*She has an Emotional Wall - Help!!!!!!
I live with my wife of 11 years but I been living together with her since I was 18 and she was 16, basically we had no single life. I’m now 30 and she is going to be 28, we have two boys a 3year old and a 6 year old. She has been a stay home mom for the past 6 years. So I lot of the problems had to do with her feeling like she has done nothing with her life.
In April of 2009 she started to talk to me about maybe she does not love me like she used to, couples do things over the years that make that great love disappear, we are no different. So since then I started to feel very insecure because she was hinting not being together I felt horrible even suicidal at one point. In May of that same year a female co-worker and I started to have a friendship, she had a boyfriend and it was not going to be more then that, but I made the mistake of hiding and deny my friendship when my wife asked me if I had anything to do with this girl, so when she look in my phone log which she had never done, it was clear that I was talking to this girl…even if it was nothing, it basically helped her lose my trust. This was basically like the push she need it to leave me, even if I was not cheating….
I feel like even if this had not happen, something else would. She was headed this way. In her mind, she probably thinks I was ready to cheat on her with this girl. So finally in November of 2009 she broke up with me, December I continue to live together, trying to be the perfect guy, which it didn’t work. It only pushed her further, and it was mentally tortured for me to see her go out. Then I finally could not take it anymore and I moved to my parents house, which is only a few blocks from our house…..I did my share of text messaging terrorism as some people might call it, LOL, I did all of the “I love you” letters that you can think of, talked to her parents about how hurt I was, and how all I want is to make her happy, but his did not go well with my ex…….did all the drunk texting, all she felt as if I was trying to impose my love upon her.
We continue to have sex with each other basically every week until now, except for a period march, for about 3 weeks and that’s because she met someone in January and I guess final started to sleep with him around this time.
Then, she decided that she did miss her family, as far as us and the kids doing things together, she cut communication with this guy.
She never asked me to come back to our house or that she wanted to be back together at this time, but she did see a possibility down the road (years) somehow one day we had a huge fight, it almost got physical and I told her so many bad things about her sleeping with somebody else, and how can she have done that even if we were not together. (we only had been sexually with each other, so it was hard on me when she did go elsewhere for that) By the way, sex between me an her is not a problem a all, we have so much chemistry in that department.
That night we both felt emotional drained, we cried and end it up sleeping together at our house. Something felt so good about comforting each other, no sex involved…I mean I would have done it but I know she did not want that at the time, just wanted to feel comforted….. Somehow since then I have been staying home for the past two month, basically acting as if we are together when we are not and it’s been great, my boys have really been happy and her too but about a week ago, she talked to me and said she feels like she can’t play house with me anymore, she still feels the same as she did in November, she needs her space and she never asked to be back together….so now I feel like I’m back to square one…..I did go out and met some girls for a period of a month when she was messing with this guy, I could have actually had sex with somebody else but I didn’t want to, I feel like if there is a chance of us being back together then I don’t want to have any more obstacles then we already have.
I know how much it has hurt to know about her being with that guy, I just didn’t want to go there myself. I don’t lack self-esteem or confidence as a matter of fact, there were a couple of females that wanted to sleep with me, but I won’t do it. I know exactly what I want out of life and I want my kids to have a real home with their mom and dad. I love her and as a women she is all I need, our sex life is great, I was with her sexually Saturday, and about 8 times last month, so she is everything I want, I just need to know how to get her back emotionally, physically is not the problem. We go out all the time, having fun together is not the problem earthier.
She has said, “how can I know if I can miss you if you been there all this time”, this is my struggle, I live with her and how can I give her space? I take the kids away by myself sometimes and let her be alone because she needs it. Staying home with my boys is a lot of work, they are a handfull and never get tired. My nature is to give her everything, love, money and special treatment….I know this will not bring her back. Woman and men are more interested in what they can’t have.
I’m the only one that works so that’s another issue, I can’t afford two places. One for her and the kids and one for me. We chose for her to stay home and raise our kids, and it has paid off, our kids are doing great in school. So how can I live at home, and see her live and act as a single women even if she when I’m in love with her and not feel jealous and also not go crazy mentally at the situation. People tell me that she is no longer my responsibility and that she needs to get a job, well there are not many jobs available at this time and I also don’t want my kids in daycare. So that’s my dilemma, how can I give her space and make her miss me when I live there? I don’t want to get over her, I want to do whatever it takes to have our relationship back, in many ways are relationship is better already, we communicate much better, we are more understanding of each other….all I’m missing is her commitment.
She does not want to try anything, does not want to work at a relationship. We been best friedns for most of our lives, so even without the kids it's hard on her and me not to be in good terms, we need to. But she has told me that she feels good about having control of her emotions and that's why she keeps putting up her wall, to be safe.
It hurt’s to see her putting up her emotional wall whenever she seems like she is feeling some desire to be connected again, she fights it. I know she wants to keep control of her feelings and I understand her why, I know what it feels like when someone has so much influence in your feeling, everything they do affects you; good and bad. So I get it, her just wanting to be “OK” but life is not about being ok is about living it to the FULLEST and for there to be love, we always have to give a little bit of our emotional feelings to the other person, now I see that giving all of your emotions to another person is not healthy, so I’m working on myself to learn how to manage my love and emotions. So I can keep my sanity but still get these beautiful feelings I feel for her, is so crazy that after 18 years of falling in love with her she still takes my breath away with a simple look. I don’t want to lose that but not sure how I can’t lose them if I keep hurting myself inside my accepting only what she decides to give me of herself.