I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!
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Old 08-11-2010, 09:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

I just need to get this out and see what people think. I've been living with my bf for over a year. We discussed marriage before moving in together, and we often talk about our wedding (he initiates these conversations). In January I found the ring I've always dreamt of and it was on sale for an unbelievably cheap price. I talked my honey into buying it for me, arguing that he'd be glad that he had gotten such a great price when he was ready to pop the question. Since then he's packed it for a trip we took to California and nothing happened... We've talked about it he knows I'm losing patience. I've told him I don't expect to get married next week but that ring has been in my closet for 7 months and I want to finally be able to call him my fiance! After he saw my distress he called my parents and asked for thier blessing, they gave it and he did nothing. My birthday is coming up and he went over his plans for the day with by friend. Knowing I was desperatly hoping he'd finally give me the ring for my birthday my friend let me know that while he has a good plan for my birthday he does not plan to pop the question that day. I've tried to be patient, I've tried to act like I didn't really care. Now I just want to cry all the time. To be clear, I was aware that I kind of backed him into a corner at the ring sale and I did my best not to pressure him. On the return flight from California he said he'd planned on proprosing at a fireworks show that was cancelled, before that I'd never mentioned the ring after it was purchased. When we were talking about a trip to Vegas he said that he had a plan for proposing to me there only after it became clear that we couldn't afford it. I only really started getting crazy the last couple of weeks. I keep telling him I don't want to wait for some big over the top thing if it means waiting much longer, I'd be happy if he asked me at home, in bed. He insists it should be perfect, but maybe he's really only stringing me along. What to I do?

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Old 08-11-2010, 09:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

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I did my best not to pressure him.
Huh? I mean.....HUH?
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Old 08-11-2010, 10:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

Sorry, but I agree with Susan. Here is what you do:
1) drop it.
2) TRUST that he will pop the q to you at some point and LET HIM come up with his proposal plan!
3)set an internal deadline...I don't know how long you have been withhim, but say that he doesn't propose by next February. Maybe at that point you will tell him that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, but if he doesn't feel the same, you are prepared to part ways and live your life without him. Tell him you need some time to think about what you want to do.
4)are you afraid to lose him? Is that why you are so desperate for him to propose?
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Old 08-11-2010, 11:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

Missbliss, I will be VERY blunt here. You talked your bf into buying that ring. You mentioned that he got a great price. What price would that be?.....being pressured into something he wasn't ready to do at that point. You then emotionally manipulated him into asking your parents for permission to marry you. After a little while and no ring being presented to you, you break down, "cry all the the time" and admit that you backed him in to a corner. What exactly about this scenario sounds romantic to you? So you want to "win" this man by breaking him down? A man proposes on his own timetable and his own terms. You "don't want to wait" and will basically accept whatever proposal he gives you. Are you dying? Do you have a terminal illness? Why on Earth would you be so desperate for some overpriced stone that you bullied him in to buying in the first place?
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Old 08-12-2010, 07:04 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

You say you did your best not to pressure him..I hate to think what you'd be like if you were *trying* to pressure him. You pressured him to buy a ring, you pressured him to get your parents blessing, you're always telling him you want him to do it, you don't care when, where, or how.

Maybe the when, where, or how is a little more important to him. Perhaps he's like me, and a lot of other people, and plans to only get married once (or one more time, if that's the case). And if he only plans to marry once, he probably wants everything to be as special and romantic and wonderful as possible, since he'll never get another chance to try. And maybe he wants you to have the most special, romantic, and wonderful proposal as possible, since you'll never get another one, and he loves you, and he knows that if you weren't so desperate, that would matter to you, too.

I get that whole "I'm in love and I want to move forward" thing; I really do. I love my boyfriend to death, and yes, I want to marry him and all that, too. But I want him to ask me because HE wants to, because HE loves me that much, because HE wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't want him to ask me because I pressured him to, because I gave him an ultimatum, because I told him it would be a good idea or it was time or anything else like that. We've talked about our wedding, too. We talk about our future as a foregone conclusion, so the assumption is there that we *will* get married one day. That is security enough for me until he's ready to ask me. If he suddenly stops thinking of the future as a given, or if I reach a point where we've been together 10 years or something, then I may ask him if he plans to ask him, but I would never pressure him.

You need to back off. Admit to him that you've been pressuring him, and trying to manipulate him into asking you, and say you're sorry. Then leave it alone. Don't bring it up. At all. Let it go. Once the pressure is off, he'll begin thinking about it on his own. Then, he'll propose when he's ready.

And if you need more persuasion, consider this...you continue to pressure, badger, and manipulate him until he finally admits defeat and asks you to marry him. You say yes, you get married. And then, in every fight you have for the rest of your life, at some point, he throws out, "I only married you because you forced me!" or "I wish I'd never proposed!". Yes, he could say it anyway, but if you pressure him, then when he says it, you'll be plagued with doubts that it might actually be true. Do you really want that?
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Old 08-12-2010, 08:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

You completely pressured that man every single way possible about the marriage and ring. You really are gonna have to back off of him, and maybe even think about apologizing for pushing him into some of it. Like truckersgirl said, you want him to propose because HE wants to be with you, not because you want him to.

I do think its time you sit down and come up with some boundaries together, to prevent you from trying to bully him in any other aspects of life too.
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Old 08-12-2010, 09:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

missbliss,

I agree that you have pressured him. I also agree with Vertigo that you should set an internal clock in terms of how long do you wait. I will say that you should not give him an ultimatum. You have expressed that you want him to marry you. He knows that. Set your timetable (i.e. if he does not propose by *** then I am going to get on with my life). I say that you should not give him an ultimatum or even tell him that he has a until a given date because he will most likely feel like you are twisting his arm. He might even fold and propose but do you really want to have to put a gun to his head for this to happen???

I will also give you some insight. I am not saying that this is true for all men but, as a man, this is what I have observed. When a man brings up marriage but does not really advance things, it's usually because he is still shopping to see what's out there. No, I am not saying that he is cheating or actively trying to cheat. However, he is probably doing a little once over of the landscape before committing to marriage. He might be bringing it up and dragging his feet because he knows that you want to be married and him bringing it up and having the conversation with you keeps you in play until he can decide. In my experience, when a man is resolute about making a woman his wife, he makes it happen. I have know men who were broke but told their ladies, "Look, I don't have money for a ring but you're who I want to be with and I want to marry you." And, they went out and found a ring together (which is another thread topic).

I really hope that this does work out for you and that he proposes because he truly wants to. In the meantime, take a step back and let him do what he should do, which is man-up and propose. Good luck.
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Old 08-12-2010, 12:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

Well, now that everyone has given you reason to set your internal clock to next Thursday, you are going to find a way to apply even more pressure than you already have. Twisting his arm......OFF......sounds really good to you right now, doesn't it. I believe in asking for what you want, but you have taken this whole engagement thing way off the charts, and it is ridiculous. So, when you walk out the door in order to compel/make/push/FORCE him to propose to you, the decent thing to do is say no.

If, in fact, you moved in with him under the impression that the two of you would get married - and I mean he gave you that impression and not that you unilaterally decided it - then it is time for you to set some standards and boundaries, as others have suggested. If he has not proposed by a certain time, then you have to have a plan for your life and leave. But you leave for that reason and not for the purpose of forcing him into a sudden change of heart that is prompted and pressured by the thought of losing you. I would propose to you under those conditions. Anyone would.

He clearly does not want to propose, so why would you be so desperate to force a man into marriage? I seriously think the main reason he has dragged his feet is he doesn't like the pressure. No one wants to feel like they are being controlled. He feels you are controlling him by applying so much pressure, and this possibly is not the only area in your relationship he feels that way. Naturally, he wanted HIS proposal to be HIS idea. This was never a situation for you to add your two cents or for you to MAKE him buy that ring. You should have already had that deadline date set in your mind. Since you didn't, the last thing you should do is pressure him just because he isn't doing it fast enough for you. So when he proposes because you left him, be decent about it and let him know you are aware he obviously did not want to marry you, and he's only proposing out of desperation and hurt feelings. Then give him 5 or 6 months to make up his own mind.
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Old 08-12-2010, 07:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

Whether u were pushy or not doesn't matter. If your bf felt "pressured" to do anything, it is HIS fault. He is his own person and no one can MAKE him feel pressured...in the end he does that to himself. Sry u r stuck.
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Old 08-12-2010, 10:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

Yes, you did pressure him and that was not a good decision. BUT I find it strange that so many people think that this kind of "pressure" is such a horrible, horrible thing. It was not like you stole his credit card and bought the ring for yourself, or kidnapped him and took him to your parents house to ask their blessing. HE did those things of his own volition, which means that either 1. he's letting himself be dragged along because he has no spine or 2. he's on the same page as you and wants to get married but is waiting for the right time. He is an ADULT and is capable of making his own decisions.

If you apologize for backing him into a corner, give him some space, and tell him that you understand if he needs to wait until HE feels ready, then this will definitely help the situation. I don't know that telling him your cut-off time now is a good idea. If you say, "propose by March 17 or I'll leave," then you're really saying, "I want things my way and I don't want to wait for you." That's not a good way to start off the rest of your lives together.

I feel bad for you though, as a close friend of mine got into a similar situation. Her ex ended up proposing, and then just months later broke off the engagement, probably because he felt too rushed. To be honest, if I were the guy I wouldn't respect myself that much--ultimately, he CHOSE to let himself get pushed into something he wasn't ready for. Your boyfriend seems to have more of a backbone by not proposing exactly when you want, and that's a GOOD thing! He will ask when he's ready, and if you back off a little, it shows that you have enough respect for yourself and him not to interfere with his plans.
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Old 08-15-2010, 08:23 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

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Call me old fashioned, but you already moved in with him and he has all the privileges of being married to you already. Not a lot of incentive for him to pop the question.

Like grandma used to say:

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free."
My thoughts exactly. He has zero incentive to marry you & accecpt the responsibility of a marriage when he can have all the perks of marrige w/out all the hassle.
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Old 10-15-2012, 05:51 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

I have a very similar issue... I moved in with my bf in Jun 2012 and we bought rings together in august.... we were originally planning before tax season next year but he still hasn't asked me to marry him... i love him more than anything... he says he wants to do it right.... all I can say is he will ask when he is ready... I know that the man I am with isn't quite ready yet and I am respecting his wishes.... I do tend to get a little impatient with it but I am learning to control it.... I know that his goal is to marry me but it will take time....
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Old 10-15-2012, 10:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

might want to let this thread die...it's over 2 years old.
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Old 10-16-2012, 09:32 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

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Originally Posted by missbliss View Post
In January I found the ring I've always dreamt of and it was on sale for an unbelievably cheap price. I talked my honey into buying it for me, arguing that he'd be glad that he had gotten such a great price when he was ready to pop the question.

To be clear, I was aware that I kind of backed him into a corner at the ring sale and I did my best not to pressure him.


You do realize the irony of those statements, right? You don't want to pressure him yet you told him to buy you an engagement ring "arguing" that it was on sale for cheap. That you "backed him into a corner" but did your best "not to pressure him."

What?

Look, this is really simple: if a man wants to propose to you, he will.

Whether it's because the moment isn't right or he's waiting for a better time to propose; whether he feels pressured and is having doubts; whether he simply isn't ready to get married--all of those could be a possibility but the fact remains--he hasn't done it yet because he has not wanted to.

Repeat that over and over to yourself.

And word to the wise: nothing makes a man run for cover like putting pressure on him. By yoru own admission you've "argued, acted crazy" and done many other things. Do you really want a proposal that happens because you "pressured" and "argued" it into happening?

Just because you get an engagement ring on your finger doesn't make everything magically better in a relationship. Just cause you have a wedding doesn't mean your relationship is good, etc. But now I am going off topic...

If you really want to be engaged, sit him down and tell him. Ask him where he sees your relationship going. If he says he's not sure, then you have your answer. Don't waste more of your time. If he says he wants to be with marry you, then you are going to have to wait for that proposal, my dear. Just know that pressuring anyone for anything is a counter-effect.
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Old 10-16-2012, 09:32 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have the man, the ring, but no proposal!

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might want to let this thread die...it's over 2 years old.
Oops! LOL
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