I am just so frustrated and don't know what to do.

ellaf · 07-16-2010, 09:23 AM

Hello everyone. This is my very first post, though I have been reading your posts for a couple of weeks now. I am very happy to have found you all. You are an answer to a prayer. I have been unhappy for so long, I am not even sure where to begin.

I guess I'll start with the present and fill in backstory if necessary. I have been married nearly nine years, and got married at the age of (almost) 22. I have two small children. I am currently a SAHM, though during the year I am a full-time student. My husband works full time 45-55 hours per week.

I feel very isolated. I received little to no affection from my husband. I feel like all he does is complain. About me, what I've cooked for dinner, any money that I spent... about my kids. They are too loud, crabby... Basically he just wants to be left alone with his TV, and be worshipped from afar. All hail he who has a job.

He doesn't handle being the breadwinner well at all. To his credit he truly is constanstly stressed about the bills. When we first married I was working full time, earning more than him, while going to school. I had big dreams and he was along for the ride. Then I was told that if I wanted to get pregnant, I had to try soon, because I have PCOS and severe endometriosis. So, we tried. I was miserable leaving my baby, so long story short: I quit my job.

He makes snide comments about me "spending his money". I (sort-of) jokingly said that if it was "his money", then he could pay me the going rate for childcare. His friends have even attacked me about it, stating it's a two-income world and that I was delusional to think I could stay home.

This may apply to many people, but my husband drives a truck. While it's considered local, we really never know when he'll get home from work. It could be 3pm or 8pm, or he could end up staying somewhere overnight. There are many times he's thought he'd be home by 4pm, then blown a tire and been home at 7 or 8.

Now all of this has SOME merit. We were one of the idiot couples who took an ARM 5.5 years ago. We are losing our home. We made a joint decision that I would continue in school anyway and let it go. It's better in the long run for our future. We attempted a loan modification, but even if I worked part time, it would be a stretch to make the mortgage. We can rent a nicer place for substantially less than our mortgage. With the added fees for the loan mod., we're about $45,000 upside down, also with the market plummeting.

Part of the reason I don't work is everything is my responibility. When I worked, I got my daughter up and ready, made her lunch for daycare, dropped her off, went to work, left regardless of my workload, picked her up, went home, made dinner, did dishes, did laundry, etc, etc. I cried every night after I put her to bed because to me, what was the point of having her if I couldn't enjoy her?

If my daughter was sick, I missed work. Not him. It took a toll on me and on my job, so I quit. I still do all of the housework, and our friends do our maintenance, because God forbid my husband could install a new faucet or snake a drain. I manage all appointments, even schedule his, deal with the dog, and make all household purchases.

I have a load of allergies, including peanuts, and he complains that I don't allow peanuts in the home because he likes them. He complains about nearly every dinner. I cook from scratch due to my allergies, so it's not like I'm making On-Cor meals. Lately, even if I make his favorite, it's usually deemed to be lacking something and not very good (needs more cheese, garlic, insert complaint here). He doesn't cook, beyond a frozen pizza. He lives for take-out. So, I've just recently stopped cooking to please and making things I prefer, because I just plain don't care anymore. I can't please him anyway.

We don't have sex unless I initiate it. I always feel dirty after, and I'm sure that's because I feel like it's "just sex", as I feel no affection from him. Plus, to me, it feels awkward.

He lost his dad 3.5 years ago, which made things worse, and I've cut him a lot of slack. But he refuses to talk to anyone or take any meds. I finally decided I can lead a horse to water, but can't force him to drink. I finally said I couldn't do that anymore. That I was sorry, but he needed to deal with it himself of get help, and that the kids and I couldn't suffer for it anymore. I can't imagine the pain of losing a parent. Maybe I'm callous, but he was beginning to use it as an excuse for everything.

Not to mention, his mother treats me like crap, and he has never, not once, stood up for me to her in any way. I raised to be polite and not make a scene, so I have a hard time standing up for myself to my mother in law. Did I mention she is bi-polar and refuses treatment? She's been committed several times in her lifetime, and has even accused her husband of raping her, then admitted to the police that she just wanted him to get out of the house for a little while. But, I'm the bad guy who doesn't allow him to visit enough or make plans with her during the day so she can see her grandkids more... There's far more to it, but I suppose I should focus on my husband.

And why don't I talk to DH about all of this? Well I have. Dozens of times. He knows exactly why I am unhappy. He's made little effort to try to make me happy. In the past, he'd make an effort for a week or so, then revert to how it was previously. Lately, he's taken to getting angry and stating that all I do is complain, and why is it always his fault? In answer, I say, tell me what I am doing wrong, I'd love to fix it. To that, he says nothing. Just clams up. Is he no longer attracted to me? Am I that big of a witch in his eyes?

I've thought about seeing a marriage counselor, but he originally said no, it costs too much money. Now that he says "he'd consider it", I don't know that I want to. I started seeing a therapist myself, to work though my own issues. I've gained a lot of weight since being married and am often depressed.

I'd love to leave, but don't know that I want him to have the kids alone. He's breaking down my oldest's self esteem already. I don't know how she's do with him alone for any stretch. I also owe it to myself to complete school. I have three more years as I drastically changed majors (10 years out of school will do that!). So, basically I hate to stay and I hate to leave. It's a no-win right now.

Wow, sorry for the novella. Kudos if you made it through.
Ella

BorrowedHalo · 07-16-2010, 10:23 PM

Ella,

You are not alone. No one but a SHM will understand this. Even some of them won't get it. When you have a H who is controlling about how much you spend, and you aren't making any money, everything seems hopeless.

I had to laugh a little because, as I read the part about your H loving the TV, mine is "napping" and hugging the remote! WTF! He said he wanted to nap so that we could have sex tonight. He's been up since 3 am because he traveled home today from an out of town job. So, I turn on General Hospital. The last episode I watched was June 22. So, I wanted to catch up on the DVR. Well, he was quick to say, "We're not going to watch this are we?" (Did you hear the whine?) So, I turn the TV off (like it was before I tried to watch GH). NOW he wants to watch something. So, he turns on the Speed channel and falls asleep. I took a pic of him sleeping with the remote, but you don't need to see it to get the picture. So, I didn't want to try to pry the remote out of his hand, b/c then he might wake up and I STILL wouldn't get to watch what I want. So, instead, I got up, went downstairs, borrowed the identical remote and watched GH in FF so that I could catch up. I didn't watch all of the episodes, but a few.

While he is sleeping, I am expected to take a bath so that he can get his groove on. Yawn.

We've been married for 17 years, I've been a SHM for 12. I STILL get in trouble for spending too much money. My children, now teens, DREAD money conversations. I cringe every time a "credit report" commercial comes on. If anyone brings up that they need or want this or that, I pray that he won't say, "Is there anything in the checkbook?" He expects me to balance it weekly.

I just (in April) finished my degree in teaching. When I begin to make a decent living and we become, for the first time ever, a dual income family, I will confront him and tell him that I need some respect or I'm leaving.

Hang in there, hun. I hear ya loud and clear!

HappyHer · 07-17-2010, 07:49 AM

The counseling piece is what stuck out most in my head. Pursue that avenue. Also, the complaints and blaming need to stop. Can you both do that?

Instead of complaints, you are to come to each other with helpful suggestions. An example might be "Honey, I was thinking about this and I think it would make me happy if we could do this with the budget....., what do you think? Then negotiate from there.

If there is a complaint, say "I'm sorry, I can't hear you well when I feel I'm being accused or blamed. Do you have a suggestion or request?"

The eight week Golden Key program may be very beneficial to both of you. You can find more information if you click the link below my signature....