Originally Posted by galatians6:9guy View Post
I was diagnosed 3 days ago with ADHD. My wife and I have been separated for seven months as of today. About a month ago, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. The issues (to sum it up and make it sound way too simple) have been my rage, mood swings, I have kissed other women, and she feels as though she has been emotionally abused.
When I was a kid, my parents asked me if I would go see a doctor to find out if there was anything "wrong with me". I was moody, depressed, and had some CRAZY rage, especially towards my mom. I pitched a fit and refused to go. Recently, I had hit such a depression that my father recommended that I see someone. So I did.
I just told my wife today about the ADHD. She said "wow, that makes sense" but she was really just referring to how distracted I can be.
I have a lot of hope that I can be a different man. I had hope before I found out this information. I feel a bit like a victim to have gone through my entire life with this issue and have not known it. I have a book called "Is it you, me, or ADD" that was written to people diagnosed with ADHD later in life and their partners. Right now, she doesn't seem too interested in finding out about ADHD. That hurts a bit.
We were best friends. Had a good marriage. No wonder I couldn't see it. We are able to have conversations. We have not been nasty. I still see hope. There is none if she doesn't want to try. There is none if she just doesn't want to be married to me.
I am praying that we can make it through this storm.
I didnt plan on posting at all here, was just looking for advice but I saw your post and had to respond Galations.
First, There is Hope. ALWAYS remember that. I too was in your same situation. My wife I and I seperated for 9 months due to the rage, mood swings, "checking out" and emotional abuse. I was not diagnosed ADHD at that time so i just started working on what she feared the most, my anger. She wanted nothing to do with me but one of the greatest gifts many ADHD people have is tenaciousness. Stick in there, show her how much you love her. She may not be willing to learn about ADHD now, but she may be so angry she sees your diagnosis as a "crutch" to excuse past mistakes. Once you are able to show her how much you cherish her and what she means to you, her anger will hopefully cool and she can look past that judgement.
Mistakes may have been made in the past, but mistakes can also be forgiven. The road is not easy, I will not lie to you, but IMHO it is worth it. I was told many times that "I want to divorce" "Go away" " I dont love you" among many other things. The key for my wife and I was that I listened at the time and did not immediately try everything i could to "fix" it. If she said "go away", I left instead of trying to convince otherwise or talk about anything else. I always let her know I loved her and was not going to give up while doing this.
The best piece of advice I was given was from the marriage counselor before my wife told me to leave and that she didnt want to see the counselor together anymore. It was this: "You need to be standing, waiting with your arms open. She is not ready now to be together, but if she ever is you still need to be waiting with your arms open."
"Is it you, Me or the ADD" is a great resource, "The Love Dare" is also. I still read "The Love Dare" 3-4 times a year because it is very easy for me to fall back into my routines even with treatment.
I hope you keep pursuing treatment for your ADHD and over time she will see the strengths many of us have as well as the lesseneing of the weaknesses. I apologise if i have been disjointed in my post, just so many thoughts and memories came flooding back when i read your post i am trying to get all the helpful ones in there. Remember there is Hope and You can do whatever you set your mind to. HE may have given some of us brains with disjointed wiring, but HE also gave us many gifts that come easily to us that many others have to try hard for. I wish you luck my friend and will be watching this thread.