virgil

Hi,

I found this site a few weeks ago while trying to find a way to resolve my problems. I have read a number of posts all of which have been very helpful.

I’m looking for a womans view on my behaviour to understand where as a Man I am obviously going wrong.

I’ve been married now for 12 years with 3 children and I would say it’s been good. However If I could describe it I would say we are happy but it could be much better.

To describe myself I would say I try to be a perfect person at home for my wife and children. I try to agree to make things easier which in turn have resulted in my wife not truly believing my responses to questions as she feels like im just going along with things.

I also bottle things up and can go quiet for a considerable length of time which to me (in my head) isn’t anything major but to my wife i’m being silent and moody and ignoring her needs.

I want to spread my time between everybody but tend to get caught up with trying to please everybody and eventually just giving up and sitting down and ignoring it all.

I also tend to communicate much more (maybe even only) when I want to initiate sex which again results in her saying i only talk to her to get what I want.

So I think I’m looking for some help on how to adjust my behaviour towards my wife to give open and honest opinions and how to go about initiating basic communication to re-ignite the spark that was there. I would like to regain my wifes trust and work towards being the husband she should be able to lean on when needed, be there for affection that she knows will not necessarily lead to sex.

All help appreciated.

breeze

You could try reading the book 'Getting the Love You Want' by Harville Hendrix. It has answers to exactly the questions you are asking here.

greenpearl

I also bottle things up and can go quiet for a considerable length of time which to me (in my head) isn’t anything major but to my wife i’m being silent and moody and ignoring her needs.


How come I think I am just a female version of you. I used to be like this. I was not happy with what my husband was doing. Just some small things. Cultural misunderstanding. I wouldn't say anything. I just put up with it. But then one day I couldn't take it any more, I exploded. It is like blowing a balloon. It has to blow up one day. Now I realize I have this problem. I just tell my husband right way I don't like it if he did something I don't like. But we have being together for seven years, we know what we like and what we don't like. So I don't need to do it often.

I want to spread my time between everybody but tend to get caught up with trying to please everybody and eventually just giving up and sitting down and ignoring it all.

I am a perfectionist. I want everybody to like me. So I was doing all I could to please others, even though very often I couldn't say what was really in my mind. My husband used to have many religious friends. He didn't like them very much. It is what he grew up with. He introduced me to them. I had to pretend that I liked their religion. When I talked to my mother-in-law, I had to be careful with my tongue. I had to pretend that I liked their religion. It put me into quite a few years of misery. I tried to make them happy just because my husband had connection with them. They didn't even respect my husband. Anyway, finally, I broke down. I stopped going to their meetings. I realized if I fake myself just so they can accept me, it's not good for me. Now I feel much more peaceful. Why do we try so hard to make others happy if we have to sacrifice our happiness. I won't do these kinds silly things anymore. If people like me, they like me. If they don't like me. Why do I care. I don't live for them.

Now I focus all my attention on my husband. He is the most important person in my life. If he is happy, then I am happy. I don't waste my energy on other people. If they are in conflict with my husband, I choose my husband. It is my husband who looks after me when I am sick. It is my husband who holds me when I am frustrated. It is my husband who goes out to work and provide me a happy life. It is my husband who will grow old with me.

I am an understanding wife. I know what my husband wants, so I do my best to meet his needs. I am a good wife because my husband is a great husband. He knows what I want and what makes me happy. A happy marriage needs two people to work together. You have to know what she likes and try to satisfy her needs, she has to know what you like and try to satisfy your needs.

greenpearl

We can never become somebody who everybody is happy with. If sometimes we have to be selfish, then we have no choice. What is more important for us?

BigBadWolf

You have exactly hit the nail on the head.

For a man to be a "nice guy", all this is to a woman is being dishonest and losing respect because instead of having his own direction and leadership, in his desire to please he becomes merely a follower.

To a woman, this is making her see such a man as just some overgrown child, and of course this is not sexual attraction.

For starters see if this thread can be beneficial to you:

what's attractive...my wife's input

ButterflyKisses

First of all, you cannot be perfect and your W probably doesn't expect perfect. There is no fault in trying to make things easier but at the same time, you shouldn't go along with EVERYTHING just to keep the peace. Your W needs to know that she is married to someone with their own mind, opinions, feelings, ideas, etc and those should be shared with her. THEN, you work out something that can take both of your feelings into consideration.


When you go quiet it makes her feel like she has lost her connection with you. She feels shut out.


You know the old saying, you can't please everybody. Work out with your W if she thinks the way you have set your priorities are agreeable to her.


I'm sure you can see where your W would get this impression. She wants to know that she means something more to you than just sex. This is an easy fix, communicate with her at other times so she can see you are truly interested in her thoughts and feelings.

I commend you for being proactive in the marriage and wanting to make yourself a good husband to your W. I wish my H had half that motivation.

Boogsie

You are a nice guy. You are a people pleaser, who won't stand up for himself and when you get angry you go to the passive-aggressive silent treatment rather than just stating what pisses you off.

Get the book No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. I can't stress to you enough how much you WILL identify with this book, and how much it will help you.

virgil

Thank you all for your very helpful replies. I have read the post above and it has some valid points.

Have also ordered the mr nice guy book to see if it can help.

I'll post in a few weeks to tell you how things are progressing.

virgil

The book was great, still havent finished it as was trying to go through the various tips and tricks.

However .....

I'm falling back into my bad ways so am realizing this is harder than i thought.

I have some more ideas and will raise another post for further assistance.

Thanks all again.