Can we let go of our past

Sharpie · 07-01-2008, 04:07 AM

My husband and I have been together for over seven years now. Our relationship in my opinon has never been great. We have been going through cheating , lying, horrible finances and sex issues. (I could tell the whole story but its very long...)

We have gotten to a point in our relationship where its either we make it work or make it work as divorced parents.

Is it possible to just let go of the past differences and start a new future? Is it sometimes too hard to deal with whats happened in the past and ok to just close the door on it?
Thats how I feel. I dont think my husband and I can resolve what has happened. I feel as though we need to start new so we can have a future together.
Or am I just making it harder?

BlueCreek · 07-01-2008, 01:56 PM

It can be too hard to deal with the past, and sometimes a divorce really is the solution. At the same time, it is possible to resurrect a marriage out of nothing and create love again where none seems to exist anymore. The question comes down to whether you and your husband believe it is possible. If you believe it is, if you both believe you can let go of the past and discover love for each other again, the only thing stopping you, is you.

A lot of times people are told the need to really analyze the past in fine detail to find out where things go wrong, a good exercise in making sure it doesn't happen again. But the only chance when starting over from scratch is to completely let go of the past. Forgiveness can be a decision you make. It is the hardest thing to do, making that decision that nothing about yesterday matters any more, but it is necessary.

Either path you chose, starting a new life together or one apart will be difficult and long, but it won't be any rougher than the road you're leaving behind.

michzz · 07-01-2008, 04:02 PM

it depends on who was cheating, for how long, and the kinds of lies said, and for how long the lying went on too.

it also depends whomever did the most offending, the cheating, on their stepping up big time to make things right. The betrayed person has to find it in their heart to move past the awfulness. That won't happen without complete candor by the one who cheated.

All the other problems can be dealt with once the huge one is dealt with.

justean · 07-01-2008, 04:37 PM

i agree with both above parties.
there is unfortunately more to n e story .
but you can resurrect a marriage and you can love again.
it depends if you both want it.
but forgiveness is important, although you wont forget and you emotions will still get in a spin at times.
you can make it.

draconis · 07-01-2008, 08:46 PM

From time to time the tree of liberty needs to be pruned. It is a great saying and can be applied to anything really including marriage. you have baggage to be sure but unless you can get back the love, trust and communication then the relationship is dead. Many people will tell you that there relationships have had ups and downs. It takes many more good days to erase the bad days. He has to truely be on board for anything to work well.

So it is a matter if both of you are on the same page.

draconis

Dancing Nancie · 07-02-2008, 12:19 PM

I would be the husband referred to here. I cheated on my wife (girlfriend at the time) 4 years ago. I thought then that there should have been more time spent on this issue. It has become more apparent to me now that we didn't spend nearly enough time expressing our thoughts and feelings about it. I feel as though I have proved over time, that I would not cheat on her again. I have been faithful since, and have no desire to let her down again. I have taken my marriage vows very seriously.

So we are here and now. We have since gotten married, had our second child, and bought our first house. I feel as though our current problems are rooted in our inability to communicate our frustrations properly. Neither of us feel comfortable telling the other when we have feelings of anger or frustrations. When we do, it turns into a fight where things from the past are brought in to defend a current position. Which I think we both would admit gets us nowhere.

I come from an abused background from drug addicts, and have spent a lot of time in therapy. So my natural response to problems is to talk it out. She comes from Midwest background, and would prefer to keep things inside. I feel as though we need to come to a common ground here. I probably try and talk too much, and she probably keeps her feelings a little too close to the vest.

I agree with bluecreek in her assessment that either road we take is going to be a long and difficult path. I think that neither my wife nor I are sure which is the best course to take to start the journey. I am pretty sure neither of us want a divorse, but we need to figure out how to make it work.

draconis · 07-02-2008, 04:57 PM

Well the easy answer is don't argue because you are going to say hurtful things you really don't mean. The hard part is to deliver it. One way I found was to take a 5-10 minute break if it got to heated so those things were never said. If that doesn't work try typing it out because you can look and review before sending it out and it is there, and no one wants to be reminded of what they said to be mean. Tape record yourself if need be. It seems you both want the same thing so fight together for it.

draconis

justean · 07-05-2008, 06:03 AM

my husband used to have aggressive tendencies (not physical) and mood swings.
he looked on the net before he sought advice. but what had helped at the time was we bought small note books.
we both wrote down issues with eachother and swopped notes at the end of the week.
so we listened though different means.
it worked for a short while. he and i did improve. but things do go back at times. then you search different means.
which was for us my hubby behaviour - went to see our dr and diagnosed with depression and now on medication - so thats our other different means. either way 13 years of that man is now a changed man.

Sharpie · 07-06-2008, 12:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michzz

it depends on who was cheating, for how long, and the kinds of lies said, and for how long the lying went on too.

it also depends whomever did the most offending, the cheating, on their stepping up big time to make things right. The betrayed person has to find it in their heart to move past the awfulness. That won't happen without complete candor by the one who cheated.

All the other problems can be dealt with once the huge one is dealt with.

I think if all we had to deal with was cheating I dont think it would be so hard to forgive and move on with our lives. I have to say that its the financial issues that has been the most difficult for me.
When I was pregnant with our daughter I had to go on bedrest for 4 months. I am self employed and the bread winner in our family. My husband was working for a good company but could not support us and all our bills on his income alone.

I believe the stress of taking care of the house, our son and working was too much for him and during the last month of my pregnancy he took a leave from work. Being pregnant my emotions were all over the place. I was happy to have him home because I was lonely. I was scared because we didnt have a savings and I didnt know how the bills were getting paid. And I felt useless. I couldnt work to take care of our household, I couldnt play with our son. Needless to say I got depressed. But on the other side if my husband had not stopped working we would not have been able to get food stamps, state medical and a tanf of 1400 dollars.

I felt very abandonded by my husband because he couldnt work and handle the house for what I thought was a very small amout of time. But I try and look at the other side of things and know that if he hadnt stopped working we wouldnt have gotten the help we needed.
I went back to work 2 weeks after we had our daughter and I thought I had gotten things cleared up fairly quickly. (My husband stayed home to be with the kids because I make much more than him.)
I found out that he had not made a house payment. This is where I feel very lied to. I know he hid the fact that he didnt make the house payment to keep me from stressing out. But if he had just come to me and talked about it I feel we could have figured out a way to pay it. Now instead of being able to get to know my new baby girl I was overloaded with stress from the bills. And forced to work many more hours than I had planned.
I feel alot of resentment towards my husband because of that. It has been a very difficult subject to talk to him about without getting really angry at him.
Its been 2 years now and he had found a really great job and I feel some of the pressure relieved. He wants me to let go of some of the hours I am working now so that I can be home more with the kids. Im very happy about that. But I am having a hard time letting go because I feel as though I cant rely on him. And I know I need to give him a chance.
Sorry so long.

blackeyedsusan37 · 07-06-2008, 07:36 PM

My first husband cheated on me several times. The first time, it hurt like hell and I had a difficult time trying to decide whether or not I wanted to stay married. One day I was talking to my mother-in-law (and I really dont like her) and she advised me that I had to decide once and for all if I was going to stay with him and work things out or if I was going to leave. Whatever my decision was, I had to stick with it. Let go of the hurt and anger and then try to decide what you want. Decisions made during crisis are not the most rational ones to live by for the rest of your life.