Well. I could make a very long post about what I'm feeling but I am going to use a discussion from today as an example.
We sat down after she paid the bills to go over our finances. She has been making this spreadsheet where she has split everything and takes amounts out of each of our 'half' of the money. She doesn't want me to have my own account and I have never really cared one way or the other but she starts telling me how stressed she gets having to do all the work of taking out amounts from what we each have in the account and then states that when I ask her about money (mind you, I never see the statements or know exactly how much is in the account), that I am distrusting her. I can literally count on one hand how many times I have asked her about something specific money wise since we have been married (1.5 years...my second, her fourth...yeah, yeah...lets not go there).
I told her point blank today that I don't need a spreadsheet telling me how much is left of mine and how much is left of hers. I have always believed and still do that everything is OURS. I tried to reassure her that when I ask something its not because I dont trust her, its just because I want to know...so in the end I tell her I don't need the seperate spreadsheets and that Im sorry if when I ask her something it makes her feel like I distrust her...it gets to the point in these disagreements that I forget most of what is said but the bottom line was that I told her if it stresses her out to do it dont do it anymore....so after a 30 minute discussion she says..."Im just going to keep doing it this way" So I ask her, why bring it up then...you tell me it stresses you out and that you feel like I distrust you...so I tell you its NOT that I distrust you its just that I want to know and that I never wanted the separate everything plan in the first place...she says she does it because she doesnt want to hear any questions...that this way I cant think that she is hiding something from me...I have NEVER accused her of hiding things from me...does this mean she IS hiding things from me?....Im SOOO confused...HELP
I wouldn't neccessarily think she is hiding something from you unless there are money troubles and she is spending a lot on something you may not agree with. She could just be someone who wants to control the finances as in bills etc, I dont understand why she wouldn't want you to have an account though that is a little on the controlling end of things, If she is looking after bills etc and keeping things moving fine, not letting you have control of your own money, not good
Why not just have her let you see the bank statments...or better yet - most banks have this - login to online banking. That way she doesn't have to keep spreadsheets. Its pretty easy to see who spent what - everything is labeled. It is 'our' money when your married - what is the point of the 2 halves anyway - that part doesn't make sense to me since it is one account.
Maybe it isn't that great with money and by you questioning her, she is worried about critisizm.
I wish my hubby would take over bills,but he bounced checks years ago, so I don't trust him with writing out bills. Yet, I never have been great with managing money myself so when he says, hey let me see them. It isn't what I am hiding, I am worried he is going to tell me I have done everything wrong.
We do have everything online and he is welcome to check the account. You can easily check the account online and she would not know. This way it doesn't hurt her feelings and it will calm your fears.
that this way I cant think that she is hiding something from me...I have NEVER accused her of hiding things from me...does this mean she IS hiding things from me?....Im SOOO confused...HELP
it doesnt necessarily mean she's hiding something from you. it could, but it could mean someone in the past hide things from her. it sounds like in some other relationship there was a lot of lying. It could also mean she's hiding something though. These are all ambiguous theories. Here's something that is not ambiguous: you dont trust each other. where there's no trust, there's no love. your relationship sounds really stressful with a lot of mixed signals flying around.
Originally Posted by quinntin
She doesn't want me to have my own account and I have never really cared one way or the other but she starts telling me how stressed she gets having to do all the work of taking out amounts from what we each have in the account and then states that when I ask her about money (mind you, I never see the statements or know exactly how much is in the account), that I am distrusting her.
This statement sums it up for me. You are apathetic about what seems extremely important to her. probably hurts her. you're also not understanding what she's saying to you- by no fault of your own. she's giving a lot of mixed signals. What i read here is that she really wants your feedback about how stressed she is, she wants you more involved, but NOT about the money directly.
If you are confused- dont worry. im pretty sure anyone would be in your situation. just keep in mind she's not really talking about money and spreadsheets. she's trying to love you the only way she knows how.
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I think the question you need to be asking yourself is what were the main causes of her first three marriages ending in divorce? Unfortunately, not all the time do people actually change for the better after failed relationships and she still may be holding some type of grudge or living a certain way because a previous partner insisted that she do it that way. I think that's what needs to be looked at here, not what could she be hiding from me. I think she may be stuck in some learned behavior or routine that was extremely important for her to maintain in a previous relationship. Either that or she simply wants for you to always know that she is paying her fair share of the bills because she could have an ex that insisted that everything be split 50/50 and didn't have the same "what's mine is yours" mentality that you do now. It could be a number of things, but you should definitely approach her with loving patience to really get to the bottom of it. I seriously believe it's a great possibility it's due to her past and what she either had to do, or didn't do then and may feel is fair now and feels like she has something to prove in some way. Talking to her is the only way you'll find out. Good luck!
it really sounds to me like its something from her past.
I know I still have quirks from my ex, and he was 5-6 years ago, mine aren't money related, my husband can't be trusted with anything involving our money, mine are looks related.
My ex spent every minute discussing how I would look better, discussed me down to 108lbs and red hair. (not a good look for me I might add) I still dwell on my physical appearance and still ask constantly if I'm acceptable looking to my husband.
while its all speculation at this point, her reactions sound like she's worried you're not going to be happy with what she's putting forth, and she's trying make sure you're okay with her efforts. IT also sounds like she's experienced distrust previously too, which was one of my issues in my previous relationship from him, I've just found different ways to deal with it.
I agree with talking to her about it, maybe even open it up with an honest story of something one of your exs did, and how its caused a behavior, even if its putting down the toilet seat to ease tension.