Hello, This is my first time asking a question on this site. I have been married 17 years to my hubby and we have two kids.Both have had medical issues for last four years nonstop. I am disabled and I stay at home. During our marraige, my hubby has had issues with flirtation going to far and causing issues in our marraige. It did not help a month after we were married that I found out he had slept with a girl prior to our marraige and when I had asked him about it, he lied. He decided to come clean after we were married because he knew I would call off the wedding. My family life stunk in general and I wanted a stable relationship. We found out when I was expecting our first child that he had ADHD. He refused to do anything about it. After our son was born, he refused to help with anything. He couldn't stand to hear the baby crying,he would say he would watch him so I could get groceries and then he would find an excuse to not watch him. Our second child was a surprise as I wasn't supposed to be able to have any more kids. The issues with him not heping just got bigger and I jus got burned out. We moved out of state when he got a job offer thinking this would be a fresh start. The kids are 12 and 11 and he does not have any real connection with them. This bothers me as well as the fact that every birthday, anniversary,holiday, he started buying me gifts like a mop, a toilet seat, mr.clean,and thinking it was funny. I think it is totally disrespectful. We have a rough four years with the kids medical issues and I am totaly wiped dealing with all of it on my own. I know he works full time and can't make appts. but he has no active role dealing with it all. I am in charge of bills,the house, cleaning,washing clothes, the yard, and groceries and dealing with both kids issues. I can't get everything done and I am exhausted mentally and phisically. On our anniversary six months ago, I booked a three day stay at a resort and even though we had the kids we would have a great weekend together. On the anniversary, he raises up and said what did you get me? I ran to the closet and pulled out a present that I knew he had wanted but the mounting medical bills had not allowed for such luxuries. I had used money I saved from a temp job to pay for it. I was tickled to do it as we had not done anything like that for each other in forever. He was surprised! Then I asked where is my present? He starts stumbling and says I thought you could get a massage since you get a discount there...Needless to say, I was not happy. We spent the day with the kids and I don't know how to explain it but I just burst. All these years of crap and he walked around all day without a single look of regret for what he had done. When we got to the hotel I exploded and told him that I was leaving. I have gained weight and lost confidence in myself overthe years because of this disregard for my feelings and frankly,I thought the kids would be just as good without him. He convinced me to stay. Mother's Day rolls around and again, I get a card and an excuse he just couldn't get the right gift so he got nothing. I flipped, I am tired of feeling like I am nothing. So the next day, I told him, I wanted a divorce. He tells me that he wants to work at it and he realizes how much his ADHD has played a part in all this.He wants me to wait until he talksto someone. He started doing things with our son and wants me to pat him on the back for taking the garbage down to the curb. I feel overloaded and my needs have not been met in years. We don't have many friends because he blurts stuff out and my friends never want to do couple stuff with him. We get along but I don't like him anymore. I love him because he is the father of my kids.He took me on a date three weeks ago to dinner and a movie,and I just feel so angry at him that we have nothing to say. He is also doing things I asked him to do for months but I just don't care now. If he could do it now, why couldn't he do it when I asked him? Is my anger leading me to the divorce or my inability to forgive.I feel like I gave and he did not.Now he wants to do anything and I feel like letting him do it all and let him work at it but I know it takes two to work on things. Do I stick it out until he gets treatment for his ADHD and see if it progresses there or should I just go before I really start to hate him?
I don't know why you stayed for 17 years. That tells me you don't want to go. You ask on an internet forum. That also tell me you don't want to go. Not that there is anything wrong with talking on a forum. Maybe you just need support and someone to listen.
At any rate, I think you should read up on ADHD to compare the symptoms and typical behaviors with your husband's behaviors. And also talk with a doctor. It sounds to me like he gives a lot of excuses and attributes them all to his condition. So you need to find out if nothing more can be expected of him. I don't know if this is typical or not, but your doctor and research can tell you. I can vouch for his joking behavior. I have an adult nephew w/ ADHD who does the same at inopportune moments although I know he can tell the difference between joking and special occasions. For that matter, so does your husband, as he gave you a card after you complained, so clearly he knows the difference. But I don't know if his thoughtlessness is result of the disease or not. That he absolutely refuses to help out in any way does not at all sound like something to be attributed to the disease. But I could be wrong. My nephew is my only example and reference. He is always doing what he's asked to do, and sometimes he volunteers to help. It's just hard to keep him focused sometimes.
Thanks Susan, I have stayed seventeen years because the first seven years were really good. When we had kids it seemed like everything started going nuts. At that point in my life I did not have the self esteem to walk out and handle two kids on my own. I thought the move would change a alot of things and it did at first. The kids are getting older now and I feel I have given him a chance to be close to his kids. Medical problems have also been a huge issue. Our son has Juvenille rhuematoid arthritis,autism,adhd and asthma.Daughter has adhd and a stomach issue that has caused eating disorder issues. I know his father was not a thoughtful person, and never bought or did anything special for his wife. But my husband used to do it so I know he can. It was not as if we had a terrible life, he just has no connection with the kids at all. They come to me for everything. After the last four years,I now know that I am a strong enough person to handle things, I have already done it alone.Now that he knows I am serious of walking out the door he starts doing things with our son and my son is responding to him. My daughter is even coming around. He says he realized how wrong he was but doesn't understand why I want to leave when he is making an effort and that I am only hurting the kids. I ahve come to realize that I have put my hubby and my kids before any of my needs and now I need some things. Everytime I have really wanted something, I talked myself out of it, the kids needed something, hubby needed something for his job. Now I feel like I need to come first for awhile, my kids are in a stable place as much as they can be and I am exhausted. I realize I stay home so I should do the housework and such but I don't think asking him to start dinner,or a load of laundry is out of the question. I have to tell him what to do with his kids. I tell him to take son on a father/son day and I have to tell him what to do. I know his family life sucked, but so did mine and yet I make the kids the priority and go out of my way to make sure I don't repeat the mistakes my parents made. Now he is trying but I don't have any feelings about it,I've gone numb. I am also tired. I went on the forum because I don't talk about personal problems with my friends. They all have really good marraiges and their biggest problems are who is picking their kids up in the afternoons and what they are doing that weekend as a family.I think I would blow them out of the water. A couple have guessed but I have never confirmed by saying anything. I just want to know if anybody else is dealing with a partner with ADHD and how they are handling it.
What you describe is very common. But it is not unfixable. You have fallen out of love with him because of typical male neglect (of the sort that says everything is fine). But that doesn't make him a bad person - just one uneducated on what a woman needs.
So educate him. If you take steps to change things, you can once again learn to like and love him. Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Busters questionnaire, and fill it out and give it to him. Tell him that, to stay married, you need him to read it and make appropriate changes. Tell him that in a month or two - AFTER he has made those changes, you're going to fill out their Emotional Needs questionnaire and give it to him, so he will understand what your needs are and how he can meet them. You have to do the LB one first; trust me.
If you want, you can have him fill them out, too. Once you start focusing on what you CAN get out of your marriage, instead of what you're NOT getting, you will see a huge difference. It worked on me, and I'd been married 25 years before I did it. I went from hating him to seeing him as the guy I met 30 years earlier. Just from using the questionnaires.
btw, please break your posts into paragraphs. A lot of people won't read it when it's all one block like that.
I also want to add that a LOT of your issues are self-imposed. YOU made choices to do for everyone else, to sacrifice, to not say anything. He is not a mind reader. If you want something, say so. If you don't like something, say so. You have to teach men what you want. And you have to stop being a Giver 24/7 - it's not his fault you chose to be that way.
I am so sorry that you are in a tough spot. Things certainly haven't been easy for you.
You need to take care of yourself. I know, easier said than done. But you can't be happy in your marriage if you're not happy with yourself. With two kids with special needs and a husband denying his own issue, you've taken their issues and made them you're problem. You need to realize your kids are going to have to be responsible for their own actions. Your husband as well. You can't control their choices. You can only be there for them when they fall.
You should see someone for yourself. Get some therapy. I am not saying you're crazy or have mental issues, but you need a unbiased person to listen to you. Try marriage counseling.
If he refuses to get help for himself or go to counseling, you need to seriously think about leaving him. At least separate. Because clearly you're not happy. Stop holding on to what was. Focus on youre relationship NOW.
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Good luck.
Thanks for the advice, I will look at the info. I know I chose to do these things, I didn't realize how much I gave up until recently after some deep reflection. I didn't think I was unhappy until I just snapped and woke up one day and thought is this it?
I purchased Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs last night and did the questionaire form. I gave it to him last night. He was too focused on the computer and adding programs to it to give it much attention. I fell asleep waiting for him. So then he wakes me up and says, it is too late to discuss this now so we will discus it when I get home Saturday. His inability to focus and prioritize is part of the issues.Oh well I shall see tonight. Again the kids and I are on our own.
So I took hubby to doc today to discuss ADHD issues. The doc brings up depression and starts asking me questions. When I answered that he refuses to participate in one of the organizations that he joined three years ago and that he makes up an excuse every time there is a meeting, hubby starts to contradict me and says it is because he is too tired to go. For three years? I said no, it shows a pattern of not participating. He yells at me in front of doc, you don't know what I am thinking! Then he gets mad because I refuse to lead the conversation with the doc the rest of the meeting! We had lunch yesterday and discussed the questionaire from marraige builders and I talked about being disrespectful and inappropriate. I found him to be that way today. He told me that I hold on to things too long, I should forget the past. I don't think so, he still repeats it. He says he gets what he missed out on before and that I have to give him time and since the doc gave him meds for ADHD and for sleeping, I owe it to our family to stick through it and let the meds kick in.
I already have two kids on the same meds and they are not miracle workers and I still hold my kids responsible for their bad behavior and not using good judgements. He is an adult, shouldn't he be held at the same standard?
He should, but everything you have described - the way you two interact - makes me wonder WHY he should care?
You are talking about the questionnaires as though you think you can make him change with them. They are for YOU, too. YOU need to know how YOU Love Bust HIM. YOU need to know what HIS Emotional Needs are so that you can meet those needs. Once you do that, he will WANT to reciprocate. But right now, you gripe, you embarrass him in front of the doctor, you stonewall him, you criticize him and call him disrespectful.
So, why should he care about changing? You are giving him no reason to.
I had him do the questionaires as well and all that he gave me was my reactions to his behavior. I have encouraged him to go get this done for years. I am angry all the time. I am angry that he dumps everything on me. He can't deal with crisis situations so in the past two years I have had to deal hospitalizing our daughter and taking care of our son who is autistic and has rhuematois arthritis. At the time he was havng an attack so I was up all night with him, leaving in the am to take care of our daughter, home befor eson makes it home, premaking dinners for them so I can go back to the hospital.
During all that time, he never once helped with laundry,dishes,or anything! I was not always like this, but I feel our kids should come first. Especially when they are having medical issues.
I went to all therapy appts. and came home and reported what we were to do. He would come home and freak because shoes were in his way, and it would set the whole evening!
After blowing up in October about his inability to help out with these issues, tantrums, yelling have decreased and he started having a relationship with his kids after 12 years. They now think he walks on water. He wasted so much time!
I know I need to change, but the anger from his neglect just boils my emotions. I was not yelling when the doc asked me if he doesn't participate in things. I was telling the truth. Not to embarrass him, but to get him help. He has no male friends except for MY friends husbands and he moved here 8 months prior to me getting here!
Do you think I am disrespectful and that I look for ways to embarrass him because I am so angry?
And that's not a criticism of you. I lived it, too. Everything was my DH's fault. Why couldn't everyone see that? Everyone kept urging me to stick to Plan A (from marriagebuilders), and fix how I deal with HIM, not how HE deals with ME. I can't change him, after all. All I can do is be a more welcoming wife and ALSO speak my mind about what I need. If I am giving him what he needs and not Love Busting him, if he loves me, he should respond and he should listen to my unhappiness, and start doing for ME like I'm doing for HIM.
And, in the process, as I did that (grudgingly), it was like a veil lifted off my face. Instead of seeing the jerk I'd been so mad at the last few years, I started seeing the 'old' DH I had married 25 years ago. He was in there all along, just as unhappy as I was, not knowing what to do to get a wife who treated him decently. Once I took charge and fixed my side, he responded. And I started seeing that he wasn't such a bad guy.
That can happen for you, too, but nothing will change until you stop being the person he cringes to come home to. It has to start with one of you, and you are here learning. Best be you.
I had him do the questionaires as well and all that he gave me was my reactions to his behavior.
Valuable information. You make him unhappy with how you treat him.
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I have encouraged him to go get this done for years.
What done?
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I am angry all the time. I am angry that he dumps everything on me. He can't deal with crisis situations so in the past two years I have had to deal hospitalizing our daughter and taking care of our son who is autistic and has rhuematois arthritis.
Why can't he deal with crisis? Did you stop to wonder what it feels like for him to KNOW he's disappointing and not supporting his family in crisis and to know that you have to do what he should be doing? Whatever it was that causes him to back away, it must be powerfully frightening to him.
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During all that time, he never once helped with laundry,dishes,or anything!
Did you specifically ask him to? Give him specific tasks to take care of?
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I was not always like this, but I feel our kids should come first. Especially when they are having medical issues.
During a medical emergency, yes. Outside of an emergency, NO. It's like an airplane. You have to put on the adult masks first, or there will be no one to put on the kids' masks. You have to preserve and protect your marriage, your UNION to this man, in order to protect your kids. Because you invested so much into the kids, you took that from what you would have given to your husband. And I promise you he noticed. You could have sat down with him and worked out a plan that took care of the emergencies, the kids, the work, and the marriage, and he may have been more enthusiastic.
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He would come home and freak because shoes were in his way, and it would set the whole evening!
Because he was now an outsider to the life you were living with your kids.
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I know I need to change, but the anger from his neglect just boils my emotions. I was not yelling when the doc asked me if he doesn't participate in things. I was telling the truth. Not to embarrass him, but to get him help. He has no male friends except for MY friends husbands and he moved here 8 months prior to me getting here!
Everything you describe is what YOU don't like. What about what he likes? My DH would be happy never having a single friend except me and our daughter. I understand that. I wish he would go out and make friends, but I am not him. Just because I want it doesn't make it the only right way. You are telling him that he has to become like you and want what you want, for you to be happy. How is that fair? What if he told you he thought you having friends was wrong, that you should be just like him and NOT want friends, and so therefore you need to stop?
What I'm describing as a possible solution is empathy into what he is feeling and communication so you both know how the other feels, so you can decide if you want to stop LBing the other and meeting ENs. You've started down that path, keep going. Both of you do the questionnaires, and sit down and discuss it! Find solutions you can both live with, ok?
I also want to add that a LOT of your issues are self-imposed. YOU made choices to do for everyone else, to sacrifice, to not say anything. He is not a mind reader. If you want something, say so. If you don't like something, say so. You have to teach men what you want. And you have to stop being a Giver 24/7 - it's not his fault you chose to be that way.
Dang turnera, I know weve had some slight difference of opinion from time to time, but you really have some spot on advice.
OP people with ADHD are absolutley terrible with picking up hints, a lot of men r terrible picking up hints, communication is very important in any relationship.
I actually think if possible your relationship should be worked on. Have you put any thought in what life will be like trying to raise 2 ADHD children as a single mom. Divorce will cause the children stress, it will cause both you and your spouse financial difficulty so while im not saying dont do it, think about it a lot, and only do it if there is no other way.
Should I stay or go? 
