Husband on camping trip with 2 women
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Old 07-22-2010, 11:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband on camping trip with 2 women

My husband is 27, the women are 21 and 26. He is going on the trip (in the alaska wilderness) just the three of them for 6 days because his work told him to. He's the only married one. I personally think it's like hanging a big cookie in front of him. Last year his work had 1 sex assault and 1 rape case.. those people don't work there anymore.. but what were they thinking?

Anyway.. I've only been married 2 yrs in August. Been with this guy for 6 years. I've spoken with close friends and family.. but I would LOVE some other feedback.

No children, just dogs.

I think my biggest issue is being powerless to do anything about it. And of course the possibility that something will 'happen.' Although I don't think he'd actively try anything at all. But I do think when faced with temptation....

We have honesty issues as it is...

I hope I gave enough information!

I really look forward to any advice ..or opinions!
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Old 07-23-2010, 12:19 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

Thank you for your reply!

Well, I did say some of those things. I even spoke with his boss (because he just happened to drop by the house). I didn't say much...

He is in the middle of freakin nowhere.. like the coast guard dropped them off.. they have a satellite phone and it's for emergencies..

Yo ugave me some awesome advice.. that I wish I had taken.. b/c I made it out more like "well obv your supervisors (he just got the job in Feb) don't know the real you" and etc.. I've been a total A**hole.. but it's how I honestly feel.. anyway.. I made it out like he wasn't trustworthy.. b/c he isn't to me.. I didn't want to make him think they'd want him! haha! At least my grandma always said not to let the dude know when another girl eyes him.. hehe

Oh gosh! That's awesome that worked for you! How did you deal? Did he not go? I feel like if he said NO.. he wouldn't have to go.. but he jsut got the job in Feb. so I'm thinking he was torn btw teling them no and seeing if I would do anything about it... which I've been threatening.. but we are in bush alaska.. no roads out.. Ihave my own online business.. so I have the money.. it's just harder to leave than when I could jsut hop on the highway... sorry for the typos ..

Phew.. anyway.. I WAS freaking out.. which is why I got online! It's really nice to talk to someone without worrying about bias like with family and friends...

Thank you..

Am I INSANE for staying? How can I jsut be all normal when he gets back? How could he POSSIBLY think I'd want to be intimate before he goes? Holy crap.. out in the middle of nowhere with two young women?? It's insane.. totally insane.. I feel like it's this conspiracy against our marriage! haha!
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

There is no freaking way I would allow that to happen (to me that is). I would tell my boss he's going to have to find another candidate for the trip that I would not be participating in it. My W would trust me I'm sure if I absolutely had to go, but I know how she would feel about it and I would never leave her wondering. I'm sorry, frankly, that is an inappropriate camping trip for a married man to attend and I would think considering the circumstances, he is probably more likely able to get out of going than he thinks. Best of luck.
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:41 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

I agree. Although I never asked him about saying no.. he said something recently when he was called in on his day off for a couple hours that he could "always say he had had a couple bloody mary's" and that he could always say no.

Earlier in the year.. on a trip with his superiors (the two women are just temporary-seasonal summer employees).. he said that he mentioned not wanting to stay on overnights with female seasonals in the cabin on the water (he is tent camping on glacier right now).. and that his superiors said they understood and gave him a male and older woman seasonal to be in charge of (he is a permanent employee if that makes sense). now I feel like that is total crap. Would they send two males with a female for 6 days? Is he secretly happy about this? oh gosh.. now I'm getting paranoid and extreme...

?
am I?

Anyway.. my point HERE is that he very well could say no! They couldn't fire him! He signed a 2 year contract! We bought a house... maybe that part doesn't matter.. but it wasn't a do or get a new job thing.. but I think he thinks it is OR really wanted to go...

This is really starting to make me mad now...

I've seriously looked into leaving over this.

Is that overreacting? Is just considering overreaction mean I am overreacting? AH! I don't care why... that's how I honestly feel...

I was a flight attendant for the first few years we were together.. we should be used to being apart.. that's not it.. it's that I don't have the power over my life that I used to. It's the number one reason I have avoided having children. I don't want to be trapped. That's a WHOLE other issue.. excuse that...
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Old 07-23-2010, 02:14 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

I don't feel you're overreacting at all. In fact, you have every right to be concerned/paranoid, however I don't think you should up and leave him over it. By him telling you that 'he could have a couple of bloody marys' to get out of going in and saying no to that, makes me think that it would be even easier for him to get out of going than I originally thought. I don't understand why they wouldn't send him with all male/permanent employees or send another in his place then keep the seasonal ones there to do the work. With your saying he's under contract, unless this contract specifically says he must attend such trips (which I doubt, but can't say for sure), there is no doubt in my mind he couldn't say no. Especially considering the company he will be with as being a married man. Most places of employment respect marriage vows. What line of work is he in if you don't mind my asking?

Let me recommend you calmly and rationally sitting down and talking with him about it. Tell him exactly how you feel about him going without bringing up distrust in him if possible (you said you have trust issues, adding this could trigger his defensive stance). Speak to him from your heart.
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Old 07-23-2010, 02:33 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

He is law enforcement..

and they really gave bot of us the impression that marriage was important to 'them'...when we first came to visit before he accepted the job

Yes, I agree that I shouldn't leave over this particular thing.. it's one of these ongoing issues... where he accepts something (like a different assignment last year) without asking how I feel about it. Sure... he's 'worked' on this type of issue and asked me about things I actually don't care about like "can I work on my day off for overtime pay' or something like that... but on larger things.. that I'm sure he knows will be increasingly difficult for me to accept.. he is not so forthcoming and honest...

SO, that said.. leaving has been on my mind a long time .. about a year...wow.. so it's like I'm at this crossroads of .. do I stay and accept this is 'us' and how it's going to be? Or do something about it? I realize doing something about doesn't have to mean leaving.. I have had that hear to heart with him... and on this particular trip.. he didn't really discuss it.. just go and read or lay down and not talk about it.... he'll lay on the bed with the pillow on his head and not talk for like 2 hours. He left his morning for the trip.. he called while they were waiting for the helicopter or whatever and said I wasn't very nice this morning (I was asleep!!) and that he just wanted to say he loved me and that he'd see me in a few says (like 6/7!) .. I didn't have much to say.. that doesn't impress me.. what would have impressed me would have been talking about it before.. maybe trying NOT to go.. or even something really small like leaving a note this morning for me to find later.. anything..

You are correct. The contract does not state any of these things are mandatory. This trip for example was apparently only planned last month. Canceled and rescheduled. Some training is definitely mandatory.. but not this.

That's a great idea about discussing it without the "I don't trust you and why should I" commentary. I didn't harp on that this time, though it was definitely mentioned.

I'm wondering now.. what in the heck are we going to talk about when he gets back?

Camping is one of the most intimate things you can do with a person.. sharing TP, meals, maybe they have their own tents.. can't believe him.. and all the time together.

I feel like he is going to think I'm just going to be here no matter what he does.

What a freaking luxury.. to go camping with two women and your wife still be there when you get back.

Last edited by aigroc; 07-23-2010 at 02:42 AM.
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Old 07-23-2010, 03:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

Guy responding.

Unless your husband has cheated on you previously, I think your reaction and treatment of him is actually way out of line.

Your post made me see red flags all over the place - none of them a result of your husband's behavior, but yours.

Reality check. He's on a friggin glacier in a tent, where his job sent him, probably fending off swarms of mosquitoes. Not exactly a seduction scenario.

You indicate that you have trust issues - if your husband is the source of those trust issues, then you probably should leave.

If he isn't the source - and you want to stay married, then I strongly urge you to get some professional help. Relying on him consistently modifying his behavior so that you feel 'better' doesn't help your marriage in the long run.

If you can't find a positive and healthy way to express your misgivings without undermining him or accusing him - your doomed anyway.
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Old 07-23-2010, 04:24 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

I understand your thoughts better now and didn't realize you've felt this way for a while. If you value your marriage to him and counseling is readily available where you are, maybe that is an option you can explore. As far as him neglecting to talk to you about major events and getting your thoughts and feelings on them (inconsideration, on his part may better describe), well it sounds like he needs a wake up call. Maybe you could tell him you're wanting to leave or maybe you could allow him to read your posts here. I was there and I treated my wife similarly early on in our marriage (married 9 years). I'll try to explain:

I became distant with my wife after our 1st child was born. I know you say you have no kids but I think maybe this life changing event is what unconsciously shut me down. For some men, marriage alone can be this trigger and you two still have not been married that long, neither have I for that matter. Anyway, we both began taking each other for granted. I was there for her on anything she needed but I wasn't there as if I were on 'autopilot', if that makes sense. She tried to talk to me about this but I couldn't understand what she was talking about and thought everything was fine. I was blind and 'comfortable', so to speak.

We went to one of her family get-togethers earlier this year and I witnessed first hand, her cousin who had been happily married for over 20 years now on the brink of divorce. I talked with him until the wee hours of the night and I began to realize just what my wife and I were missing. My wife and I have since became closer than ever as I can't imagine life with out her, never could really but I didn't realize that then. Thankfully we never cheated because neither of us are wired that way. When we discussed this after the fact, she told me that she always knew I would come back to her and that she would've waited the rest of her life if thats what it would've taken. I have to give her much credit. She put up with me this way for nearly 7 years and stood by my side the whole time. I am truly thankful for that. I'm not saying thats what you should do, just my scenario is all.

I'm sorry and I don't know if that will help you or not. The point I tried to make is that maybe he don't see what hes doing or not doing and needs to. My wife and I don't believe in leaving (divorce) and thats something I would never recommend unless things go terribly south and theres absolutely no way to fix it. Even then it would be really hard for me to consider it. The absolute only way I could easily leave and not look back is if I were in fact cheated on. Thats just my honest life experience. Sorry if I wasn't much help.
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Old 07-23-2010, 07:43 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
Guy responding.

Unless your husband has cheated on you previously, I think your reaction and treatment of him is actually way out of line.

Your post made me see red flags all over the place - none of them a result of your husband's behavior, but yours.

Reality check. He's on a friggin glacier in a tent, where his job sent him, probably fending off swarms of mosquitoes. Not exactly a seduction scenario.

You indicate that you have trust issues - if your husband is the source of those trust issues, then you probably should leave.

If he isn't the source - and you want to stay married, then I strongly urge you to get some professional help. Relying on him consistently modifying his behavior so that you feel 'better' doesn't help your marriage in the long run.

If you can't find a positive and healthy way to express your misgivings without undermining him or accusing him - your doomed anyway.
Another guy here and agree with above poster.

You say there have been problems for a year, maybe these are clouding your perspective.

it sounds like a job where camping out, either as part of the job or as training, is part of the job. Did he trust you when you were a flight attendant and away from home?
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Old 07-23-2010, 10:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

I have traveled with men many many times, married and not. Shticking a colleague is considered a career limiting move. So I never did. Not to mention that i am trustworthy, taking my marriage vows rather seriously. Dh trusts me.

Work is work. If you are lucky enough to have a job that pays the bills in this economy, then count your blessings.

If you have problems in your marriage it is not the traveling arrangements that are the problem.

S
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Old 07-23-2010, 10:45 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

I agree with the two guys who say it is all in your head.....to an extent. I understand you've had trust issues where he is the source. However, I think you need to learn how to compartmentalize to distinguish between those issues and this one. You don't say that any of those other issues had anything to do with him cheating. Therefore, you have no reason not to trust him, which means you are making a mountain.......

Compartmentalizing again, I see there is a third issue in which you feel powerless in this situation and also feel you have no control of your life in other areas. Very, very good reason not to have children. How smart you are. But don't let all these things pile on top of you the way you're doing. Sort them all out into separate issues so they stand alone each and every one. That way, the load doesn't feel so heavy and it will be much easier to decide if you can live with this situation/this marriage or not. Right now, you are feeling angry, feeling powerless, and unable to decide to leave. Getting your thoughts, feelings, issues all in order will give you clearer picture of what you're dealing with and help you decide based on each of their merits. For example, your husband camping with two women is no reason to leave. Because something MIGHT happen is no reason to leave. But feeling powerless where his job is concerned, in that they placed him in this position and likely will again is reason enough to leave. Or better yet, it is reason enough to get yourself and your husband out of Alaska if that will make you more comfortable. Discussing him changing jobs or moving to the mainland is an option. If he refuses, then that also is reason to leave because you simply cannot be expected to live this way.

And leaving is something you have to do or not do. You can't vacillate back and forth with indecision. That only proves confusion and leads you to make emotionally-based decisions, which is never a good idea. It's the reason you can't make a decision and will be the reason you won't stick to the decision, and there's no point in leaving only to return in a few days. You accomplish nothing that way. So, get your emotions in check and place your thoughts and issues in order. Hubby will be away for 6 days. You have plenty of time to calm down and do the evaluating.

And just a note to say this company is in for many law suits. Even if nothing happens, either of these women CAN say it did. And the greater likelihood is something will happen whether with your husband or some other people. They are not getting the message from previous events.

Last edited by Susan2010; 07-23-2010 at 10:50 AM.
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:55 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
Guy responding.

Unless your husband has cheated on you previously, I think your reaction and treatment of him is actually way out of line.

Your post made me see red flags all over the place - none of them a result of your husband's behavior, but yours.

Reality check. He's on a friggin glacier in a tent, where his job sent him, probably fending off swarms of mosquitoes. Not exactly a seduction scenario.

You indicate that you have trust issues - if your husband is the source of those trust issues, then you probably should leave.

If he isn't the source - and you want to stay married, then I strongly urge you to get some professional help. Relying on him consistently modifying his behavior so that you feel 'better' doesn't help your marriage in the long run.

If you can't find a positive and healthy way to express your misgivings without undermining him or accusing him - your doomed anyway.

I absolutely agree that "Relying on him consistently modifying his behavior so that you feel 'better' doesn't help your marriage in the long run."

The honesty issues are about 3 separate affairs. Physical and hidden affairs, while I was flying, in another country or state, out of town period. I thought when I 'retired' and finished school, started an online business and was at home, he would be happier and not 'stray.' And he hasn't that I know of, I haven't even suspected it. 2 of the affairs he doesn't know I know of. That is a HARD thing to keep to oneself.. so I hope that goes to show I'm not overly accusatory. I made ONE statement to him about not being the most trustworthy person and I stated that in my original post. I regretted that comment deeply, however I recognized what I had done and stopped it right there.

He has also lied a LOT about hiding porn on the computer. LOVELY to find on accident! haha Neither of these things have happened for at least a year. I think b/c we are 'working' on our relationship with books and talks etc.

When I say 'intimate' situation.. I certainly did not mean to imply that I think it's a seduction scenario. One thing we do together often is camp, and pack in the wilderness, every place we live. It's just our lifestyle. I'm pretty familiar with how 'sexy' camping can be haha!

I thought that discussing things calmly WAS a healthy and rational way to go about disagreements. Both he and I work very hard on communicating. AND like I mentioned in the first post, I don't believe he would do anything actively. I think someone would have to start it.

BUT as much as that crosses my mind, I don't really believe that's what's going on (also stated in 1st post), I think my issue here is feeling powerless. It's the best way I can explain it. He doesn't ask how I FEEL about a situation. Even though I realize he HAS to do some things for work.. he doesn't ask how I FEEL and then goes and does it (whatever it is) without my opinion or discussion (that's what we are continually working on.. we are really good at it sometimes and other times, he lays down and doesn't talk no matter what). That makes me feel like he doesn't care what I think or feel. Maybe he knows how I feel, but would rather not discuss it and just do what he wants.. does that make sense?

I've discussed going back to my old job (I have an offer) for about a year now.. 3 separate larger talks and lots of mini-talks...it's ongoing.. I turned down 3 offers last year because he said he REALLY likes eating dinner with me every night and having me at home. I wasn't ready and I liked that too, so I turned those offers down. Now, I have another offer. We've been talking about it since spring because I knew it would come... and I try really hard to get his honest feelings.. just to make sure that he won't be depressed or frustrated while I'm gone.. which I'm sure happens sometimes (happened a LOT before). I just want to be sure that while I go and get my career back, our marriage won't suffer too terribly.

I know it would be nice to say; why can't you just DO what I do...be like me etc etc.. but all I really needed I guess was "how is this going to affect you/us" discussion to feel better about it. Since I didn't get that, I'm a little resentful. I feel that he just doesn't give a s*** whether I'm okay with it or not, because he'll do what he wants and that's that.
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:58 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Taylor View Post
Another guy here and agree with above poster.

You say there have been problems for a year, maybe these are clouding your perspective.

it sounds like a job where camping out, either as part of the job or as training, is part of the job. Did he trust you when you were a flight attendant and away from home?
He was very nervous about it a lot. He would say "who's that in the background" all the time and it was usually the airport PA or my hotel TV. He dealt with it really well and only freaked out when I couldn't get home. But one of the way he dealt with worrying was to cheat

I totally agree that those problems ARE clouding my perspective! So true. So hard to ignore!

Thanks for your view.
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Old 07-23-2010, 02:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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"He doesn't ask how I FEEL about a situation. Even though I realize he HAS to do some things for work.. he doesn't ask how I FEEL and then goes and does it (whatever it is) without my opinion or discussion (that's what we are continually working on.. we are really good at it sometimes and other times, he lays down and doesn't talk no matter what). That makes me feel like he doesn't care what I think or feel. Maybe he knows how I feel, but would rather not discuss it and just do what he wants.. does that make sense?"

Men don't read our minds - its not like he's avoiding it just didn't probably think about it. So what you need to do is stop waiting on him to ask you and getting mad because he doesn't and just say look the reason I'm having an issue with this is 'XYZ' and do it a non accusatory tone. He may not be able to fix the issue, but he can listen and affirm the way you feel.
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Old 07-23-2010, 02:10 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband on camping trip with 2 women

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I have traveled with men many many times, married and not. Shticking a colleague is considered a career limiting move. So I never did. Not to mention that i am trustworthy, taking my marriage vows rather seriously. Dh trusts me.

Work is work. If you are lucky enough to have a job that pays the bills in this economy, then count your blessings.

If you have problems in your marriage it is not the traveling arrangements that are the problem.

S
It's certainly not career limiting in the airline industry! Although, I never cheated myself.. many of the married crew I worked with were on the prowl! Although I have to say I met quite a few really nice married guys (and women) that were the opposite.

You're absolutely right. It's not about the travel arrangements! The problems have been here.
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