greeneyeddolphin

My boyfriend claimed the other day that I'm clingy. I can admit to being insecure, my relationship history causes that, and it's nothing to do with him. I know that that is my problem to deal with, and I'm working on that. I disagree that I'm clingy, but I also know that sometimes we refuse to see things for what they are, so in the interest of trying to work things out, I'm going to stop disagreeing, and assume here for a moment, that I am clingy.

How do I stop doing that? His examples of me being clingy are a claim that I follow him when he goes out to smoke (which we already discussed and have resolved and he admits that I don't), he claims that I panic if I don't hear from him and send him tons of texts or leave tons of messages, which I can prove from my phone bill that I don't. I will text him once, just to tell him I love him or remind him of something he needs to do, but I do not repetitively text or call him.

Again, I can admit I am insecure. And yes, if I go a couple of days without hearing from him, I do start to wonder why, and I don't think that's so unusual, given the problems we're having right now.

Again, I don't really feel I'm clingy, but I'm trying to see this from his point of view. I'm trying to figure out how we can both get what we need out of this relationship. And, just so you don't think this is all onesided, he's doing the same thing. He's looking at what he's told me and trying to figure out where maybe he's not being clear in his expectations, or where he's taking something small and blowing it into something big (example: I went out with him when he smoked once, and it became everytime in his head). So, we are both working on this, and trying to see from the other's side.

So, I'm trying to figure out, if I am too clingy, how would I change that? What could I do to stop?

Wisp

Do not change anything, behave as normal, it will improve with time as you become more secure. If you do feel clingy, just hug him and say it just feels good to hold him.

Willow

We have similar issues here, I often feel insecure, some of that is due to my H's recent behaviour but I know there is a proportion of my experiences in previous relationships projecting onto current situations.

My H does not tolerate needy or clingy at all. So we have a fair few flashpoints around this.

There are a couple of areas I'm starting to work on which seem to be showing some benefits. Still babysteps here but worth considering.

Firstly I looked at when we were most likely to clash. Most likely was when he arrived home, I learned to recognise that he needs space, that he needs a transitional time where I am not 'in his face'. Also however is when he's getting ready to go out, less irritating but still there.

Secondly I looked at how my own needs and behaviours were contributing to this. I've been looking at my own Love Languages, and have read the His Needs, Her Needs book. Understanding that my 'needy' behaviour comes from my own needs in the relationship, rather than being some wacky element of my personality, helps me stay grounded. Also seeing that his Love Language is different rather than not there stops my insecurity festering into something bigger. The more I understand what it is that I need, the more I am able to cope when I don't get those needs met. I don't even know if that makes sense! Definitely something in it all regarding knowledge giving you power.

My H works long hours, travels alot. His communication with me when he's away is erratic and brief. I used to feel a bit neglected in that, but I am realising more and more that he doesn't communicate because when he's away he's focussing on his goals and he knows I am keeping everything going here, so he doesn't need to check up on me all the time. Before I contact him I pause and think 'Is this really necessary or is this an inappropriate time'? I know that some people will read this and wonder how you can have a relationship but need to do this, I see it as part of dealing with the specific nature of the man I married. Not saying its ideal, its not where I'd like to be, but I am making progress.

I think the fact that you are both communicating is good, and shows real hope. How about next time you are in 'communicate' mode, mixing things up a bit and focus on telling each other what you do like, what does work for you both, then you can both focus on doing those things.