Moongazer

I could really do with some good advice before I go crazy!

I am in my mid forties, married with grown up children, but at a point where I don't feel I am myself anymore.

I have already been through an early menopause, so I know it isn't that.

I have been faithful to my husband, although we married very young, and for most of my life, I have been controlled by him, he has always been very insecure, self opinionated, and for an easy life I just went along with it all.

Through the years he has put me down, disrespected me in front of the children and friends and family. I have always made excuses for him and made out that he was joking to save my own embarassment.

I have never felt that we have 'made love' as he has always demanded that I dress up for him, do things which I have never been comfortable with, etc, and sulked and made me feel inadequate for days if I didn't conform.
I know I have been stupid for going along with it but I suppose it has something to do with me being young and naive when we met(he had had a lot of previous partners)

I long to feel actual passion, closeness, intimacy and proper love but it just doesn't feel llike this with him.

However, since my menopause ended I have become more assertive.I's as though a new woman has emerged.

My husband can't stand it, but I don't care anymore as I feel that I have missed out on being myself with my own personality all my life.

He is a good provider, and we have a lovely home(I have always worked hard as well) He does seem to be mellowing as he gets older, but I appear to be emerging as a different person.
I do feel that I could live with things the way they are, as long as I can have my own independence from now on.

My problem is, that I have over the last year, become very attracted to a co-worker of mine. I know he is attracted to me also,but we are not at an emotional level at all, we don't talk about our marriages. In fact we just seem to make small talk most of the time.

He is around me constantly, and if he isn't, I feel lost.

If I am not around him, he comes looking for me.

There have been a lot of serious moments when we lock eyes, neither of us can move, and we are totally oblivious that there are other people in the room. We are constantly touching each other casually, and it feels like electric.

I can't understand myself, I mean, What the hell is wrong with me??

We have not even discussed it together, but I feel that should the opportunity arise, I won't be able to stop myself from taking it further.

We don't even communicate outside of work at all.

I can't stop these feelings, I have tried avoiding him, avoiding his gaze, etc, and sometimes I actually feel that he is just playing with my feelings (he is also friendly with other women, and playfully flirts with one or two of them) But this may just be jealousy on my part (or a mid life crisis on his).

I have tried telling myself that if he had feelings for me he would have said by now, and yet I just kinda know that he does, I can't explain it.

I do have a good social life, and I have had many opportunities in the past with other men, but never wanted to take them.

I have always said I would leave one before having another, but I am at the point where I could quite happily have a long standing affair with this guy for the closeness and intimacy which I so desperately need and want.

It just seems to be this one particular guy, as we have so much in common.

I know I am going down a slippery slope with this, BUT I have a picture of him in my head that will just not go away.

Apart from leaving my job, which I will not do, please can I have some advice on how to remove him from my head.

I don't know if I am just craving the excitement and being around him is intensifying my feelings.

At one point I actually felt infatuated by him, but that has calmed down a bit now.

Susan2010

Liking that guy is not the problem. The problem is your marriage and the way your husband treats you. Do something about that before projecting your needs on others. Either find a way to fix your marriage, or leave. My first thought is to suggest a woman leave an abusive relationship, but you said you are willing to stay, so stay and fix it to have your needs met. Start by going to marriagebuilders.com and print out two copies of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. You and your husband each fill one out and review the answers together. You stop doing the things that he dislikes, and he is to stop doing the things that you dislike. The next step is to read the various articles on the site, such as The Most Important Emotional Needs and The Love Bank. That is enough to get you started, but there are other articles and books to read that will help.

In the meanwhile, seek marriage counseling for the both of you so you learn how to communicate and respect. Also arrange for personal counseling for yourself so you understand yourself better and discover why you did and continue to be in an abusive marriage.

Moongazer

Thank you both for your replies and advice.

I know you are both absolutley right in what you say, and I have already started to try to put things right at home.

As I say, I think my attention from this other guy has fuelled feelings of passion in me simply because I don't feel loved, appreciated or important at home.

I know my husband loves me in his own way, but discussing our dislikes of each other doesn't seem to work.

He dislike that I don't want to carry on being a sex toy for him, he dislikes that I have emerged a bit more independent, and ready to say no. He dislikes that other people find me attractive, and he dislikes the fact that I will no longer go along with the things he wants from me when they make him feel better but not me.

Of course I dislike that he dislikes all of the above!

I am sure I have changed over the last few years and he must find that hard to come to terms with as well!

As I say, he is mellowing as he gets older, but I'm not sure if, unless he keeps this up, that I can stay and be truly happy. That is something I will have to work out for myself.

As for the other guy, I do know that you are absolutely right.

I know I have moved on a bit from the feelings of infatuation, to noticing other things about thim which make me see a red flag.

He has recently started to mention little things about his wife, which lead me to beleive he is not totallly happy at home, and I am feeling/sensing that he is hinting a little to take things further.

I have come to the conclusion that I would not be able to go there with him, simply because I would not feel exclusive to his attentions for the right reasons.

It is a very difficult situation to be in, especially when you love your work, there is no other work like mine in my town, and so I will not give up my job, it is one of the things which gives me my new found independence.

Just being able to talk about it and receive advice does help immensely! Having a 'push' in the right direction makes a big difference to how I feel, knowing it happens out there to other people also helps.

Telling myself that this other guy is just out for lots of attention is the thing I am trying to concentrate on, but of course it is hard when you have built up feelings for someone that you haven't felt for a long time.

I am trying to tell myself to just enjoy the attention for what it is, and leave it at that.
A nudge in the right direction would be great from you !!!