I was nice about it, I asked nicely. But what do I say when he sees me running around like a chicken with it's head cut off and he is lying in bed.he literaly gets up poops shaves and showers. It is all about him. Then he says I guess I have to take out the garbage. I already took everything out and all he had to dl was take it from the garage to the curb. So I ended up taking that out. Why is it that I am not communicating well?I feel like it gets dumped on me all the time. Posted via Mobile Device
You said: I am like, first,you are in my way. Second, could you help out by getting the laundry out? He replies, I gotta do this or I will forget. WHAT???
I do get how frustrated you are. I am too. But you are frustrated because YOU take on the world, and wait for him to come rescue you. Men aren't wired that way. They need specific direction on what you expect in a relationship.
Saying "You are in my way" - really? Here he is fixing something for the house, and you criticize him? And not only that, you say what he's doing is less important than what YOU want? How would you feel if he did that?
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But what do I say when he sees me running around like a chicken with it's head cut off and he is lying in bed.he literaly gets up poops shaves and showers. It is all about him. Then he says I guess I have to take out the garbage. I already took everything out and all he had to dl was take it from the garage to the curb. So I ended up taking that out. Why is it that I am not communicating well?I feel like it gets dumped on me all the time. Posted via Mobile Device
Again, this is YOU deciding what you will do and then blaming HIM for it. If you are overwhelmed, say so. Sit down with a chart and AGREE on who does what. But don't take on the world and then treat him poorly because he doesn't 'see' the sacrifices you're making and rescue you.
Ok Turnera, I understand part of what you are saying. Confused about the other. First, I didn't say literally you are in my way, I was making red velvet cake and the dye was everywhere,I was trying to get to the sink and here he was and he just sat there washing this cover while I am dripping dye everywhere. I told him the night before what had to be accomplished. I told him what needed to be done and. The outlet he suddenly had decided to fix has been bare for at least four months. I guess I look at this like there are priorities and getting the birthday stuff done was top of the list. This is something that happens all the time.
After we returned from dinner, he waited until I got home(we had seperate cars)and tells me he is headed over to the neighbor's house. So I have to unload the presents by myself as the kids needed to get baths for school the next day. I know you are going to say I choose to do that.if I didn't it would not get done. The same thing applies to the garbage. He runs late almost everytime and doesn't get that it is not taking it down, but I have gotten everything out for garbage day and he doesn't like to pull the car down and get the trash down. Instead I can just do it . I feel he doesn't help with any household stuff and asking doesn't get it done.
So how do I choose what I am doing, and what I ask him to do and then just l,eave it? Posted via Mobile Device
The outlet he suddenly had decided to fix has been bare for at least four months. I guess I look at this like there are priorities and getting the birthday stuff done was top of the list. This is something that happens all the time.
Understood, but he has a mind, too. He has the right to decide what he wants to do. fwiw, my H does the exact same thing: I ask him to do something and he disappears; next thing I know, he's doing something else - just so he doesn't have to do what I 'nag' him about. I've often thought I should just ask him to do something I don't want, and maybe he'll end up doing what I DO want, though it's a crap shoot what he'll choose to do. Actually tried that once, and I got lucky.
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After we returned from dinner, he waited until I got home(we had seperate cars)and tells me he is headed over to the neighbor's house. So I have to unload the presents by myself as the kids needed to get baths for school the next day. I know you are going to say I choose to do that.if I didn't it would not get done. The same thing applies to the garbage. He runs late almost everytime and doesn't get that it is not taking it down, but I have gotten everything out for garbage day and he doesn't like to pull the car down and get the trash down. Instead I can just do it . I feel he doesn't help with any household stuff and asking doesn't get it done.
So how do I choose what I am doing, and what I ask him to do and then just l,eave it? Posted via Mobile Device
Actually, the presents didn't HAVE to get taken out of the car right then and there. Unless they were frozen or perishable food. He COULD have helped you get them out later. Or, here's a novel thought: the kids could have helped you. If they're old enough to walk, they're old enough to help. But you decided they had to be out right then and there; therefore, you created your own problem. And resented him for it. I will posit that, at this point (and remember, I was where you are now), you do these things just SO you have one more thing to resent him for, subconsciously. That helps you remain the victim and him the bad guy. I know; I played that game for a good ten years, and all it got me was falling out of love with my husband, when I could have made different decisions, and saved it.
What do you do? You find things that matter less to you than others. You sit him down and say you can't keep doing everything yourself. You have to have help. "Here's a list of things you could take on that would help me; please take two items on this list to be responsible for."
And then sit back and LET him be responsible for. It's going to be hard for you to let go. Trust me, BTDT. If he takes dishes, you have to stop the urge to either come up behind him and 'redo' them as you would like them done, or to come in and do them when you think he doesn't do them quickly enough.
Most men give up on house things because the woman holds some sort of superknowledge and they feel inferior or figure they'll get chewed out, so they slowly make themselves unavailable however they can.
This DOES work. If you're ready and willing to change the dynamics in your household.
I am sooo ready to change it. I guess I do not know how to change it. I do resent him. I resent his way of just getting up in the a.m. and doing his thing and out he goes, I resent that he can just walk over to the neighbors and when I go somewhere I have to figure out what to do with the kids and everything else. I resent that he has cheated on the very first day I left him with our kids for the first time(mind you they were 6 and 5). He talked on the phone with his EA for 6.5 hours out of the 8 I was gone when he was supposed to be doing stuff with his kids.
Now I am told I have to change. I get that, but it really ticks me off at the same time.I feel like I am the one who is always doing and he just gets away with following along.
I guess I am having a bad day with this because I feel bad about being so negative, but I don't know how to change it. I am reading the books, I get it in my head, but my thoughts are saying here you go, again, having to think about his feelings again and how he feels and how I hurt him. While I was busy taking care of two special needs kids and to the point I am emotionally gone, he gets yet another free pass.
I say this to you because you say I am mirroring you, how do I stop it, how do I just get to that point where I am willing to work on it seriously and can put those thoughts in place. I do want to work seriously on it and to be happy.
Something I have not said as part of this equation. My parents were married early. My mom was two weeks shy of 16 when she had me. All my life she has resented me. My guess is because she missed out. Both parents are not big believers in college and did not support my decision to go. Everytime they fought, he would get in her face and scream and she would just cry. As they got older, she started yelling back. Mostly blaming me. Mind you I did the dishes while they watched t.v. with my brother, fed the outside dogs, made their beds, started dinner and pretty much finished it and she would waltz in just as it was finished to act like she slaved over it. When I started high school, we ended up moving to a sharecroppers shack(seriously) from land owned by my great great grandfather.(money problems). It had one bedroom and then you crossed into the open air hallway into the main living area of a living room and kitchen. It later had been modernized with a toilet but the only heat was from gas radiators that you turned on manually as you went to each room. I was woken up each morning and had to get dressed, cross into the living area and heat the living area up, make their lunches,coffee and hot chocolate for my brother, and then once that was done, they would come in and eat. The fights my parents had there were memerable as I was ALWAYS brought into them and accused of being lazy and ungrateful. When I think back to their actual marraige, I see how my mom dramatized everything. How I was her escape goat since she could not stand up to dad. She twisted things to her satisfaction and was never happy.
I bring this up because I see how I am slowly becoming this way. I vowed never to be like that and at first I was not. But as the kids have had special needs and the hubby checked out, I am slowly feeling all the negativity and he is my scape goat. Yes, he does all kinds of crap that send me into oblivion, but it worries me that I am becoming my mom. I am overweight, scared to do anything about it because I have so many meds already and my legs are an issue, I am negative that things can change, I have literally started my own hate campaign with my sister in law(she really started it) but I can't let go of it, the kids are getting on my last nerve with the medical issues and I never get a break from it. I resent the hubby because he doesn't want to be in the hole with me, he wants to live in his own little world.I feel he should have suffered with me. Does that make sense?
I have been talking to the hubby about my feelings, he says he can see why that upset me, then he does something stupid yet again. I think did we just not talk about that???? I feel like I am falling apart.
I so get it. Believe me. I've tried to kill myself more than once, just to get out of it. I thought it was hopeless, until someone sent me to marriagebuilders.com (they were tired of listening to me gripe about my husband). It literally took me at least a year of posting there, arguing with the people who told me exactly what I'm telling you, before I said 'Fine! I'll try it! But HE is STILL the problem! I HATE having to be nice to him but if you say I have to, I have to! But it won't work!'
Plan A. Love Busters. Emotional Needs. Fifteen hours a week together away from kids. Telling him the truth when I am unhappy. The whole ball of wax. I stopped LBing him. I started paying attention to his ENs and meeting them. I said no when I wanted to say no (a little bit; I'm still bad about that) to stop the resentment. And I tried to do things that he wanted to do.
Little by little two things happened. He started warming up to me and not being such an ass. And I started seeing the 'real' husband, the real man, instead of the vilified man I had created in my head. I started to realize that he had feelings, too, and he was just as miserable as me. Because over all the years, I had started treating HIM bad because I was resenting all the stuff he wasn't doing; and the more I resented him and treated him bad, the worse he treated me - a vicious cycle.
It does work. And it does require you putting your own needs aside for a bit; consider it an experiment. Try it for a month, and if you see no changes, come back and we'll reassess. But I think you will.
And in the meantime, read these two books, which will teach you to STOP being Supermom and stop the resentment: The Dance of Anger, and Boundaries in Marriage.
Ok, having a tough weekend, Friday hubby and I agree to meet for lunch(my idea). He onlyhas an hour so we agree to meet at local resturant. The meeting went terrible,the service was terrible,food took forever, then it was burned. So hubby leaves after complaining to manager and calls me on his way home. So what are the plans for this evening? Nothing I say, just making dinner. Thinking he was going to say let's go out, no he just wants to know cause he can watch a movie he wants to see. Frustrated because I am at home all day and he is tired and wants to come home and veg on the couch. As soon as he hits the door(cell phone in one hand) he is ready to eat and watch t.v. then he says what's the plan for next day, nothing,other than boy scout project with son. Why do you seem so agitated? Well I say, I thought maybe you were going to take me out but you are just concerned about you. No, he says, I thought we were low on money so I thought we would go out Saturday. Ok, that made NO sense were we hitting the lottery Friday night? Then today he goes around, and I am trying to read and not feeling the greatest, he wants to pester me about jobs I asked him to do six months ago.trying to hold my tongue,be nice, but seriously think I am going to lose it. Again, we spent entire weekend in front of t.v. and he is happy about it. Way to put your side to work on the marraige....ugh! Posted via Mobile Device
Ok, having a tough weekend, Friday hubby and I agree to meet for lunch(my idea). He onlyhas an hour so we agree to meet at local resturant. The meeting went terrible,the service was terrible,food took forever, then it was burned. So hubby leaves after complaining to manager and calls me on his way home. So what are the plans for this evening? Nothing I say, just making dinner. Thinking he was going to say let's go out, no he just wants to know cause he can watch a movie he wants to see. Frustrated because I am at home all day and he is tired and wants to come home and veg on the couch. As soon as he hits the door(cell phone in one hand) he is ready to eat and watch t.v. then he says what's the plan for next day, nothing,other than boy scout project with son. Why do you seem so agitated? Well I say, I thought maybe you were going to take me out but you are just concerned about you. No, he says, I thought we were low on money so I thought we would go out Saturday. Ok, that made NO sense were we hitting the lottery Friday night? Then today he goes around, and I am trying to read and not feeling the greatest, he wants to pester me about jobs I asked him to do six months ago.trying to hold my tongue,be nice, but seriously think I am going to lose it. Again, we spent entire weekend in front of t.v. and he is happy about it. Way to put your side to work on the marraige....ugh! Posted via Mobile Device
Sounds like a lot of negativity on your part. You went out to lunch, yeah it was crap, but he didn't make it crap. Why would you expect him to read your mind and take you out to dinner the same day?
Instead of complaining about not getting out of the house all weekend, why not just get out of the house? If you want a special night every week, tell him. SAY 'babe, let's make Saturday nights OUR night, to go out somewhere for dinner or whatever.'
You don't want to be bothered by hearing about jobs you asked him to do because you were reading. That's just confusing. Straight out, answer his questions, and then say, 'I'm just going to spend the next hour reading, would you mind if I talked to you more about stuff later?'
I understand you feel frustrated and feel like everything is very one sided, but you have to stop assuming that he has a direct line into what you are thinking.
I agree with everything breeze said. Everything you described is you setting up a minefield for him - he KNOWS he won't be making you happy, but he has no idea what to do to fix it. He tries to do your honey-do list, but you're having none of it...cos you're reading. He takes you out to lunch, but you make him feel bad for not taking you out to dinner. Then, when he doesn't do the honey-do list because you won't talk to him about it, you complain that you spent the weekend in front of the tv.
I'm not saying he's a saint. I'm saying you are letting your own resentment fuel your actions, and since he can't read your mind, he's got little chance of making you happy.
You are right. Everything just seems strange at the moment. I feel totally disconnected from him. Just looking at him makes me mad.
I was upset about going out to dinner that very night but the manaager comped our meals because he saw how bad they were and the last thing hubby said before leaving was we need to redo that one. It is like he leads me up to thinking he is going to ask then totally flubs it.
I am frustrated because I feel like I did all my kindlers according to his need her needs. And I am waiting on an reaction that never happens. His explanation made no sense, and I feel like he threw that in there to keep from getting in trouble.
I finished his needs her needs last night. Felt it helped me to understand things but most of the examples had people that did have some connection on what they should be doing. He does nothing in or outside the house, just started being with the kids, and he makes no decisions concerning the house or the family. I have to decide because he is ALWAYS on the fence. If I decide something and it doesn't work than I am to blame. I know it sound like I am the dictator as the book describes but he refuses to communicate and give me opinions. So unless I spell everything out, he could care less.
The book really hit home with the discussion of coparenting too. Last year, after months of struggles with school administration for the kids, it all came to a head and I had to decide whether to pull my kids or take their crap. Hubby refused to go to meeting with me and I felt all alone. It was my decision to pull the kids and he had nothing to say.
I FEEL ALL ALONE Posted via Mobile Device
Indecision is usually (from what I've read) either a result of depression or insecurity.
I don't think he purposely led you up to thinking he was going to ask about dinner. I think he really meant, we'll have to redo that. But that is ALL he thought. None of us thinks exactly the same. You may be the kind of person who doesn't stop a subject until you have weighed all angles, devised solutions, and resolved your issue; he may simply be one who says 'yeah, we should do it' and then never thinks about it again; or he waits for you to TELL him when 'it's time.' If you're always making decisions, why should he change the dynamics now?
He started reading love busters on Sunday and commented to me that he could see things that he has done that he thought he had asked but it was more of a demand. He also figured out that I am between the conflicting stage and the withdrawn stage. He is like whoa! I know why you are there.
What I find really interesting is that he is mad if I am in the withdrawl stage because that means I am done working on the marraige. He wants to argue that I have to stay in the conflicting section. I replied, I know I have signs of the withdrawl stage but I feel that if you see the love busers that have occured, and you change this behavior then I can willingly go to another place when I see we are at a place when we can both work on it and it not be one sided. He got mad??? Posted via Mobile Device
I thinks he knows that I am not going to take the bologna anymore. I know it takes to and I have been the giver for a long time and now the taker is in the house
I know that it is not right but I feel I am in survivor mode not only for me but the kids too. If he wants to think only of himself, I can no longer lie to the kids why dad didn't come to things or put on that happy smile to make everything seem o.k. I have just feel like I have hit rock bottom and knowing that I have to change too. But part of my changing is not allowing him to dump things on me or do everything because he refuses to help. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Should I stay or go? 
