I am in a confusing situation where my wife whom I still love very much after nine years of marriage informed me that she no longer loves me. "I care for you" were the words. But I followed with directly asking if she still loves me and the answer was no.
This week she curtly let me know that she needs love and not sex. This took me a bit by surprise. For one, I cannot remember having anything resembling reliable sex over the past 3 years. But more surprisingly, I just cannot grasp the notion of me not providing her with love. I can only conclude that my love compass is way off. So I am hoping some ladies out there can pin point for me the gaps in my understanding of what love is. Here are things that I routinely do for my wife and the repeated responses I receive in return.
Help out around the house (cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, fix-ups, yard work, dishes, appointments, etc...) -- response generally is indifference / no vocallization
Help with the kids (dinner, homework, YMCA, weekend treks, ...) -- response usually is contention, as if I am stepping onto her territory
Encourage & support her to enjoy activities like girl's night out, hiking, biking, camping with play group friends -- response is a verbal "thanks"
Maintain a great relationship with her in-laws, whom I really like and enjoy spending time with (like camping, or coming over for week end BBQ's) -- no response, almost like it never happens
Single income household, with mutual agreement/desire for her to be a stay at home mom to provide strong nurturing for our children. I have never played the "I make the money card" and routinely express my appreciation for all that she does for the kids. -- some response, generally content but also has mentioned feeling trapped in her life. When pressed if overwhelmed, the reply was a no.
Workwise, come home early to help out. Keep pressures of work out of the home as much as possible. Take adhoc times off to cover her and kids' appointments. No response, nor any encouragement.
Money wise, I take a hit every month going deeper into debt. My wife likes to buy quality things, like $250 swim suites. I cringe with each (and every such purchase) but don't attack her for it. I do ask that she help to try the budget somewhat balanced. Response is always "I know... we need to spend less." Mind you I earn a 6-figure salary and have about 5 t-shirts and a drawer of clothes that most people would donate to Good Will.
Courtship-wise, I routinely complement her on trying to stay fit, on her taste in clothes, and on how she handles herself in situations. -- response, not even a thank you. Just as if it was not said at all.
Intimacy just does not exist. I casually touch her hand, only to have her pull it away. I'll do things like ask her if I can give her a kiss while playing miniature golf, only to be rejected with an uh-eh. Until last month, I could eventually nag my way into sex in the bedroom maybe once or twice a month, but now she has simply stated that she is "not interested in being intimate".
I thought that spice might have been it, and like many dead ends have found out otherwise. Offers of massages, spontaneous dinner reservations, and simple things like an embrace just because all have ended in rejections. The replies are all too common... it's past 10pm, I'm really tired, I'm not comfortable holding hands in public. This is the same wife that would go at it with me on the couch or in a sauna. Flowers just because get shot down ironically because they cost soooo much. It seems to me more of an almost selfishness where enough is never enough and by constantly shifting the target, a spouse can never hit it. Is it more time to one self, more freedom to go out, more time together, ... always something other than what was just improved. I guess that I am really not too comfortable with the tactic that I am seeing being taken. But maybe that is just the male take on it.
That all does mean a lot, in the beginning, but they soon get used to it and then it stops meaning anything, I am in the same same boat.
You end up doing or trying to do more and more to win their love approval, but it just seems to push them even further away till they are so far removed, they are just not interested in yo anymore.
The "I do not love you anymore", it is usually to comfort their conscience that it is now OK to look elsewhere or to start or have an affair, because they have told you that. It is mean.
You are just not meeting their needs, emotional, physical, intelectual and the such like and they have probably already found someone that is now fulfilling their needs...
I do not know what to tell you, because even from my expirience, it is ripping me sideways, but am hanging in there, and trying to be Calm, Consistent and and Constant and see where that tkes me. Also trying to get out more and even though I am not really having much fun, it will come, and then your attitude and outlook will change and then she may see you again as the person she liked.... well this is what I am sort of hoping for... and hope for your sake as well.
omg! i would love to hav a husband tat amazing!!!
im clueless why ure wife would behave tat way... Maybe u shud fidn out if there is any1 else in her life
Honestly, the things you describe pretty much cover it from me. My boyfriend does everything he can to support me and my kids, financially, emotionally, and mentally. Having him express concern over whether or not I'm overwhelmed, want to go out, need help, etc. can be enough, even if I turn down his offers of help. Being touched, for me, is a big way he can show his love for me. Holding my hand, holding me, kissing me, rubbing my back or my shoulders. Sex itself can be a way of expressing our love, but it's not the only or the most important way.
Here's the thing, though: if someone doesn't love you, it really doesn't matter how they see love or how they want it expressed, or what you do to express it. If they don't love you, you could do anything and everything for them and it just won't matter to them.
I don't know what's going on with her, but she's told you she doesn't love you. I would talk to her and see if she's willing to go to marriage counseling to try to salvage what's left of your marriage. If she's not, there may be nothing you can do. If she is, then this issue is a great place to start with the counselor. Explain to him/her what you do and what her response is, and then she can explain her side. The counselor can help both of you express yourselves verbally and get to the bottom of what's going on here.
I agree, it is beautiful, the best..... mmmm, not so sure about that...
The problem is that us guys try and do toooo dam much... and we give or wives the space to go and do all these things and then we wonder why.....
My wife used to get coffee in bed every morning.
I used to drop and collect the kids at school.
I did the shopping
I made the food EVERY night
I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen
Did all of the above for ever, and not just when I felt the marriage was in trouble...
Now from a guys point of view, this should make her want to fall down in bed offering "favours".... no ways, it just alienates them... well this is how it seemed from my point of view. Well she may have wanted me to say how good she looked or the such like, and that would have made her feel MUCH MUCH better than trying to have her love me for the things that I was doing....
Those types of people are just unhappy with themselves, always WANTING someone else to make them happy, It really is sad those who need others to make them feel happy, they will never be until they like themselves and are comfortable with themselves...some of you have gone above and beyond trying to make your wives or husbands happy..bottomline is, they don't know what happy is..and it sucks for you because what they seek, doesn't exist...I never bought my wife anything or remembered dates or stuff like that and she was still ungrateful..and she is still unhappy on her own..so what is love to a woman?...who cares!
Father of 3, I truly feel for you, I am going through the exact same thing. I too, have been recently told by my husband of six years that he no longer loves me, but merely cares for me. He thinks I'm a 'great mother' and 'great wife' but he no longer loves me....
I think back and I feel partly to blame for this. I've always catered my whole life to him and to my child and never focused on myself (Isn't that what marriage is all about?!). I've always been so predictable and my life has become so routine. It gets very dull.
I truly feel that he has found someone else... someone who buys the expensive clothes, gets nails and hair done regularly and is more unpredictable....someone with a spark and not someone who reminds him to take the trash out every week.
My marriage I think is already on the downhill, he actually moved out a week ago, but yours might be salvaged. Take the advice that was given to you by another person. Focus on yourself... have your 'guys night out', go to the gym, start making plans without her, be less predictable and less attentive to her, do something you've been wanting to do but keep puting off.... keep busy.
In other words, back off from her and give her space (If you keep nagging or smothering her, it will just upset her more.) Make her realize that she may lose one of the best things in her life because of her mere foolishness. She's taking you for granted because maybe you have put her on a pedestal (like I did with my husband) and thinks she's a better person than you. Prove her otherwise, she is nothing without you.
Also, pray. I've been really down lately and praying, as well as friends and family are the only things that have helped me.
I've done the snooping and it doesn't make me feel any better. But if you suspect... do it.... just don't get caught and be prepared for whatever you may find. If you do find something, what will you do? You are already unhappy, why make things worse.
Focus on YOU and either she'll come around, or you'll be ready for someone else!
I am in a confusing situation where my wife whom I still love very much after nine years of marriage informed me that she no longer loves me. "I care for you" were the words. But I followed with directly asking if she still loves me and the answer was no.
This week she curtly let me know that she needs love and not sex. This took me a bit by surprise. For one, I cannot remember having anything resembling reliable sex over the past 3 years. But more surprisingly, I just cannot grasp the notion of me not providing her with love. I can only conclude that my love compass is way off. So I am hoping some ladies out there can pin point for me the gaps in my understanding of what love is. Here are things that I routinely do for my wife and the repeated responses I receive in return.
Help out around the house (cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, fix-ups, yard work, dishes, appointments, etc...) -- response generally is indifference / no vocallization
Help with the kids (dinner, homework, YMCA, weekend treks, ...) -- response usually is contention, as if I am stepping onto her territory
Encourage & support her to enjoy activities like girl's night out, hiking, biking, camping with play group friends -- response is a verbal "thanks"
Maintain a great relationship with her in-laws, whom I really like and enjoy spending time with (like camping, or coming over for week end BBQ's) -- no response, almost like it never happens
Single income household, with mutual agreement/desire for her to be a stay at home mom to provide strong nurturing for our children. I have never played the "I make the money card" and routinely express my appreciation for all that she does for the kids. -- some response, generally content but also has mentioned feeling trapped in her life. When pressed if overwhelmed, the reply was a no.
Workwise, come home early to help out. Keep pressures of work out of the home as much as possible. Take adhoc times off to cover her and kids' appointments. No response, nor any encouragement.
Money wise, I take a hit every month going deeper into debt. My wife likes to buy quality things, like $250 swim suites. I cringe with each (and every such purchase) but don't attack her for it. I do ask that she help to try the budget somewhat balanced. Response is always "I know... we need to spend less." Mind you I earn a 6-figure salary and have about 5 t-shirts and a drawer of clothes that most people would donate to Good Will.
Courtship-wise, I routinely complement her on trying to stay fit, on her taste in clothes, and on how she handles herself in situations. -- response, not even a thank you. Just as if it was not said at all.
Intimacy just does not exist. I casually touch her hand, only to have her pull it away. I'll do things like ask her if I can give her a kiss while playing miniature golf, only to be rejected with an uh-eh. Until last month, I could eventually nag my way into sex in the bedroom maybe once or twice a month, but now she has simply stated that she is "not interested in being intimate".
- Thanks in advance
If you are truely doing everything you know to do and she doesn't want to work on it. Give her space; a lot of space like separation. She'll either realize what she had or you will realize she really wants to move on. Sometimes shaking things up, makes a person realize what they are loosing. Easier said than done, I know.
My wife has done all the above. She still tells me loves me though. But it's just our goodbye thing. Ingrained after 18 yrs. I've been spending the last 2 weeks cleaning our house while she's been on a 2 week trip with her side of the family. I wasn't invited although she did know beforehand I really didn't want to go. After reading this post I'm kind of wondering what to say to her if she thanks me for cleaning. Any suggestions? Like you I've been doing housework for a long time. The kitchen is mine but it's usually the only clean room. I like a clean house. She could sit in front of the TV while the walls are falling down I think. It's surprising how filthy house keepers some women can be. I'm kind of regretting cleaning the place now, maybe I should dirty it back up. I kind of went all out I mean I cleaned walls and all. I even cleaned the inside of the washing machine. Some of us guys are just too needy and go all out for a little appreciation.
I just wish I knew how to help. Once us girls get something into our heads, it can be very hard to shake. The only thing I can suggest is giving your wife the same treatment she's giving you. Give her plenty of space. Ignore her. Go out without her and have some fun. Act like you don't care anymore that she wants out. If she is just in the middle of some sort of crisis and truly doesn't want to leave, see how quickly the fear of losing you jolts her back to her old self.
I think this is probably the best advice. A few thoughts:
Women generally check out of a relationship emotionally well before they do physically. So her ambivalence is a sign she's already out of it. It may not have anything to do with you, it could be her dissatisfaction at being a stay at home mom, her own need for the kind of excitement you can't give her after the familiarity of a long term relationship. Who knows. She seems uninterested in fixing things.
Also, the advice to look out for an affair is sound. She's SUPER vulnerable to the attentions of another man right now. If she's not in an affair, she'd be ripe for the picking from a predatory man.
I'd confront her in a gentle way. Something like, "It feels to me that you are checking out of this relationship. I'm going to be making some changes in myself, and I'd like for this to work. I'd like for you to be on board and I think we can create the kind of passionate marriage we both want. Either way I plan on having more fun in my life." Then leave it at that and make it your god d*mn MISSION to have fun. Plan fun things and invite her to come. If she doesn't then you do them anyway.
Oh, and if you discover she's having an affair, then buckle in because it's going to be a brutal ride for you. Sorry to say it.
Thanks for all of your thoughts. I knew I would receive some that would bruise a little and others that would be theraputic. More self time is what I am starting with first. Too long has gone by since I have set aside time for me -- I am a sacrificer by nature and that only has return early in relationships apparently. I've already treated myself for a relaxing massage and a movie is in the works in the next days to come. I'm planning on going to see "Inception".
Good for you. you may also want to read a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy". It's about the "nice guy" syndrome, and how those of us that 'sacrifice' for others, and just 'nice guys' really have a hidden agenda, that's steeped in passive aggression. Not sure if it's relevant, but a good read.
What is love to a woman? 
..bottomline is, they don't know what happy is
..and it sucks for you because what they seek, doesn't exist...I never bought my wife anything or remembered dates or stuff like that and she was still ungrateful
..and she is still unhappy on her own
