.
After dinner, which was nice. He thinks that since dnner went well, then that should lead to sex. Dinner wasn't that good! The thing is I know that it his way of feeling better about stuff but I feel totally disconnected.
I tried to be nice and make conversation. I mentioned that I had found a site that I was using to help me get a better prospective and the first thing he asks was what my sign in name was. Whoa! I am not giving that out to him as I feel he would try to find the site and look me up. I have mentioned marraige builders so I think he will look to that. I told him that I did not feel comfortable stating the name as I want time to reflect and feel like I can say what needs to be said to get honest opinions.
I could tell that he was not happy with that. Then we get home and he wants to cuddle. I feel it to be uncomfortable. I tried to be nice and then he starts questions, don't you feel better, doesn't it make you feel safe and secure, aren't you happier? Well no, not really. Just because we have a nice dinner does not mean all the probs are solved. I feel this is his need for everything to be done and fixed or purchased right away. This isn't going to be a quick fix this time. I am not sure I even want to stay. I am at the point of we need to leave but I always wanted the one partner for life so shouldn't I attempt it one last time before starting the exit plan?
Just don't forget that men express love through SF. If you don't reciprocate, it means to him that you don't love him. It's fine to not be in the mood here or there, but to totally turn him away because your marriage is not perfect is a sure way to make him give up.
Ok so we have discussed all week what issues are bothering me and him. He says he understands and the med is slightly kicking in and he feels better than he has in a long time.
Last night we go to dinner as a family and he mentions that when we return he needs to run next door and borrow something from the neighbor. It should take a couple of minutes. I take the kids inside and an hour later, he still is not home. AFter another 30 minutes, I get the kids in bed, take dogs out, and get ready for bed. He shows up two hours after we returned home.
He comes in and starts same old story, I didn't notice the time.etc.. I said stop, we talked all week and this is an issue, you had told the me when we got home, we would watch a movie and then you show up two hours later. It is not respectful to my feelings nor leave me with getting kids ready and everything else. Well he states we were talking about doing this and that and I never realized the time but I did state I needed to leave four times. I talked never raising my voice and stated, it is not the fact you wanted to go and talk or went over there. You stated you were going to be a couple of minutes and we would watch a movie together. You had your phone, you could have called and said hey, it is taking a little longer than I thought or , I will be home in a little bit. You did neither. Two hours later, you show up, you did not make me a priority. He stated he understood, but did not see this as big deal. All he needed to do was to communicate!Am I wrong in my thinking, because he was like you knew where I was at....
tamara24, I know you feel tired and beaten. And I know you don't feel you owe your husband anything because of the years he was emotionally absent. The only I keep hoping you would do is say you ever asked him to help with things, but you don't come back to say that. You just keep telling us he didn't. I think you are perfectly willing to blame it all on his condition, so it's hard to accept that you contributed anything. I know you're angry and are ready to walk out the door. But before you do, I'd like you to not only give him a chance, but give yourself and chance also. It may be that you have to direct his every move. Good grief, I know how sickening that can be. But I don't really see where you have all that terrible a guy in your husband. There are LOTS of people on this board complaining about the exact same things and much, much worse from their spouse, who have no behavioral conditions to attribute. So, if it takes always having to direct him on specifics, then it's not all that great a task. And think of the advantage for you. When you want some peace and quiet and everyone out of the house, all you have to do plan a picnic for hubby and the kids. Planning those for the family regularly is a good idea too. But think also of getting some things done around the house. Look at all the help you have now, and all you have to do is ask and be as nice to hubby as you wish him to be to you.
I don't see that you did anything so awful in the doctor's office. You had to answer the doc and tell him how your husband has pretty much checked out of life. I don't have any idea what or how else you could have done that. You need help, and the doctor is the best person to tell and for that matter, he's the best person to complain to, even if it does embarrass hubby. I commend you for staying for so long and perfectly understand how exhausted you are. But I think you have a great advantage now. You have your husband on *willing* mode, and can keep that in your favor.
Ok so we have discussed all week what issues are bothering me and him. He says he understands and the med is slightly kicking in and he feels better than he has in a long time.
Last night we go to dinner as a family and he mentions that when we return he needs to run next door and borrow something from the neighbor. It should take a couple of minutes. I take the kids inside and an hour later, he still is not home. AFter another 30 minutes, I get the kids in bed, take dogs out, and get ready for bed. He shows up two hours after we returned home.
He comes in and starts same old story, I didn't notice the time.etc.. I said stop, we talked all week and this is an issue, you had told the me when we got home, we would watch a movie and then you show up two hours later. It is not respectful to my feelings nor leave me with getting kids ready and everything else. Well he states we were talking about doing this and that and I never realized the time but I did state I needed to leave four times. I talked never raising my voice and stated, it is not the fact you wanted to go and talk or went over there. You stated you were going to be a couple of minutes and we would watch a movie together. You had your phone, you could have called and said hey, it is taking a little longer than I thought or , I will be home in a little bit. You did neither. Two hours later, you show up, you did not make me a priority. He stated he understood, but did not see this as big deal. All he needed to do was to communicate!Am I wrong in my thinking, because he was like you knew where I was at....
But isn't that part of his ADHD condition? Though I didn't say anything before, I have been wondering if you require of him as you would a person w/o ADHD. And that's what I tried to say in my last post - you will have to direct him. What you needed to do was go next door and ask him to come home. You're making me think that either you are expecting too much or you don't know how the condition goes, but I thought you did, especially with two children with the same condition. You simply cannot fault him for this one.
Again, I know you're tired. And again, I know it's pain in the butt to have to lead a grown person by the hand. But in a lot of instances, that is what you have to do. Now, if you leave, I honestly couldn't blame you. However, you have been married to this man for this long. I just don't see the point. And, I don't see you leaving for reasons that are or can be attributed to his condition. You already know about it.
Thank you Susan,
I have asked repeatedly for help. I have come home and sat down and explained what the therapist wanted us to do with the kids.Everything gets followed and then he comes home from work and does the exact oposite. I have had dinner waiting as his time to come home from wrk was predictable, and I find out that he is at the neighbors talking.Dinner is always ready within fifteen minutes of him hitting the door as we keep a tight schedule when the kids are in school.
I have asked and even sent him with his son on events. I volunteered as the lead boy scout leader for two years and then the third year, I asked him to be coleader. I planned the meetings, got all the stuff and then at the meetings, he took all the credit after I directed the entire thing. The relationship between the kids has improved since October because I told him that I would no longer, lie or cover up with his kids, or other family members for his lacking relationship with them.
I have asked if your going to be late, want to go out or whatever, I ask that you call and let me know. His brother just moved in the area and they have got along famously. Sometimes his brother stops by and asks him to go out (not very often) so I ask that if he chooses to go out he give me some notice as it will give me a break fixing a meal as sometimes the kids and I will eat something he dislikes on those nights. He will call me as he is going out the door, and asks permission. This irritates me to no end. I know his brother is standing there so I can't say anything like, did I not ask you to call me ahead of time? Then I am a b---. so I just say go. Keep in mnd I would say go anyway, just give me notice.
Our kids have programs at school, he never can attend, but when he wants to do something, he figures out how to get off work.
He is a very hard worker. I do love him. I am tired of giving him a few months and then things go right back. I don't yell at him in front of friends , or even the kids yet I am sure they feel the tension.
He has not had the kids alone for a day in their entire lives and when he does, I get texts from both kids, he is yelling, or he refuses to listen to them. I had my dream job that I worked a couple of days a week. I asked that if I make dinner prior to leaving that you will clean up. I would make dinner, get whatever I needed out for the kids the next day so I had time to take them to doc appts., do laundry, and house cleaning. I would get texts from him aout the kids were not in bed on time, he is tired of the crap. I would get home to find dishes still on stove, dishwasher full,and God forbid he take the laundry out of the dryer. My daughter has extreme reactions to insect bites to the point that she has an epi pen. I would get texts to please come to her room cause she thought she saw a spider but he won't let her come in our bed or sleep on the couch and she is scared. He says I feed into the drama. But I was the one that dealt with the first allergic reaction when she had to go to the hospital so I know that scared her and she has medical issues too, so what would it hurt to go check her room out, or let her sleep in study in the other bed. I don't believe in causing her to be insecure.
It got to the point that with my disability, I got sick after two months of work so I took a month off. When I returned, I had been back a month running all over and I got pnuemonia that lasted three months. You would think that would open his eyes. I drove myself to all doc appts. still fixed dinner, and at one point, I asked him to go to the grocery store and pick up a ready made chicken as I was not up to cooking and at 7:00, I finally put my shoes on to go myself as the kids were starved and he says where are you going? I said to the store! He says I said I would go, I am tired too, and I have a cold. WHAT???
These things fuel the anger. If love was the only thing involved, this would be a no brainer. But I told him I am tired and burned out. I am mentally gone. I have to leave notes on what I am doing the next day or I forget. I am thinking the ADHD is contagious! For the last week, I have to remind him to take the meds like the kids. He decided not to take the sleeping pill,yet he was told to take it to keep a sleep pattern going.
Thank you for feeling the frustration, no he isn't a BAD guy, but after 17 years, I need a break. If he wasn't so extremely smart and has empathy for everyone else, then maybe I could see it, but I feel like the last thing he considers.
Tamara, I'm a little confused. You say the first 7 years were great but once the children arrived, everything went downhill. Did he suddenly become a different person? Or is it that you became overwhelmed with two kids with various illnesses? This is what I'm thinking: Before kids, you had fewer expectations of him because there was so much less for you to do. You could handle it. Life was relatively simple. Then after the kids, nothing was simple anymore but probably downright chaotic. Not only did you have a lot to deal with physically and mentally, but you began to realize you don't have the emotional support you needed either. So think back before the kids. Did you have, need, or expect help around the house? Did you have pressures in life to lean on him and find him vacant?
I understand the reasons you are here and feeling so frustrated. And like I said, I can understand you feeling you have to leave. All I hope is that you come to the realization that 1) you expect more than he is able to give. For example, you want him to make you a priority. As I alluded to before, I am not familiar with a person with ADHD Syndrome having any priorities. They are simply incapable, especially if the ideas or tasks are not of their own invention. And even then, it is extremely difficult for them to stick to a task or carry an idea through to fruition. They usually have several things going at once, never to actually complete any of them. Your husband changes his mind nearly by the moment. This is the reason they are prescribed Ritalin and other such medication - to help them focus and follow through.
What I noticed with my adult nephew is I cannot give him a task and then a few minutes later say "do such and such also." If it were me, I would finish what I was told to do and then do the other afterward. But with my nephew, I literally have to say "and when you finish that, do such and such." I have to be very specific and still prevent him from dropping the first task unfinished. There are so few occasions I am around him, so I can only imagine what you go through on a daily basis for all these years. Were your husband not attention deficit and hyperactive, I would consider him very thoughtless and inconsiderate. But I know I cannot apply such adjectives in his case. I can only empathize and sympathize with you.
2) You have three people in your life who are eligible for disability benefits. You can receive money from the government for both your children and your husband. Are you doing that? The money can be used as relief to help you out and to get some much-needed rest. As far as I know, it takes quite a while to kick in, probably several months. But then you receive a one-lump-sum retroactive payment from the time of your application, and then the monthly payments begin. The money can help if you decide to leave or stay. If you stay, you can use to make up where your husband is lacking. If you need a babysitter, if you need someone to take the kids to school or pick them up, or whatever. Taxi companies have contracts with the state for this purpose, and the state offers personal bus service. You could use the money to hire someone a few times a week for cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Give yourself a break so you are able to enjoy life a little more and not be so task driven and crisis-oriented. Look at the possibilities of not having to expect so much of your husband when you know he isn't really going to be there for you. You have the same needs as any other woman. Just focus on that, and the two of you will be able to spend more quality time together. His failure to live up to your expectations is destroying you from the inside out. You love him, so make it possible to love him without the causes and criteria that frustrate and anger you.
First, when were first married, he was a wonderful attentive person. I realize as we get older in the marraige some of these things go by the wayside. You are right, we were right out of college, I had three jobs, he had two. When we tried having children, I cut back to the one job(the main job). I am an avid cook so I always loved making meals and such. baking was my hobbby.
When I was pregnant with my son, he was very excited. When my son was born, the doc messed up my spine during spinal tap, I lost spinal fluid and suffered spinal headaches. It took three blood patches to fix it. They dismissed me too soon and sent me home with a newborn and I could barely raise my head. This was the first indication that I was on my own. He would get mad the baby cried and woke him,refused to get up and change the baby or get the bottle warm. Even knowing my condition. I realize that he was freaked by the baby, but where was my spouse that supported me for seven years? When we found out I had gotten pregnant again, I was totally suprised. Yes, I was well overwhelmed with two kids and a husband that slept in while I dealt with a special needs baby and toddler.
Yes, my expectations, did change. I expected him to be a dad. I expected him to help out. He saw me struggling and he just stood there. The thing that got me was that when his family came to visit, he would get down and play with our son,fix a bottle while I made dinner, they thought he was just the perfect dad. Then as soon as they left, he would hand the kids over like he had borrowed them.
We did go to counseling, that was when he was diagnosed ADHD. Then I find out he was diagnosed as a kid. He refused to go back or take meds.
Now he is only trying because I am soo past the breaking point. Yes, I did expect more of him when the needs of the kids got bigger and bigger. I expected him to do it because he was my spouse and saw I was struggling. He would say o.k. then he never followed through with anything. His excuses were he didn't know how to do things, his family never showed love....etc. Ok ,well here I am, showing you love,telling you that I need help and you take a nap.
Yes, the kids are older so it helps they are more self sufficient. But I am sooo tired and burned out. I tried the disability route, I am disabled, but the kids are not considered disabled because the gov. said we made too much money. By the time I buy their meds, The dietary needs and such and copays for doc visits, therapy and such, my check is gone.
I am trying, I just feel exhausted all the time. When I am dealing with a need of one of the kids, I do expect him to help. Even spelling it out. It works for a couple, months or weeks and then it just goes back. I don't like being the bad person all the time either. I was pretty easy going and now I think my funny bone even left me. I am so serious about everything. One of us had to be the adult.
How long are you going to be able to carry on for before you crack, or collapse from the stress – seriously think of separation even if it is on medical grounds. At least then you can only look after the kids and yourself.
I'm not talking about social services or welfare or anything like that. I'm saying SSI (Social Security Insurance) for diseases and disabilities. If you were denied for whatever reason, you were supposed to apply again. People like yourself (it is often people with back injuries) are often denied. They usually end up appealing for years or hiring a lawyer, so I am very surprised if you had no problems. However, a person (especially children) diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, OCD, or any of the physical/mental/behavioral disabilities and diseases (not anything like measles or chicken pox or things like that) are usually approved right away. That includes addictions too, like alcoholism and drug abuse. Just go and apply again. In fact, don't re-apply but make an appeal. I have never heard of any of this having to do with family income. The money is not meant to supplement income. It is meant to take care of the needs required by the disease or disability. From my understanding, you were woefully misinformed. Still, it is their practice to turn people down in a lot of instances, but they know they can't get away with it.
It often takes 4-6 months to begin, but you get the back pay in a lump sum. Depending if the amount is incredible, they issue them in 2-3 divided checks. If it has been years since you first applied, I don't know how they handle that. I don't know if they are going to send you 5, 7, 10 years of back money or not. But please, go and make your appeal. If still the kids are not approved, then go talk to an attorney. There are lawyers who specialize in getting people their disability approved. If any one child receives SSI for ADHD (especially both your children having multiple illnesses), then ALL children w/ ADHD are equally eligible.
Just to be specific to ensure you receive everything the children have coming to them, you don't want to re-apply. I'm sure you need to appeal the original rejection. That way, you get the consideration from the initial application. If you apply a second time, then that might start the process from this second application and not the first one.
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Please rest assured I understand. I was trying to ease your mind a little because I felt you were being blamed needlessly. What Turnera and others were suggesting is accurate but normally applies to ordinary circumstances. I sensed they perhaps didn't realize the distinction of living with a husband w/ ADHD. The more information you offer, the more I am convinced of my original statement, in that he attributes more to his condition as an excuse.
At the moment, I still would like to reiterate what I said before about you having a willing husband and you could use that to your advantage. However, I know you mentioned how it usually only lasts a short while.
But listen, if you are at your rope's end, then please do get yourself away. There is only so much a person can take, and this is not about him needing you for the sake of his condition. This is all about you and what you need. Stress and exhaustion are not jokes and nothing to mess around with. Before you wake up and find yourself in the hospital, do whatever you have to do. I really wish you well, Tamara, and please let us know how SSI works out this second time around, won't you please?
Susan,
Thanks for the info. The children get a check from me because of my disablity. When I applied, they took our income info and said our son does not meet the criteria because of our income.I will check into it more.
Hubby is all over me, dripping sweet. I know he thinks this is what I need, but I want it without demanding it. I need him to be more supportive not clingy.
I can honestly see the some change since he started meds last week and his sleeping has changed since I insisted he take the other med. He went grocery shopping with me on Saturday. I ususally don't shop then but it was a weekend sale andI wanted to stock up on things. He volunteered going with me and then took me for lunch afterward.
I am not talking problems in the marraige with him right now. I am trying to gain some sanity and relax a little bit before I make a huge decision. My gut says go, but I want to be able to make a decision without letting my anger rule the final choice.
I just want to hear if I am totally overreacting or if I have valid issues. I know there are spouses out there that don't do birthdays, anniversaries and such. I know there are spouses that don't get involved with household runnings and such. Am I just asking for something that is unrealistic?
I am not talking problems in the marraige with him right now. I am trying to gain some sanity and relax a little bit before I make a huge decision. My gut says go, but I want to be able to make a decision without letting my anger rule the final choice.
That is very smart.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamara24
I just want to hear if I am totally overreacting or if I have valid issues. I know there are spouses out there that don't do birthdays, anniversaries and such. I know there are spouses that don't get involved with household runnings and such. Am I just asking for something that is unrealistic?
I think your concerns are valid and don't believe you are overreacting. I do want you to be certain your expectations are fair and just. If you expect more than is within his ability, then it isn't fair of you. And the adjustment to that might be a simple matter of telling him what you want for your birthday/anniversary/Christmas/Valentine's Day, etc. Him obliging you helps you to be certain you don't expect too much of his memory and his task-less orientation, while getting what you want in the process. You don't end up disappointed and your feelings hurt that way. I realize this removes the element of surprise and also robs you of the warms feelings you get from having a considerate husband. But, you already know that all not all husbands are considerate in that way; it would be nice if they were. And, it's a workable compromise between what Turnera was saying and what I was saying - that you begin the change with yourself, while still getting what you want but not automatically expecting him.
Another example is when I asserted that you should have gone next door to ask him to come home. Instead of ending up angry that he didn't follow through with his plan and feeling you are not his priority, you would have had your husband home and watching the movie together. Again, it would have been nice had he done what he said he was going to do. But knowing your ADHD husband, the plan changed. It didn't change because he does not care and not because you are not important to him, but because that is the way his mind works in being unable to prioritize. The first task was going to be watching the movie together, but that gave way to the second task. The second task was going next door for a few minutes, but that plan gave way to the third task. The third was him getting caught up in whatever was going on while he was there. Had you knocked on the neighbor's door, that third task would have fallen away for the sake of this fourth one, which is coming home for the movie as you are requesting.
See where I'm going? In both these two examples, you change yourself to accept you have to specifically direct your ADHD husband and get everything you want in the process.
Now here's the REALLY hard part. Very simply, this is not how women are wired. Having to ask for every bit of consideration; having to direct the show at all times; not being able to lean on and depend on hubby for support - these are the types of things that kill our sex drive, disappoint us, and we end up feeling "I can be lonely all by myself." Just like you feel you can do this alone because you have BEEN doing it alone. But, don't close the door to your own conciliation by shutting him down. Now that he's being "dripping sweet" and willing to please, don't close your heart because it isn't exactly what you need at the time. Remember, he has to get what he needs too, and it is fortifying to know you have a loving and attentive husband who desires you sexually and wants to be affectionate aside from sex. Give him what he wants, and you keep his cooperation and get what you want and the help you need more often.
If that balance is acceptable to you, then just ride this wave to see where it goes and see how you feel later. You will likely have to bring him back in line from time to time, and don't let him get away with making excuses, but look at how much stress and pressure are relieved from doing everything all by yourself. And, you aren't disappointed so often either.
I neglected in past responses to commend you for being such a strong woman. I get a lump in my throat just knowing how well you bore your burdens and came to this point exhausted but determined. Bravo to you, my lady.
Thank you,Susan,
I am afraid you have me feeling like a myrtar. I am nothing like that. I am frayed all the way around.
The reason for not going next door is partially my doing. hubby and his brother have issues with woman andreally no respect for their mother. Although I know why,it seems to me that going over there when he is visiting his buddy would make me the *****. Mind you, the hubby knows better to even call me names, any aggressiveness can be related back to his mother. I do not want him to even put me in the same catagory as that woman. Mind you, I am not. A doormat, but I try to address issues at home because his mom would publicly embarrass his dad and the entire family to make herself feel good.
I try to handle things so he does not feel bad in front of people. Plus we are at that stage where I can throw the look and he knows that I am not happy with whatever occured.
I do appreciate the advice as I do want to stay on track and be able to make a decision that will right for all of us. Right now, I am too fried to think carefully and know what I am willing too accept anymore as far as his behavior. Goes. I am glad that his relationship with the kids have gotten somewhat better. I just wish they could have seen him through my eyes before all of this. I know I can't tolerate the miscommunications, the affairs and not being a partner(even if we have to make concessions with the ADHD) Posted via Mobile Device
O.K., we are three weeks into him starting the meds and talking about things that need to change. I stated everything without being rude or angry. I explained how he made me feel and why I feel seperating is the best thing for the family.
Hubby has now decided that he is going into depression for not being there over the last twelve years. I need to give him time to deal with his emotions as he figures out how to deal with his guilt.WHATTTTT??????
I feel that I have given him twelve years to figure it out.He has started taking me for dinner and today I got flowers. But I also confront him that I want to know what he did with these other women since he never remembers anything. I found out that I knew a mutual friend of the woman he had an emotional affair with before we moved. I asked her if she knew wether they had slept together and she said no, but she was not aware he was married right away and that they had met after I made him end any conversations with her and they had shared a good bye kiss. I tell hubby of what I know and he insists they never kissed or met afterward. Well, which is it, you don't remember or you didn't do it?
I just think he has to be totally honest and own up to his wrong doings before I can go any further. The meds are kicking in but yet now I have to remind the third child to take it. I do not want to be his mom.
I guess I feel like for once, it is about me. How I am feeling and what I want to do and he is turning this into all about him. His doctor ordered blood work three weeks ago and he still has not done anything and he goes back next week. I am NOT going with him this time to be yelled at. Am I being unreasonable?
Re: Should I stay or go? 
