Husband needing insight from a female perspective.
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Old 07-21-2010, 01:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband needing insight from a female perspective.

Hello, I have been married for almost 10 years now and we have two children.

First, a bit about my wife. She has many good qualities, physically, mentally and emotionally. I love her to pieces! She is very quick tempered (or short), she can be oppositional if pushed, and she likes to up and go...sometimes with me...sometimes without me. Sometimes for just a day...to go drive, or shop, or have some beers. Pretty innocent stuff. And sometimes if she's just sick of me...which I hate to see her go away for theday on those terms but I think it is probably good for her.!? When she is at home she like to stay to herself alot..doin tv, laying out by the pool, catchin a buzz, stayin up later than I like...but nonetheless shes at home enjoying herself and sometimes I feel she's not taking care of herself but she claims she is good with what she does and where she's at in her life!

Now about me. I am the husband that does the "do list" cook, clean, laundry, kids, et cetera. I have always been a pleaser, and sometimes my wife says I'm trying to be too helpful, too much. I came from a divorced home, my parents divorced when I was 6 and my wife's parents have been nicely married for 40 years! So I have some insecutiries about losing people I love from childhood...so I do tend to be too helpful or do too much.

For the first 7 or 8 years of marriage my insecurities led me to want to micro-manage our relationshipand more often than I should have...had my thumb on her. Even if she was going out with a girlfriend or by herself...my mind would go crazy and chaos would prevail. Typically she would stay out and come home around midnight or 1 am, I presume to get the most out her her alone time.

During the last year I have been trying to work on some of my issues, recently trying to tackle learning to trust myself and get over my insecurities so that I can fully trust her. Which will make my life less stressful (by not having irrational, comsuming thoughts when she's out alone for a day even though I know she will be home...it may not be until 12 or 1 am but she will come home).

She constantly, since we've been married, has ALWAYS reinforced the fact the she loves me, wants to grow old together and would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship...but she is very strong willed and stubbon at times, very tell it like it is and seems to not have much tolerance for things that irritate her (which pushes her away from me sometimes if I do something that irritates her).
So I think I know that I have nothing to worry about, and I should feel secure in this marriage and trust her fully.

Now here is what's currently going on. I have been trying to get better at feeling good about her time alone days and not be consumed with irrational thoughts. She usually takes about 1 or 1.5 per month...which in the big picture is not much at all.
But me being the home-body pleaser, it is still difficult to understand sometimes when she does go out.

But anywhoo...Everything has been clickin along pretty well but since I have been in self-discovery mode and wanting better for myself...I have had the tendency to transfer the "wanting better or more or how can we improve such and such. This has become greatly annoying to her...She says recently that all of our conversations always wind up talkin about the same ol crap and how can we fix this or do better at that, blah blah blah. ( I know this irritates her because she feels good with where she is at, even if she does self-destructive (yet innocent) things like stay up late at home and catch a buzz until 3 am while playin games on her iphone).

So I am wanting to get a womans point of view on what do women want to talk about?...Seems after we cover the usual day to day specifics...I tend to go to the me and we improvement chats. I run out of things to talk about. She has expressed that we are not as close emotionally as she'd like. But I really don't know how to get there or what to do.

So ladies, I'd like help with the following questions:
---------------------------------------------------
>What kind of stuff do wives desire to talk with their husband about (serious, casual, intellectual, emotional...examples of all would be helpful)?

>How can I become more emotionally connected with my wife?

>When she wants to up and go for a day, would it be best to just say sure...have fun...and leave it at that? (i usually ask more ?'s like what ya going to do, how long you gonna be gone, et cetera) And are those simple questions too much prying? Does it mean I am putting out mistrust signals?

Last edited by DALMORE; 07-28-2010 at 10:47 AM.
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Old 07-21-2010, 02:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband needing insight from a female perspective.

In terms of what we like to talk about, it all depends on the person. Personally, I'll talk to my boyfriend about anything. Politics, current events, TV shows we watch together or even ones we watch separately, music, movies, the kids, the bills, our future together, our plans together and separate, what we're going to do this weekend, next weekend, next month, family, so much more. We can talk about anything and everything, and I know that even if I know nothing about a particular topic, he'll know enough to teach me, and my questions regarding it will keep the conversation going. We tend to occasionally have discussions about how to improve our relationship, but not so much lately, since our relationship has gotten better and more stable again.

In becoming emotionally connected, that's a two person job. It's communication, sharing, and making yourself vulnerable. It's also acknowledging that the other person is making themselves vulnerable to you and showing them that they are safe in doing so. So, what I'm saying here is that even though she says she wants to be closer that way, if she's not doing anything to make it happen, it won't. You both have to be doing that.

When she wants to go for a day...I will ask my boyfriend when he will be home, but only so I know how to plan dinner or when I should start to worry because he isn't back. I will sometimes ask where he's going to go or what he's going to do but only out of curiosity, and if he says he doesn't know, I leave it alone. He has no problem with telling me, so it's not an issue for us. I think perhaps the tone or the wording of the question could make a difference in how it comes across. My lightly asked, "Ok, honey, have fun. Hey, what do you think you're gonna do?" might come across very differently than your depressed sounding, "Ok, honey, have fun. What do you intend to do all day?" (Not saying that's how you do it, but just trying to give a dramatic, obvious example). Same goes for him asking me.

I think perhaps what you should do right now is look at why it bothers you so much that she's so independent. If she's never given you a reason not to trust her, and she's only going out for a day or so a month, why is it such a big deal? And some of the stuff you describe, to me, is not stuff to worry about. She stays up later than you. So what? My boyfriend goes to bed at 9, just like my kids. I stay up until 11. But he has to get up at 3:30 in the morning to go to work, whereas I can sleep until 7. He doesn't care that I stay up. He knows that all I'm doing is reading my book, watching TV or playing on the computer. And before he got this job, it was reversed. I go to bed at 11, and he would stay up until 1 or 2. But again, I knew that all he was doing was playing on the computer or watching TV. So I didn't care. I mean, yes, I'd like to have him next to me when I sleep, but I know when he comes to bed he'll hold me, so it really doesn't matter. The drinking...I can see being concerned about that if you think she has a drinking problem. And if that's the case, then you should look into getting her some help, although I'm not entirely sure how you would go about confronting an alcoholic.

Also, you describe some of those things as self-destructive. I really don't see how staying up late is self destructive. Everyone's body clock is different. Hers is just tuned later than yours. The drinking, again, I can see how that could be termed self destructive, but only if it's a problem. A beer or two every day is not necessarily a drinking problem; there are even health studies that suggest a glass of wine or beer everyday is beneficial. I wonder if perhaps part of the problem is not the behavior itself, but that you seem to judge it.

If she's feeling judged, she may feel the need to rebel and continue the behavior just to annoy you, as a child would. And the constant self and couple improvement discussions could also be contributing to that, it may feel to her like you think you're better than she is. I'm not saying you're doing these things on purpose, just that that could be how it comes across to her, and therefore leads to continuations of the same behaviors that are bothering you, which leads you to continue your thing, which leads to her...and so on and so on. It's a cycle.

Last edited by greeneyeddolphin; 07-21-2010 at 04:19 PM.
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Old 07-21-2010, 02:57 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband needing insight from a female perspective.

atruckersgirl...you are accurate with your comment below...I do tend to judge sometimes. Kinda of thing that if I choose not to do something why can't my wife do the same....but I know we are different people that tick in different ways.

And she will rebel (not to a damaging point, but enough to wake me up and show me what she "could" do if pushed more and more .. kind of acting out the label I'm putting on her, including making her feel I don't trust her or don't accept her for what she does or who she is.

So, in your opinion when she is out of town on an "alone" day. Should I just leave her alone and not communicate with her? ( Unless of emergency) To fully give her the space she is needing?

<<<<I wonder if perhaps part of the problem is not the behavior itself, but that you seem to judge it.

If she's feeling judged, she may feel the need to rebel and continue the behavior just to annoy you, as a child would. And the constant self and couple improvement discussions could also be contributing to that, it may feel to her like you think you're better than she is. I'm not saying you're doing these things on purpose, just that that could be how it comes across to her, and therefore leads to continuations of the same behaviors that are bothering you, which leads you to continue your thing, which leads to her...and so on and so on. It's a cycle. >>>>
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Old 07-21-2010, 04:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband needing insight from a female perspective.

>>>>What kind of stuff do wives desire to talk with their husband about (serious, casual, intellectual, emotional...examples of all would be helpful)?<<<< Personally, I think this depends on the person. I'm not too much of a "lets talk about our feelings" girl either, but EVERYONE is different. What interests HER? Talk about those things. If you don't know much about those things, LEARN about them, or ask her a few questions about it. She'll probably perk up at the thought of you wanting to know more about what interests her. My husband is constantly blabbing about football, trucks, ESPN, Xbox...and it is BORING to me. If he were to ask me about photography, or horses, or something that I am interested in, I'd love to blab about that to him for a while...ESPECIALLY if he acted genuinely interested and asked questions.

>>>>>How can I become more emotionally connected with my wife?<<<<<
I think that you need to know where she is even AT emotionally before you can expect to connect with her. I think you could start out by doing kind of the same thing as the last question: Get to know HER interests. Instead of trying to talk about how to "fix" things like YOU want to...go to her level. Talk to her about things that mean a lot to her! Offer to go with her to do some of those things, or even talk about maybe trying something new out TOGETHER. Common interests always seem to get me and my husband more close emotionally. We got stuck in a HUGE rain/hail storm on our Harley last weekend. It was cold, nasty, wet & it hurt, but we couldn't stop talking about how much FUN it was for the rest of the weekend! It was a great bonding experience for us.

>>>>>>When she wants to up and go for a day, would it be best to just say sure...have fun...and leave it at that? (i usually ask more ?'s like what ya going to do, how long you gonna be gone, et cetera) And are those simple questions too much prying? Does it mean I am putting out mistrust signals? <<<<<<<<<
I think that the less questions you ask, the more she'll want to tell you. If my husband wants to know all the details of where I'm going, when I'll be home, etc...I get defensive and hold back information. But if he just says "ok, have fun" and leaves it at that...I find myself wanting to give him more information than he's asking. If she hasn't ever given you any reason to think she's cheating...don't let that thought enter your mind. Just because we want some "alone" time does not mean we want "out"!

Hope this helps you a little?!
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Old 07-21-2010, 05:33 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband needing insight from a female perspective.

If she's wanting some space, then yes, I think leaving her alone except for an emergency is the way to go. If I feel the need for some space, bugging me about it or bugging me while I'm doing it just makes me want it more. And like brwneyedgrl said, wanting time alone does not mean the same as wanting out. Sometimes we all just need a little bit of time alone, to think, to recharge, to chill. It's not a bad thing; actually it's a very good thing. It means she'll come home feeling refreshed and happier and therefore more willing to give to you what you want/need from her.

Also, another thought that just occurred to me...on those days when she goes off for her alone time, what do you do? Do you just sit around thinking about what she's doing and wondering when she'll be home? Or do you go out and do things? If you're not already, I highly recommend going out and doing things to occupy yourself while she's busy. Find a hobby (if you don't already have one) and go enjoy it. Not only will it distract you from what she's doing, it will also make you more attractive to her because you are doing something independent yourself.
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Old 07-21-2010, 06:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband needing insight from a female perspective.

atruckersgirl, do you have a video camera into my life??? You busted me. When she is gone i do have a tendency to think alot about what she's doing and wondering when she'll be home. I have done better lately, trying to keep busy when shes gone and not think too much about it.

And it hasn't been until very recently that I've really realized that I seem to have lost myself. And that generally most of the things I do are controlled either by my kids and definitely my wife.

When I get home from work, I hang with the kids for a while, then when my wife gets home from work I naturally find myself migrating to where ever she is. If she goes to the bedroom to watch tv or goes to layout by the pool or sit outside and play on her iphone...I always seem to follow what she does. Although she is the dominant one in the relationship, this nailed me a few days ago. I was like good lord, I really don't do much that I want to do for myself and what I do is dictated by what my wfe and my kids do.

This made me realize how much I 'hover' around my wife and I realized that this behavior can backfire because I don't do a good job at creating my own space and doing my own thing. And because I hover around my wife or be "up her ass" when I hover too much, the desire for her to want to miss me or come to me is gone because I am always coming to her so she does not have the desire to seek me out and come to me. (Just realized these last few lines today!...wow this is deep...looks like I have some 'me' work to do!)
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Old 07-22-2010, 11:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband needing insight from a female perspective.

You seem like a really sweet husband, and she seems like a really strong wife. Seems to me like she has it all figured out, and knows exactly where she wants to be. You should trust her, unless she has given you reason otherwise. She seems very practical in life and doesn't like to be doubted. So ultimately she won't listen to anything you have to say because she thinks she knows what she is doing, and you are crying about petty things like letting her go out for a while. Think about it from her perspective as a free individual.

anyway, good luck, i hope you figure it out. Rem, be practical!!!!
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:21 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband needing insight from a female perspective.

Don't focus so much on the nuts and bolts your marriage seems to be put together soundly. What to talk about? Everything imo the way to a woman's heart is LAUGHTER have fun!! If she is laughing your golden.

Too much self help stuff just sucks!! Have fun, go out, do activities together, don't smother, do you have dog, kids, hobbies, if so how much time do you just sit and talk anway?

Good luck!! Take a step back and make it fun and exciting or a couple of years from now all of the "improvement" work may backfire.

Good luck.
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